Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Man, a blinking cursor is like the WORST to a writer it signifies BLOCK. As long as I can keep the letters moving on the page the less anxiety I have about this being a neat and tidy little ditty for you to read. Oh well I have nothing, like Whitney.
Falling in love again!
I’ve been in NOLA for the past two nights and I have had fun it was quite an adventure but not one for the blogs but I learned a lot stuff, lets call it research for my new book, How to do it BIG in the BIG EZ. *lol*
Parents just don't understand?
Anyway the baby Spears is pregnant. I mean what can I say about that other than you can take the girls out of the trailer park but you CAN NOT take the trailer park out of the girls!! At least she can afford to provide for it. I mean really you already phucking!! Will Nickelodeon be writing that into the script of Jamie’s show? And who told her mother she could write a parenting book anyway. I mean what publisher thought that was a good idea? Maybe it was being sold as satire. I mean Lynn Spears was writing about raising Brit to be the wild woman she is today? I think they should release the book under the genre of HOW NOT TO RAISE your kids. I mean they just need me to write a brief foreword it would say This book is an opposite book!! Please use accordingly. Thanks and good night.
The Random Shyt
Let’s see what else is going on…the holidays. I don’t really celebrate Christmas and all that is the TURNING WHIRLING COMMERCIAL giant. I prefer Thanksgiving any day. My life has been so stress free since I decided not to be caught up with Christmas Cheer, that was oh so many years ago. It makes so many people uncomfortable when you say you don't celebrate it. Especially here in the south, where the CHRIST in CHRISTMAS abounds. I'm all look I diind't say I don't beleive there was a birth I just said I don't celebrate the birth. Its fine if you do really it is.
I am such a different person than I was 5 years ago. I mean this is not where I saw myself in 5 years, but it is really so much better. I mean I’m about to be 35. 3-5…I don’t think this is how I imagined my life to look or life in general to look. I definitely thought we would be in flying cars by now, but hey I had no idea that I would be texting on my phone instead of talking ( have I ever mentioned how much I prefer the text to the talk? WELL I DO!!) or even cell phone technology outside my car. WOW !!
Man this has been a good year. I was able to cross off my number one goal this year (this has been on my list for two years), home ownership. Now the next goal is making the house a home. Its coming along slowly, but surely.
I think 2008 is when I really get serious about going back to school to get my MBA and developing my side hustle in real estate. I would like to be COMPLETELY debt free (sans home) by 2010. That includes the last of my student loan and my car. If I can reach it earlier that will be great. If I can be debt free by then I will be ready to take a loan to go to business school .
I also want to really become more serious about establishing routines for myself from health to house cleaning. I need my life to work a little more like clockwork.
Well I gotta hit it now I have a plane to catch, so I maybe my next blog will be more 2007 in review and more 2008 plans…hell I won’t know until I sit down to write it!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Today, I thought I would share some notes from my journey to gray. Theses are all still things in progress but I think fun to share, because what I am learning with every waking breath we really are a lot more alike than we are different. Today I am going to talk about love because it is the latest equation I am working out in my life. I am learning how to love and be loved as an adult woman and it is so hard. Because I have loved before on a few occasions ( very few, so I guess this probably why LOVE is kicking me in the azz) I know my way around the emotion but really being loved for who I am not who I should be or who I am supposed to be that is new and scary to me. Well by a man, my friends have long LOVED my silly azz.
So here are OGs very brief observations and notes on love:
Love is EXTREMELY humbling.
I am realizing to truly love someone is probably one of the most humbling experiences ever. Love makes you do and say things you don't want to say. It makes you feel weak and it EXPOSES the most vulnerable parts of you. You realize that with all your self control and discipline your emotions can still control you.
Love shines the light on all your flaws and insecurities
Well true love does that. Because what I am realizing is that when you love someone, you start to look at all those things you don’t like about yourself. Well, I do. I look at all my negatives as potential reason that love might not be returned, some you can change but others are just you.
The thing about mature love is if you LOVED yourself you will have gone through these things with yourself before and you will be ready to be honest and already know those things about yourself and know if they are things you can/should change or if they are things that are you and need to be loved because that is who you are.
Love is one of the BIGGEST gambles we take in life
When you feel like no one else matters but the one you love, it certainly feels like putting all your eggs in one basket. And if they love you back it definitely feels like hitting the jackpot. However, love really isn’t a game of chance. It is beyond the physical to me. I think when you love someone you find something in them that reflects you. I think that is why it is hard for someone who doesn’t love himself/herself to truly love another.
Love really is blind…but not the way I thought it was
It’s funny at my age and station in life; love makes me forget who I am. It seems that love has reduced me to this chubby pre-pubescent little girl in pigtails. Not at all looking at the things I bring to the table and why he might love me. I was so busy look at all the things and reasons he has not to love/like me and obsessing over them. Love is crazy that way. Thank God I have friends to remind me well of course he wants to be with you look at you! You are [insert all the good things about yourself that you have forgotten because love has you so scared ] !
Still today, despite being happy and feeling very loved, I have resigned myself to a life of never finding a man that makes me feel comfortable being myself and more importantly loves my awkwardness and internal contradiction. I’m sure that isn’t healthy but its how I have chosen to deal with things. It’s much easier to prepare for the worse and than it is to get blindsided while still in the warm afterglow of love. Well maybe it isn’t.
Anyway, no matter what this journey of learning how to love and more importantly learning how to be loved brings me it, I am sure it will make me a better person. I think in the end, for me, my GROWTH as a human being is all that really matters!!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Today Pimp C will be laid to rest in P.A.T! If you know me you know I was all about Pimp and UGK if you don’t believe me here is some proof of my love and some more proof of my love
There is even more proof of my love but hell I ain’t gotta prove NOTHING to NO one!! RIP Pimp C Imma miss ya REAL GOOD!!
Here are some RANDOM inappropriate thoughts I had this morning concerning Pimp’s memorial service. Only because I am me and I am real will I even share them.
I wonder how many bytches will go there trying to bop?
You know if there is any promise of ballers being around, BOPPERS will appear NO MATTER what the occasion or how INAPPROPRIATE it is for them to be there.
I wonder how many will look like they are at the club and not a funeral?
This is COMPLETELY RHETORICAL we all know most will be there scantily dressed and many will think the addition of a black hat, sunglasses and the fact that their outfit is black makes their ensemble appropriate! Hey I like T&A at the funeral it breaks up the monotony when people watching. I know when I catch a nip here and there it helps me collect myself through the grief!
I wonder if I ever inadvertently meet Pimp or Bun when in high school ?
We are the same age and our schools were in the same district so I played lots of basketball in P.A.T. and went to lots of football games there too. On second thought, scratch that question, I think I would have KNOWN if I met Pimp C even back then.
I wonder what Bey is wearing to the funeral?
As you can tell my borderline Beyonce standom does sometimes get in the way of my decorum and upbringing! I’m sorry I really want to know.
I wonder how many people will rush out and scan the funeral program and how long it will be before I get that scan?
I think tons will scan and I think I will see the program before the day's end or by tomorrow morning, even though I am not on any official ghetto hotlines. If I was I would say I’d have the e-mail of program by days end no doubt!
I wonder who will get thrown out for trying to take unauthorized pictures?
Oh COME ON y'all KNOW somebody gonna try! Look I do NOT want to see any of these MORBID azz pictures I am already mad at my memories of Cocaine is a Hellluva Drug Rick James and Thundercat James Brown being replaced with those MORBID AZZ death bed pictures that were sent to me!! I need to remember Pimp FULL OF life. However, you already know my nosey azz will look if somebody snaps a shot !!! DAMN me and my inability not to want to KNOW - I wonder if Bey will be wearing all black ( see what I mean!!)
Ok Ok Ok enough with that moving on to something else…
You will be missed Pimp
You better learn how to work that pole!
There seems to be some trouble in paradise with Tony Parker and Eva Longoria. Click here for trouble! Some model jumpoff is spilling the beans about her and TP. Then Eva of course is DENY, DENY, Denying- IN DENIAL about the incident!!
Look the jumpoff says Eva don’t like phucking in the mirror and she don’t like cum on the face, based on those two things being fact, Imma say TP is getting freaky with someone else. Rule number one is if you are not doing things your man (in this case your HUSBAND) likes then guess what, he eventually is going to be weakened by some ho who not only does those things but thinks those things are normal. Trust me I know, I’ve been that ho!!
Now when you add the fact that TP is a professional basketball player on top of that!! I just think Eva must want to be a real life Desperate Housewife otherwise she would learn every trick them hoes do on the road plus an extra one or two only she can do!! I mean I say she got off easy if he just like watching himself phuck her in a mirror and cumming on her face, come on I know bytches that was doing that in the 7th grade!! LAWD !! It's your husband Eva!! And I am sure based on the acting skill I see on DH you did a few tricks on the casting couch! Then again so much of Hollyweird is gay maybe you didn't !!
Look I am a divorcee and there were there things I wouldn’t do with my husband yes, most included video tapes and boy am I glad I didn’t because that little bitter azz ample hipped midget threatened to post the few clips of my naked breastessezz that he had online when we were breaking up, but for the most part I tried to be open minded. I mean imagine if I had let him film the nasty walking porn show I am (well actually I wasn’t so nasty with him- why that’s a WHOLE ‘nother blog).
Anyway I feel like this, you need to know the nature of men and the nature of your man to truly survive and thrive in this relationship game. I think all men like new pussy and then every man has those things that turn them on specifically. You have to do your part to keep their inner potential to roam and bone down. I mean if you keep it fresh and new if you seem open to most things they want to try (notice I say most, cause I don’t want NONE of you bycthes blaming me for any kinda kinky barnyard sex your man might be into! I WILL NOT take responsibility for you phucking any OTHER SPECIES). I mean at least listen and if you can’t do it, try to find a middle ground! Maybe he can’t phuck you in the ear but tell him you will jack him off on to your ear. SEE THE COMPROMISE!!
I mean, men will be men we know they look, they flirt and some will even do dirt. However we, as women, need to do our part. I by no means am taking responsibility for any fool that cheated on me, however if I hadn’t been giving him all my love dedication, and my sex game was not A-1, Pimp Tight, Porn Star Grade A then Imma take a little bit of culpability for his indiscretion(s) (SECRETLY of course) but by no means am I gonna accept or say I drove him into another woman’s arms, but I am gonna say I did leave the garage door open, the car door unlocked, and depending on who we talking about I may have left the keys under the seat.
I see it this way, if it is your husband, especially, or significant other why not put it all out there and do what you do. He shouldn’t judge you for trying to explore your sexual limits together or for trying to fulfill his. Isn’t part of a relationship about learning what pleases each other and what makes each of you happy? He likes freaky sex you like expensive bags find a way to make that work for both of you...like saying baby you know what makes my booty cherry WET, he will IMMEDIATELY ask you what, this is when you respond a brand new set of Louis Vuitton luggage! See how that works for EVERYONE involved!
I mean after all its between you two, well depending on how you get down it may be between you three or four or you, him and German Shepard- but I digress, and as long as you guys are happy with what you are doing PHUCK what your friends, family, or the world say ( well don’t phuck what yo’ momma say. Just lie to her and DENY, DENY, DENY any freaky shyt that could get back to her. Don’t break yo’ momma’s heart! On second thought , yo’ momma probably already know you’re a ho. )
Ok enough about me and my incredible WHORISH thoughts and advice!!
Disclaimer: This blog was mostly written to make you gape and gawk and by no means reflects my true sexual character. My true sexual character is much worse than any of this shyt I put in print!!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Choices, life is so full of choices there are so many and so many ways to go. Being a normal human being I rarely think deeply about others and their choices or lack of choices until I’m forced to. I am not saying I don’t notice peoples choices I’m just saying I wouldn’t notice your choice unless there was something about the choice that stood out, like it was something I WOULD never choose, or it’s something that I never thought about choosing, but now that you have chosen it I think I should try that, or it is the SAME choice the chooser always makes. I think the latter of those three choice alternatives is the most upsetting to me because of how I grew up. My family, my dad especially, always taught me about not wanting to be average. He always taught me about the good in being different. (Hindsight: I know they taught me that because I would always be different I’m very tall for a girl and I was no waif, so a life of always being noticed was destined! I guess it the same reason that I NEVER had bad posture like so many tall girls who slouched to look shorter and fit in! Or the same reason I was really ok with dating shorter or smaller men from time to time, because their stature never made me feel uneasy about mine!) Anyway….
So, all my life I always grew up kind of different and I never felt bad for that. He taught me to try something before I decided I didn’t like it and he also just always pushed me to be outside my comfort zone, but as I became older inevitable human nature set in. The desire to be safe the desire not to want to take a chance because of all the bad chances did come to me. The comfort of knowing that choosing this will mean that will happen. So I too have been guilty of riding in my comfort zone until the WHEELS FELL OFF!!
I have a friend who is really trying to grow outside her box, and I see it is truly a struggle for her. She had a MAJOR win today, one small step for her is ONE GIANT STEP for her kind!! The thing is going outside our box is struggle for most, but for her I think what gets her is fear. What if this is not good, or what if I get hurt, or what if I make the wrong decision. I think what she doesn’t see is all the positives of making choices. I mean sure you make the same choices everyday because they work for you and they seem to be solid choices but what if there is a choice out there that is EVEN BETTER, does more than work for you, makes you happier than you ever have been, or instead of looking at a bad choice as a failure why not see it as confirmation that your choice was the RIGHT one. To me I don’t see failure as bad or horrible I see it as an opportunity, you know like that Dyson commercial about failure where he talks about how they learn from failure. So I guess that is why choice doesn’t scare me as much and if someone points out me riding dirty in my comfort zone I am quick to reevaluate and chose something new, if I haven’t ever or haven’t in a while!
I look at life like this, sometimes we are not going to make the right choice but the battle is in knowing what we are choosing. Like with me and men. I will pretty much go out on a date with any man who asks me. It’s my one date rule. I know that in one date I can size you up, generally I can size you up in less than that, but because I never want to be closed minded I go out with 95% of my askers- ok 90%.
I guess I am the same way in life, my ex use to say I was always looking for the next best thing, but really I feel if you don’t have a new goal after you meet your goal you will be stagnate. I mean when I bought my first house I knew that it was going to be for the next 7 years at the most if I would have stayed married in it, because in seven years I wanted us to be doing so much better that we needed to start making a plan to move into a new house in the next three years. Even in my house now. I just moved in but I have so many to dos on my list to make that house even better that I can’t rest. I mean what if Bey would have been happy just being in Destiny’s Child I mean really they are the greatest GIRL GROUP in pop music history now! Think of all the fabulousness that we would be missing now !! Look I know there are some places in my life where I am stagnating, like men.
I am so afraid these days to make choices or push outside of the box because I don’t think I am strong enough to stand the pain of heartache. I don’t know if I am strong enough to pick up the pieces if I make the wrong choice, but I constantly remind myself that what if I never have to pick up the pieces, what if I am making the right choice, or what if I learn what the wrong choice is for me, saving me a lifetime of repeated heartache.
I think it’s funny how the smaller things in life are noting but microcosms for the BIGGER things in life. It all boils down to moving outside of your comfort zone and being able to grow and see new things, whether those things are people, places, or foods!! *lol*
Monday, December 10, 2007
Look I have a life and while I would LOVE to blog everyday if you saw the list of shyt I need to do, you would tell me to skip blogging too! Plus for me my blogs aren’t polls or chats or a way to feel loved by a bunch of random people in the world I know my blogs are therapy and real talk. They are things I say, share, and think that for whatever reason I feel need to be elaborated on and worked out literally (and I mean that literally, literally as in through my literature (writing)!) Anyway my blogs are fun for friends in strangers alike, friend can tell what’s up with me and well strangers can laugh at me and all my neurosis, which is much better than waiting for the short bus to stop in front of your house! Anyway on to today’s topic…trust
I was talking to one of my friends today about men…I know shocker two single, thirty something, black, women were talking about men! Anyway were talking about putting things out there to make sure our heads and our hearts match, you know reality. I mean really if you have been a single woman of any length of time as an adult you understand what men say and what men do are different. You also realize that sometimes men say what they say to manipulate certain feelings or actions out of you. I think that in general I try to take what is said to me to heart, but at the same time I DO NOT… I repeat DO NOT TAKE IT AS TRUTH, until I see evidence to back it up. Its like when I was married, my ex told me how much he loved me just diarrhea at the mouth about it, however his love for me wasn’t even strong enough to set aside a time to honeymoon until our impending divorce then he wanted to go on a honeymoon and take a vacation – feel me. I don’t like men who just talk about stuff, I must really have been born in Missouri and not Texas, because YOU GONE HAVE TO SHOW ME, not just tell me.
Anyway, I was asking my friend why she had made a certain decision and I was like do you believe that or is this something you are telling yourself because now you see there are strong possibilities of reality creeping into your fairy tale. Of course I didn’t say it like that; I don’t want you to think I'm sitting around talking to my friends like this. She said yes, its my head putting my heart on the same page.
My response was remember when life was simple before all the heartbreaks and lies and relationships gone bad, where your heart didn’t have to be slowed down. You just believed what he said and it was true. There were no insecurities or real talk to think about, no wondering if this was just a line cause he was collecting hoes like baseball cards. You simply checked Yes…No… or wrote MAYBE *smiley face* and proceeded to be someone’s gal!!
No worrying about being accosted while out on the playground by his playhouse baby momma’s friends or worse his playhouse baby momma. No worries about opening up his locker and finding a pair of draws. NONE OF THAT well maybe for some women , cause I understand some dudes do START “THE GAME” quite early, but at least NONE of that in elementary school (again I repeat: well maybe for some women , cause I understand some dudes do START “THE GAME” quite early) . Sometime I wish it could be that simple the honesty of elementary love. No worries about being damaged or scorn later or feeling made a fool of!!
I will one day get to that point with a man where I love him and I can trust what he says because it ALL lines up! Like for real for real it ALL lines up!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
I left everything when I divorced. I walked away from my house because it was pawn. I have heard and read my ex say many times I left to whore. But the truth was I left my house because I couldn't live there. I mean after him placing taps on my phones and setting traps to see what I was doing, I knew if I stayed there he would monitor me, well unless... until he healed, or found a Philly to get him over it. Not over me, but it. I don't think he was so concerned with loosing me, I think he was concerned with looking like a failure. Hey I don't think he's bad for feeling like that because I felt the same way.
I totally agree because that was the main reason I never made moves to leave him before the incident where he gave me reason to leave, because I didn't want to be a failure. I didn't want to say that I didn't think getting married through or that I didn't truly respect it. Back then when I married I did what I was supposed to do. I had checked everything off on my list and getting married was on my list. He was nice, I loved him (probably not enough to marry him- but I wasn't complex or mature enough to even know that back then) and he loved me. GETTING MARRIED was the obvious choice.
Anyway back to me and this house, I left my house and basically as far as a homestead was concerned took a step backwards. For me having a home again and accomplishing that made me feel like I had rebuilt my life. You know for some its remarriage, for others its cleaning up their divorced riddled credit, but for me building a house and having a stable place that was my thing. However, I guess I didn't realize how much running a household differs when there is just one person running it. Mandy often talks about her thought about homes being for married people, which if you think about it, especially me thinking about it right now, I CAN TOTALLY SEE WHY. I mean when I was married there was help. Even though now I make a little more than what we made together did 6 years ago, a second income still helps. I mean there were bills when I was married I just wasn't responsible for, I couldn't even begin to tell you what my light bill cost back then or my phone. Anyway, owning a home as a single person, well it's different. I like it but it's a BIG ADJUSTMENT. BEING completely responsible is AWESOME in so many ways but so SCARY in a lot of others. You have to pay attention to your spending. You have to be aware of your surroundings and who you bring into your house. There is whole level of security you lose being one. I mean some of this I have worked through when I first split from my husband, but at the same time unlike an apartment there is no apartment gate code or neighbors who share your wall or that might check on you if they heard your screams or cries. Ok enough doom and gloom.
I have just been ADJUSTING, while at the same time I've been preparing for my side hustle. My dad was a side hustle kinda guy and now I got me a side hustle. While building my house I developed a LOVE for real estate. I mean I had it before but kinda from a far, I was scared to really try to flip a house or buy some land and rent, but now I am so ready. I know the housing market is in turmoil, but not in Texas and what I'm trying to do is revitalize some spots in the inner city for young black professionals who want to live inside the loop, don't mind older quiet neighborhoods that are logistically convenient to city living but still considered the hood. The thing is where I'm located and trying to build would be consider transitional. I'm hoping it will transition a little more, not so much like Mid-town, which if you know your Houston geography you know mid-town use to be a 4th ward "hood" of Houston so to speak minutes from down town. Even if it doesn't the property value should stay steady and appreciate decently and even if it doesn't I love my neighborhood, my moms is down the street and it's a place I can stay and if I move on up, will have no problem renting/leasing out. So as I finish adjusting to my life by myself for myself I am ready to start doing more things that perhaps one person shouldn't do by herself, oh well.
The one thing I have learned is that being with me makes me happy. Sometimes I question if I am broken because I have no desire to be married again. Friends say its because HE hasn't come along, but I don't know I have had a few "He's" and they haven't made me want to be married. I know that sounds horrible, especially for a country girl raised in the Baptist church who loves sex. That pretty much means I will spend a majority of time on my knees, having fun and asking God to forgive me for that fun, but oh well.
I have co-workers, friends, acquaintances who want to settle down and have a family. Even my best friend from high school seems to be looking for a mate to make an honest woman out of her. Me, I like my life like it is. I still can't get myself to want a full fledged I'm your woman you my man relationship. I assume it's because I haven't found him. I refuse to make the same mistake I made when I got married (I was in the same frame of mind when I met my ex). I thought he was ok and I dated him, but I never was head over heels in love with him. Even now there is a man that I love, but we won't be together we will probably be friends for a long while, but I doubt if we will ever even be married And I probably love him more than I have loved a man since I was in college. In my younger days I would have tried to make the round peg fit the square hole, but today I enjoy what we have until it expires or fades away. That is kind of the attitude I've been taking on about love. I plan on seeing if this is unhealthy and just talking to someone, but I think its ok.
Adjusting! I had quite an interesting three years when I think back. Three years ago I was married having Thanksgiving at my house. Wow! Three years ago I was decided to really try to make my marriage work and stop playing around and dilly dallying! LOL!
I never realized how much adjusting I had to do, that I had in front of me.
Two years ago I was exchanging e-mails back in forth with my ex arguing about stuff in the divorce decree. Letting him upset me with his pot shots and his low self esteem.
A year ago I was CELEBRATING making it through whole year of a new life. I guess I'm just happy to be free and happy to be me.
What is really comical to me is I can't remember if that is right like if my years are right. I can't remember when I left, I mean I know when I got married and I know how long I was married on paper so I always work backwards. My ex remembers the date like somebody stabbed him. *LOL* Hopefully he has forgotten but every time I interact with him he seems like he hasn't it seems like HE HATES me. Its so funny because I don't hate him, I may not chose him to hang out with, but hate... NAH.
So many people places and things in these last few years are a fog to me, that could be because I'm over it, it also could be because of my extracurricular activities (if you know know me YOU KNOW what I'm talking about! *lol*) My friend was asking me recently about my life back with my ex…who they so lovingly refer to as Hipsy Russell (LOL) anyway. It was so hard for me to remember details like when he proposed or what he said or our dating life. I remembered I cried and I remember the EXACT conversation that Mandy and I had before going in. Maybe I'm getting old. However what is crazy is I remember with crystal CLEAR memory when my college ex and I decided to be a couple and conversations we had… the brain is so RANDOM to me.
Anyway this has now BECOME a ramble. I mean I guess I am wondering if I will ever be completely adjusted, I guess not because life is a changing moving thing. I mean I think I am adjusted enough and healthy enough to be over my old life, but how do we really know? I do know one thing I am HAPPY and I have an inner peace that is beautiful. I guess to me what is special is I have that in me, I give it to me, so no one can take it away by not loving me, or not being my friend anymore. I think I have always had that but for the FIRST time in my life I understand what it is. I KNOW who I am. You know no question who I am no question of my character, doesn't matter what others say. I think that has always been me to a degree but I never really had to battle or prove that to anyone before. The adjusting and self reflection BEAUTIFUL! I wish it for ALL!
I guess that was the point of this blog… I really don't know WHAT the point of this blog is ANYMORE!!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Anyway today I realize how much I love my best friend. I have been wrestling with some issues, nothing other than the regular life. I had shared that with her and well she totally gets it, but then maybe that is why we are best friends. I think we both push each other and we are both honest with each other and that is really what friendship is about.
I really wish she had been around earlier for me to bounce ideas off of, maybe I wouldn't have made as many of the mistakes that I had made in life. You know I look around and I am so blessed even when I feel sad I still feel blessed.
Ok this is going to be a real vent because I absolutely have to get this shyt off my chest!
I have absolutely NO RESPECT for my ex. I mean at every turn he twist things to make it seem like I was horrible as a person, when I wasn't. I definitely wasn't the nicest, but I had a lot of growing up to do. I'm so glad he let me go or we didn't reconcile, I really think he would have stunted me as a person. I don't know why it bothers me other than I know the truth and what he says happened are so far a part. I try so hard to be honest and real to my truth and he tries so hard to tear me down. Even now, even today, I mean he says shyt about me that makes others run to his side always. I shouldn't give a phuck about it but in reality when I speak about us I try I try my hardest to be true. Like with signing the deed of trust he tried to make it sound like I lost out, when he text me PLEASE CALL THE REALTOR OFF... I mean I haven't respected my ex for a while but it is because of the type of person he is. He looks to be the savior and worshipped and he looks to put others down for not being like him. I just can't. I just couldn't - anyway enough about that.
The other thing is I really must learn the difference in being accepting and enabling. I think I may be too accepting to a fault, enabling people to remain in the status quo, when in actuality I really need to not accept somethings, I think I wait to late or care too little WHO KNOWS!
I'm almost 35 and I think I've done ok for myself. I have learned some real hard life lessons along the way, but I haven't compromised me. In these post divorce years I have been WAAAAAAAAAAY more happier than anytime in my life. I also look at myself and wonder how did I get here. I mean the journey to this place inside me that is so different. I use to be an insecure little girl who picked these arbitrary things that I didn't do, to make me feel better about who I was. That is like the MOST INSECURE THING a person can do put others down to feel better, and that wasn't really me. I think that is what TURNS me off about so many people. They need someone else to be lesser to feel more.
I just can't. I'm not a hater...its not in my blood. I mean even those who hate and have hated on me I can't truly hate. Maybe make fun of them here and there, sometimes it's so hard to be a real nicca!! That's a quote from a real nicca, not mine by any means. However I FEEL HIM ON THE DEEPEST LEVELS!!
I know what it means though, it would be much easier not to follow the code. You know the code people who are real follow. However when you can check yourself and be checked LIFE IS SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL!! Let me get out of here...
Friday, February 2, 2007
Good morning, afternoon, evening or what ever time of day it is as you are reading. I have been so busy with work these days. As you know the last time I posted I was in Seattle supporting my good friend (and her family), as she said her last good-bye to her mother. It was very nice to see her, different friends and her family who also came out to support and say goodbye to her mother. While my trip was sad, listening to the incredible woman that Caroline was, was definitely inspirational. She was a beautiful woman on the outside but her service was wonderful and it celebrated her beauty inside. A beauty that should be coveted more by all women, myself included. She was an amazing woman and as her family spoke about her from their own points of view, I realized that she was a woman of strength and courage as well as beauty. She spent her life being beautiful to people and the lives she touched was phenomenal. There were people of all ages, creeds, and colors. It was such a beautiful good-bye and wonderful life story. I hope my life speaks half as much about the real things, while still looking fab!! *lol*
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a funeral person. I only go to funerals when I have to. Since, Buschick is my family I felt it important for me to be there to support her. The thing about being up there that really touched me was that she and her husband, whom we refer to as Busnerd in the cyber world, are such a great couple and they really have helped me realize that marriage is still a viable institution. I didn’t think I could appreciate her husband any more than I did the day they got married, but during this time I managed to love him even more. Her other friend (the one who was in the wedding with me) and I were talking about how we were both so glad he was there with her. He was her backbone and he was everything that husband should be to a wife. He was there to hold her when she was too weak and supporting her when she displayed more strength. He was just right in every way, perfect for her totally perfect. Isn’t that what it’s all about?
She even said she never thought she could love him more than the day they married until this. That is what it’s all about, weddings and funerals. That seems to be when families gather and when people make impacts in our lives. And while I am so sad my trip up there was to say goodbye to her mother, I am glad I got the extra of seeing love personified watching those two interact on both the micro and macro levels of marriage. If you know me IRL or have read me you know my definition of love is the one in the Bible. Since my divorce I have always said that if I ever decided to love again, my love will look like the love Paul describes:
4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part; 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. 11 When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
I love that passage it is one of my favorite Bible passages.
My life has been super super busy; mostly work, but personal too. I’ve been traveling for the last two weeks. Last night I got stuck flying around in a circle waiting to land for about 45 mins. Ughhh
I got a revised closing date for my house, end of April. It took a little longer to clear the title on the land but in two weeks I think the work will begin. I am excited but still a little scared because it’s all me. I think I’ll be ok, but I still battle with knowing that I will be able to take care of it all by myself. I think the nerves are good. They help me keep things in perspective. Somehow I wonder how my mom did it. When she was my age she had two children, a tween girl and a baby boy, and she was responsible for both of us. Every time I think I can’t do something I think of my mother and what she did and provided for me and my bro and the small amount of money she was able to provide that for us. She is a great woman whose strength is so quiet you often don’t even notice it. To all those single mothers out there hats off. I think taking care of a house on your own pales in comparison to taking care human lives all by yourself. Kudos!!
So remember the choice I made, well I made the choice and well the outcome was completely not what I expected. I have said before my expectations of men in relation to me are pretty low. In my life I have put up with stuff – well you know the story no need to talk about that. Hell, you have probably lived the story at one point or another in your life. I thought my choice would end a relationship, but he keeps on surprising me. It is definitely a unique relationship because the honesty involved is new and a bit strange to me, but I think the friendship is strong. I’m glad the friendship is strong because a man who is my friend is the most important to me, as I quickly approach my mid thirties.
I have realized while dating that my need for someone who is completely comfortable in who he is, is what I need. Not perfect, but as secure as one can be. I’m not an ego-stroker so most men are off put by that. Oh well, I guess I feel since I build my own ego so should you! It’s good and I feel good about where I am and I feel ok about who I am. I don’t think I’m where I need to be to be a valuable part of a team, but I certainly am working on it. Although as horrible as it may sound, I’m in no rush. Maybe it’s because every thing seems to be so good for me right now. Who knows! Enough of my business.
Well yesterday was the first day of black history month, but I believe in 365 days of black history so no difference for me. I didn’t even get to comment on my boy Barack. I don’t think he will even get the nomination, but I am glad to have a black candidate in the tradition of Shirley Chisholm and Maxine Waters less Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. Some may argue why even run. They say Barack won’t affect our world, however where would we be if Fredrick Douglass, Malcolm, Martin, or countless other pioneers had decided to be happy with the status quo. Barack may never be president our hold an office that affects my world, but his moves will certainly set the world up for that one day and quite possibly affect my child’s (ok my friends' and family's children) world. You know maybe I’ll see it, maybe I won’t. If Hilary was smart she’d run with Barack on her ticket talk about assassination insurance. Anyway, what are you going to do to make your own personal black history this month?
Well I’m out. I am cleaning and cooking a square for a change. I find cooking always helps center me after traveling for a while. So if you need me, I’ll be washing and cleaning and restoring my spot back to pre-travel conditions. Did I tell you how excited I am to be building this house? Well I am! Started picking out tile and flooring the other day and lets not even talk about all the furniture I have picked out!! I also hope to get with you guys a little bit more regular, but no promises because work is busier and busier each day and well I gotta have room for Real Life!! You know something has gotta give, can’t do it all!! Keep in touch and take care and as always…
Friday, January 19, 2007
Recently a very good friend’s mother lost her battle with cancer. It was a long hard fight and she was a great woman, mother, and wife. While she didn’t always do the things that we modern girls consider to be cool, she was a phenomenal woman.
This world is full of different women, women who move, women who shake, women who nurture, women who bake, women who are all about raising our children, women who are about raising their net worth, women who steal, women who give, women who brighten our days with a smile or a flip of their hair, women who demonstrate strength and courage on the daily, women who are afraid to be strong, women who are afraid to be weak, women who inspire us through their actions, and women who inspire us through their non-action.
We never see our mother in any of those women; well I never did until I became a woman. As a girl I was always quite judgmental of my mother. I had no idea how easy she made being a mother look. As girls it is so easy to pick out the faults in our mothers and look at their cracks and bad decisions and say in an all too haughty voice, I’m never going to let that happen to me, I am going to be different. How can she be so weak? And I would be a liar if I didn’t say that much of my success has been because I didn’t want to end up like my mother. However, as I grow older I realize that being my mother wouldn’t be such a bad thing. The things I saw as weak as a girl look like strength through the eyes of a full grown woman. The actions I saw as negatives as a girl I now understand ,as a woman, were must do’s in order to keep my (her child) life positive.
The mother daughter dynamic is such a touchy one; there is no rule book on rearing children and there definitely isn’t one for handling the surge in estrogen that we all get as tween-age girls, also known as puberty. There is no one to tell you what the outcome of your actions will do its all trial, error, and prayer. It's a completelty subjective job where your input can make a huge difference or none at all.
As a woman who was blessed enough to have become friends with her mother in her adulthood, so many of things I never understood or misjudged as a girl I can totally relate to. Its funny but I guess its true some things you just can’t understand until you live through them! And some things you don’t appreciate until you realize they may not always be there!
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Saturday, January 13, 2007
I’m telling you now this blog will be long for the following reasons:
I love to write
I love to write for people to read
Blogging is my outlet for my first two reasons
Writing relaxes me
I have had a lot stuff going on since the last time I blogged (random thoughts, life events, and just your general non-sense)
I have had a super busy last few weeks at work
I am pretty much always long-bloggeded (I know, I just made up that conjugation. What can I say I have a lot to say! *lol*)
So in an effort to unwind, distress, catch up those who care about my life, and wind down for my 3 day weekend I present to you a very looooong blog!!
First things first
Last week, my very dear friend, no my sister, lost her mother. I have written about buschick, her mother, and her family a lot in the past year, because they are family. I met BC when I was 17 (5 days shy of my 18th birthday) and she was 19. She was cool and she and her friends adopted me on my weekend welcome to Rice visit. If you don’t know the story, just know we’re great friends.
Caroline was diagnosed with breast cancer several years ago. She never seemed to gain the upper-hand on it and after several rounds of chemo and a very vigilant fight her cancer spread to several spots on her body, namely her lungs and on Jan 3, 2007 we lost a great light. To be honest one of the main reasons I hadn’t blogged was because I wanted my next blog to be something dedicated to Carla (buschick) and Caroline, but despite a few attempts I haven’t got that special piece just yet, you will know when I do. I will be in Seattle for a memorial service in a few weeks so it will be a bittersweet moment for me to see my friend. Anyway I wanted to start of this blog saying you will be missed Caroline!! Your legacy lives on in your wonderful children and many kind deeds. Here is BC’s blog tribute to her mommy! Love you Carla!
Lets talk about Work
Let’s not and say we did!! *lol* Work has been super busy, I mean like crazy busy. Then there has been all kinds of work drama that has nothing to do with work. I don’t know if you guys remember when I was saying how I was enjoying my downtime to the fullest because I KNEW there would come a day when I would be working NON-STOP!! That day has arrived. The thing is, as stressful as it is and as mentally taxing as it is, I like what I do. I mean I love what I do when I really get to do it, but I mean love in terms of job love, not love in terms of love love!! *lol*
Now don't get me wrong, I have plenty to complain about, but I know there are LOTS worse places I could work. I definitely like the people I work with and isn’t that half the battle? Enough talk about work, or as I refer to it these days HOME. I should just stick all my shyt in storage and sleep under my desk I mean I already spend more time there than in the place I pay money to live!
Speaking of HOME…
My house is going along nicely, suppose to be meeting with the architect soon. I have pictures of my lot and my neighborhood; I guess I could load them up after I finish this blog. Wait ‘til you see my Oak, it is majestic! Anyway, right now I am working on a book of all my selections and stuff. Building custom is great because I am not limited to the choices that are in the design center. I get an allowance for a lot of those things, which is great because I’ve got big ideas about how I want this house to look. This will be a chance for me to truly flex my interior decorating muscle.
In my first house I did the basics, back when we bought that house dark cabinets weren’t even available now that’s all you see. I originally was thinking about dark cabinets but now I think I am gonna take a new approach, like I said a chance to get my inner decorator on! Now once y’all see my house I will be available for hire. This is way more fun than my first house because I have a little more money to work with and it’s also an investment for me as well as a place to live. I picked out the most fabulous floors last night at a local retailer. Why did I just type local retailer? I know …Imma dork ANYWHO… I have a vision of wide plank dark hardwoods with a 3 inch base board that has quarter round at its base. I was going to carry the wood through to the kitchen but I really want some natural stone in my house, it’s a bungalow and it reminds me of arts & craft type home, so I think stone would be a good fit for it. Ok, ok enough design talk, maybe I let my inner Martha back for blog about my vision for my house.
I’m so glad that Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream. Of course for the MOST OBVIOUS reasons as a black woman, but I am also glad because I work at a bank and I get the day off!! I believe the holiday is old enough now that lots of businesses don’t observe it. I guess that is good and bad, I mean think about the other holidays that we don’t get anymore unless you work for a municipality or bank. I assume that EVERYBODY got ‘em off when they first became holidays and eventually they became one of those holidays that retailers have sales on! Although it’s not as catchy to have an MLK Day sale, doesn’t roll off the tongue like saying President’s Day Sale.
What I do wonder is how many years was a holiday like President’s Day or Columbus Day observed before corporate America stop giving it off. Anyway weather you have the day off or not, you can still honor Dr. King!! Me I’ll be honoring him big time relaxing on my day off. I’m attending a program at Rice, put on by the BSA, to commemorate the holiday. It’s a silent march to the Rice Chapel and then a program! I remember planning those things when I was an undergrad. It was one of my favorite events!
Speaking of Rice
I’m doing some really cool volunteer stuff as of late. I’m sitting on a few planning committees for big celebrations at the university this and next year. I actually like my volunteer alumni work. I know that may seem strange, but for me it seems right. I went to Rice on a full academic scholarship. My tuition was paid for by a scholarship named after some lady who went to Rice or her rich family liked Rice or perhaps her children, grandchildren or great grandchildren went to Rice and they wanted to honor her by funding a scholarship for someone like me. You know poor not so little black girl from a small country azz Texas town who had big dreams of doing better than where she was. I one day hope to get to a point where I too can fund that scholarship!
So until then, I volunteer my time at Rice because I think of it as my gift back. The one thing I wish I had saw more of when I was an undergrad were alums that looked like me. I can tell you how many black alumni I saw on campus when I was an undergrad, 3 ok maybe 4. Let me tell you seeing those 4 was like bright lights at the end of a dark dank tunnel. So, for me that is why it is important for me to be involved. I feel bad because my time has lessened a bit since I was married, but according to my co-worker I am super alumna. In reality I’m nowhere near that, I’m still wondering how some of these Rice alumni find the time do it all. Its hard for me to find the little time I do find to volunteer.
Did you know…
That I have been blogging since December 2004? I know that’s a long time that is what thought too. When I first started blogging I was over on Spaces. Here you go click here and you can go check some of my old blogs out. Then I moved to 360, click here to check those blogs out! When I started blogging I was trying very hard to be happily married on the outside *lol* I began blogging just as my marriage began falling apart. I went back and read a few old blogs and boy has this been a journey. Reading my old blogs made me look through old journals too, it is amazing how perspectives and priorities change with age and maturity and GROWTH!! I am so glad that God allows the non-physical to continue to grow even though the physical shuts down.
I’ve been thinking about moving to blogger, mostly because the extra social networking of 360 is becoming a bit overwhelming for me. The friend request (I’m sorry I have no room and I refuse to make a second page. My page is open to the public for the most part, so just drop in and comment. You don’t have to be my friend to do that. Hell you don’t have to be my friend to send me a message. I guess all this just ain’t that crucial to me. You know to be locking my shyts down. *lol* I know … I know GAW some of us have our reasons. ) and the messages and the chopping block feel of it sometimes. Anyway I haven’t truly decided, right now I’m double posting, and so we’ll see. I really don’t know but you guys will be the first to know, ok maybe not the first, but you will know if I do move blog spots!
Well, I guess this wasn’t as long as I thought, but I definitely feel much better after writing it! Feel free to comment on any portion you want or don’t like I said this one was more for me than it was for you! You guys have a great weekend and I’ll see you…when I see you!
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
I am not sure how other women feel, but I spent a good deal of my life thinking it was about those things. That love was about being the beauty in the eye of your beholder or the success, or the girl who can do that thing with her tongue. *lol* The thing is that most of my post divorce dating life I had put love as a thing that needs a reason. What I have realized in these last 6 months is that love has no rhyme or reason. I came to a conclusion that I had tremendous negative talk when it came to men and relationships. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to tire of me, for him to be the same as the others. Today, I did something that was hard, but I made a decision and that decision was to never settle again under the guise of something to do. In 2007 if it doesn’t look or feel right I’m not making excuses for it.
I think as women we like to make excuses and what I have come to realize is that when in doubt, walk away and if it’s more than all those surface things you think people like you for, that person will follow you. Not saying that doing that doesn’t hurt, in October 2005 I walked away from a “friend”. He claimed we were family and he claimed I was a great friend and there was lots of drama around our friendship. Then one day I got clarity and while on the phone told him that if we were to stay friends he would need to make the effort, I was done making efforts based on his empty words.
That “friend” never called or contacted me again, me the so called family, me the good friend, me, the idiot! I guess I thought I would hear from him last December (2005) and then I thought maybe in six months and then it really didn’t matter. It was the best thing I could have done. If I hadn’t I probably would still be in a terrible toxic pseudo relationship friendship. You know as women, we often hang around. We wait …we make excuses…we accept crumbs. Why I don’t know. Well I know for me it has to do with objectification.
I know that I am not an ugly woman. I know that men do find me attractive and that as far as traditional standards of beauty are concerned, some might say I am pretty. The problem with that is that being those things are not things of substance. I guess as women we are trained to go to the man who thinks us to be a shiny new thing. We buy in and eventually we get dull and they throw us away. The problem is we buy in and then once we are dull we will do anything to get that shine back.
Desperation. Not all desperation is a woman who does incredible HORRIBLE things to keep her man. Desperation comes in all forms. How many women have settled for friendship because a man doesn’t want more? How many women have stayed around in hopes that he would catch the settle down bone? How many women have taken the crumbs left from a relationship because they feared the unknown? Let me tell you that I don’t know how many have, but I definitely have lived that in my life.
My husband made me feel like an object a lot, like a thing he brought out to amaze friends and family. After the divorce I realized that it wasn’t him so much, but me and my insecurities. Since then I have worked on it, but it’s a hard thing to shake. Society builds us this way. Society makes little girls think that they need to be something extra, to make “him” love them. We think the key to a man’s heart is our beauty, or our sex, or our ability to cook and clean, or our ability to earn more than our share, our potential to be great mothers to their children, I could go on and on for days, because we think it’s about all these extraneous things.
What I have come to realize YEARS later is that love, real love, is pure and honest and when someone can’t love us how we want to be loved, we should walk away. I know that’s a hard thing, especially if you have bought into the dream, but if someone can’t love you like you want or need to be loved then you should walk away. The pain is serious but the pain of sticking around and getting crumbs is worse far worse. So, since I have walked away from my “friend” who was family I have realized life goes on and I have also realized that sometimes we have to walk away and love ourselves more! I won’t lie it does hurt because I did believe him when he said those things, however I learned better 1year ago when I didn’t hear from him again.
I’m not going to lie I still get irked by men who approach me and don’t read my blogs who treat me like a shiny thing ,who tell me everyday I am so this and that with out much as knowing one thing about me. In my old age I have realized the hard way that all those things on the outside mean nothing. When someone loves you they love you and love is not about all the things we work on to get ourselves loved, it’s those things that you don’t see until the shine wears off.
In 2006, I have changed, and keep evolving, into a woman who feels pretty on the inside. I mean that is what love is about love is about the inside and lust is about the outside. Anyway it feels good to make decisions and take control of how I live life. I am the captain of my ship, making decision for my self that are hard in the short term but have been so beneficial in the long term.
I am changing even more than I thought I was. I never thought I would have strength to tell someone if I am not enough for you then you should move on. No more sticking around trying to be enough or trying to show my value. Either someone thinks you are valuable or not, it’s that simple. If they don’t, then you should move on. Sure its going to hurt the ego but that is just temporary, believe me your self –esteem will thank you in the long run. Enough rambling I better go.