Sunday, April 29, 2012

Beginnings, Endings, and Closure

Last weekend, for my birthday, I spent an awesome time with my new guy.  He met me in Seattle and we spent such an awesome time together.   He really has been great to me and he has helped my picture of happiness be brighter.  We’re in love and happy and life is good.

Now fast forward to Friday, my phone rings and it’s the man who I was sure was going to be the one.  (It’s funny, to me, how men seem to have this special radar that lets them know you’re over them or have moved on.) Anyway I picked up the phone and said hi, and listened to his current news about him getting his life together and how he knew I would want to know because it’s what I said he needed to do.  Followed by a can I see you.   I don’t know but I guess I’m different or blessed because most of my relationships have been with men who were my friends and even after it was over we have managed to stay in touch be cordial and be happy for each other as we have moved on in our own directions.  Save for one, if any of my exes call me I have been happy to hear from them and to hear about how well their lives have been going without me. I mean after all isn’t that what love is really about, wanting the person you love to be happy, with or without you.  So with that being said, I agreed to meet him after work to catch up on things.

He asked how my new thing was going I told him and as I sat there laughing & talking with him I thought to myself about how I use to love this man and I was convinced he was my future. I was convinced that I just needed to give him the space he needed to be a man and when he was ready we would be together.  I also thought to myself there’s only so long that a girl can wait for her boy to become a man.  It took years for me to truly cut ties and stop letting him linger in my background.  And now here we are laughing and talking and here he is telling me he can’t believe that I gave up on him and moved on like really moved on with my life.  To be honest there was always room for him in my life, I never seriously dated anyone else and whenever he waltzed in, I always made room for him.  So the surprise is probably warranted.

So being told no and treated as JUST an old friend catching up was hard for him.  He was a little disconcerted, he said but I love you and I said I love you too but I’m happy where I am he makes me happy and I’m in love with him.  And he replied that’s good I’m glad you’re happy of course I want the best for you, but I don’t know I thought you would wait, which confirmed a lot for me and how I feel about men and relationships.  They ALWAYS comeback… ALWAYS

Sometimes you meet the one you’re in love with and it doesn’t work out and sometimes it doesn’t because one party takes your kindness and love for granted, because it was always there no matter what s/he did.  And sometimes it doesn’t work out because your timing is off.   And sometimes it doesn’t work out because one or both of you realize the friend space is the best for you. 

Funny I could never imagine not being a part of the men I was in love with lives, save one.  I mean we don’t talk every day but the occasional check-in to cheer for one another’s life victories that’s what loved ones do.  And when he hugged me & told me he was happy I was happy because he loved me I was glad he understood that part of us was over.  Thank goodness for understanding what love is and what it means.

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy;love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all tings, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease;whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away." 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Be EZ,

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


written 4-17-12  (2 days before the big three nine) 

Well here I am again. It seems this is how we always meet, me starting the post with the obligatory “I’m sorry I don’t post more often” line,  which I will then follow up with “but I’m gonna be better…”  but the truth is right now I don’t have a lot of sharing to do with the whole wide world (or world wide web).  However my birthday is in 2 days and me coming here to mark where I am in my life has become somewhat of a tradition for me.  So lucky for you guys who like to read me ramble, I’m posting today.
I’m fixin ta be thirty-nine and boy is my life completely different than what I thought it was gonna be at 10, 20, 30 ...hell even last year at 37.  That’s the thing I love about life… you just never know.  You make plans you have expectations and life completely disregards most of that, sometimes for the better… sometimes for the worse…  Even when you think it’s the worst it’s probably not and when you whip around in hindsight you will see that the darkest moments were necessary.  The sun shines brightest right after the rain… or something like that.

I don’t know but I am just grateful.  I am surrounded by people who love me and inspire me daily.  I have the things that happiness is built on, love, acceptance, and pretty shoes.  Professionally my career is still moving and I am finally back on track to getting an MBA.

Funny a year ago I was ecstatic for my 38 birthday; I spent it in Vegas with some of my good Judies and my family.  We celebrated 3 birthdays then: mine, my GGs 78th and my Aunt Lilly’s 90 something (she may not want ALL her business out there like that).  I had finally let go of some fairy tales that weren’t going to happen and come to Jesus with those things not being what I was so sure they were.
A year later I’m in a new space in my life.  I am in love under new management.  I’m a total yoga head.  I am now a devoted practitioner of Bikram yoga 3-4 times a week.  I am in a place financially that I am proud of and a few steps closer to some business goals I have for myself.  Professionally things are good and above all else my family and loved ones are safe and secure…I would have to say as I finish up my 30’s, they have been great years for me.

I lived my 20’s for what I thought my life was supposed to be, everything I did I did because I thought it was what happy people did... what adults did... what young black college graduates did.  In my 30s, I not only discovered what made me happy, I stayed committed to maintaining that happiness no matter how it diverged from what society deemed as acceptable.  I wonder what my 40s have in store.  It’s fun to imagine sometimes but it’s more fun to live life and watch how it turns out.

Anyway I’m finna be the big 3-9 and I’m content with who I am and where my life is right now, it’s quite the blessing when I think about it.  I am peaceful and I am loved.

Be EZ,