Wednesday, January 3, 2007

I am changing

Well the New Year has come and passed and it’s off to work. While this year has been great for me it also has been growth for me. Today I did something I didn’t think I would do. I chose me. I mentioned in my last blog learning to be loved for just who I was, no extra stuff. I believe I said “I feel LOVED and I feel loved simply because of who I am and not what I look like, or what freaky things I can do, or what benefits I can provide”. Well everyday of ’07 I have decided to do what is best for me no matter what, an exercise in taking care of me, something I don’t think women do enough.

I am not sure how other women feel, but I spent a good deal of my life thinking it was about those things. That love was about being the beauty in the eye of your beholder or the success, or the girl who can do that thing with her tongue. *lol* The thing is that most of my post divorce dating life I had put love as a thing that needs a reason. What I have realized in these last 6 months is that love has no rhyme or reason. I came to a conclusion that I had tremendous negative talk when it came to men and relationships. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to tire of me, for him to be the same as the others. Today, I did something that was hard, but I made a decision and that decision was to never settle again under the guise of something to do. In 2007 if it doesn’t look or feel right I’m not making excuses for it.

I think as women we like to make excuses and what I have come to realize is that when in doubt, walk away and if it’s more than all those surface things you think people like you for, that person will follow you. Not saying that doing that doesn’t hurt, in October 2005 I walked away from a “friend”. He claimed we were family and he claimed I was a great friend and there was lots of drama around our friendship. Then one day I got clarity and while on the phone told him that if we were to stay friends he would need to make the effort, I was done making efforts based on his empty words.

That “friend” never called or contacted me again, me the so called family, me the good friend, me, the idiot! I guess I thought I would hear from him last December (2005) and then I thought maybe in six months and then it really didn’t matter. It was the best thing I could have done. If I hadn’t I probably would still be in a terrible toxic pseudo relationship friendship. You know as women, we often hang around. We wait …we make excuses…we accept crumbs. Why I don’t know. Well I know for me it has to do with objectification.

I know that I am not an ugly woman. I know that men do find me attractive and that as far as traditional standards of beauty are concerned, some might say I am pretty. The problem with that is that being those things are not things of substance. I guess as women we are trained to go to the man who thinks us to be a shiny new thing. We buy in and eventually we get dull and they throw us away. The problem is we buy in and then once we are dull we will do anything to get that shine back.

Desperation. Not all desperation is a woman who does incredible HORRIBLE things to keep her man. Desperation comes in all forms. How many women have settled for friendship because a man doesn’t want more? How many women have stayed around in hopes that he would catch the settle down bone? How many women have taken the crumbs left from a relationship because they feared the unknown? Let me tell you that I don’t know how many have, but I definitely have lived that in my life.

My husband made me feel like an object a lot, like a thing he brought out to amaze friends and family. After the divorce I realized that it wasn’t him so much, but me and my insecurities. Since then I have worked on it, but it’s a hard thing to shake. Society builds us this way. Society makes little girls think that they need to be something extra, to make “him” love them. We think the key to a man’s heart is our beauty, or our sex, or our ability to cook and clean, or our ability to earn more than our share, our potential to be great mothers to their children, I could go on and on for days, because we think it’s about all these extraneous things.

What I have come to realize YEARS later is that love, real love, is pure and honest and when someone can’t love us how we want to be loved, we should walk away. I know that’s a hard thing, especially if you have bought into the dream, but if someone can’t love you like you want or need to be loved then you should walk away. The pain is serious but the pain of sticking around and getting crumbs is worse far worse. So, since I have walked away from my “friend” who was family I have realized life goes on and I have also realized that sometimes we have to walk away and love ourselves more! I won’t lie it does hurt because I did believe him when he said those things, however I learned better 1year ago when I didn’t hear from him again.

I’m not going to lie I still get irked by men who approach me and don’t read my blogs who treat me like a shiny thing ,who tell me everyday I am so this and that with out much as knowing one thing about me. In my old age I have realized the hard way that all those things on the outside mean nothing. When someone loves you they love you and love is not about all the things we work on to get ourselves loved, it’s those things that you don’t see until the shine wears off.

In 2006, I have changed, and keep evolving, into a woman who feels pretty on the inside. I mean that is what love is about love is about the inside and lust is about the outside. Anyway it feels good to make decisions and take control of how I live life. I am the captain of my ship, making decision for my self that are hard in the short term but have been so beneficial in the long term.

I am changing even more than I thought I was. I never thought I would have strength to tell someone if I am not enough for you then you should move on. No more sticking around trying to be enough or trying to show my value. Either someone thinks you are valuable or not, it’s that simple. If they don’t, then you should move on. Sure its going to hurt the ego but that is just temporary, believe me your self –esteem will thank you in the long run. Enough rambling I better go.

Be EZ,

1 comment:

Sister Girl said...

Bravo !

He don't have to tell me that I look good...I know that I do because God loves me & I love me too. Beauty comes from within because look at someone that has no self respect & see what you get on a mental/physical level.

And like I tell everyone, love starts with SELF...because no one can give you what self love will. Your strength in charecter derives & maintained by your willingness to fight for your right.

Stay blessed..