Sunday, May 31, 2009

Random Thoughts about Life!

Funny thing! I just gotta share. I think it is so funny that when you change how you live your life people react before trying to see if the change is positive. I've made changes in my life many times and the thing I realize is that some people don't like change because they believe it to be some kind of commentary on who they are and how they live instead of it being your personal statement on how you want to live your life. I think it also speaks to how well someone does or doesn't know you.

Things are always fine when you are doing things that they like but when you change into someone or something that they can't understand it can't be that you are different or you are changing it has to be that you are trying to be something you aren't. Maybe the truth is you are FINALLY being who you want to be rather than who they thought you were or wanted you to be. I'd have to say in this journey of life I've changed many times but this change has probably been the most healthiest. The last MAJOR change I had was before my divorce. The reaction to that was a bit insulting. I'd have to say for someone to say they knew you and loved you but then believe that your choices were influenced was a bit insulting. However at this end road with TOM A (#1) the thing I have to say is he respects my change as mine and not as me trying to keep up with the Joneses. And I love that about him and is why I will always love him and why we are friends. I guess I would have to say that I am so grateful for the life lessons being in love with him taught me and what loving him while being me (unapologeticly) has revealed to me. I think the most positive thing about us is seeing how much I have changed for the better.

I know I have talked about living my life for others and being the extreme people pleaser in my life before, but this split is the first time that I chose me right off the bat. Before I usta worry about what my choices would do to other people. However this time I learned that making that choice off the bat will save me years of unhappiness and going back in forth. If I had made a choice to go at the first sign of my unhappiness back in the day I would have many more days of happiness, but I do accept that for what ever reason I was not ready to venture down the road that I am on now.

Now I would be lying if I didn't say that being away from TOM A(#1) was not sad for me, but understanding that I was the one who controlled my ultimate happiness was the AHA MOMENT for me this time. The old me pre-marriage me, probably would have wasted way more of my life trying to please my way into happiness, not understanding that even though the happiness of the one you love is important your happiness is the most important. I spent life trying to please folks and not being happy and the minute I started putting the same effort into pleasing me was the minute I was happy. I am happy alone. And I have said this before but my worst day today when I feel the most hopeless and alone and unloved is still better than my best day when I was married to the wrong person because I thought I needed to follow what society said was necessary to be happy (ie college, marriage, and then kids...thank God I never got around to kids). I know that life is THE BEST when you are truly happy and that having someone just to have someone is not a good look.

The biggest thing for me this year was actually going to a therapist and getting confirmation about my thought patterns. The last time I "talked" to someone I wasn't as open. Some people want you to be miserable because you have chosen a life with out them, and to me that is a very sad state in life. I have always wished happiness for those who I parted ways with even through the pain of the hurt, disappointment or pain they caused me. I also have come to realize because some people are too small minded and myopic to wish you the same doesn't mean you have to be the same. I think hate should be met with love and I try, but sometimes its hard. Sometimes hate should just be ignored.

As a people pleaser the hardest thing has been accepting when people are not pleased with you, but that was my first step out of the shadow of living for others. Accepting that to some people you will always be the bad guy when you don't stay in the box they made for you. I also keep in the back of my head that the more I make my own shadow the more successful, happy and well adjusted I become. I also see the people who really love and appreciate me and my opinions whether we share the same one or not.

To me I'd have to say that is the best thing about my life now. The people who are in it let me be me no matter what that is and they don't chide or make fun or judge me for who I am. TOM A (#1) still talk and I would say we are still good friends. And to me that lets me know I am at least picking the right kind of men in my life now. No more men who behave like small children cause you didn't choose them. I think I love that the most about my life now.

When I was in the valley of this break-up I knew I would emerge a better person, but what I didn't know is that I would be thankful for it. Thankful that this time I made the right choice. That this time I would be excited about loving again and bringing me to a new relationship or friendship or anything. Almost giddy ready to learn from it with out worrying if it will last. I think pre-TOM A (#1) I was too caught up in how nasty the aftermath would be and now I am just excited about what it will be in the moments its happening. I really like that. I don't know if I would have been able to get here if TOM A (#1) wasn't who he was. I truly am grateful that despite us not working out that TOM A taught me how to take a risk and that I really am strong. I think that may have been the reason for us. Our demise made me work through some family issues and come to some revelations about who I am.

I like me and really that is all that counts. I mean I have always liked me, but I think before I liked me because I knew other people liked me. Now I like me regardless of what other people say or feel about me. If you think I'm a bytch then great I'll be that...if you think I'm a know-it-all then I'll be that...if you think I'm mean then I'll be that for you. However I will not be any of those things to me. I will be me which is a quirky mix of all the things that people love and hate about me. The minute you let other peoples opinions guide your decisions in life is the minute you stop living life.

Okay that is all I have for you this Sunday. Hope you guys had a great weekend and thanks for letting me share the things rambling in my mind on a lazy Sunday morning! Life is not a competition its an adventure just do you!!

Be EZ,

Monday, May 25, 2009

Getting Back Up

I have to say Keri and Kanye are right and sometimes love does INDEED knock you down. And the sad sad thing is when you both know that right now and maybe never that its not gonna work, that you need more than your love for each other to make it through. I've been spending time going through that and the getting back up has been a bytch. However I am glad to say that I am getting back up. I think I am in a new and better place. Its always been true for me that my mistakes in life have taught me for more about life and my inner stregnths than any of the great things that have happened. I would have to say that life is still good even though it has changed so drastically in a few months. I mean it has been tough being on the wrong side of my gamble and I will always love the first TOM A and I will always have some affection for him but right now it has to be about me. I said the first because there will be many more TOM As in my life remember it stands for The Object of My Affection. Well until I meet The One, which may or may not happen and that is fine with me. Having a loving and healthy relationship is not a requirement for my happiness. However that doesn't mean I would turn one down either.

You know its kinda sad, but I thought about this day, the day I could public say it's over. Sad because there was actually a point I couldn't say it, mostly because so much was right with us, but what what was wrong couldn't overcome it. Timing and circumstances are all things that have to be right and also you really can't love anyone until you love yourself. And sometimes the one who loves you can't wait for you to love you. Its funny I've never been on this side before. More than often looking back I can see there were men who had to let me go because despite all my good qualities I didn't love myself enough or really know who I was. I don't know if they loved me or even if they loved me more than I loved Tom A, so I can't say it was as hard for them, but I can say letting go before you are out of love is hard. Especially when you know they love you too. However the older I become the wiser I get and the more I know what I do and don't want. I also know a relationship can not be healthy unless both parties involved are healthy. So today I write because I am happy. I am happy I took a chance and I am happy that I loved. And the best thing is I am not sad or regretful on the other side of love. I am happy and hopeful.

Sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down. Just get back up when it knocks you down, knocks you down, knocks you down.

I'm back up and I'm so excited about my new life. My job has been taking a lot of time. I'm going on a business trip with our Executive VP so I am pretty stoked about that, mostly because it seems to be a big deal. I'm on several high profile projects and I am really hoping to turn this into a promotion by review time next year. I really love setting goals and working towards them so I'm good. I'm also planning on going to the 206 the summer to spend time with my favorite bus family. I also want to go somewhere tropical, but I'll save that until the winter.

I promise I am going to try to blog more but its a lot harder here at home. However I will try to check in more regularly than I have been. I miss blogging its definitely something I miss.

Proud to be an American

Last but not least, Happy Memorial Day especially to all the veterans and active soldiers, even though I may not support some of the wars being waged and that have been waged by America I APPRECIATE your service to allow me my freedoms as an American.

Be EZ,

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Celebrity Status!!

I normally don't post fuckery. I leave it to the pro's over at C&D and Beyonceitis and the like, however I need to share this with my blogbase. Look what's going on out there! You around here living a normal life and somewhere Seaborne is creating...creating...creating...CREATIONS.

Blame this all on CurvyGurl. She tweeted me this video and I have been clicking and clicking and clicking...It's like a train wreck SWEET GOD OH JEBUS!

On Malcolm's b-day I find this too! CELEBERTEEEEE STATUS (I know I know that's how I think it sounds when they say it!) That maybe my new catch phrase! I promise the next post will be about something. I hope.

Be EZ,

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

For Crys!

This blog is for the CRYStal METHod...peer pressure... peer pressure... peer pressure!

Man I really don’t have nothing to blog about, but if you watch my twitter feed on da side you see I has PLENTY to Tweet.

No on the real, life has been going. I’m going through some grown woman changes and it’s good. The thing about growing is sometimes it hurts. I mean really, why do you think we do it in our sleep? So right now I am trying to move myself to a new phase, I'm stuck and I know I'm stuck so I'm metaphorically getting a tow truck to move me out the muck!

My job is cool. They keep me busy and more importantly PAID! My house is coming along and so is my quest not to become the 2009 Miss Havisham . I been giving shyt away like hot cakes (why are hot cakes so popular? Does anyone know where the phrase they're selling like hot cakes came from?)

Let’s see, I am currently really trying to soul search and determine what TRULY makes OG happy! Like you know... once you strip all the illegal, illicit, and trendy shyt (aka sex,drugs and rock roll to some) out of my life. What makes me smile? What makes my heart jump? You know I really hope its not something like kittens in the rain or grilled KFC (because I didn't get that Oprah coupon. Plus those grill marks on that ain't right,they ain't right. They are disturbing like McRibs)

To be honest so much of my happiness comes from seeing other people smile that it is kind of hard to figure out what really makes me happy. You know besides not being homeless and knowing where my next meal is coming from. To be honest, think what I’m looking for is that one thing that makes me happy despite any circumstance or life situation and to be honest I don’t know if I could describe that. What makes you happy? You know besides the outside stuff. Like when I was kid I remember playing outside with a stick giving concerts made me happy, so did riding my bike through the neighborhood like a mad woman, so did selling my colorings from my giant coloring book for .01-1.00, and making water damns with leaves and sticks and sticking straws into ant beds….

Uggggh so why is it so hard to articulate what makes me happy these days. I mean really all this material stuff I have it don’t make me happy. I think this is where I break out into A Keys if "I ain't got you" My friends, sure they make me smile but as we all know other people should not be your happiness. I mean really, ask any mother who lived for her kids how she feels once her kids grow up and move on. I don’t know why its so hard. I mean I know it’s not crack! I think its accomplishment.

I mean I’ve been thinking about this for week’s folks and I’m a goal setter. I set all kinds of goals and I love working to meet a goal but above that I love completing what I said I would. I mean there are plenty of things I don’t complete but when I do complete a goal it makes me happy. I think…I’m still sitting on that trying to see if its happiness or just relief. Well I’m still searching for what makes me euphoric besides what you can get in a dime bag on any corner in the hood. I mean I’m not sad I just need to be able to pinpoint my happiness so I can recreate it whenever necessary!

Be EZ,