Again you all have a fabulous blogger to thank for this wonderful post today. I was over reading this on (not)Happy about this, one of the few blogs my work lets me pass my time reading. Her blog is really about that space the space between "Hey how you doing? My name is" and “I want you to be my gal/woman/or whateva is hot in the streets to call your lady these days”
This is such a long and complex and deep subject I’m gonna try to really edit this post, so my points don’t get lost in fervor I have for this topic. I could talk, preach, scream all day on this ish right here. Really Imma try to edit this down so it’s not such a daunting read. No Promises. Here we go.
No matter where you are in a relationship there are a few rules to that should help you survive period.
Never make anyone a priority that makes you an option
This is my favorite and the primary rule that I live by. When you first meet someone and you are dating they are just an option in life. I mean you can chat with them, wash your hair, go out with them, wash your clothes, hang out with them, wash your dishes, have sex with them, wash your va-jay-jay all interchangeably, just depends on when they catch you.
As you can see in my world there’s a whole lot of washing going on when I’m not dating. You can also bullshit with your friends, play on twitter, write a blog, or listen to the sounds of your breath (breathe in, EXHALE out…never wait to exhale never) with your dating options. That’s really all up to you.
Anyway as you spend time with someone you like and you’re in the same place romantically well the actions of BOTH of you will change. I mean if you find yourself making more of an overall effort than the other guy, then you are making an option a priority.
If you find yourself not doing other equally as fun things with out old boy, yet he seems to be doing all kinds of equally as fun things with out you, well you’ve made your option a priority.
I think this works for both sexes, but I’m not a man, so I can only speak from what I see out my window.
Here’s a story I’m sure some women may know too well:
Boy meets Girl A. Boy and Girl A like each other but both Boy and Girl A don’t want a relationship. Boy and Girl A casually date. Boy and Girl A like each other and before you know it Boy and Girl A are almost living together. Meanwhile boy meets Girl B and things change with Girl A. Girl A ask boy wassup? Boy tells Girl A utter bullshit and continues to see if he likes Girl B more. Then either Girl A finds out about Girl B= drama. Girl B finds out about Girl A= drama or Boy moves on and marries Girl C, the girl that basically said if you wanna play in this sandbox you better come correct and promptly removed her toys and left the sandbox once when she realized he was playing with every letter in the alphabet.
Sure there are variations on this story and trust in my life I have been EVERY letter of the alphabet. The best solution to all of this would have been to have a real honest talk. Listen to the answers and if they don't match up well don't make excuses. Women love to make excuses when men's words and actions don't match up. He's confused, he doesn't know its too soon.
; This leads me to my next rule, men should covet you.
Men should covet you!
My dad told me a long time ago as a young girl, if you gonna be a hoe make sure you’re the BEST damn one around. If you ain’t got men lining up around the corner to pay for it, then you ain’t doing your best!* True story. He also told me that nothing can scare or stop a real man for asking for what he wants, including his feelings of ambivalence about you.
Here’s a story from MY LIFE.
My ex –hubby, HR, and I dated casually for a long time, mostly because I wasn’t sure he was the one (talk about not following one’s right mind). I mean HR was nice, he was sweet, he worshipped me, and he took me on dates. However I was not interested in trying to be his gal, when people would ask I would say he’s just a friend *cue Bizmarkie*. Until one day he was just fed up and started a conversation about dating with me and my roomie at the time. I knew why he did it. I engaged and basically said if a man wants me to be his gal, he needs to open his mouth and say so. I do not read minds nor do I assume from actions that a man likes or wants me to be his girl. I only go from what IS SAID to me (and yes I know a lot of jerks LIE to get the p*ssy. How 7th grade is that)
The next hour (ok the next time we were alone) HR said well um I want you to be my gal. And I straight Juelzed him, I was like no thanks I don’t wanna be in a relationship right now. And had HR been smart, he would have left my non-committal luke warm for him ass RIGHT THEN!! However he didn’t he stuck it out and was my friend and then my dad died and he was there to wipe my tears and the rest was history. Problem is I was never fully committed to him, he was just an option I chose to exercised. I mean I just recently looked at my wedding photos and my face says it all. I scoured for that "he is my priority" look in my eyes, but it really wasn’t in any of those pictures. I mean I was happy, but even then it didn’t read HE IS MY PRIORITY in my eyes. I know many men both married and divorced who had the same looks in their eyes when they got married.
Anyway the moral of that was HR asked me. Even though he dilly dallied around, he asked me once he found out that was what I was expecting, to be asked. He did it. If a man sees you are still living your life as a single woman, which I think EVERY MAN you are not exclusive with should both see and feel. If he wants you to SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN, he will ask and some men will tell you. Point blanks no matter how he feels. If he doesn't say that he wants you to be his woman, that should let you know where you are in his life, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the station or it won't change, BUT JUST BE AWARE. I’m not ready for love means just that, please KNOW you and your self proclaimed magical p*ssy will NOT change his mind about you being his girlfriend. Sorry ladies it does not work that way. Your cooking won’t change his mind, your caring for him and loving him won’t change his mind. There is one thing out there that might change a man’s mind if he’s unsure on commitment (and not just unsure on you) and/or save your life if he ain’t shit. And that my friends is YOUR ABSENCE (it can make a heart grow fonder if there’s something there), which leads me to my next point, moe around.
That’s right girls, I am the queen of MOVING THE PHUCK AROUND. At the sign a dude is going some ol' shady ish. I simple just disappear. Like I know a few things like Karate, and Karazy and Karackhead. I also know when a man acts flaky with you just move around. And please don’t announce it like the lames who announce they are unfollowing people on twitter. Just do it. If he can’t give you what you want and he can’t love you how you want to be loved after you have expressed this in your four page letter sealed with a kiss, MOVE THE PHUCK AROUND!!!! One of two things will happen when you do this, the dude will see how wonderful and great his life was with you and get it together and come at you correctly (However sometimes he should stay gone. Sometimes your lot in life is to make a man a better man for another woman. I’m still waiting on HR’s new wife to send me some kind of thank you gift or card or something. Oh well *glamazonshrug*) The other perk of movin around is you will actually do just that. You will live your life and find out after the suck of another peen biting the dust that there is probably someone out there better for you and that someone is YOU ! The realist in me must tell you this is probably what WILL happen when you chose to move around in a weird situation, because a lot of men are full of shit, but to be honest a lot of WOMEN are also on some bullshit too when it comes to relationships, me being one of them. I’m pretty sure the man that gets me to act like I know is gonna have to really just charm the shit out of me way past liking him and all that biz. He probably gonna have to get me on some of that date for 8 years shit. And I’m pretty sure we will be perpetually engaged. Blame my father, I do. All that puts me at my final point of this post, do you.
The number one thing we all need to remember male and female that we can NOT love anyone until we LOVE ourselves. That’s it. Point Blank. I mean as you may have seen in my previous post, I’ve spent sometime on the couch and wella I know this to be the healthiest mental mindset out there. (Just so you know my Therapist pronounced me healthy and whole at the end of 2009, until I feel unbalanced again Imma ride with her diagnosis) How you feel about ANY situation should be the main contributor to any decision you make about your situation. If a situation does not feel right to you NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS you do what’s right for you. If a situations feels right to you NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS you do what’s right for you. I mean I live a very unorthodox life period. Men, women and dogs don’t get how or why I live my life like I do, but I like it. I’m sure some would call it #hoshit others would call it random or weird or masculine, however I don’t care what anyone calls it or says about it ONLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
That is what thousands of dollars of therapy have given to me, the freedom to be completely secure in the odd ball that I am. I am who I am and what I am and I will not apologize for not conforming.
I do what I want to do, when I want to do it, with whom I want to do it with and sometimes I do it WHERE I want to do it. You can judge you can turn your nose up, you can make jokes you can laugh, but since you ain’t paying nary bill in my house and most certainly aren’t drying my tears I really don’t care. And you can even give me an opinion on my life I will smile and take it review it and I may even use some of your pointers IF they work for me, however whatever you have to say about me and my life and my happiness is just that to me, something YOU said. Not gospel, not law, not anything but unsolicited advice. Now if I’m not happy of course that’s a different ball game, but you gibronies smell what I’m cooking.
So with that I am done. I bid you farewell and wish you much fun. And as always
P.S.- I’ll be taking questions in the comment section until I post again feel free to converse with or with out me. Please tip your bartenders. Thanks!
* This has NOTHING to do with my point or this post other than to let you know what kind of real talking man helped RAISED ME! and to shock the shit out of you. However things like that got his point across to me early, which was basically be the best at what ever you do and I will be proud of that no matter what it is. Along with the advice on men.