Thursday, December 6, 2007

Adjusting!

I know it's been a minute. Well more like a minute and a half since I have checked up with anyone. I'm here. I'm living. And I'm doing fine. OMG I am adjusting. As some of you guys ALREADY know I just moved in my new spot. What is crazy is the adjustments I am making. The thing is building this house and moving in was very cathartic for me. It was a part of my healing from my divorce.

I left everything when I divorced. I walked away from my house because it was pawn. I have heard and read my ex say many times I left to whore. But the truth was I left my house because I couldn't live there. I mean after him placing taps on my phones and setting traps to see what I was doing, I knew if I stayed there he would monitor me, well unless... until he healed, or found a Philly to get him over it. Not over me, but it. I don't think he was so concerned with loosing me, I think he was concerned with looking like a failure. Hey I don't think he's bad for feeling like that because I felt the same way.

I totally agree because that was the main reason I never made moves to leave him before the incident where he gave me reason to leave, because I didn't want to be a failure. I didn't want to say that I didn't think getting married through or that I didn't truly respect it. Back then when I married I did what I was supposed to do. I had checked everything off on my list and getting married was on my list. He was nice, I loved him (probably not enough to marry him- but I wasn't complex or mature enough to even know that back then) and he loved me. GETTING MARRIED was the obvious choice.

Anyway back to me and this house, I left my house and basically as far as a homestead was concerned took a step backwards. For me having a home again and accomplishing that made me feel like I had rebuilt my life. You know for some its remarriage, for others its cleaning up their divorced riddled credit, but for me building a house and having a stable place that was my thing. However, I guess I didn't realize how much running a household differs when there is just one person running it. Mandy often talks about her thought about homes being for married people, which if you think about it, especially me thinking about it right now, I CAN TOTALLY SEE WHY. I mean when I was married there was help. Even though now I make a little more than what we made together did 6 years ago, a second income still helps. I mean there were bills when I was married I just wasn't responsible for, I couldn't even begin to tell you what my light bill cost back then or my phone. Anyway, owning a home as a single person, well it's different. I like it but it's a BIG ADJUSTMENT. BEING completely responsible is AWESOME in so many ways but so SCARY in a lot of others. You have to pay attention to your spending. You have to be aware of your surroundings and who you bring into your house. There is whole level of security you lose being one. I mean some of this I have worked through when I first split from my husband, but at the same time unlike an apartment there is no apartment gate code or neighbors who share your wall or that might check on you if they heard your screams or cries. Ok enough doom and gloom.

I have just been ADJUSTING, while at the same time I've been preparing for my side hustle. My dad was a side hustle kinda guy and now I got me a side hustle. While building my house I developed a LOVE for real estate. I mean I had it before but kinda from a far, I was scared to really try to flip a house or buy some land and rent, but now I am so ready. I know the housing market is in turmoil, but not in Texas and what I'm trying to do is revitalize some spots in the inner city for young black professionals who want to live inside the loop, don't mind older quiet neighborhoods that are logistically convenient to city living but still considered the hood. The thing is where I'm located and trying to build would be consider transitional. I'm hoping it will transition a little more, not so much like Mid-town, which if you know your Houston geography you know mid-town use to be a 4th ward "hood" of Houston so to speak minutes from down town. Even if it doesn't the property value should stay steady and appreciate decently and even if it doesn't I love my neighborhood, my moms is down the street and it's a place I can stay and if I move on up, will have no problem renting/leasing out. So as I finish adjusting to my life by myself for myself I am ready to start doing more things that perhaps one person shouldn't do by herself, oh well.

The one thing I have learned is that being with me makes me happy. Sometimes I question if I am broken because I have no desire to be married again. Friends say its because HE hasn't come along, but I don't know I have had a few "He's" and they haven't made me want to be married. I know that sounds horrible, especially for a country girl raised in the Baptist church who loves sex. That pretty much means I will spend a majority of time on my knees, having fun and asking God to forgive me for that fun, but oh well.

I have co-workers, friends, acquaintances who want to settle down and have a family. Even my best friend from high school seems to be looking for a mate to make an honest woman out of her. Me, I like my life like it is. I still can't get myself to want a full fledged I'm your woman you my man relationship. I assume it's because I haven't found him. I refuse to make the same mistake I made when I got married (I was in the same frame of mind when I met my ex). I thought he was ok and I dated him, but I never was head over heels in love with him. Even now there is a man that I love, but we won't be together we will probably be friends for a long while, but I doubt if we will ever even be married And I probably love him more than I have loved a man since I was in college. In my younger days I would have tried to make the round peg fit the square hole, but today I enjoy what we have until it expires or fades away. That is kind of the attitude I've been taking on about love. I plan on seeing if this is unhealthy and just talking to someone, but I think its ok.

Adjusting! I had quite an interesting three years when I think back. Three years ago I was married having Thanksgiving at my house. Wow! Three years ago I was decided to really try to make my marriage work and stop playing around and dilly dallying! LOL!
I never realized how much adjusting I had to do, that I had in front of me.

Two years ago I was exchanging e-mails back in forth with my ex arguing about stuff in the divorce decree. Letting him upset me with his pot shots and his low self esteem.

A year ago I was CELEBRATING making it through whole year of a new life. I guess I'm just happy to be free and happy to be me.

What is really comical to me is I can't remember if that is right like if my years are right. I can't remember when I left, I mean I know when I got married and I know how long I was married on paper so I always work backwards. My ex remembers the date like somebody stabbed him. *LOL* Hopefully he has forgotten but every time I interact with him he seems like he hasn't it seems like HE HATES me. Its so funny because I don't hate him, I may not chose him to hang out with, but hate... NAH.

So many people places and things in these last few years are a fog to me, that could be because I'm over it, it also could be because of my extracurricular activities (if you know know me YOU KNOW what I'm talking about! *lol*) My friend was asking me recently about my life back with my ex…who they so lovingly refer to as Hipsy Russell (LOL) anyway. It was so hard for me to remember details like when he proposed or what he said or our dating life. I remembered I cried and I remember the EXACT conversation that Mandy and I had before going in. Maybe I'm getting old. However what is crazy is I remember with crystal CLEAR memory when my college ex and I decided to be a couple and conversations we had… the brain is so RANDOM to me.

Anyway this has now BECOME a ramble. I mean I guess I am wondering if I will ever be completely adjusted, I guess not because life is a changing moving thing. I mean I think I am adjusted enough and healthy enough to be over my old life, but how do we really know? I do know one thing I am HAPPY and I have an inner peace that is beautiful. I guess to me what is special is I have that in me, I give it to me, so no one can take it away by not loving me, or not being my friend anymore. I think I have always had that but for the FIRST time in my life I understand what it is. I KNOW who I am. You know no question who I am no question of my character, doesn't matter what others say. I think that has always been me to a degree but I never really had to battle or prove that to anyone before. The adjusting and self reflection BEAUTIFUL! I wish it for ALL!

I guess that was the point of this blog… I really don't know WHAT the point of this blog is ANYMORE!!

Be EZ,
OG

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