Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Since nobody is reading...

Imma write here, because very few people happen by. This is probably the safest and easiest place to blog. I don't have to worry to much about who reads or why they are reading ( to spy in, to feel better about themselves, to compare themselves, to match up) anyway I can be me here much easier than I can anywhere else in the blogsphere I have like 10 hits so basically its just me logging in to make my account active! LOL

Anyway today I realize how much I love my best friend. I have been wrestling with some issues, nothing other than the regular life. I had shared that with her and well she totally gets it, but then maybe that is why we are best friends. I think we both push each other and we are both honest with each other and that is really what friendship is about.

I really wish she had been around earlier for me to bounce ideas off of, maybe I wouldn't have made as many of the mistakes that I had made in life. You know I look around and I am so blessed even when I feel sad I still feel blessed.

Ok this is going to be a real vent because I absolutely have to get this shyt off my chest!

I have absolutely NO RESPECT for my ex. I mean at every turn he twist things to make it seem like I was horrible as a person, when I wasn't. I definitely wasn't the nicest, but I had a lot of growing up to do. I'm so glad he let me go or we didn't reconcile, I really think he would have stunted me as a person. I don't know why it bothers me other than I know the truth and what he says happened are so far a part. I try so hard to be honest and real to my truth and he tries so hard to tear me down. Even now, even today, I mean he says shyt about me that makes others run to his side always. I shouldn't give a phuck about it but in reality when I speak about us I try I try my hardest to be true. Like with signing the deed of trust he tried to make it sound like I lost out, when he text me PLEASE CALL THE REALTOR OFF... I mean I haven't respected my ex for a while but it is because of the type of person he is. He looks to be the savior and worshipped and he looks to put others down for not being like him. I just can't. I just couldn't - anyway enough about that.

The other thing is I really must learn the difference in being accepting and enabling. I think I may be too accepting to a fault, enabling people to remain in the status quo, when in actuality I really need to not accept somethings, I think I wait to late or care too little WHO KNOWS!

I'm almost 35 and I think I've done ok for myself. I have learned some real hard life lessons along the way, but I haven't compromised me. In these post divorce years I have been WAAAAAAAAAAY more happier than anytime in my life. I also look at myself and wonder how did I get here. I mean the journey to this place inside me that is so different. I use to be an insecure little girl who picked these arbitrary things that I didn't do, to make me feel better about who I was. That is like the MOST INSECURE THING a person can do put others down to feel better, and that wasn't really me. I think that is what TURNS me off about so many people. They need someone else to be lesser to feel more.

I just can't. I'm not a hater...its not in my blood. I mean even those who hate and have hated on me I can't truly hate. Maybe make fun of them here and there, sometimes it's so hard to be a real nicca!! That's a quote from a real nicca, not mine by any means. However I FEEL HIM ON THE DEEPEST LEVELS!!

I know what it means though, it would be much easier not to follow the code. You know the code people who are real follow. However when you can check yourself and be checked LIFE IS SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL!! Let me get out of here...

Be EZ,

1 comment:

Sister Girl said...

I just HAD to comment here because it's a shared thing between us on this level. Once again,you validate exactly what I've felt as I've traveled the path of being "alone".

And it's not just being alone as others think,it's just that I've learned from my past that I'll be more "careful" in my future because I have more days behind me than I have ahead of me !