Monday, December 5, 2011

Please hand me my protection...

I have NEVER wanted so badly in my life to trust someone…. and despite my attempts the universe tells me… no.  I mean I don’t know what else to do.  If you can’t trust someone you never can really love that person because well how can you love someone and trust them with your heart if you can’t TRUST them period…. This week was suppose to be one FILLED with excitement and I woke up this morning with it filled with mostly dread.  You feel people move away but try to hold on and it’s kinda selfish. Then one of your friends (who NEVER offers his opinion on anyone) tells you out of the blue the best person ever for you was your ex.  The ex that’s been calling you and asking you to rethink your decisions about being done done and  even tho yall have never been done done before you are SOOO sure its DONE.   SIGH (and his sister called yesterday too)

My eyes are watery but really I don’t believe and every time I trust something floats by and shows me that maybe I need to reevaluate. After all I’ve lived a life of men not knowing and coming back after I am moved on, why should that change now?  I guess it’s the reality with being ok to leave and be alone when they just don’t know… but I made this silly promise. 

The thing is I’m a realist. I know shine wears off when they don’t even hear you when you speak one on one let alone among the voices of many anymore… remember when you usta be their favorite new shiny toy. When they use to pay attention to you, now you seem almost like a burden an after thought an obligation.   

I liked my life in my armor tho…it’s much much easier there. I know why I never come out of it tho… I mean its human nature, who wants to live a life of being open to being hurt when they can protect themselves… It’s like choosing to ride a motorcycle with out a helmet, but people do that all the time… it only works out well when the wind gets to whip thru your hair.  The minute you hit a bump in the road you suddenly remember that you are FUCKED (and doesn’t matter how good that carefree wind in your hair felt) if you fly off the sucker…suddenly  the idea of your unprotected head smashing to pieces because its not protected comes flooding to your remembrance… Yeah where’s my armor?  I really think I need it back

I’m not sure its worth all this…

Be EZ,