Monday, December 21, 2009

Confessions of (Former) People Pleaser

I usta to live my life for other folks. I mean like really totally make decisions about my life based on what other folks thought was right for me. It sounds incredibly asinine as I sit here and type this out. I usta live my life based on what others thought I should be doing, others who were not me, others who didn't even really know me (not that it makes a difference), others who were trying to rectify or live their life through me.

I mean I am SO SERIOUS y'all. I usta live my life in order to make other people happy, all the while I was fair to midland about my choices at best. I'm not gonna lie to make this post seem more empowering, I mean for the most part living my life for others was not really bad, however it wasn't great either. And really I had no idea how much it sucked monkey ballz until I started living my life for me and doing what I wanted to do, with out any apologies to anyone for doing anything that they might not agree with.

I mean what your looking at now is the life of a number one, self –identified, people pleaser in remission, I dare not say former. Yes sir, someone who asks the question what would so and so feel if I did this. Yes ma'am the girl who focus is external and very rarely internal. I think I really get/got this bullshyt from my mom, the whole selfless martyr…sacrifice for the greater good BS. When I look back at my life and recollect my first true years of adulthood, I was not free. I didn't make decisions for me or because of my dreams. I simply lived a life that the people around me thought I should live.

I didn't go to Stanford because my mother was a single mom and I got a free ride to the local university. I mean really WHAT WAS I THINKING!! (Well, at least I don't have a lot of college debt because of that one).

I didn't move to NYC when I was 21 to work for the Women's Sports Foundation in Long Island, because my then boyfriend was going to miss me and more importantly no one told me I could do it. Everyone just sat around and said girl you not ready to live in NY . That city will eat you alive. I so could have made it there.

I got married because I had a college degree, solid career, and well a husband and a family is what I should want next, right? So I got one. Never mind the fact that I never wanted a husband as a little girl, or even planned a wedding for my Barbies. My Barbie was doing Samantha Jones things long before Candace Bushnell penned it. However I chunked up the deuce to what I considered a great single life to be domestic. I was good at being a domestic for the most part, just terribly unhappy living life as what I thought married life should be like, instead of creating and defining married life for me and mine.

At least I didn't fall for the you two should have a baby pressure levied on me in 2003, or I'd probably be sitting here married and miserable for the sake of my 2.5 upperwardly mobile spoiled brats. I must admit I almost did though. 6 months before my marriage went POOF we were talking ovulation and body temperature.

I said all that to say that the most important decision I made in my life happened in the first decade of the 2000's one that was not a minute too soon and perhaps a few moments too late. I mean if I had this epiphany earlier in life, well actually let's not speculate that because things happen when they are supposed to happen and when we are ready for them.

I'm telling you the single best decision I ever made for myself was to do me. Like honestly and truly do me and let everyone else adjust. Say what I want and let the chips fall where they may. Stop trying to be the picture of what I think a young black successful black woman looks like and just live my life. Define my joy. Define my happiness. Define what I think is cool and most of all, have no regrets about what ever it is I decide to do.

When I was younger I was always trying to figure out what I needed to do to make others feel comfy or proud. These days I really don't care to much about what folks say (even the folks who birth me and birthed those that birthed me). I have learned that just as I give unconditional love I deserve to receive it back. And sure I don't plan on getting caught in any TRULY embarrassing situations, I realize now even if I do and I'm wrong, my family and my framily are still gonna love me. They might give me a hard time about it, but they are gonna love me. That right there means a lot.

Sometimes in life we don't get to be who we are with out judgment or hate. However sometimes in life there are enough people in our corner that we feel okay about being the person we want to be, no matter how crazy and far fetched that is. I'm blessed to be one of those people.

Not sure what inspired this dump of Free to be Me today. Maybe someone needed to read it or maybe I needed to write it, to remember unconditional love is the greatest gift of all. ALL DAY!! E'RRY DAY!

Be EZ,


Saturday, December 19, 2009

Lessons Learned for 2009

Ok I'm trying to post something for the people. And since we've (yeah me and the frog in my pocket and half the blogsphere) have been talking about what SBFs need to do to get a husband (if you want one) I thought I'd share my list of lessons learned (RE-learned) in the '09. I mean really the first thing you need to do before you get a mate period is work on you. I mean a healthy and happy relationship only happens when two healthy and happy people are involved. I know it's a cop-out doing list but that's just where I am in this blog game right now. Y'all have a happy holiday (Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or whatever else people celebrate this time of year). I hope to post one mo' gin...but I makes NO promises EVER. Here's what was going down for me in the life lessons of 2009 (in no particular order).

Happiness is a decision

I am the captain of my own ship

There is very little difference between being the victim and a self-proclaimed "savior"

It's him (her or them), not me. Nothing is "wrong" with me.

I have control of how I let things affect me.

You can't make someone be a better person if they are NOT interested in being a better person.

If you want something you must put effort into it, things don't just happen.

It's bigger than me.

I am worth it. And no one is worth more or less than me.

Its ok to feel whatever I feel…just feel it.

Loving is not the problem, making sure someone is "worth" loving is the solution.

Live life right now, not because what has happened or what you want to happen.

Be EZ,


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Especially for Women Over 35

I find it absophuckinglutely hysterical that my first post in over six months, my don't call it a comeback post, my my blogs are so effective I can skip 6 months post , my my twitterfam is on my back to blog post, my Blueprint 3 post, my bytch it is about phucking time you post something post would be inspired by the disclaimer on a Nuvaring commercial (is that even how you spell it? I am not really that familiar with any of these NEW fashioned birth controls…pills, pullin' out, and condoms is all I've ever used, not in that particular order.). Anyway one never knows when and where the inspiration to get back in this blog game will come or why.

I mostly write for me, so blogging ain't that serious. I got a gig that I love and pays the bills and for the most part I like my life of anonymity. Not that I'm doing a whole lotta of anything, but something comforts me about the fact that if I beat the shyt out of my husband with his golf club at our mansion and he wrecks his Escalade trying to make the great escape that only about a handful of people would know and less than that would care past a casual mention during a lengthy gossip session. "Girl did you here about the G's. That's a adman shame. Who's on Wendy today! I just LUV her fabulous azz! "

Or if I got into a fight with my boyfriend and he whupped my azz, like I came at im with a phucking golf club.And I went back to him and loved on him it would be nothing but a stupid move, and not a move that would threaten MY multi-million dollar empire. I like to think that the threat to my self respect and mental/physical well being would be the only threat I needed to move along. I mostly said all that to make myself feel better for not blogging for the 12 people who read me. I'm sorry you had to wait so long. I'll try to do better if… BET does…no I promise to.

On to my main reason for blogging, I was in my bathroom brushing the shyt outta my teeth when just as the SonicCare stops running the part in the disclaimer for the NuvaRing comes on that inspired all kinds of post teeth brushing thought! (There is not a lot you can do after brushing your teeth when you man ain't home.) You know where they tell you about all the crazy shyt that goes along with female contraception and you should be careful if you smoke using this product and do NOT take/use this at all if you smoke and are over 35 (Unless you'd rather risk a blood clot, heart attack and dying than have Dwayne's 15th child with yo' OLD azz).

When it hit me…I'm that bytch, the one that is over 35. And there are a lot of things that women over 35 should NOT be doing (like wearing many of the wigs and clothes that Janice Combs seems so fond of) a lot more than not using birth control when she's a smoker.

Do not get me wrong I LOVE being over 35. I really enjoy being a grown ass woman with herstory. I love the view from here and the lessons and blessing that have come with my 36 years on this earth. And if you know me I'm pretty much an open book you get what you see. I have no regrets about anything or anyone everything that has happened to me needed to happen to make me the me I am today. And I like me. Which a times has been something that was hard for me.

Anyway how did I get here, see this is what happens when you don't practice your craft. You wax on about some bullshyt trying to be cute.

Look it's the end of the year and I'm a fine wine (you know better with time) so here are a few pearls of wisdom for anyone who wants them. And the comments are always open for you to share yours with me.

  • Do not worry about what other people are thinking or saying about you, DO YOU, especially women over 35.
  • Do not sleep with him for any reason except that is what your hot fiery loins want you to do, especially women over 35.
  • Please do not wait for someone/something to be right, get right, do right before you LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE, especially women over 35.
  • Accept complete responsibility for your actions no matter how scandalous they are or are not, especially women over 35.
  • Don't spend your life being angry or mad or hurt over some shyt that is over. Once you get over it be DONE. Don't hit reverse to see how sturdy the bridge you built to get over it is, live in the now, especially women over 35.
  • Control is for remotes, realize that the only control you have in life is over how you deal with things that happen to you, especially women over 35.
  • Always remember not to apply the past to the present because it will phuck up your future, especially women over 35.
  • You should not be in love with the idea of a person (you know a person with intentions, or potential or usta to be a good person) if you do not love that person for who they are flaws and all then you should be moving around looking for the next one, especially women over 35.
  • Never feel bad for being who YOU are, you are the only one God made, especially women over 35.

Look, I could really go on for days and years and months because there are so many lessons I have learned in my 36 years on the scene (the majority looking fresh and clean!!) that I think should at least be repeated (or typed) out loud. I think the thing that makes me the saddest when I read blogs of younger women is sometimes they are still discussing and debating the same shyt my friends and I were discussing and debating 10 years ago before there were blogs to vent and hash on or the saddest when its women who are still my age OR OLDER discussing the same shyt we were discussing 10 years ago. Some of the discussion is promising like I see evolution, some of it is well…

Look man the J in my personality (as in ENFJ) says make a decision about the shyt digest it and move on to the next thing, all that discussion sometimes complicates it, especially for women over 35!!

Be EZ,