Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Smile Because It Happened

I woke up this morning to the Today show, like I do every workday morning, playing on TV. Apparently watching the Today show is something only old broads do, as I was informed last night. The youth of America says young chicks don't watch the Today Show. Anyway, the cast of Entourage was on this morning and a tweet of Jeremy Piven's was mentioned by Matt. Piven said David Nutter told him when they finished shooting the last show Don't be sad that its over... smile because it happened. Of course it struck a chord in me cause that's how I like to live life and its often how I deal with death.

When my dad died I was relieved because I knew he had been very sick and struggling with so many health issues. I also counted myself lucky to even to ever have had him in my life at all...same when I lost my cousin at the hands of his own step-father and the same when I lost a cousin who outlived his life prognosis by 30 years... I never saw it as a loss I saw it as a gift of presence. All three of those lives impacted my life way more than the fleeting moment of their deaths.

Funny it seems that I only get that peace and calm when death passes...when my marriage ended (a death also for me)...My ex said he wished he never met me but I said I'm glad I did because I had to go thru that to make me who I am today...So why I was devastated with my failure I also smiled because being married grew me & taught me so much about who I was and who I thought I was and who I wanted to be. When I think about the many things I have lost (tiny deaths of people, places, and things) I smile...because I'm happy they happened.

It's funny I am way more accepting when things happen than the thought of them happening. I think the fear of losing is far greater than the actual loss and sometimes we are so wrapped up in not letting go of something that is over that we lose sight of all the great things around us. Some of us are so entangled in fighting for something that isn't gonna be, we wake up and realize we have missed the reasons to smile & enjoy what we have in front of us (or sadly had because sometimes we runoff the things we need chasing the things that aren't for us). This whole experience is surreal tho because I can see me in it but its not my thing.

I don't know its weird...I've never really experienced someone fighting for something that is done outside myself before... its frustrating, to say the least. Its tiring to watch people expend energy on people, places, and things that, well for a lack of a better phrase, they are too good for. I remember having a conversation with Mandy once about someone and she said "I know you love him but you are way too special of a person to be trying to get someone to love you. You're a great woman and no convincing is necessary" Of course that went in one ear and out the other with a ton of excuses of why he wasn't able to love me... but really she was right. You can't convince someone you are the right choice, especially if they have already made another choice. Unfortunately, that's a lesson that has to be learned no one can tell you. Some people learn it with out creating further messes others learn after they have created a cacophony of catastrophes.

The problem is that death of a relationship feels like failure...you always play shit back and wonder if you would have did this and not that would your present not be this? The problem is hindsight is 20/20 and sometimes our future is not intended to be what we dreamed.

Ten years ago I was happily married (or so I felt I was) with a husband that adored me. If you asked me then what my future was gonna be I would have told you in 10 years I expected to be a mom, have my MBA, and be a master of work/life balance. In reality 10 years later I am not a mom nor do I have my MBA yet and I still seek work/life balance.

But I have a way more than that, I have complete peace in who I am and who I may become. I feel like our actual reality is far better than what we dream our future will be, but somehow we convince ourselves that fighting for a future that hasn't materialized is the best way to spend life instead of participating in the life that is unfolding in front of us.

If you ask me today where I will be in 10 years I won't answer with goals or accomplishments (I mean I have them and I know I will have met many of them, I'm me.) What I will answer is in 10 years I will be happy and at peace with who and what I am. Which is my present state. My world will have changed around me and even my priorities but I will remain constant in the peace that is me.

In 10 years I will smile because my life has happened and wont be sad for the things in my life that are no longer. It's something I think we all should try.

Be EZ,

Side note: Ari is my favorite character... I LOVE Ari Gold and everything about him... a man with hustle just makes me weak weak weak in the knees.