Thursday, October 30, 2008

Fresh and Clean! Number One Chick When I Step Out on the Scene!

Ok maybe not really... but in my head I AM! And after all isn’t that what confidence is about, thinking you the shyt no matter what your reality mirror says. So chatting with the crew the other day we were talking about feeling pretty.

I think every woman has her thing that she thinks makes her! You know like you may let a lot of things go but if you gotta bring your lunch and use a metal detector on your couch YOUR [insert beauty vice] is going to be fine! Or when you don’t [insert vice] you don’t feel so pretty or as Crys puts it you don’t fell like Beyonce and I am now going to go a step further and make it an adjective and say you don’t Feel Beyonce or BEYtiful you choose. Insert your favorite R&B Diva if you don’t like Bey.

Anyway I remember when I was younger my mom’s thing was her hair and nails. When I was younger she had two standing appointments hair and nails. She sacrificed so much for her kids but her hair and nails well that was like her vacation or her special treat that made the struggle bearable. The one splurge she got to have.

For me I’m not sure what it is these days. Back in my early to mid twenties it was my nails Always had great nails. And as much as I love hair and make-up I leave the house with out make-up a lot and I do some times go out with nary a wig on my texturally confused hair. I like lashes but never been attached…I think it’s probably my eye brows. Even when I have to painstakingly grow them out for correction I always try to make sure they are groomed. NOTHING changes a face more than a perfectly arched eyebrow “THE PLUCK” as bus chick and I call it makes a world a difference even on the plainest and un-girliest. And I came to THE PLUCK fairly late in the game but as far as beauty goes I came late to the game on most things besides make-up and clothes.

I always had my own unique fashion sense and I also always loved make-up. However stuff like eyebrow grooming and a good nearly undetectable weave well I was years in the game, definitely an adult woman before I really started experimenting with glamour. I was damn near 21 before I pulled a hair out of my brow, well unless you count that time when I completely shaved my eyebrows off with my aunt’s razor. And my dumb seven year old azz didn’t even know I was walking around looking CRAZY! I was in my early twenties before I really started playing with hair as an accessory, then I met a hair guru from Chicago by way of Detroit, my BFF, and the quest for great hair BEGAN. You know the quest for hair don't stop!

Anyway the things that make me feel like the Number One Chick also known as BEYONCE when I step out on the scene. Great hair and by great hair I mean a nice cut and it don’t have to be mine it just has to be FLY-I-I-I-I-I. Pinkie gloss I love very pink lip glosses EXTREMELY pink like cotton candy pink shyt you think some 8 year doe eyed little girl would wear. Bronzer!! I am the queen of it! And mascara.

According to the polls random azz fools in the street gawking and yelling and trying to call my dam near 6'3" azz in heels shawty and little mama jeans and heels are a must for me.They help show my AZZsets, plus jeans allow me to DANCE. lord knows I LOVE to dance!

I once went on a date and old boy asked me WHY didn’t I wear jeans. Damn, can't I be cute in a something else. I am not a one trick pony! Funny thing is I only wear jeans when I’m a certain size. I think above that size I look a hot mess think denim wrapped hams in jeans. I think going out in my heels is MOST necessary. I don’t feel right dancing flat footed. You have NOT lived until you dropped it like its hot on a four inch heel or saw my glamazon azz do it. I know why strippers like platforms shoes, not sure why they gotta be clear though.

Anyway what makes you number one when you go out? Is it an outfit? Your hair? Your make-up? Your ride? Your body? I wanna know.

Be EZ,

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Barrys and Sashas and Mavericks OH MY!

So each day I'm working on it, because its preventing me from living my best life. I'm climbing up to the platform. Turning away and placing my arms across my chest. I am trusting him not to hurt me intentionally. I am trusting him to love me as much as he says he does, I am trusting him with me, the little me inside that watches the big me make all the decisions. I'm not quite ready to fall back and not sure when I will be, but I'm climbing to the platform that has gotta count. Right?

Its funny the things I trusted and never doubted HR would do, he did. And I wasn't even devastated but I do think I was affected. I want so badly to fall back and let TOM A catch me and get to have that same cathartic cry of knowing it is ok to trust someone, and I think I will. I just know before I can I have to come to the realization that I trust him completely. Love, love is the easy part I can give that out all day, its the basic tenant of life for me. Loving is the easy that's a different story, but I think I'm ready to at least try. And as they say knowing is half the battle.


First I would like to thank all those who contributed to my soul bearing post that was inspired by the June Boatwright character in The Secret Lives of Bees. I read all the comments and for the most part think most people got me. However I did want to just go into a few more details based on some coments and stuff.

My trust issues, while great to me probably are not as dire as they read. However part of me is always exposing and talking about the parts of me that need tweaking. I always want to grow and be better and do better. To me I know I am not as open or trusting as I use to be, and to some degree I don’t like it, which is why I shared and is the thing the movie brought home to me in my face, you know the part and character I MOST related to. I am by no means walking around clutching my purse, heart, love but I am also not plunking down money on the Brooklyn bridge being as sold by some Idris Elba look alike.

I quoted the last paragraphs because for me they were the ones that were THE MOST important of this post and I like quoting myself makes me feel cool and wanted to make sure that everyone understands I am trusting, but it is hard. TOM A and I have talked and I feel secure and sane and healthy. Something about actually putting it out in the air as opposed to having the conversation in your mind. Not sure how it is for everyone else, but for me what my mind thinks is going to happen in the conversation is usually far worse than the ACTUAL conversation. I do miss the days when my mind couldn’t comprehend or go to scenarios that were so dramatical (I LOVE THIS NON-WORD). However I am who I am and it is what it is. That’s life. And I am sure the loss of the naivety is much better for me as a woman, as a person in genral.

Other Random Things
I’m voting today! Yep!I am probably voting right now as you read this. My absentee ballot came in the mail. I had to a little research on the under tickets, but I am about to place my X’s every where and mail this thing off!! This is so cool, I actually will remember this election and be able to say I was in Boston and voted absentee for the most historical election of MY LIFETIME. It has changed the world no matter what the outcome, but the outcome better be WHAT I WANT!

Boston, being the home of JFK (a president our fair Bare is often compared too), is a kinda special place to be. Boston, being the city where Obama was the first Black President of the Harvard Law Review, has significant relevance in this moment in history. It's kinda cool to me, like I said in Glamazon Glimpse I love living this life each day its kinda cool to see what God is gonna make it do!

I believe in women sticking together and recognizing how much we can learn from one another and asking questions. If you think someone is beautiful, watch them ask questions and see how you can do the same thing, as opposed to comparing yourself to them. That’s my motto.

-Beyonce, November InStyle interview

That is why I stan for her!! *lol*

Oh and this is why I stan for Sasha

Sasha Fierce

That’s all for today. Gotta go Barack the Vote.

SOLID!! Solid as Barack!! *lol*

Oh yeah tonight is the 30 minute BarackOmercial or variety show if he took SNL's idea. I LOVE this taxcut calculator, does McCaint have one of these on his website? No, he has a continuos loop of Maverick the movie running.

I think TBS should have played Maverick all night tonight as a counterad to Barack's closing points. I love that he is such a lawyer, closing points! Still not sure why you should vote for me. Well let me wrap this up...HERE IS WHY you should pick ME!! LOVES IT!

Be EZ,

Monday, October 27, 2008

June Boatwright

So, today I went to see The Secret Lives of Bee's. It was a hard decision between this and W and I decided that real world politics was enough for me after watching McCaint on Meet the Press. So I opted to see something about women. Bee's is a story...well I am sure you probably kinda know the story but if you don't here's a brief description. Anyway I went because I consider myself a feminist, well actually a black feminist. When I was in college many moons ago I spent all kinds of time studying and reading about women, mostly black women. I managed to take every English course offered about black female authors that was offered during my time in college. I also manage to take every course about blacks in america as well. As a matter of fact if I had put in a few more hours I would have gotten a dual degree in Women's Studies and English. However that's not what I'm talking about today.

First things first, this movie made me cry, not for the usual reasons or the reasons that others may have been crying, I mean its a heart tugger anytime you talk about civil rights, freedom, and learning about love you got a heart tugger. The movie made me cry because my connection to June Boatwright, Alicia Keys character. I'm trying to tell you why with out spoiling the movie and well I'm going to try my best, but please accept my apologies for any spoilers and please feel free to leave now and comeback and read this after you have seen the movie.

June struck me because June was in love in this movie with a man, a man she refused to marry and a man who refused to stop asking her to marry him. You see it was something about the Boatwright sisters that made them believe that marriage compromised their independence. As a divorcee I have to say I agree, based on my first marriage. I remember feeling suffocated by my marriage, changed, and to some degree shackled. Not free. What I didn't get until later is that it wasn't marriage but it was the clash of personality types in my marriage that made me feel that way. I think my ex expected me to become dependent on him, and well that just isn't who I am or was or ever will be. I need to be a solid contributor to any partnership I'm in. Well any meaningful realtionship in my life.

I mean there is something to be said to a man wanting to marry you and perusing that relentlessly, but there is also something to be said to being true to yourself. You see in my case marrying him (HR) was not being true to myself. In June's case not marrying him was not being true to herself. It was much easier for June to say no and much easier for me to say yes.

Even now I have extreme anxiety about marriage. The other day someone mistakenly referred to TOM A as my husband and I got this OVERWHELMING feeling of anxiousness. I mean its crazy. And soon as I got it I said [goverment name], why does marriage make you so anxious and uneasy.

I know I love him, but I don't think MARRY him and I think I am ok with a title-but I'm not sure. Whats the matter with just enjoying each other why we gotta label it, labels don't gaurantee shyt in my book. I had the CoCo Chanel of labels as a wife and I might as well have been some chick he just met last week. I guess I think MARRYING makes things messy. I don't know, I feel like June can't we just be. You know BE in love, BE together, BE there for one another, BE trustworthy, BE lovers, BE until we no longer are. I know lots of be's and most of them don't live a secret life.

Maybe its because I realize marriage offers no real security, for when it doesn't work it is time to go. I am one of those folks, selfish some would say. Not interested in sticking it out for the marriage or the kids, knowing when the worse is far to worse. Then again I think maybe with the right man there would be sticking it out, but to me marriage wouldn't make that kind of stick to it ness materialize. The one thing I have realized in relationships either you are in them or you are not and doesn't really matter what you call them. Either you are willing to go through the worse or you aren't and a title, child, or piece of paper will not change that. Your heart determines if you are all in. I guess that's why its best to be all in with someone way before you marry them, although being married to them ain't no automatic all in. Having his baby ain't no automatic all in. The all in has to come first.

You are or you aren't, all in. Maybe that's what soulmates is about the ability to go all in, despite your deepest and darkest fears of what will happen. I don't know. I just know what I feel when I feel it. I'm scared. I'm like June, I like to be in control of my emotions. Love doesn't allow that. I'm scared, but not fearful. To me, fear prevents you from doing. Being scared is what lets you know you are taking a risk. Being scared is just an emotion. Fear is often prevention of emotions. I'm scared.

I don't know how to be vulnerable. I don't know how to be weak. The thing is, those are things that you don't have to know how to be, you just are. Being in love is the biggest trust fall you can ever have. And the thing is the more you love the higher the platform you are falling from gets. You know the platform you stand on before you fall back and let your friends catch you. Man that trust fall got me every time in those team building retreats.

I'm scared to trust other people to have my back. I am scared to trust other people to catch me as I blindly fall back seeing them there waiting to catch me. Hearing them say just fall we got you. I am too busy thinking they can't hold me. They have no idea how heavy I am. I have watched and coached many people to fall back, but never made that emotional climb to be caught myself. In the trust fall of life I am a professional catcher and never a faller.

Its the same in life I don't fall back. I don't rely. I don't because even though they say they have me, I can't fully trust them. I can't fully just fall back and let them catch me. The crazy thing is I love people and will do anything for anyone I feel needs help and a few who probably don't, but I don't trust them. Well not completely, I am never surprised by betrayal because well I never put all of my trust in anyone. So when they betray my trust recovery is easy, because well I already went through it in my mind. I put my trust in God that he will not let me take on more than I can bear, but to trust another human being to catch me. It is hard. I want to believe and sometimes I do believe. However going all in, that isn't me.

I want to go all in. I want to be there, but its hard. I have been to so many team building retreats and everyone has some version of the trust fall. I think I have managed to not do it every single time, or maybe my mind won't let me remember the one time I fell. It is the scariest team building exercise ever. I wish I knew what made me unable to trust. I know what has perpetuated it. I know how to fake it, but the truth is to completely trust someone to be who they say they are is the scariest thing to me and the minute they show they are human I take it as a sign not to trust them. I mean I have trusted people provisionally, which means I have given them my trust but always told myself don't forget they still can hurt you. Trust is so hard for me.

I love him and I want to trust him. I want to trust him like a child who has known no heartache and an adult who has felt no pain of betrayal. I want to trust that he loves me like my heart tells me. And for the most part I do, however my head often takes me aside and says you know it makes no sense to go all in it could be devastating for you. So each day I just worry about trusting him right now. That's all I can do. It feels right to me. He feels right to me and he hasn't done anything to me for me to distrust him, but I've never fell from that platform. I wish I had. I mean I have caught plenty of people. The ones like me that refused to go, but somehow decided to try it one time. Their tears are the ones I wish I had already cried. There seem to be something so serene and joyful in their eyes, a renewal of hope, a new outlook, a belief that there are some people in the world who are indeed as trustworthy as they were. A cathartic moment in life when you truly understand TEAM!

I mean it only makes sense I can not be the only trustworthy person in the world. There have to be others like me. Right?

So each day I'm working on it, because its preventing me from living my best life. I'm climbing up to the platform. Turning away and placing my arms across my chest. I am trusting him not to hurt me intentionally. I am trusting him to love me as much as he says he does, I am trusting him with me, the little me inside that watches the big me make all the decisions. I'm not quite ready to fall back and not sure when I will be, but I'm climbing to the platform that has gotta count. Right?

Its funny the things I trusted and never doubted HR would do, he did. And I wasn't even devastated but I do think I was affected. I want so badly to fall back and let TOM A catch me and get to have that same cathartic cry of knowing it is ok to trust someone, and I think I will. I just know before I can I have to come to the realization that I trust him completely. Love, love is the easy part I can give that out all day, its the basic tenant of life for me. Loving is the easy that's a different story, but I think I'm ready to at least try. And as they say knowing is half the battle.

Be EZ,

Friday, October 24, 2008

Friday Fun!!

I took this test over at Intro's spot and just had to share!! Perfect Friday Fun. Share what you are in the comments if you want.

The Maid of Honor

Deliberate Gentle Love Master (DGLM)

The Maid of Honor

Appreciated for your kindness and envied for all your experience, you are The Maid of Honor.

Charismatic, affectionate, and terrific in relationships, you are what many guys would call a "perfect catch"--and you probably have many admirers, each wishing to capture your long-term love. You're careful, extra careful, because the last thing you want is to hurt anyone. Especially some poor boy whose only crime was liking you.

We've deduced you're fully capable of a dirty fling, but you do feel that post-coital attachment after hooking up. So, conscientious person that you are, you do your best to reserve physical affection for those you you can respect yourself.

Your biggest negative is the byproduct of your careful nature: indecision. You're just as slow rejecting someone as you are accepting them.

Your exact female opposite:



Random Brutal Sex Dreamer

Always avoid: The False Messiah (DBLM), The 5-Night Stand (DBSM), The Vapor Trail (RBLM), The Bachelor (DGSM)

Consider: The Gentleman (DGLM), someone just like you.

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test OkCupid - free online dating Dating

Be EZ,

Thursday, October 23, 2008

A Glamazon Glimpse

And happiness in the face of horrible is not the goal. Feeling the horrible stuff and knowing that you’re not gonna die from the feelings? That’s goal.

- Dr Wyatt, Grey’s Anatomy

Can I share a secret with y’all? No not THAT secret, it’s not time to unveil THAT secret yet. This one may or may not be a secret or good secret worth sharing to y’all, but I just feel like sharing today. I do. My secret is I truly and honestly believe that my steps are ordered. I guess I have always believed this or been instilled with my life being part of God’s bigger picture, but honestly most of my life I was just living. In these last 8 months I have never felt more connected and directed and clear headed about my life and my love. Things have happened to me and fit together like a perfect puzzle. Sometimes I feel like the favor on my head is just that God’s favor nothing more, nothing less can explain the many blessings I have received. The way doors have opened and things have moved around in my life.

Actually, when I really look at my whole life I have always had His favor even when I didn’t deserve it. Thank God for grace. I think the things I have learned and faced in my life in the last 4 years have prepared me for being happy- no joyful. For happiness is fleeting but joy is eternal. I have been through some extremely dark times. I have felt like a misfit, I have felt like I would never find someone who got me, I have felt like a third wheel, I have been blindsided with betrayal by people I thought of as family, I have lived, learned, and loved in a different city and in MY CITY, I have listened to prison songs and watch freedom ring, I have been exposed to a bigger world and now want to see more… be more…do more… change the game. Change my game. DO ME on a whole other level. I want to create and give and love and progress and move forward and twirl around on a mountain top like Julie Andrews or even elevate with an umbrella...ella ella...ella...aye...aye...aye! A spoon full of sugar baby!!

I have – no I am loving, despite my fear of horrible things that happen when you open yourself up to being loved. I have realized that I will survive, so worrying about not surviving is not an option. I am in a place where my joy can not be taken or stolen or even borrowed. I have learned to live in my moment and know that joy does truly come in the morning and more importantly joy never really leaves sometimes you just have to be still to find it nestled deep in the darkest corners of your heart.

I have experienced something real. When I reflect back…when I look back at my life, I am in awe of the story that is being written for me and forever thankful to the Author and Finisher. Maybe one day I will retell it in sequential order. I will chronicle this, but the thing is I don’t think I am even anywhere near the climax of my plot. Higher...Higher...Higher! Sometimes I sit and cry tears of joy and thanks when I think of all the things God has taught me and showed me through living life. My experiences have been some of the most humbling and who I am now is a much better woman because of all the horrible things I have survived and all the beautiful blessings I have received.

The One, I’m not sure if he exists, but I am happy that he is here. I am glad that he speaks in terms of us and is honest, even when it would be easier to be dishonest. I am glad he understands that I don’t know how to be vulnerable and sometimes I retract and run or shut it down on him completely. He is patient with me, even when I'm not patient with myself. I am so happy that he provides a safe place for me to grow and learn in this relationship. Everything about us is DIFFERENT from anyone I have been with but EVERYTHING feels right. And when I tell you I am scared of losing this I am SO FOR REAL. And when I tell you that if ended tomorrow I’d be heartbroken and devastated I am SO FOR REAL. And when I tell you that I know I would be ok and life would go on if it did end I am SO FOR REAL.

But when I tell you, I have no idea what I will do if this is my ever after, after all what I have right now is not what little girls dream about. They dream about the life I had before. The big fairy tale weddings and husbands who worship you and buy you things including the diamond encrusted pedestal they put you on.

I’m a planner and I am living a life and a relationship that barely has an outline, not the detail I'm use to. And I am happy. I am happy. I never knew letting go and taking the risk would feel like this. I never realized how much I tried to contrive my happiness to match what I thought was happiness.

And I am happy being who I am. And surprisingly I am LOVED being me. Not who someone thinks I am or expects me to be, because of things that are external to me, but LOVES me despite all the flaws I grapple with everyday. It really is a beautiful thing! Being comfortable in my skin and being loved because of my soul, not because of the thngs that crumble or fade. I've never wanted to take a risk like this and my head says this time next year, hell next month... it may all be different, but I'll be damn if I forget THIS feeling right here.

Be EZ,

To be willing to stand in your truth, stand in your vulnerability, stand in your fear, stand at your breaking point and hold on to yourself – that’s what matters. And that’s what surprises Meredith. She’s shocked that she’s allowed to be herself and someone loves her anyway.
-Krista Vernoff, Writer, Grey’s Anatomy

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

(Random) Tuesday Thoughts

I am not middle class. I’m not rich. Actually maybe I am middle class, but I know I am closer to the top than at the heart (or the middle) of the middle class. To be honest I make more than the average American family (Google what that is if you need to know my business, but how much more than that average will remain my business). I make more than two adults in a average household, I hold a mortgage in good standing, own my car outright, and have a good amount of savings in the bank (not what I want but more than a lot of folks I know), some stocks (that kept their value), annuity, and a few mutual fund accounts that will be ok once we get through this recession. I actually have a pretty nice net worth when I sit down and think about it. All and all I would say financially I am doing ok, I am carrying more debt than I want but I am working on that as we speak and have a plan to be in gray (can’t be in the black completely cause I’m not paying my house off anytime soon) by the next year.

Now by NO MEANS is this a literary brushing of the shoulders I just wanted you to know where I am coming from when I get ready to broach the subjects of this recession, the credit crunch and the election or in this case welfare . I was reading letters to the editor in the Metro this morning and someone wrote a letter asking why there was no poll that asked voters what Americans thought about Obama giving 60 million Americans that do not pay one RED cent in taxes$500-$1000 of our hard earned money in welfare?

Man I sat on the bus disgusted. I was like this Rene H Contreras is outraged that we are giving out welfare? What? Wow! My first thought was to write a letter in response and I still might. However I wanted to blog about it and talk about WHY! WHY it is necessary to help your fellow man. I mean when did we get away from helping our fellow man? I grew up with my mother mostly, my dad made sporadic child support payments, and the village helped out when I needed things my mom couldn’t afford right at that moment. I mostly babysat my many cousins in return for school clothes, driving lessons, and spending change. If it were not for my extended family on both sides, I am sure we would have been on some type of assistance or perhaps we would have just been worse off as the working poor (those who make to much for assistance but not enough to really live- you know paycheck to paycheck).

Anyway I just don’t understand people like Mr/s. Contreras, who are angered by a plan that gives some 60 million non-tax paying Americans a $1000 of his hard money. Why isn’t he angered at an administration that has given 10 billion a month to non-American citizens while they sit on surplus of cash? Or the fact that we give social services to everyone here in America, citizen or not. Or at John McCain’s frenemies Bush/Cheney for the TRILLIONS lost in the stock market or made on over priced gas and government contracts.

I mean when did we become such a cold uncaring nation? Just for the record those Americans do pay taxes, they pay sales tax well I guess they don’t in some states, but most states have some type of tax on things purchased. Look I’m not saying there isn’t fraud out there, but come on have we become a nation that is no longer willing to help those less fortunate than ourselves out. I shudder to think of a world with out good old fashion humanitarian gestures. No not the philanthropic entities that many of the rich and famous head, but the good old deeds I grew up with. People helping me, people giving me a job to earn money my mother couldn’t give me, people buying me Christmas presents even though I wasn’t in their immediate family, people picking me up from the library late in the night, people letting me drive there extra car for the price of insurance to cover it while I worked the summer to buy my own car, people selling me a car for next to nothing so I could have a piece a car. If any of those people were Rene Contreras I probably wouldn’t be who I was today.

You see the thing is when you help someone out who is below poverty level or on it makes it a little bit easier for those people to succeed. If no one had helped me out I could have very well just been a statistic. Or maybe I could not like people who were successful and let my childhood of HAVE NOT justify my adult life of any MEANS necessary.

Look I understand we can not help everyone, but at the same time helping one another to me is an American tradition and not one that we should abandon. Here’s where all that jazzy stuff I just told you comes in, I mean it would be very easy for me to say some bullshyt about I got mine THEY better get theirs. Only problem is I didn’t get mine, I had help, as many Americans do, getting mine. From my full academic scholarship to Rice which was based on my need. Some nice lady set aside money for need based scholars who got into Rice to my first car at 21 that a co-worker sold me for DIRT cheap because he knew I needed a car and he’d rather I get it than the dealer mark it up to something ridiculous (best 1000 dollars I ever spent!). There have always been people both know to me and unknown that have provided for me to lift myself a little bit higher each time. Its clear many on the right still don’t get it. If you don’t want your property threatened or family in danger you must help create opportunities for others if you have the capacity to. You must invest in the future. There should be opportunity for those who were not born into a family with enough clout to make you POTUS. I do know the one thing the higher I move up on the food chain the more I notice that the people who get the most help and hook ups are the ones who DO NOT need it. If I knew some of the things I know back when I was struggling, I wouldn’t have struggled as long as I did.

As I sit here and count my blessings, I know it is likely that I will most likely not be able to send my kids to many government funded programs or have my daughter/son go somewhere free based on need. I mean if things work out for me in the next few years I PLAN to be paying more taxes, meaning I hope to be one of the people making more than 250K in the next four years (a girl can dream huh!!) after all I believe to whom much is given much is expected. Sorry, plus hoarding money come on, that’s not a good look. Now don’t get me wrong I plan on trying to leave a legacy for my family, but I also think it is unpatriotic and UNAMERIAN not to help your fellow man in some way when s/he is down on his/her luck. I know it’s such a liberal way of thinking, but I just can’t imagine what my life might be or what kind of person I might have become if no one showed me kindness and let me retain my dignity while learning how to be better.

Just a random Tuesday thoughts, brought to you by some AZZ who wrote the Metro.

Be EZ,

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I'm Colin Powell and I APPROVE this candidate!

Well ,I was gonna write about my life, but man I woke up to what I was waiting to already happen. So that is today's post. I'll share whats went down in the H later this week, along with another really GREAT surprise. Feel free to guess what you think that is, but on to MORE important things. Don't go too crazy because its not too crazy.

I think this will be one of the BIGGEST endorsements of Obama, since the Kennedys. What say you?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Happy in Houston

Man, I LOVE home. I am so happy to be here. I hope this doesn't send my homesickness into dire mode when I return back to Da Bean.

Anyway home has been good. I am just happy being here and kicking it and living and loving. Yep I said it. LIVING and LOVING, you read between the lines on that. TOM A is doing great and I am having a few battles with really letting myself go. You know I ALWAYS got the side eye in reserve for a Negro. However, every time I even try to insinuate something he shuts it down before it can start.

Life is good. And it may not ever be as good as we are right now, or it could even be better. I really don't care because I can only worry about today and enjoy today for what it is.

I'll try to elaborate more one day, when words other than I am happy and images other than me have a big cheese eating grin on my face come to my mind. So right now think of something or someone that makes you SMILE from ear to ear. Ok now multiply that times the bail out and raise that to the national deficit and you kinda know how happy I am right now.

See you at the debate bytches!!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Homeward Bound baby

I'm going home bytches!!I love this commercial! I feel just like this little kid when I go back home!

I'll be home for the next week or so working and taking care of home stuff and of course loving on TOM A (yeah I said it Crys!) Anyway I may not be as visible, but I WILL be around!

Be EZ,

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Checkin It Twice

When I was young my standards about a man were OOOOOh so different. Then I married someone who had a majority of the things OG’s perfect mate list.

What I didn’t realize that most of those things were NOT as important as I thought. Actually I realized that my list was not really my list, but a list of what I thought women in general wanted. My list was built on the surface things that keep relationships from falling into despair. What I didn’t realize is that all relationships will fall into hard times and when the times are emotionally hard a man’s degree, bank account, car(s), investment portfolio or gainful employment doesn't really matter.

The truth is, it is often the loss of one of those things on the list that sends the relationship into the emotional recession. That is what it was for me, my ex husband lost part of his business and his income was reduced and so was his self- esteem and who he projected to be, mostly because who he thought he was was all tied up in being a card carrying member of a good man on paper club. Anyway…my marriage and divorce told me something I have known since I was girl, go back to the basics.

A man's character and integrity is not determined by what he has, who he is, or what he looks like. Actually his character often determines his success in those things.
I realized I was not a woman who needed security provided for me, not that there is anything wrong with a man providing a woman with security. I just happen to be very good at taking care of myself. All I really need in that aspect is for you to take care of yourself.

I’m not a list maker but the following list was off the top of my head after reading -1- ‘s post about what she wanted. Really the only thing I really need from a man is to be able to be me. I know that sounds crazy but I feel like I am a fiery ball of contradiction, and for many men it’s been very hard for them to reconcile the part of me they identify with to the part of me that is often contradictory to who I SHOULD be based on who they know.

I need a man who understands how I can read Cornell West and listen to TI. Who really thinks within the historical context of the question What Would Jesus Do? For example, Jesus would side with those who the world tries to outcast today (today’s L, B, T, and G community is nothing more than our modern day lepers as far as how some treat them and as far, as I am concerned, they should be embraced by Christians the same way Jesus embraced the lepers and others outside of mainstream Judaism). I need a man who can understand that under the flyyyyest Chinese Remy light yaki textured lace front is a beautiful head of kinks and curls that I just might sport on the weekend or even the next day and because I love GLAMOUR doesn’t mean I don’t love me in the raw (no make-up , no-hair, a heavily conditioned pony tail, sweats, and flip flops) .

A man who is secure enough not to mind when I ask him questions about his decisions, and knows the difference between question asking and people questioning him. A man who can love a chick who can understand complex theories and stances on being black while chillin’ in the cut, a chick who can watch I Love New York, and discuss how hip-hop has completely tinged a great deal of female ambition with sexuality.

So with out further adieu here is the list I came up straight off the dome.

A man who loves God
A man who understands Jesus
A man who is ambitious
A man who is smart
A man who thinks
A man who does what he says
A man who means what he says
A man with integrity
A man who leaves no doubt in my mind he loves me
A man who can take care of himself
A man who can lead me with out me feeling like a child or a sheep
A man who respects me as an equal and loves my strength
A man who lives his life consciously and is in the present (not driven by his past or limiting his future)
A man who views life as one big BALL of possibility
A man who LOVES me unconditionally and I can love unconditionally

I’m sure I forgot a few, but I really don’t make lists these days.

Be EZ,

TOM A in 3 days!! Talk about excited!!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Getting Mavericky with it!

Thank you SNL!

Man way to MANY zingers! The sad thing is this is pretty much the Debate verbatim!

Don't forget the bail out!

Man, the one silver lining of this bailout is Barney Frank, living in MA I am familar with this cramudgen from the Archie Bunker breed.

Who needs to blog with words about this political scene when you got SNL!

Be EZ,

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Home sweet HOME

OK so, I’m about to share a secret with you guys, I haven’t even told my friends. Two weeks ago I was walking to catch my bus to work. Riding the bus is one of the MOST entertaining things I do. OK OK OK Its not really entertaining, just a fun place to watch people in this city interact with one another, it’s a fly on the wall kinda place for me. After I tell you my secret, I am going to tell you a funny bus story remind me. But anyway, back to what I was saying. I was walking to the bus listening to my iPod which I refuse to sync to iTunes because when I got my new laptop I realized the music TRAPPED in my iPod is just that trapped. If I do what iTunes suggests I will lose some music, because for some reason it wasn't on my backup hard drive.

BACK TO MY STORY, look I’m just running off at the mouth cause I am so embarrassed about what I am about to say. Home by Stephanie Mills, you know from the Wiz, pops up as I’m sitting on the bus reading doing my daily thing. Half way through the song I am sitting on the bus reading and crying. So basically I wasn't really reading, I was wetting up the Metro with my tears of homesickness. I mean I know I have been homesick for a minute and I deal with it, but I had no idea that Stephanie was gonna make me just flat out cry like a little bytch! You’d swear that the House had failed my bailout plan or the mainstream media got me with GOTCHA journalism. I mean what was crazy is at first I had no idea I was crying. Then I realized I was and I said to my ego go ahead be homesick cry and emote lately my ego has also manifested its want from home through really bad moods (I think Tolle would say my pain body was trying to take over), this Monday I WAS IN SUCH a STANK mood that I went to the gym and took this class they offer where you get to beat on drums and stuff. Yep!! I have actively been getting over the hump or outta the valley however you look at it, but I AM HOMESICK like a mo’ fo'. I am just letting it take its course. I'm in a better place because I will be home in 7 days!! WOO HOO! However I am still amazed that this song made me cry actually I'm not because when I think of home I do think of a place where love is overflowing! BTW the fact that Stephanie was NOT in the movie has always made me HAVE A FUNDAMENTAL problem with that damn movie even though Michael was the bomb. Just imagine how GREAT it would have been if she and Michael had eased on down the road. I mean Diana was cool but STEPHANIE WILL ALWAYS BE MY NAACP DORTHY!!

Some people grow up in one place and find HOME later in life and then some people like me grow-up and spend there adolescent/adult lives trying to leave home, only to finally do so and realize with out a DOUBT you have always been home. I am very grateful to live in another city that is geographically, climatically, and politically different from my home, however I’ll take Houston ANYDAY or maybe it’s I’ll take the life I've made for myself there. I really do LOVE it and miss it.

Anyway I just wanted to let you guys know I cried like a BYTCH!! Man like Pookie in New Jack City!

Bus Story the other day there was this older, crazy( or really, really, NOT sober) lady on the bus. I catch the bus home at the train station so both inbound/outbound routes of my bus stop there. Sometimes the drivers forget to change their signs to reflect which way they are really going, so after two buses stop both going outbound, the third pulls up with the sign that its going outbound as well. So me being me and it being 2 buses past late (the not so glamorous part of bus riding) I ask the driver where is he going, he tells me he’s going out bound as well. This other lady dressed like a medical professional starts asking him what’s up why are the buses late etc. In the middle of her conversation the old NOT sober lady steps in front and says something crazy like THEY don’t know where they going answer my questions. The driver says something but I just step back, the other lady goes off on the lady behind me, to her self under her breath but within earshot. Going on and on about...phuck her and who is she and how she needs to shut up blah blah blah. I think to myself damn is it really that important to let some random stranger's comments get you all worked up. Damn, it’s not that crucial to me. Then as I am standing there the old NOT sober lady sits behind me and starts going off on the other lady under her breathe. Then she says some shyt like my daughter would beat her AFRICAN ass, we smart too Africans ain't the only smart black people. Again I think STRANGER DANGER!! I mean really why are you letting strangers do this to you?

FAST FORWARD 5 minutes later. The bus arrives and all three of us end up getting on along with two other black girls, young girls barely in their twenties if that. Anyway the old NOT sober lady tells the bus driver that one of the girls didn't pay her bus fare. Which she didn't, but she had a train ticket and you can ride the bus with your subway ticket. The bus driver makes the girl go back and show her ticket; meanwhile the old NOT sober lady and the subway rider’s friend get into a verbal sparring because she is MAD that the old NOT sober lady was not minding her OWN business. Then she goes on this long LOUD diatribe about hating black people and how she hates them because they don’t mind their own business. And that’s why she doesn't hang out with them. She, who is a a BLACK girl, is telling this to her BLACK friend, the subway rider (man this is more than irony and sheer stupidity it's the PAIN BODY I'm telling you). Then she tells the old NOT sober lady she is better than her and has more and more class. Man ALL THIS was just so disturbing for me to hear. Its part of the reason I think Boston is just ok, I mean you can say A LOT about the South but there is at least more respect of older folks and definitely more acknowledgment of us together in the struggle. Less anger in my opinion more positivity in general. To me it seems blacks in the south have learned a way to live the struggle with out struggling to find happiness and contentment in the struggle, you know the silver lining of the cloud kinda mentality.

The collective pain body of Boston’s black population is draining on my soul. It’s the one thing that I wasn't prepared for. I was prepared for there to be more progressive thinking and thought about race and who we are; unfortunately what I find is hopelessness and mean mugs and ignorance and disrespect. I mean don’t get me wrong there are spots, but only spots and pockets of hope and brightness, but that usually is not from locals its from transplants. I wish I could describe it, but I see why blacks who school here leave here fairly quickly after school, well that and the fact most blacks who go to school here are able to write their tickets ANYWHERE. Anyway this is where you can see what years of institutionalized covert racism has done to generations of blacks here. Boston has always been one of those last strongholds, I mean look how long it took for the Celtics to have a black starting five *lol*

But seriously, the things that locals say and believe here is DEPRESSING. To me Boston should be one of the most progressive places of black thought, even though they are small in number. Many of the greatest black minds and heroes have stationed themselves in this city. Tubman, DuBois, Obama, Ralph, Bobby, Ronnie, Ricky and Mike! All the black minds that Harvard, MIT, Wellesley, have educated (which I have found out are almost all imports and NOT locals). Anyway I guess I’m glad my off the cuff thoughts of what Boston might be were just that, and not expectations. The amount of unconscious and angry living going on in this place is alarming. Very alarming to have so many enlightened folks intermingled with the absolutely ignorant and unconscious. I know it really is in every city, but this ain't my first US city, I don't remember Denver being like this I also don't remember Denver being justlike Compton either, but you know DJ Quick is my boy!

Anyway enough stories of homesickness and people sick in the mind or should I say unconsciously living their lives. My one wish is for everyone to live a life where they are present. Be Present in your life! BE PRESENT! All I know is I have 7 more days until home and a very needed visit!

I watched the debate, yes Palin was better than expected however she wasn't better than Biden in my appearance. I think she is simply getting the tie in this debate because she didn't make any major gaffes, but she also didn't answer a lot of questions. I think it was smart for Joe Biden to talk about Joe Biden and mention Barack had asked him to govern with him, because SO MUCH of the country is harping on B's experience. Well Joe Biden is telling you hey I'm one experienced dude and I am going to be there to lend my experience to the President when he needs it. You see that is what leaders do, they surround themselves with people who can help them make good decisions. Its not about knowing everything its about knowing how to get the information you need to make that decisions from people you trust. Look being a Governor of a large energy producing state don't mean shyt to me. W was the Governor of Texas and wow his energy expertise has sure HELPED this country out huh? *LAWD.

Anyway feel free to comment on what ever you would like. The pain body stuff is Tolle stuff you guys know how I feel about him! I'm not all Oprah but I do believe he is so right about learning to BE PRESENT. Anyway have a good weekend!

Be EZ,