Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Checkin-In.... Checkin-Out

“I trust in Love's timing and give it room for it to grow in all my relationships.” -somebody with good sense

This is my home… I haven’t really been back here much mostly because sometimes you gotta wonder and wander around the wilderness.  I’m in a real weird space right now and here is definitely where I come to work that kinda thing out.  Right now… I have a lot of feelings swirling and a lot of questions… sometimes I just want to know why? And I already know there isn’t an answer.  Things happen because they are suppose to... that’s the answer.

To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven.

I know my ego is angry, angry cause it feels set up, it feels like it fell for the banana in the tail pipe, like I got set up as prey for sport and not prey for actual use.  Some hunters just like sport hunting they have no intent of using the animal they catch for food, clothing, or tools. They just wanna see if they can catch it, kill it, conquer it.  Beat on their hunter’s chest & collect the trophy of the big cat.  Maybe stuff it & put it on the wall if it’s impressive enough or just take a few pictures… I’ve always wondered if fish swam the same after being thrown back always seemed silly to me to hunt for anything other than need, not really fair.  But life isn’t fair…its life.  Shit happens.  It all works together for the good.

The universe moves people around and puts them in your path it’s really your choice how you process the placement.  Funny sometimes you feel like the universe moves all kinds of thing around to clear a path to you and people still go the other way. It’s a hard position to be in but I think its one we’ve all been in, it feels like being on the wrong side of right, if that makes sense.  I don’t even know what that means. I just have a lot of stuff inside that needs to come out before my head explodes or worse I give up. 

I promised myself after TOM A  I wouldn’t blame myself for the decisions made by others that despite my efforts and who I am as a person the heart wants what the heart wants… I mean, I definitely refuse to settle so I would never want anyone to settle for me in any way shape or form.

So looking for that link to all my TOM A post I ran across one on trust… that was interesting. Cause he’s gone now and back then I struggled so much with just trusting & I was afraid of exactly what would happen if I trusted him with my heart and he was careless with my feelings I was scared but I also felt it was worth the risk.  So being on the other side of that fear and realizing that I survived reminded me I’m strong. I don’t feel that strong today other S words come to mind silly, sick to my stomach, stupid, single, sad, selfless, somber…and Imma leave it at this today…and just remember I’m strong.

Be EZ,