Monday, October 27, 2008

June Boatwright

So, today I went to see The Secret Lives of Bee's. It was a hard decision between this and W and I decided that real world politics was enough for me after watching McCaint on Meet the Press. So I opted to see something about women. Bee's is a story...well I am sure you probably kinda know the story but if you don't here's a brief description. Anyway I went because I consider myself a feminist, well actually a black feminist. When I was in college many moons ago I spent all kinds of time studying and reading about women, mostly black women. I managed to take every English course offered about black female authors that was offered during my time in college. I also manage to take every course about blacks in america as well. As a matter of fact if I had put in a few more hours I would have gotten a dual degree in Women's Studies and English. However that's not what I'm talking about today.

First things first, this movie made me cry, not for the usual reasons or the reasons that others may have been crying, I mean its a heart tugger anytime you talk about civil rights, freedom, and learning about love you got a heart tugger. The movie made me cry because my connection to June Boatwright, Alicia Keys character. I'm trying to tell you why with out spoiling the movie and well I'm going to try my best, but please accept my apologies for any spoilers and please feel free to leave now and comeback and read this after you have seen the movie.

June struck me because June was in love in this movie with a man, a man she refused to marry and a man who refused to stop asking her to marry him. You see it was something about the Boatwright sisters that made them believe that marriage compromised their independence. As a divorcee I have to say I agree, based on my first marriage. I remember feeling suffocated by my marriage, changed, and to some degree shackled. Not free. What I didn't get until later is that it wasn't marriage but it was the clash of personality types in my marriage that made me feel that way. I think my ex expected me to become dependent on him, and well that just isn't who I am or was or ever will be. I need to be a solid contributor to any partnership I'm in. Well any meaningful realtionship in my life.

I mean there is something to be said to a man wanting to marry you and perusing that relentlessly, but there is also something to be said to being true to yourself. You see in my case marrying him (HR) was not being true to myself. In June's case not marrying him was not being true to herself. It was much easier for June to say no and much easier for me to say yes.

Even now I have extreme anxiety about marriage. The other day someone mistakenly referred to TOM A as my husband and I got this OVERWHELMING feeling of anxiousness. I mean its crazy. And soon as I got it I said [goverment name], why does marriage make you so anxious and uneasy.

I know I love him, but I don't think MARRY him and I think I am ok with a title-but I'm not sure. Whats the matter with just enjoying each other why we gotta label it, labels don't gaurantee shyt in my book. I had the CoCo Chanel of labels as a wife and I might as well have been some chick he just met last week. I guess I think MARRYING makes things messy. I don't know, I feel like June can't we just be. You know BE in love, BE together, BE there for one another, BE trustworthy, BE lovers, BE until we no longer are. I know lots of be's and most of them don't live a secret life.

Maybe its because I realize marriage offers no real security, for when it doesn't work it is time to go. I am one of those folks, selfish some would say. Not interested in sticking it out for the marriage or the kids, knowing when the worse is far to worse. Then again I think maybe with the right man there would be sticking it out, but to me marriage wouldn't make that kind of stick to it ness materialize. The one thing I have realized in relationships either you are in them or you are not and doesn't really matter what you call them. Either you are willing to go through the worse or you aren't and a title, child, or piece of paper will not change that. Your heart determines if you are all in. I guess that's why its best to be all in with someone way before you marry them, although being married to them ain't no automatic all in. Having his baby ain't no automatic all in. The all in has to come first.

You are or you aren't, all in. Maybe that's what soulmates is about the ability to go all in, despite your deepest and darkest fears of what will happen. I don't know. I just know what I feel when I feel it. I'm scared. I'm like June, I like to be in control of my emotions. Love doesn't allow that. I'm scared, but not fearful. To me, fear prevents you from doing. Being scared is what lets you know you are taking a risk. Being scared is just an emotion. Fear is often prevention of emotions. I'm scared.

I don't know how to be vulnerable. I don't know how to be weak. The thing is, those are things that you don't have to know how to be, you just are. Being in love is the biggest trust fall you can ever have. And the thing is the more you love the higher the platform you are falling from gets. You know the platform you stand on before you fall back and let your friends catch you. Man that trust fall got me every time in those team building retreats.

I'm scared to trust other people to have my back. I am scared to trust other people to catch me as I blindly fall back seeing them there waiting to catch me. Hearing them say just fall we got you. I am too busy thinking they can't hold me. They have no idea how heavy I am. I have watched and coached many people to fall back, but never made that emotional climb to be caught myself. In the trust fall of life I am a professional catcher and never a faller.

Its the same in life I don't fall back. I don't rely. I don't because even though they say they have me, I can't fully trust them. I can't fully just fall back and let them catch me. The crazy thing is I love people and will do anything for anyone I feel needs help and a few who probably don't, but I don't trust them. Well not completely, I am never surprised by betrayal because well I never put all of my trust in anyone. So when they betray my trust recovery is easy, because well I already went through it in my mind. I put my trust in God that he will not let me take on more than I can bear, but to trust another human being to catch me. It is hard. I want to believe and sometimes I do believe. However going all in, that isn't me.

I want to go all in. I want to be there, but its hard. I have been to so many team building retreats and everyone has some version of the trust fall. I think I have managed to not do it every single time, or maybe my mind won't let me remember the one time I fell. It is the scariest team building exercise ever. I wish I knew what made me unable to trust. I know what has perpetuated it. I know how to fake it, but the truth is to completely trust someone to be who they say they are is the scariest thing to me and the minute they show they are human I take it as a sign not to trust them. I mean I have trusted people provisionally, which means I have given them my trust but always told myself don't forget they still can hurt you. Trust is so hard for me.

I love him and I want to trust him. I want to trust him like a child who has known no heartache and an adult who has felt no pain of betrayal. I want to trust that he loves me like my heart tells me. And for the most part I do, however my head often takes me aside and says you know it makes no sense to go all in it could be devastating for you. So each day I just worry about trusting him right now. That's all I can do. It feels right to me. He feels right to me and he hasn't done anything to me for me to distrust him, but I've never fell from that platform. I wish I had. I mean I have caught plenty of people. The ones like me that refused to go, but somehow decided to try it one time. Their tears are the ones I wish I had already cried. There seem to be something so serene and joyful in their eyes, a renewal of hope, a new outlook, a belief that there are some people in the world who are indeed as trustworthy as they were. A cathartic moment in life when you truly understand TEAM!

I mean it only makes sense I can not be the only trustworthy person in the world. There have to be others like me. Right?

So each day I'm working on it, because its preventing me from living my best life. I'm climbing up to the platform. Turning away and placing my arms across my chest. I am trusting him not to hurt me intentionally. I am trusting him to love me as much as he says he does, I am trusting him with me, the little me inside that watches the big me make all the decisions. I'm not quite ready to fall back and not sure when I will be, but I'm climbing to the platform that has gotta count. Right?

Its funny the things I trusted and never doubted HR would do, he did. And I wasn't even devastated but I do think I was affected. I want so badly to fall back and let TOM A catch me and get to have that same cathartic cry of knowing it is ok to trust someone, and I think I will. I just know before I can I have to come to the realization that I trust him completely. Love, love is the easy part I can give that out all day, its the basic tenant of life for me. Loving is the easy that's a different story, but I think I'm ready to at least try. And as they say knowing is half the battle.

Be EZ,


IntrospectiveGoddess said...

Well this was very insightful, I am impressed that you were able to draw so much from June Boatwright's character when I thought she was very one dimensional....I really would have liked for them to develop her a bit more in the movie...anyway trust is a very fragile thing, I think right now I have a very hard time trusting people because when I do it has always bit me in the butt....I am much more guarded now....I really dont have to worry about someone gaining my trust in a relationship because im single but I know if I am ever in that position it will be an uphill battle....I think your apprehension is very common and I dont think you should do away with it completely its a good source of self preservation to always have the what if in the back of your mind....

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Well intro it’s a good source of preservation but when someone hasn’t done anything to not be trusted then there should be no reason you shouldn’t trust them, that is a sure fire way at self –destruction and loneliness.

I just want to just trust TOM A, I mean really if I am not afraid of what will happen and I KNOW I can survive him trusting him should come easy. And its not something that happens a lot but I just am uneasy that I’m might be preventing myself to be happy subconsciously. Its really more about really letting go of control, by not just falling into it I know I am doing my life disservice.


Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

you scared - never
u a feminist - never

i may have to go and chk out the movie ...... wel u know hope u had a great weekend scholar

but i trust my self so i trust all,k may be leary but i trust all

NoRegrets said...

I had to skip the middle couple paragraphs because I hate having movies spoiled. But I got the gist of the entry. Woman, you are wordy! ;-) I truly wish for you the ability to trust another deeply.

The thing I'm confused about is however that you say you expect people to fail. To betray the trust. And you're ok with that and can get over it because in your mind they already did that. (am I getting that right? it's hard to go back and check when comments don't come up in a new window) I guess I'm confused because it can be interpreted that you are simply accepting that people are human, and can make mistakes. And how is that a bad thing?

I've had a different approach. I used to have far fewer friends but every one of them was very carefully selected and nurtured because I was expecting them to be everything to me. Over time I realized that very few people can be everything to a person - there are strengths and weaknesses in most relationships, and it's ok to have friends who arent' everything to me.

food smells are wafting through the office and I'm hungry so now I can't think... anyway, hope it made sense.

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

@NoR you are right. The issues is there comes a point where we expecting humanity turns into expecting evil. I hope that makes sense. I try to be sensitive to my emotions and feelings I am having and to me my level of distrust, for lack of a better word, seems a bit to high.

Man, how long you been reading? I'm always wordy. I think maybe 3 to 1 in some case. *lol* Plus post like this are me working out my life and trying to separate the wheat from the chaff. Know what I mean?

I don’t expect my friends to do anything which probably can be hard. I also only have very few people I will even ask for help in a bind. Interesting, hearing your point of view expecting friends to be everything.

Yes you made complete sense.

@Torrence- I like that but i trust my self so i trust all,k may be leary but i trust all Maybe its just a healthy amount of leeriness and not distrust, because you are right I do trust myself and my judgment maybe there is nothing to be worried about. I don’t like the anxiousness I do know that!


NoRegrets said...

I've been reading you a little while, and I know you write long posts, but once in a while I just have to acknowledge it! I'm not complaining; it's just *whew*.

Is it that you don't trust people to help you as you want to be helped, and thus not perfect?

It's really hard sometimes to accept help from others, but give and take is a great thing.

Somebodies Friend said...

Tell Tom A how you feel, let him know that it not him and maybe it is something the two of you can work out together.

You are only as sick as your secrets!

Keith said...

I'm gonna quote Jermaine Jackson,
(brother of Michael and Janet)from his part in the Jackson 5 classic-
"Mama's Pearl"- "Just let yourself
go..let your lovin go..just give it
to me..cause I got what you need."

Same situation..Simple solution. I say that to say this...You have to
be willing at some time to be vulnerable, to step outside of your
strong vaneer and trust someone to have your back..Of course it's a crap shoot, of course it's dangerous..but that's the game...that's what makes it either worth while or a big mistake.
Love is like playing the lotto..You
gotta play to win.

CurvyGurl said...

I agree with Keith on this one. As much as I thought I'd never trust anyone again, I don't think I'll really know until I let someone earn it. Not to make the next guy pay for past hurts, but to gradually get know and trust someone...something I haven't excelled at in the past. I want to be loved so I don't any other way other than to allow someone in.

Big Man said...

I passed on this movie because it seemed to exceed my Magical Negro quotient. The quotient being none.

I read the book because my wife bought it a while back. The book was ok. I guess it was a little hard for me to relate too much to any of the characters. Sounded like they meant a lot to you though, and that's cool because art affects different people in different ways.

I like the caricature you have as your profile picture now. Very cute. OG appears to be a hotty.

leva said...

Hey OG!

I loved the movie. I went to see it with my other half and we both cried; I can understand you relating to June's character. Those 1st marriages do mess you up sometimes, as it did to me. I think I've let go most of the baggage from it, but not sure.

Thanks for your perspective.

The Black Barbie said...

Wow I agree with everything you're saying. My bestfriend and I talk about this kind of stuff all the time. But its funny cause we're so young and never been through it but scared for the exact same reasons you are.I know I always look at the relationships around me, my parents and my 3 older sisters and always think how I just always want something different for myself but just so afraid to try.

Smokie said...

In my opinion, when your head says stop, that's what you should listen to. Your head KNOWS when something/someone doesn't deserve your trust. On the other hand, DENIAL can make us want to ignore our sensible heads and listen, instead, to our gullible hearts. Our hearts and our emotions are not reliable. They sway with each sweet word. But our heads record with accuracy. Our heads record actions and not fleeting emotions. Our head tells us "this is worthy of my trust" or "this is not worthy of my trust". So if your head says NO, then please allow your heart to follow.

Also, God does not give us more than we can handle -- he also does not give us a mind of confusion. If God is for something and if it falls within His order, He will grant you security in that decision. You will look up and realize, "Hey, I've followed God's order and amazingly, I am at peace with this decision." ALWAYS know that when God sends a situation your way, that situation comes with security in the package. God's peace is like your "green light".

So girl, tread slowly and DON'T FALL if your head says NO.

If I may take liberty to switch up a quote from the movie Friday, "The head be letting you know... evil lurks!"

Smokie said...

You said:
@NoR you are right. The issues is there comes a point where we expecting humanity turns into expecting evil. I hope that makes sense. I try to be sensitive to my emotions and feelings I am having and to me my level of distrust, for lack of a better word, seems a bit to high.

Maybe it would help to talk to a pro (clergy, counselor) about trust issues FIRST -- before dating? Seems like some internal issues might need to be dealt with and understood before you can actually move forward, you know? As women, we can shy away from dealing with the foundation before try building a house on it that we can't afford...

Raven said...

It takes something major for me to go see a movie. I was going to wait, but you have raised my curiosity. I have heard great things about the movie; so perhaps I will get off may tail and go.

Trust is a serious thing and I think we all have every right to be picky about who we trust.

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

@Smokie- I have talked to someone before, after my divorce. I’m sure I will talk to someone again just because I believe in trying to do mental checks of myself. I'm really trying to exercise allowing myself to feel distrustful and seeing that it is me and not him. Even admitting I am distrustful. I am very much into trying to accept my emotions evaluate and then get through them but at least say them out loud instead of not acknowledging they are there or not acknowledging it I am the one. It’s very Tolle of me.

I am choosing not to assign a negative or positive feeling to my emotion but say ok OG you are feeling distrustful (not assign a value to it) and then saying how am I going to deal with the distrust because I the real me not the ego me, KNOWS it’s not warranted.

When I said that to NoR I meant that as an extreme that I didn't want my distrust to move to which was why I was writing the post in the first place. That's all. I'm nowhere near thinking any one is evil, just human. However I try to be aware enough of my emotions to know that a little bit of distrust unchecked could turn into that.

Hope that makes sense.

@all- part of writing this on the WWW is to acknowledge I am experiencing unwarranted distrust and all the thoughts and comments have helped me figure out my plan. Actually I took Somebodies Friend's advice and TOM A and I talked about it, which was the best thing for shedding light on my dark. The distrust had not manifested in our relationship, but I was definitely fearful of it because I do think this is what I want for me right now.

Anyway we talked and I told him and he reassured me and made some pretty logical observations for my head which kind of makes the distrust seem silly. So I'm good. But the ability to vent here definitely let be able to formulate my thoughts much better. He’s scared too which makes me feel better because well, we’re all in together.


Mizrepresent said...

Gurl, i haven't seen the movie, but and yet still you didn't spoil anything for me. I one of those types that can see a movie over and over again and still miss out! Now you hit the nail right on the head with those trust issues. Since i've been divorced that's been my RED flag, and sadly sometimes my saving grace. YES, i am looking to TRUST and fall, but i will at mosttime (hell, let me stop lying, ALL times ) would have conjured up a scenario in my mind that would allow me to handle whatever was dished out. Dude keeps telling me to let my guard down. I'm not saying i won't i just know that if and when i do...i am scared.

blackgirlinmaine said...

Your description of the movie actually makes me want to see it. I read the book a few months ago and was not impressed and I actually like Sue Monk Kidd's non-fiction stuff but that book just didn't do it for me.

As for you and TOM A, maybe the best thing at the moment is to just be fully present and just enjoy the moment with him. Savor the emotions but just be in this moment with it. Let the future reveal itself without any expectation. Hopefully that makes sense.

Sometimes when we think too much it gets us in trouble.

sweetpea said...

Although I am like you in the same respect that I find it hard to trust, I will play devils advocate. Do you think your lack of trust is evident to others and you aren't experiencing how great it could be if you just let go of being scared of it?

I'm notorious for running from my emotions, but I've decided to stop and face them. Head on. I believe for me to be truly happy, I have get over my trust issues... eventually. What a day that will be... The reason I think there's an issue with trust for me is that I place so much value on my emotions, they're my prized possessions because they make me feel alive. They are my strongest connection to others and yet I am aware of the sensitivity of my emotions and the potential insensitivity of others.

I need to learn to transfer the worth of my emotions to something else, maybe. See, now u got me thinking lol. Thanks!!!

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