So, today I went to see The Secret Lives of Bee's. It was a hard decision between this and W and I decided that real world politics was enough for me after watching McCaint on Meet the Press. So I opted to see something about women. Bee's is a story...well I am sure you probably kinda know the story but if you don't here's a brief description. Anyway I went because I consider myself a feminist, well actually a black feminist. When I was in college many moons ago I spent all kinds of time studying and reading about women, mostly black women. I managed to take every English course offered about black female authors that was offered during my time in college. I also manage to take every course about blacks in america as well. As a matter of fact if I had put in a few more hours I would have gotten a dual degree in Women's Studies and English. However that's not what I'm talking about today.
First things first, this movie made me cry, not for the usual reasons or the reasons that others may have been crying, I mean its a heart tugger anytime you talk about civil rights, freedom, and learning about love you got a heart tugger. The movie made me cry because my connection to June Boatwright, Alicia Keys character. I'm trying to tell you why with out spoiling the movie and well I'm going to try my best, but please accept my apologies for any spoilers and please feel free to leave now and comeback and read this after you have seen the movie.
June struck me because June was in love in this movie with a man, a man she refused to marry and a man who refused to stop asking her to marry him. You see it was something about the Boatwright sisters that made them believe that marriage compromised their independence. As a divorcee I have to say I agree, based on my first marriage. I remember feeling suffocated by my marriage, changed, and to some degree shackled. Not free. What I didn't get until later is that it wasn't marriage but it was the clash of personality types in my marriage that made me feel that way. I think my ex expected me to become dependent on him, and well that just isn't who I am or was or ever will be. I need to be a solid contributor to any partnership I'm in. Well any meaningful realtionship in my life.
I mean there is something to be said to a man wanting to marry you and perusing that relentlessly, but there is also something to be said to being true to yourself. You see in my case marrying him (HR) was not being true to myself. In June's case not marrying him was not being true to herself. It was much easier for June to say no and much easier for me to say yes.
Even now I have extreme anxiety about marriage. The other day someone mistakenly referred to TOM A as my husband and I got this OVERWHELMING feeling of anxiousness. I mean its crazy. And soon as I got it I said [goverment name], why does marriage make you so anxious and uneasy.
I know I love him, but I don't think MARRY him and I think I am ok with a title-but I'm not sure. Whats the matter with just enjoying each other why we gotta label it, labels don't gaurantee shyt in my book. I had the CoCo Chanel of labels as a wife and I might as well have been some chick he just met last week. I guess I think MARRYING makes things messy. I don't know, I feel like June can't we just be. You know BE in love, BE together, BE there for one another, BE trustworthy, BE lovers, BE until we no longer are. I know lots of be's and most of them don't live a secret life.
Maybe its because I realize marriage offers no real security, for when it doesn't work it is time to go. I am one of those folks, selfish some would say. Not interested in sticking it out for the marriage or the kids, knowing when the worse is far to worse. Then again I think maybe with the right man there would be sticking it out, but to me marriage wouldn't make that kind of stick to it ness materialize. The one thing I have realized in relationships either you are in them or you are not and doesn't really matter what you call them. Either you are willing to go through the worse or you aren't and a title, child, or piece of paper will not change that. Your heart determines if you are all in. I guess that's why its best to be all in with someone way before you marry them, although being married to them ain't no automatic all in. Having his baby ain't no automatic all in. The all in has to come first.
You are or you aren't, all in. Maybe that's what soulmates is about the ability to go all in, despite your deepest and darkest fears of what will happen. I don't know. I just know what I feel when I feel it. I'm scared. I'm like June, I like to be in control of my emotions. Love doesn't allow that. I'm scared, but not fearful. To me, fear prevents you from doing. Being scared is what lets you know you are taking a risk. Being scared is just an emotion. Fear is often prevention of emotions. I'm scared.
I don't know how to be vulnerable. I don't know how to be weak. The thing is, those are things that you don't have to know how to be, you just are. Being in love is the biggest trust fall you can ever have. And the thing is the more you love the higher the platform you are falling from gets. You know the platform you stand on before you fall back and let your friends catch you. Man that trust fall got me every time in those team building retreats.
I'm scared to trust other people to have my back. I am scared to trust other people to catch me as I blindly fall back seeing them there waiting to catch me. Hearing them say just fall we got you. I am too busy thinking they can't hold me. They have no idea how heavy I am. I have watched and coached many people to fall back, but never made that emotional climb to be caught myself. In the trust fall of life I am a professional catcher and never a faller.
Its the same in life I don't fall back. I don't rely. I don't because even though they say they have me, I can't fully trust them. I can't fully just fall back and let them catch me. The crazy thing is I love people and will do anything for anyone I feel needs help and a few who probably don't, but I don't trust them. Well not completely, I am never surprised by betrayal because well I never put all of my trust in anyone. So when they betray my trust recovery is easy, because well I already went through it in my mind. I put my trust in God that he will not let me take on more than I can bear, but to trust another human being to catch me. It is hard. I want to believe and sometimes I do believe. However going all in, that isn't me.
I want to go all in. I want to be there, but its hard. I have been to so many team building retreats and everyone has some version of the trust fall. I think I have managed to not do it every single time, or maybe my mind won't let me remember the one time I fell. It is the scariest team building exercise ever. I wish I knew what made me unable to trust. I know what has perpetuated it. I know how to fake it, but the truth is to completely trust someone to be who they say they are is the scariest thing to me and the minute they show they are human I take it as a sign not to trust them. I mean I have trusted people provisionally, which means I have given them my trust but always told myself don't forget they still can hurt you. Trust is so hard for me.
I love him and I want to trust him. I want to trust him like a child who has known no heartache and an adult who has felt no pain of betrayal. I want to trust that he loves me like my heart tells me. And for the most part I do, however my head often takes me aside and says you know it makes no sense to go all in it could be devastating for you. So each day I just worry about trusting him right now. That's all I can do. It feels right to me. He feels right to me and he hasn't done anything to me for me to distrust him, but I've never fell from that platform. I wish I had. I mean I have caught plenty of people. The ones like me that refused to go, but somehow decided to try it one time. Their tears are the ones I wish I had already cried. There seem to be something so serene and joyful in their eyes, a renewal of hope, a new outlook, a belief that there are some people in the world who are indeed as trustworthy as they were. A cathartic moment in life when you truly understand TEAM!
I mean it only makes sense I can not be the only trustworthy person in the world. There have to be others like me. Right?
So each day I'm working on it, because its preventing me from living my best life. I'm climbing up to the platform. Turning away and placing my arms across my chest. I am trusting him not to hurt me intentionally. I am trusting him to love me as much as he says he does, I am trusting him with me, the little me inside that watches the big me make all the decisions. I'm not quite ready to fall back and not sure when I will be, but I'm climbing to the platform that has gotta count. Right?
Its funny the things I trusted and never doubted HR would do, he did. And I wasn't even devastated but I do think I was affected. I want so badly to fall back and let TOM A catch me and get to have that same cathartic cry of knowing it is ok to trust someone, and I think I will. I just know before I can I have to come to the realization that I trust him completely. Love, love is the easy part I can give that out all day, its the basic tenant of life for me. Loving is the easy part...trust...well that's a different story, but I think I'm ready to at least try. And as they say knowing is half the battle.