Thursday, October 23, 2008

A Glamazon Glimpse


And happiness in the face of horrible is not the goal. Feeling the horrible stuff and knowing that you’re not gonna die from the feelings? That’s goal.

- Dr Wyatt, Grey’s Anatomy


Can I share a secret with y’all? No not THAT secret, it’s not time to unveil THAT secret yet. This one may or may not be a secret or good secret worth sharing to y’all, but I just feel like sharing today. I do. My secret is I truly and honestly believe that my steps are ordered. I guess I have always believed this or been instilled with my life being part of God’s bigger picture, but honestly most of my life I was just living. In these last 8 months I have never felt more connected and directed and clear headed about my life and my love. Things have happened to me and fit together like a perfect puzzle. Sometimes I feel like the favor on my head is just that God’s favor nothing more, nothing less can explain the many blessings I have received. The way doors have opened and things have moved around in my life.

Actually, when I really look at my whole life I have always had His favor even when I didn’t deserve it. Thank God for grace. I think the things I have learned and faced in my life in the last 4 years have prepared me for being happy- no joyful. For happiness is fleeting but joy is eternal. I have been through some extremely dark times. I have felt like a misfit, I have felt like I would never find someone who got me, I have felt like a third wheel, I have been blindsided with betrayal by people I thought of as family, I have lived, learned, and loved in a different city and in MY CITY, I have listened to prison songs and watch freedom ring, I have been exposed to a bigger world and now want to see more… be more…do more… change the game. Change my game. DO ME on a whole other level. I want to create and give and love and progress and move forward and twirl around on a mountain top like Julie Andrews or even elevate with an umbrella...ella ella...ella...aye...aye...aye! A spoon full of sugar baby!!

I have – no I am loving, despite my fear of horrible things that happen when you open yourself up to being loved. I have realized that I will survive, so worrying about not surviving is not an option. I am in a place where my joy can not be taken or stolen or even borrowed. I have learned to live in my moment and know that joy does truly come in the morning and more importantly joy never really leaves sometimes you just have to be still to find it nestled deep in the darkest corners of your heart.

I have experienced something real. When I reflect back…when I look back at my life, I am in awe of the story that is being written for me and forever thankful to the Author and Finisher. Maybe one day I will retell it in sequential order. I will chronicle this, but the thing is I don’t think I am even anywhere near the climax of my plot. Higher...Higher...Higher! Sometimes I sit and cry tears of joy and thanks when I think of all the things God has taught me and showed me through living life. My experiences have been some of the most humbling and who I am now is a much better woman because of all the horrible things I have survived and all the beautiful blessings I have received.

The One, I’m not sure if he exists, but I am happy that he is here. I am glad that he speaks in terms of us and is honest, even when it would be easier to be dishonest. I am glad he understands that I don’t know how to be vulnerable and sometimes I retract and run or shut it down on him completely. He is patient with me, even when I'm not patient with myself. I am so happy that he provides a safe place for me to grow and learn in this relationship. Everything about us is DIFFERENT from anyone I have been with but EVERYTHING feels right. And when I tell you I am scared of losing this I am SO FOR REAL. And when I tell you that if ended tomorrow I’d be heartbroken and devastated I am SO FOR REAL. And when I tell you that I know I would be ok and life would go on if it did end I am SO FOR REAL.

But when I tell you, I have no idea what I will do if this is my ever after, after all what I have right now is not what little girls dream about. They dream about the life I had before. The big fairy tale weddings and husbands who worship you and buy you things including the diamond encrusted pedestal they put you on.


I’m a planner and I am living a life and a relationship that barely has an outline, not the detail I'm use to. And I am happy. I am happy. I never knew letting go and taking the risk would feel like this. I never realized how much I tried to contrive my happiness to match what I thought was happiness.


And I am happy being who I am. And surprisingly I am LOVED being me. Not who someone thinks I am or expects me to be, because of things that are external to me, but LOVES me despite all the flaws I grapple with everyday. It really is a beautiful thing! Being comfortable in my skin and being loved because of my soul, not because of the thngs that crumble or fade. I've never wanted to take a risk like this and my head says this time next year, hell next week...next month... it may all be different, but I'll be damn if I forget THIS feeling right here.

Be EZ,
OG



To be willing to stand in your truth, stand in your vulnerability, stand in your fear, stand at your breaking point and hold on to yourself – that’s what matters. And that’s what surprises Meredith. She’s shocked that she’s allowed to be herself and someone loves her anyway.
-Krista Vernoff, Writer, Grey’s Anatomy

14 comments:

NoRegrets said...

How powerful. And I need to read it several times more. I guess you've learned to love and accept yourself since that's the only way you can let someone else do it. I hope to someday get to your space.

And really, there are a lot of quotable quotes on Gray's Anatomy. It's kinda amazing. It makes me laugh out loud and cry. Not all at the same time.

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Seriously!?! *wink*

-OG

CurvyGurl said...

Amen, sis! Your insight is right on time. I ran across this post (http://www.successful-blog.com/1/the-top-10-ways-to-start-living-your-life/) earlier today and started thinking about the importance of living life instead of letting it just happen. I never want to live a woulda, coulda, shoulda life so it's time for some action :).

Much love!

Keith said...

I should have read this before I wrote the post on my blog today.I might have felt better and I might not have left myself open to be misunderstood.

Sometimes I feel as though I have gotten to that place of peace you were talking about and then there was yesterday when I was slightly envious of someone else's success and sat down and wrote my current post.

I say that to say..Even if you don't go where you meant to go..
you have to learn to be happy and content with where life has taken you and where you are.

Keith said...

Oh, did I tell you...This was a great post?? As always,it was very inspiring...Love you gurlll!!!lol

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

@CG- I have to say I agree with that article in its entirety and remember a time when I didn’t live like that and I can’t believe I thought I was happy back then, because in comparison I have more happiness in my left pinky toe today then I did back then. *lol* Thanks for sharing.

@Keith- Yeah even though I am not doing what I (thought) I wanted to do, there is no doubt THIS is how I should be living my life. So many people get caught in the woulda coulda, shouldas. Goals are meant to guide not define your life, sometimes things change sometimes we find new loves and inspirations and some things stay constant. I love living life expecting nothing and being awake. If I could give this [my attitude] as a gift I would I deal with what life offers me each day and go for there and for the most part it really has been working for me. I don’t sweat the small stuff. I don’t let small people, things and situations upset my BIG picture and I just enjoy people for what we have today. I like it. And now that I feel loved. MAAAAAAAAAAAN can’t tell me nothing. *lol*

Thanks for the props! Much appreciated.

-OG

Mizrepresent said...

Gurl, you are my SHE-RO! Thank you so much for sharing this. I needed to hear this, moreso today than any other day!

SLC said...

OG I know you didn't write this for me, but thanks just the same for the boost. Sometimes things are soooo much better than I realize.
Now I'm headed over to Grey Matter (http://www.greyswriters.com/) for some more Grey's Anatomy talk.
Peace
SLC

Raven said...

Wow...when I read it I felt like it was supposed to be heard at an open mic instead of me reading it. It is amazing how so many different people at different places in their lives can relate on so many different things. You spoke to many with this. Superb!!!

Diana Boss said...

I love that you are so happy! It was so important what you said about remembering this feeling. Because there will be rough patches but during them you need to pull from this feeling. Use it like a rainy day fund. That's what keeps relationships together and strong!

Somebodies Friend said...

Outstanding post, I am sooo feeling this one!

The key word is feeling, I have learned to feel in the last year, and to let you into my life.

Before I learned how to feel, my whole life felt like I was in the void! Feelingless, faceless, emotionless... existing but not really living, nobody showed me how to do these things... These emotional things.

I am alive! It took dying inside to become alive inside, before I was alive, but... dead inside...

I will never know death again, and niether will you.

I love you!

(this is to a friend)

Sister Girl said...

For once since knowing you, I'm speechless !

When you are "connected" like that, it's breathtaking to find the two of you naturally swirling like a feather in a windstorm. It's a thing called romance & I'm determined(God be willing)to remain open hearted for mine too !

T.

The Black Kat said...

Wow! Powerful post! The tears were welling up in my eyes, reading it. Guess I needed to read it. =o) My favorite part (not that I should really have a favorite part, as I enjoyed the entire read): "I have experienced something real. When I reflect back…when I look back at my life, I am in awe of the story that is being written for me and forever thankful to the Author and Finisher. Maybe one day I will retell it in sequential order. I will chronicle this, but the thing is I don’t think I am even anywhere near the climax of my plot. Higher...Higher...Higher! Sometimes I sit and cry tears of joy and thanks when I think of all the things God has taught me and showed me through living life. My experiences have been some of the most humbling and who I am now is a much better woman because of all the horrible things I have survived and all the beautiful blessings I have received."

Thanks for sharing. You have a new reader.

ZACK said...

I was inspired by this note!
And I like your new profile thumbnail. Nice caricature! :)