Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Checkin It Twice

When I was young my standards about a man were OOOOOh so different. Then I married someone who had a majority of the things OG’s perfect mate list.

What I didn’t realize that most of those things were NOT as important as I thought. Actually I realized that my list was not really my list, but a list of what I thought women in general wanted. My list was built on the surface things that keep relationships from falling into despair. What I didn’t realize is that all relationships will fall into hard times and when the times are emotionally hard a man’s degree, bank account, car(s), investment portfolio or gainful employment doesn't really matter.

The truth is, it is often the loss of one of those things on the list that sends the relationship into the emotional recession. That is what it was for me, my ex husband lost part of his business and his income was reduced and so was his self- esteem and who he projected to be, mostly because who he thought he was was all tied up in being a card carrying member of a good man on paper club. Anyway…my marriage and divorce told me something I have known since I was girl, go back to the basics.

A man's character and integrity is not determined by what he has, who he is, or what he looks like. Actually his character often determines his success in those things.
I realized I was not a woman who needed security provided for me, not that there is anything wrong with a man providing a woman with security. I just happen to be very good at taking care of myself. All I really need in that aspect is for you to take care of yourself.

I’m not a list maker but the following list was off the top of my head after reading -1- ‘s post about what she wanted. Really the only thing I really need from a man is to be able to be me. I know that sounds crazy but I feel like I am a fiery ball of contradiction, and for many men it’s been very hard for them to reconcile the part of me they identify with to the part of me that is often contradictory to who I SHOULD be based on who they know.

I need a man who understands how I can read Cornell West and listen to TI. Who really thinks within the historical context of the question What Would Jesus Do? For example, Jesus would side with those who the world tries to outcast today (today’s L, B, T, and G community is nothing more than our modern day lepers as far as how some treat them and as far, as I am concerned, they should be embraced by Christians the same way Jesus embraced the lepers and others outside of mainstream Judaism). I need a man who can understand that under the flyyyyest Chinese Remy light yaki textured lace front is a beautiful head of kinks and curls that I just might sport on the weekend or even the next day and because I love GLAMOUR doesn’t mean I don’t love me in the raw (no make-up , no-hair, a heavily conditioned pony tail, sweats, and flip flops) .

A man who is secure enough not to mind when I ask him questions about his decisions, and knows the difference between question asking and people questioning him. A man who can love a chick who can understand complex theories and stances on being black while chillin’ in the cut, a chick who can watch I Love New York, and discuss how hip-hop has completely tinged a great deal of female ambition with sexuality.

So with out further adieu here is the list I came up straight off the dome.

A man who loves God
A man who understands Jesus
A man who is ambitious
A man who is smart
A man who thinks
A man who does what he says
A man who means what he says
A man with integrity
A man who leaves no doubt in my mind he loves me
A man who can take care of himself
A man who can lead me with out me feeling like a child or a sheep
A man who respects me as an equal and loves my strength
A man who lives his life consciously and is in the present (not driven by his past or limiting his future)
A man who views life as one big BALL of possibility
A man who LOVES me unconditionally and I can love unconditionally

I’m sure I forgot a few, but I really don’t make lists these days.

Be EZ,

TOM A in 3 days!! Talk about excited!!


Keith said...

That's a pretty good list and not
too much to ask for. Nowhere in the
list is must have bangin 401K,
Drive only the illest up to date Benz, Own 9 houses(Had to throw a little John McCain jokey joke in there-lololol)and be a lion in the bedroom. (Although that was probably one you left off the list-lol) Seriously speaking, you listed things that have to do with charactor. You see now that charactor is important. Homes get repossesed, Homes burn down, Cars get stolen, cars depreciate, Clothes go out of style, Money comes, money goes...but in the end...Charactor ,Sense of Self, Integrity is all that you have that can't be taken away. You've come to a wisdom and understanding that some women ten years older than you haven't come to yet. Great Post.

SaneAndSingle said...

I with you on this! I need a man who can understand me, or at least just accept me for my quirkiness. Like you, I am a big ball of contradiction, and it often confuses men.

blackgirlinmaine said...

I like your list. I think where so many women go wrong is having a list of what they want in man not realizing that most of those things are surface things that can be gone in a hearbeat.

Relationships and marriage are work as I am still learning 11 years into mine. Its easy to be happy when money is good and life is going well. The true test though is when you face the challenges and as I am living right now can still be relatively happy together when the highlight becomes a shared meal at McD's or something like that. When you can laugh together despite the fact you have bill collectors calling up without turning on one another.

I think if more women thought this way, there list of what they want in a man would be vastly difference. Plus you cannot discount the fact that as you grow old together, you change and its important to have a mate that can roll with the changes.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

sounds like an exceptional list to me
dont know how many are me but i am what and who i am and take comfort in that

SLC said...

I found you through Keith's sight and I'm so glad I did. I know a few men and women that could use this list to refine their own. 2 years into my marriage and 8 weeks before my first child was born I was fired. We had to limit ourselves to $20.00 worth of Christmas presents for each other, and forget about everybody else. It was one of the nicest Christmas seasons I'd ever had. Now 13 years married and four kids we're still trying to keep it as simple in plenty as we do in lack.

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hello there!

This is interesting... I am not married...haven't been interested in marriage for as long as I can remember...

My ex tells me that I don't want to be ANYBODY'S wife!! I wrote a post about that! *LOL*

But really...it is not true...I would get married if a man came along who was the person God told me was to become my husband.

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!



It's also a wonderful idea to teach children that celebrating the birth of Christ does not have to involve gifts at all...it can be a day of giving your possessions AWAY to those in need instead of buying anything...

NoRegrets said...

I made a list way back when also, and that's what got me married, because he made the list - everything on the list. But, there are things that can't be listed. Can barely be defined.

Mizrepresent said...

I'm with you on that list. I want a man that will be down for me, but not so down that he won't stand up to me...well, that's just one of many...a man with

loves truly
loves God
loves me

the shortlist

Chi-Chi said...

Excellent post.

You said "Really the only thing I really need from a man is to be able to be me."

And the longer I am married, the more I realize this is indeed all I need even thought I too had a super long list. I need to be afforded the space to grow and change and I'm willing to give my man that space too. Thankfully, I've found such a guy. Not really sure how I swung that but I'm so grateful that I did because when I got married, I didn't realize *at all* just how important it was.

P.S. I enjoy your blog! :)

crys said...

you forgot hips - or is that something that was on the first list, that has been left off of the revised list ON PURPOSE

CurvyGurl said...

Amen, sis! The core values are so very important. I think it takes a certain level of maturity for it to finally sink in. I'm working on being clear about what I want and being able to convey it as well. Great, thought-provoking post!

n0days0ff said...

I hate to sound all cliche but sometimes you gotta lose everything to see what you had.me and my girl are at a point right now where we were stripped down to the core and we liked what we saw and realized we were pretty lucky.not everyone passes that test.thank god we did

Reiko! said...

Wow..All I can say is...YOU STOLE MY LIST!

I love this post and it makes me challenge who I am and what I THINK I want too:)