Monday, December 5, 2011

Please hand me my protection...

I have NEVER wanted so badly in my life to trust someone…. and despite my attempts the universe tells me… no.  I mean I don’t know what else to do.  If you can’t trust someone you never can really love that person because well how can you love someone and trust them with your heart if you can’t TRUST them period…. This week was suppose to be one FILLED with excitement and I woke up this morning with it filled with mostly dread.  You feel people move away but try to hold on and it’s kinda selfish. Then one of your friends (who NEVER offers his opinion on anyone) tells you out of the blue the best person ever for you was your ex.  The ex that’s been calling you and asking you to rethink your decisions about being done done and  even tho yall have never been done done before you are SOOO sure its DONE.   SIGH (and his sister called yesterday too)

My eyes are watery but really I don’t believe and every time I trust something floats by and shows me that maybe I need to reevaluate. After all I’ve lived a life of men not knowing and coming back after I am moved on, why should that change now?  I guess it’s the reality with being ok to leave and be alone when they just don’t know… but I made this silly promise. 

The thing is I’m a realist. I know shine wears off when they don’t even hear you when you speak one on one let alone among the voices of many anymore… remember when you usta be their favorite new shiny toy. When they use to pay attention to you, now you seem almost like a burden an after thought an obligation.   

I liked my life in my armor tho…it’s much much easier there. I know why I never come out of it tho… I mean its human nature, who wants to live a life of being open to being hurt when they can protect themselves… It’s like choosing to ride a motorcycle with out a helmet, but people do that all the time… it only works out well when the wind gets to whip thru your hair.  The minute you hit a bump in the road you suddenly remember that you are FUCKED (and doesn’t matter how good that carefree wind in your hair felt) if you fly off the sucker…suddenly  the idea of your unprotected head smashing to pieces because its not protected comes flooding to your remembrance… Yeah where’s my armor?  I really think I need it back

I’m not sure its worth all this…

Be EZ,

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Love is MY Battlefield

“No matter who you love it is so simple a feeling, but it’s everything”

Unlike many women, I am not in love with love.  The sad fact is love and I have a complicated relationship, it’s mostly one where I spend most of my time fighting it and its affects on me.   You see somewhere I developed this view of loving as being something for the weak.  I mean I get why, for someone like me who has decided that showing any piece of vulnerability is how you get got, it only makes sense that being in love (one of the MOST vulnerable positions in life) would be at the top of my “Don’t Try This At Home” list.

I asked myself, “How did I get here?”  I mean in a world where so many women are in love with love how did I become so distrusting of it and what it does to me.  Why have I never willingly just dove headfirst into the waters of Lake Minnetonka? As long as I can remember I have never been a fan of love, at most I’ve been Luke warm. Long before a boy ever broke my heart or a man ever disappointed me, I just never got it.  I was never love crazy.  

I remember being young and pretending to be powerful business woman when I whipped my terry cloth hair back and forth around my room.  I can’t remember ever pretending to be or wanting to be a bride as a girl… As a teenager I remember saying that if I ever felt the need to get married I would probably just have a big birthday party because that was easier and their was no commitment to be some mans chattel post wedding. ( feminist teenage me was so NOT down with being held down by a man).  I don’t know where the notion came from but for most of my life I equated loving a man with being a wimp.  There’s no thugging in loving, and well Imma thug!

Even in the times that I have had a man, I was never been  in love enough to do stupid teenage girl in love things. As I got older and eventually fell in love it was such an anti-climatic thing.  I suspect I fell in love with my first love before I ever even knew it or said it.  We didn’t start traditionally, he also allowed me to express my love from him with out any of that sappy girl drollness. We were best friends and still remain good friends today in that always keeping tabs on you ex kinda way.   When it came to love, I was practical in expression and decisions.  I never did those silly things …like my friends.  Except I did, I just didn’t do them with the same sappy flair, in hindsight.

So the biggest battle in my life these days has been learning to let go and let God when it comes to love. After years of living and many therapy sessions, I have realized that loving someone without abandon isn’t so bad. The problem is I’ve only been able to allow myself to do this for small stints. There is a constant battle within me that won’t let me just love without protecting myself from being in love.  I don’t know why, but being in love, like all in, blindly trust you with my heart love is something that I fear. There is no control in being in love like that… and as someone who feels the need to be in control of her person at time, the idea of not being able to control HOW I feel is just….

You see fear is not my thing so rather than face this fear I just pretend it doesn’t exist. The problem is love doesn’t go away when ignored. I mean sometimes I want to love… sometimes I revel in the pureness and beauty of it, but then while I’m there in that feeling the fear of losing it snaps me back to a place I can control.

“I don’t know much about fighting but I, I know I will fight for you Hey! Just when I ball up my fist I realize I’m lying right next to you”

I don’t know I’ve never wanted something so much but so little at the same time as I have than to be able to love. I mean I realize that love and the state of love makes me a much better woman. I attribute that to my knowledge that (wo)man was not meant to alone and the fact I have let love win this battle a time or two. Love softens my edges, as my Auntie Linda said to me a long time ago.  The problem for me is that I love so hard that I need to be sure…actually surer than sure…I know that’s not the point. And I’m working on just letting go, but it really is such a battle for me.  The battle to trust some one with your heart knowing that at some point they will disappoint you, and I don’t say that from a love hater point of view but a pragmatic one. It’s only human that you will disappoint people in life even those you love and don’t want to disappoint. But I’m realizing its more about how you recover from it…that’s the key.

I don’t know I just don’t ever want to become bitter and so many times I see the loss of love do that to people. I just want to love with no abandon ACTIVELY and presently.  And to be happy about that choice, instead of worrying how I would recover. To be in love is an action, not merely a state of being. This love struggle is not new from me; I remember the last time I was here and made the decision to just do it. It really was one of the happiest times in my life.

My only prayer is that if I do this… it turns out differently than the last time. Amen

Be EZ,

Monday, November 14, 2011

Hi blogsphere

I told myself I need to write more...I haven't. I've started lots of post and made some journal entries but really I have not been writing and to be honest I'm starting to grow tired of it but I also know its my cycle. Sometimes I don't write cause I have absolutely nothing to say not in this forum.  Last time I wrote prolifically on here it was because I was still settling into who I was and working it all out on paper... these days I know who I am or I am comfortable becoming the ever evolving me.   Anyway, I think I'm gonna start trying to come back here ...after all this is really my home away from home...

The think I've been  struggling with about myself lately is a thing that I just don't want to think about but well I need too.... but I think I may need to prep y'all before I get there... actually I need to prep me... so let me go thru some things and hopefully I'll be back with a few post.

Be EZ,

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Smile Because It Happened

I woke up this morning to the Today show, like I do every workday morning, playing on TV. Apparently watching the Today show is something only old broads do, as I was informed last night. The youth of America says young chicks don't watch the Today Show. Anyway, the cast of Entourage was on this morning and a tweet of Jeremy Piven's was mentioned by Matt. Piven said David Nutter told him when they finished shooting the last show Don't be sad that its over... smile because it happened. Of course it struck a chord in me cause that's how I like to live life and its often how I deal with death.

When my dad died I was relieved because I knew he had been very sick and struggling with so many health issues. I also counted myself lucky to even to ever have had him in my life at all...same when I lost my cousin at the hands of his own step-father and the same when I lost a cousin who outlived his life prognosis by 30 years... I never saw it as a loss I saw it as a gift of presence. All three of those lives impacted my life way more than the fleeting moment of their deaths.

Funny it seems that I only get that peace and calm when death passes...when my marriage ended (a death also for me)...My ex said he wished he never met me but I said I'm glad I did because I had to go thru that to make me who I am today...So why I was devastated with my failure I also smiled because being married grew me & taught me so much about who I was and who I thought I was and who I wanted to be. When I think about the many things I have lost (tiny deaths of people, places, and things) I smile...because I'm happy they happened.

It's funny I am way more accepting when things happen than the thought of them happening. I think the fear of losing is far greater than the actual loss and sometimes we are so wrapped up in not letting go of something that is over that we lose sight of all the great things around us. Some of us are so entangled in fighting for something that isn't gonna be, we wake up and realize we have missed the reasons to smile & enjoy what we have in front of us (or sadly had because sometimes we runoff the things we need chasing the things that aren't for us). This whole experience is surreal tho because I can see me in it but its not my thing.

I don't know its weird...I've never really experienced someone fighting for something that is done outside myself before... its frustrating, to say the least. Its tiring to watch people expend energy on people, places, and things that, well for a lack of a better phrase, they are too good for. I remember having a conversation with Mandy once about someone and she said "I know you love him but you are way too special of a person to be trying to get someone to love you. You're a great woman and no convincing is necessary" Of course that went in one ear and out the other with a ton of excuses of why he wasn't able to love me... but really she was right. You can't convince someone you are the right choice, especially if they have already made another choice. Unfortunately, that's a lesson that has to be learned no one can tell you. Some people learn it with out creating further messes others learn after they have created a cacophony of catastrophes.

The problem is that death of a relationship feels like always play shit back and wonder if you would have did this and not that would your present not be this? The problem is hindsight is 20/20 and sometimes our future is not intended to be what we dreamed.

Ten years ago I was happily married (or so I felt I was) with a husband that adored me. If you asked me then what my future was gonna be I would have told you in 10 years I expected to be a mom, have my MBA, and be a master of work/life balance. In reality 10 years later I am not a mom nor do I have my MBA yet and I still seek work/life balance.

But I have a way more than that, I have complete peace in who I am and who I may become. I feel like our actual reality is far better than what we dream our future will be, but somehow we convince ourselves that fighting for a future that hasn't materialized is the best way to spend life instead of participating in the life that is unfolding in front of us.

If you ask me today where I will be in 10 years I won't answer with goals or accomplishments (I mean I have them and I know I will have met many of them, I'm me.) What I will answer is in 10 years I will be happy and at peace with who and what I am. Which is my present state. My world will have changed around me and even my priorities but I will remain constant in the peace that is me.

In 10 years I will smile because my life has happened and wont be sad for the things in my life that are no longer. It's something I think we all should try.

Be EZ,

Side note: Ari is my favorite character... I LOVE Ari Gold and everything about him... a man with hustle just makes me weak weak weak in the knees.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Checkin-In.... Checkin-Out

“I trust in Love's timing and give it room for it to grow in all my relationships.” -somebody with good sense

This is my home… I haven’t really been back here much mostly because sometimes you gotta wonder and wander around the wilderness.  I’m in a real weird space right now and here is definitely where I come to work that kinda thing out.  Right now… I have a lot of feelings swirling and a lot of questions… sometimes I just want to know why? And I already know there isn’t an answer.  Things happen because they are suppose to... that’s the answer.

To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven.

I know my ego is angry, angry cause it feels set up, it feels like it fell for the banana in the tail pipe, like I got set up as prey for sport and not prey for actual use.  Some hunters just like sport hunting they have no intent of using the animal they catch for food, clothing, or tools. They just wanna see if they can catch it, kill it, conquer it.  Beat on their hunter’s chest & collect the trophy of the big cat.  Maybe stuff it & put it on the wall if it’s impressive enough or just take a few pictures… I’ve always wondered if fish swam the same after being thrown back always seemed silly to me to hunt for anything other than need, not really fair.  But life isn’t fair…its life.  Shit happens.  It all works together for the good.

The universe moves people around and puts them in your path it’s really your choice how you process the placement.  Funny sometimes you feel like the universe moves all kinds of thing around to clear a path to you and people still go the other way. It’s a hard position to be in but I think its one we’ve all been in, it feels like being on the wrong side of right, if that makes sense.  I don’t even know what that means. I just have a lot of stuff inside that needs to come out before my head explodes or worse I give up. 

I promised myself after TOM A  I wouldn’t blame myself for the decisions made by others that despite my efforts and who I am as a person the heart wants what the heart wants… I mean, I definitely refuse to settle so I would never want anyone to settle for me in any way shape or form.

So looking for that link to all my TOM A post I ran across one on trust… that was interesting. Cause he’s gone now and back then I struggled so much with just trusting & I was afraid of exactly what would happen if I trusted him with my heart and he was careless with my feelings I was scared but I also felt it was worth the risk.  So being on the other side of that fear and realizing that I survived reminded me I’m strong. I don’t feel that strong today other S words come to mind silly, sick to my stomach, stupid, single, sad, selfless, somber…and Imma leave it at this today…and just remember I’m strong.

Be EZ,

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Tipping Point

"Nobody’s life is entirely free of pain and sorrow. Isn’t it a question of learning to live with them rather than trying to avoid them?

The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.

The pain that you create now is always some form of nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is. On the level of thought, the resistance is some form of judgment. On the emotional level, it is some form of negativity. The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment, and this in turn depends on how strongly you are identified with your mind
 Tolle, The Power of Now 

I'm not a scary person...I really believe I was never promised the spirit of fear so its not something that I'm really familiar with. I'm not use to it. I don't know what to do when it shows up. So I generally just retreat. When faced with fear of what not (or maybe what will be) I rather just prepare myself for the worst. I gotta stop it I don't think its what I should do.

I'm at a tipping point where I gotta just trust in what I have learned about myself and do something different. I gotta realize what I have done in the past has some flaws. The plan needs to be tweaked.  This is the hardest point where you make the choice do something differently than you have your whole life. Its hard tho. Real hard. But I keep telling myself that I"m not insane. (Insanity is repeating the same actions & expecting different results). If I want a different result, a better result, the desired result, I gotta do something different. And I gotta face my fear. Cause fear really isn't an option I gotta trust my gut and go.... I cant be afraid of something that hasn't happed I gotta live in the now. *Zen stance* *deep breathe*

"Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be" -Tolle, The Power of Now 

Be EZ,

Monday, May 2, 2011

Ding Dong That Dude Is Dead

I totally get this. I totally understand WHY we are out in the streets celebrating the death of a man who made it HIS life mission to eradicate everything American on this earth.  I do. I’ve seen the footage of him & his minions (and other American haters) celebrating the deaths of thousands of Americans & American supporters as a result of their Unholy Holy War. (I wish I knew why it’s always some crazy niggas in every religion that try to put this bullshit on God, but yanno that’s not for me to understand. So I don’t).  I get that this is finally the payback that Americans have been looking for and I understand all that. I support all that. I think all that is great if it works for you.  I get that most people are celebrating America more than they are celebrating the loss of life… I get that… I get that… I get that…

However while I am pleased that justice has been served, that we finally located, trapped, and killed the devil we help create.  I am conflicted at joyously dancing & celebrating in the streets.  I’m talmbout ME not you and what you do.  Cause if you are happy and you are celebrating and you don’t have any conflicts about the death of Osama bin Laden, public enemy number one, I’m really happy for you. Actually I’m elated for you. 

Me…I’m just not built that way… I’m more gray than I am black & white. I’m more empathetic, even to monsters.  I value the lives of all human beings, as they were created by the same hand that created me, even if those human beings are pure unadulterated evil. I think that’s why I have a hard time cheering for any loss of life.  I mean shit even Jehovah frowned when he cast Lucifer to the earth out of heaven. Well, I think God is always sad when our free will leads us away from him, but that’s just how I see Him… I don’t want to debate theology here, I'm just sharing my thoughts.    I mean after all when a nigga makes the wrong choice, I mourn for his life a little cause I know its not gonna turn out well…

Anyway, I am pleased that so many people and our country can have some kinda closure… I guess this goes in the W column for America and Obama, but I just feel some kind way about me cheering about it or feeling some type of vindication because in the end life has been lost, even if that life was one that bought nothing but destruction and mayhem… See conflicted as a mutha fukka should be my middle name, but I’m just a thinker and how I process shit is different.  I make love not war so… death of the unrighteous is hard for me to process. I don’t wanna mourn it because well… but I don’t really wanna celebrate it either… Its kinda just a welp, a “they shouldn’t been doing what they was doing….. they HAD to know better…”  kinda moment for me.  

But that’s me.  I have looked in the eyes of a nigga who took the life of one cousin and the innocence of another and still not wished him death.  I don’t know I guess I’m funny that way.  I just don’t like the loss of life especially for those who need redemption because I know my faith tells me that those folks there don’t have a very pleasant after life ahead of them, but then again I don’t know shit about that after life because there is certainly redemption offered to all of us.  The choice is ours….

Anyway, I am happy for the closure and unity the death of Bin Laden seems to be bringing the country.  I think at this time its something we need… However I am not happy at the loss of life… I’m more matter of fact about it, you know like that’s what the fuck happens when you do evil shit man…you gone get got… I thought I told you. Oh well fuck you and next time don’t think America is on some bullshit.

Anyway though, I am full supporter of people feeling and doing what ever they want for this moment because it’s America and that’s why folks have fought, killed, and died so Americans have the right to celebrate or not celebrate the death of anyone friend or foe how they want to… Me, I’m not gonna celebrate but I’m not gonna shit on people who do or who feel a different way than I do about it, cause it’s not my right to.  I only have rights to the opinions & actions of one person and that’s me.

I suggest you process this moment in history how YOU see fit and fuck what everyone else says about it.  That’s what Imma do. 

Be EZ,

Friday, April 29, 2011

Thoroughly Modern Kate

I know errrrrrrrrybody got some shit to say about Will and Kate and their day. All I have to say is I LOVED everything about that dress and I also love everything about the road to Royalty that Kate has taken, more so then all the rest of this stuff which is just the Royal tradition and what not.

I wish more women would pay attention to a few facts about the princess’s road to her prince tho… William & Kate have been together for TEN years (dating for 8 of them).  Let me repeat that again Will & Kate have been together for TEN years.  I need y’all to let that set into your my husband better ask me to marry him in 1 year of meeting him hearts. I think that may be why I like this story so much, because it illustrates that if you KNOW you’re the one, live your life and continue to do you because what God has for you He has for you. All the anxiousness & theatrics about stuff that is destined sometimes irks me. 

I mean what will be will be saddown and just live your life. I just enjoy my life like a good movie and so far God has given me quite a story to enjoy. You really should try it. Its fun!!!

I remember when they split, England was at a loss cause they were sure Kate was the one for William.  I mean Kate could of handled all this differently she could have done what a lot of you sour apple bitter bitches do. Instead she kept it cute and she kept living her life. I’m sure she was probably a little devastated but the paps always caught her out living her life & moving on. I’d like to think it was because she knew she was THAT BITCH and regardless of what happened with her & Will she was obviously happy with WHO SHE WAS.  However I’m sure it wasn’t that raw of a thought in her head.

And when William came back to her realizing that she was definitely who he needed to share his Royal life with, she also could have done what a lot of you worried about what other mutha fukkas have to say & think about your lives heauxs would do, but instead she listened to her heart and what she wanted & needed.  And yeah it might not work out for her, but so the fuck what. It might turnout to be more than any fairy tale she ever read or dreamed of.  Love is worth the fuckin’ risk.. Some of yall need to learn that if you not willing to risk the heartache maybe you just shouldn’t play the fucking game!

Cause trust me heartache fucking sucks but I would go thru a 1000s heartaches to find the nigga that makes my heart sing, but thats just me. I also don't frolic with every penis that pokes me, but if I feel a man is worth it I'll go ahead an roll them dice on that shit.... what do I have to lose?  

In all this pomp & circumstance and fairy tale glitter I don’t want you to forget the real moral of the story and that is sometimes it takes a minute for a man to make sure he knows that you are indeed the one for him and vice versa.  There’s no time clock for happiness (although there sometimes is a biological one but that’s another post for another day).  TEN YEARS!! I know some of you who will walk away in 10 minutes or spend 10 years with the wrong dude.  If you know its right tho you won’t fret how long it takes for him to decide and you will also learn to live, learn, and laugh on your own and decide if he is the one for you in that time.  Vette these mofos!!! 

Time is NOT our enemy I wish more women would get that. Give a man however long he needs to chose you but don’t shut your life down waiting on him either… I swear if y’all learned to do this you’d be MUCH happier. But do you… Imma let y’all keep banging your heads on that.  It took me a minute to get here myself.

Ok that’s all I have to say oh other than I LIVE for that dress…(one mo gin)!!!!  The top reminds me of this Navy dress I once had. The bottom of mine was of course knee length pencil skirt!! Anyway…let me turn this stove off and  put these pots up and get back to not giving a fuck.

Be EZ,

Glam's Academy of Real

Real Nigga Academy

First off I know I have not blogged here in a long while but this is still my bloghome until its not *waves Obama meets MLK church*  I was given the honor to hang out and chop it up on the internet air waves with the I Call Shenanigans crew (you can listen to the show here ) recently and felt I needed to put some words down on blog. 

Anyway tho.... the one and only thing that I live by is to try to be my authentic self.  Who I am is who I am and what I have done is what I have done. And although I am not proud of every decision and choice I have made in my life I am not ashamed of those choices at all.  I guess that’s why bitchassness bothers me SOOOOO much.  This world is way to full of mutha fukkas that throw rocks & hide hands, that hide in shadows and try to create mayhem and havoc out of nothing, that will say a whole bunch of shit to a whole bunch of people about a whole bunch of people but never can find the words or time to say those things to the actual people they are talking about…even when given the opportunity to clear shit up. Hmmmm

The best way to deal with a bitch is to call him (or her) out.  Cause, see me… if I said something about you and not to you its not because I’m scared of you hearing or knowing what I said or how I feel,  its because I’m a fucking lady.  I tell you one thing, anytime you hear I said or did something about anything that pertains to you feel free to ask me. I’ll tell you the only reason I may have kept it to myself is one, its your business and my opinion on it really don’t mean a fuck to how you live.So why even think my opinion on your life means that much and two, I’m not into being mean to people just to be mean.  If what I have to say doesn’t better you and isn’t out of love then it really doesn’t need to be said TO you.  Doesn’t mean I cant say it tho.   However, if you ask me did I say it? KNOW that Imma always be happy to discuss anything I said because I’m real and ain’t no future in no fronting.

One day when I grow up to be Oprah I hope to open a Real Nigga Academy dedicated to eradicating bitchassness through out the land, but  until then Imma need all you heaux ass shady mofos to check yourself before you wreck your mutha fukkin self. Thanks and God bless. 

Be EZ,

*there will probably be two blogs today because this one was I was suppose to finish days ago and I really wanna talk about the Royal Wedding but you know its gonna have an OG spin so please hold for that one later today.