Ok I'm not going to even address the ridiculously long time it’s been since I posted an original entry. I mean really, I’m way to shame to count up the months. There is only one reason I happen to be putting thoughts to laptop right now (my modern day phrase for pen to paper) and that is because I had a birthday. The one thing I have been doing consistently for the last 5 years of blogging is recording who I was and where I was on or around my birthday. I usually read all my previous birthday posts before I pen the next just to give me some perspective, however this time I didn’t. It wasn’t planned, but since I have a free hour to write uninterrupted and I’ve managed to catch up on all my Sister Toldja, Lauren, and Belle blogs, I thought why not buck tradition and write with out review of my previous birthday feelings. I’ll read what I sounded like and where I was and how I formulated my ideas when I pull all the links to those post for this blog.
I LOVE my birthday. Not necessarily the celebration of it or the hoopla that I usta bring around it in my 20’s. I just love that for me it is a day where I level set and really do a true inventory of the woman I am today and the woman I dreamt I would be 5, 10, 15, 20, 25 years ago. I always say my life is nowhere what I dreamt it would be. And for me that’s a good thing because my life is WAY better. Most birthdays I look at my life and I am happy at where I am for a late 30 something black woman from Baytown, TX. I could be doing a lot worse and still feel better and I could be doing a lot better and feel much worse. That made sense to me.
Anyway I guess for me the biggest change has been around my home life. My big little brother rents a room from me. I haven’t had a roommate (or housemate in this case) since before I was married. For those who would like to do the math I moved in with my ex-husband in 00. Anyway I love living with my brother its comfortable and our relationship as adult siblings is more of friendship than kinship. We are more alike than not. Its sometimes scary for me though, because my mom and her brother lived together when my mom was the same age I am now. I remember because I was a kid back then. Its nice to have someone who gets you. Most of the time I don't pull the big sister card on him, but even when I do he gets it. I am totally proud of the man he has become and is trying to become. It is not easy to be the gay man in a southern black family deeply rooted in the homophobic Baptist church from a small town. However he does it with the style and grace,only a butch queen can.
As for my personal growth, I am, and have been for a minute now, on the other side of depression. I have been out of therapy since December and I feel good about how I handle my situations. I feel positive about life and while sometimes I have my bad days, for the most part they are fleeting moments. I think I have fully embraced living for me, which was hard. I have also realized that everything in life is MY choice and I don’t have to do ANYTHING but be black and die, everything else is optional.
There is something freeing about understanding that one doesn’t have to do anything but what one wants to do. It definitely takes resentment out of the picture and it gives me a clear picture of who and what is in my life. If I don’t want to do it, I don’t. There use to be a time where I would still do something, even when I didn’t want to. What part of the game was that? I’m glad I have learned to do me while I can. If I ever get a man, dog, or child I realize I will have to amend those rules a bit, but right now as long as I’m SANGLE …Imma do me until somebody make me want to do them!! PUN INTENDED
I guess another thing is my relationship with TOM A. Those who read read know TOM A and I have a long history together of almost there. We are still friends and probably will always be, however how I look at TOM A and what he wants, or should I say doesn’t want for his life, has changed. I am completely ok with the fact that I love him. I make no apologies for what we are or are not to people. I don’t try to define us. To many folks waste energy trying to define shit, right now in my life I don’t need to define a relationship. I just need to be at peace about it. I can’t worry about anything happiness in the now. I can’t worry about what the world says he should do to make me happy. Only about what I require to make me happy and to be honest I don’t require him to make me happy. Maybe that will change one day and maybe it won’t. Our time together is whatever it turns out to be and I have no expectations of what we will or won’t become.
Lets see what else, this blog is more for me so I can remember what was worth documenting at 37, I apologize for not pushing you personally with some mind shattering thoughts, but sometimes its gotta be about me.
I have managed to spend these last 5 single birthdays pretty well. Well my 32 wasn’t that great newly single not even fully divorced, my 33 was crazy I lost a friend I considered a sister and mostly because she was not on the up and up with me about her actions, 34 To be honest I really can’t remember what happened when I was 34, 35 my career broke wide and that was great, 36 I crashed and burned but got my phoenix on and rose from those ashes. I’m kinda excited about 37. Right now I’m in a real good place mentally, spirtually, and professionally. Next step is to truly get back on my physical grind and take care of my body, after all I only got 3 years to get to fineness that is 40 these days. (I mean really Halle, Stacey, Demi, and the lot don't make it easy for a girl coming up in the age ranks)
*for those who care here are my blog post from last 5 birthdays!