Wednesday, January 20, 2010

In Response to Why Were Not Friends

I just can’t blog in people’s comment section anymore. The following is a response to this post . Lauren is my #twittertwin and if you haven’t checked out her blog you should. She has some good points but I kinda didn’t all the way agree with her post, I went to comment and had so much to say- well it turn into this, my second post of 2010 ( I know Imma lame). So this post really won’t make sense unless you have read her post. It may not make sense even if you do read her post, I'm cryptic that way. Anyway go there THEN read my response in this blog. Please get you some in the comments section (hers, mine, or both). Think of this as a cross over blog post. Enjoy!

My Response to this lovely post

I dunno #twittertwin I think it can be done and done well *brushing my shoulders off* I really don’t get offended in my old age and for the most part I am friends with most of my exes, well besides the BIG EX (the ex-hubby) and that was his choice, not mine. Well kinda mine too, he’s totally not cool enough to let bygones be bygones, which is one of the reasons we split. We really did have irreconcilable differences.

I guess you are saying there should be a certain amount of time before you’re friends with a man that has put it on you, makes sense. I just don’t think it requires another person to come in and knock your back out better, before you engage in the friendship. Then again my pride is the only thing stronger than my libido. I can do all things with a Hitachi Magic Wand that strengthens me.

I am trying to keep in mind how I live and date has never been the norm, I have been known to date men for long periods of time and never once request or think I’m his woman. I’ve dated men and refused to be their lovah. Mostly because I take that whole relationship thing seriously and for me to even want to be a man’s one and only, takes a GREAT movement of the world. My family often jokes how my ex went from being my friend to my fiancé, like there was no courtship period. #truestory

I guess the problem to me is women don’t really know how to enter into the friend zone, maybe its dick whippedness, maybe it’s the longing for the romantic comedy ending, maybe its just pure stoopidness. It’s the same reason I don’t go handing out the he’s my man title to every man that likes to spend time in my face (or spend his time burying his face in me). I mean we really can be friends, until you can be the kinda dude I looking for in man. As a matter of fact as long as you don’t have no issues with me seeing others and quite possibly bedding someone else (safely of course) while you trying to step your game up, we all good. I come from the school of shut that shit down. I think all women ho or angel will tell you if a man is doing what he is supposed to he can shut that outside shit down no matter what his title is. (that’s AB4AD)

Actually me living my love life that way really helps me determine the wheat from the shaft (ha ha ha I said shaft) in love and it really helps you determine the men who should be in my life and the men who shouldn’t (in all capacities). Because if a man is really serious about you and he sees you out there still looking either he will step his game up and tell you he wants you to be his girl and ask you what it takes to be your man or you will know he really ain’t that worried about you and hopefully you will cease and desist with the sweatin’ him and increase the application taking. Or at the least adjust your feeling accordingly. But Imma ho, so what do I know.

Personally I know it can be done, I have put one of best d*cks I ever had on friend zone status and lord it made my p*ssy walls quake to do so. I mean as far as sexual chemistry WOOWZA!! However he was back and forth in his separation with his wife and I didn’t like the way it was making me feel. Then he was demanding that I stop dating other folks while he was trying to date me and still work on it with his wife. GTFOH with that mess… DENEID. So finally one day when he was on the phone with me complaining about me dating others I said, its obvious you can’t handle this arrangement, lets just be friends. He agreed, probably because he thought I didn’t have full control over my loins and would cave. However the one thing my divorce taught me is MEAN what you say and SAY what you mean.

He eventually stopped calling after it was clear that I was serious about being friends and ONLY friends. I believe the last thing I said to him was “Big Dick Bandit*, I told you I am not having sex with you anymore. What’d I say!” And since it was like 3 in the morning when I said that half sleepily in the phone, I’d say he got the point. Once you can’t manage to talk a semi-celibate half sleep always horny for you woman out of her draws at three in the morning, I think you know it’s probably over. And I do miss him sometimes, but not that much. Like I said, my pride beats the p*ssy errytime (ok almost errytime)

I really think you should not be going into a friendship with a man if you think it will take you back down memory lane, however if you are woman enough to do it, go for it. My friendships with former lovers have happened both instantly and on delay, it really depended on the kind of friendship we had before we was doin it and doin it and doit in like LL.

I love for men to put me in the friend zone though because most of them are the ones that can’t handle it. The number one rule is if we’re just friends I will see you when I feel like it point blank period which is different if were dating. SELFISH game on propah! If were dating I take your feelings into consideration. However, at the beginning of an after romance friendship you at ground zero with me, you gotta earn me giving a phuck about your feelings. I mean why should I, you apparently didn’t give a phuck about mine and then you decided we’re over and I should be good with just hanging out until I just get the hint and disappear. Grow a pair!

My rules for an after the love friendships are simple. I pretty much let HIM initiate all contact in the beginning, one that tells me if he is serious about being friends. I usually don’t hang out with him on the first invite either, just another way to tell if he really wants to be friends or he’s just too chicken shit to man up and end it. So far handling the friends thing this way has worked for me. I think before, when I was younger, I took lets be friends as that and was calling and setting up time to hang out hoping it would end like the some movie I’d seen. WRONG WRONG WRONG ! I once told someone that the friendship was on him and I wouldn’t be calling, IMing, or texting unless he text me first. I haven’t heard from that man yet and that was like almost 5 years ago. *lol* Its funny to me now, but its where I learned how to put together a friendship with a man who has seen your phuck face. He and I went back and forth forever (Well I went back and forth, cause in hindsight he wasn’t doing shyt but answering the phone and hanging out with me when he felt like it.)

The key to the friend thang, for me is let the man initiate the hang out time, otherwise you are doomed. Because what happens is YOU call, YOU make the plans, he says sure. THEN something else comes up (the new chick he wants to get on top of) and he bails on you and you feel stupid because you can’t say nothing cause YOU’RE friends and you really just trying to keep your foot in the door. Point blank if a man says he wants to be friends after it’s over, YOU let him do the legwork. I find men don’t just call women they don’t want to spend time with. And hey Imma a cool chick that you might want keep around even if we can’t play the love game together we most certainly CAN watch some stupid shit on TV, listen to the Roots (or even some ignant stuff), and pass the dutch.

It’s tricky to master this friends after lovers thing, because men DO spend time with women they don’t want to spend time with. Face it men are LAZY so if YOU call and they ain't busy and they wanna shoot the shit or pass the blunt with someone who doesn’t have a Y chromosome and hasn't bust the windows out their car, you could be in like flinn. Sadly, that means nothing other than he ain’t got nothing better to do. If you’re doing the calling and making the plans for y’all 's friendevous, then he’s probably just bored and nice. Most men don’t really know how to end it; no guy wants to be the asshole that destroyed your Princess and the Frog dreams.

Trust if a man picks up the phone to arrange anything with you in person (not a late night text or thirst lined phone call) he probably does want to be your friend in some capacity. That capacity can range from date for the office parties to smoke buddy to Bestie, so don’t get ahead of your self. He may also be lonely too, but if you just view it as someone to pass the time with, then you shouldn’t get your feelings hurt when/if the new chick pops up. Don’t mistake those actions for love but it most certainly can mean he wants you in his life as friends. Sometimes being friends is the best space for both of you. I am friends with the ex love of my life and we have been for many many years (like 15 years man). We don’t hang out a lot, we mostly text or IM etc and happy hour occasionally. He is married with kids now, but I call him friend. (He’s in my top five on the headboard banger scale). Anyway I dunno how I got here in this comment section, I think Imma make this a blog post response. I said ALL that to say it can work, but not everybody is grown enough to do it. So boys and girls just listen to Lauren and do it her way. It will probably save you some heartache.

Be EZ,



CurvyGurl ♥ said...

This is point is key "don’t get ahead of your self". I've done that too many times only to realize it was more about my state of mind at the time, rather than any real feelings. Guys are pretty simple, when we take time to observe and listen that becomes quite obvious.

Juanita said...

this is a really long post.

I'm going to become a fan of your page so I can come back and read the rest some other time. my eyes are starting to cross already!

btw, I'm not all the way there with you but I do see your points.