Sunday, May 31, 2009

Random Thoughts about Life!

Funny thing! I just gotta share. I think it is so funny that when you change how you live your life people react before trying to see if the change is positive. I've made changes in my life many times and the thing I realize is that some people don't like change because they believe it to be some kind of commentary on who they are and how they live instead of it being your personal statement on how you want to live your life. I think it also speaks to how well someone does or doesn't know you.

Things are always fine when you are doing things that they like but when you change into someone or something that they can't understand it can't be that you are different or you are changing it has to be that you are trying to be something you aren't. Maybe the truth is you are FINALLY being who you want to be rather than who they thought you were or wanted you to be. I'd have to say in this journey of life I've changed many times but this change has probably been the most healthiest. The last MAJOR change I had was before my divorce. The reaction to that was a bit insulting. I'd have to say for someone to say they knew you and loved you but then believe that your choices were influenced was a bit insulting. However at this end road with TOM A (#1) the thing I have to say is he respects my change as mine and not as me trying to keep up with the Joneses. And I love that about him and is why I will always love him and why we are friends. I guess I would have to say that I am so grateful for the life lessons being in love with him taught me and what loving him while being me (unapologeticly) has revealed to me. I think the most positive thing about us is seeing how much I have changed for the better.

I know I have talked about living my life for others and being the extreme people pleaser in my life before, but this split is the first time that I chose me right off the bat. Before I usta worry about what my choices would do to other people. However this time I learned that making that choice off the bat will save me years of unhappiness and going back in forth. If I had made a choice to go at the first sign of my unhappiness back in the day I would have many more days of happiness, but I do accept that for what ever reason I was not ready to venture down the road that I am on now.

Now I would be lying if I didn't say that being away from TOM A(#1) was not sad for me, but understanding that I was the one who controlled my ultimate happiness was the AHA MOMENT for me this time. The old me pre-marriage me, probably would have wasted way more of my life trying to please my way into happiness, not understanding that even though the happiness of the one you love is important your happiness is the most important. I spent life trying to please folks and not being happy and the minute I started putting the same effort into pleasing me was the minute I was happy. I am happy alone. And I have said this before but my worst day today when I feel the most hopeless and alone and unloved is still better than my best day when I was married to the wrong person because I thought I needed to follow what society said was necessary to be happy (ie college, marriage, and then kids...thank God I never got around to kids). I know that life is THE BEST when you are truly happy and that having someone just to have someone is not a good look.

The biggest thing for me this year was actually going to a therapist and getting confirmation about my thought patterns. The last time I "talked" to someone I wasn't as open. Some people want you to be miserable because you have chosen a life with out them, and to me that is a very sad state in life. I have always wished happiness for those who I parted ways with even through the pain of the hurt, disappointment or pain they caused me. I also have come to realize because some people are too small minded and myopic to wish you the same doesn't mean you have to be the same. I think hate should be met with love and I try, but sometimes its hard. Sometimes hate should just be ignored.

As a people pleaser the hardest thing has been accepting when people are not pleased with you, but that was my first step out of the shadow of living for others. Accepting that to some people you will always be the bad guy when you don't stay in the box they made for you. I also keep in the back of my head that the more I make my own shadow the more successful, happy and well adjusted I become. I also see the people who really love and appreciate me and my opinions whether we share the same one or not.

To me I'd have to say that is the best thing about my life now. The people who are in it let me be me no matter what that is and they don't chide or make fun or judge me for who I am. TOM A (#1) still talk and I would say we are still good friends. And to me that lets me know I am at least picking the right kind of men in my life now. No more men who behave like small children cause you didn't choose them. I think I love that the most about my life now.

When I was in the valley of this break-up I knew I would emerge a better person, but what I didn't know is that I would be thankful for it. Thankful that this time I made the right choice. That this time I would be excited about loving again and bringing me to a new relationship or friendship or anything. Almost giddy ready to learn from it with out worrying if it will last. I think pre-TOM A (#1) I was too caught up in how nasty the aftermath would be and now I am just excited about what it will be in the moments its happening. I really like that. I don't know if I would have been able to get here if TOM A (#1) wasn't who he was. I truly am grateful that despite us not working out that TOM A taught me how to take a risk and that I really am strong. I think that may have been the reason for us. Our demise made me work through some family issues and come to some revelations about who I am.

I like me and really that is all that counts. I mean I have always liked me, but I think before I liked me because I knew other people liked me. Now I like me regardless of what other people say or feel about me. If you think I'm a bytch then great I'll be that...if you think I'm a know-it-all then I'll be that...if you think I'm mean then I'll be that for you. However I will not be any of those things to me. I will be me which is a quirky mix of all the things that people love and hate about me. The minute you let other peoples opinions guide your decisions in life is the minute you stop living life.

Okay that is all I have for you this Sunday. Hope you guys had a great weekend and thanks for letting me share the things rambling in my mind on a lazy Sunday morning! Life is not a competition its an adventure just do you!!

Be EZ,


sirgoldenboy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mizrepresent said...

You go girl...i know exactly how you feel and where you are...sometimes when i look back on the times i let others control my ways, and makes me cringe...the freedom i have now, be it alone for the moment is so self-gratifying. I too am being ME, unequivocal me...conceivable me...and i loving being me all the time. Enjoy!

Smokie said...

Hey OG... good to see you posting again. :-)

How can anyone live their lives according to what other people want -- and find real joy?

I can't imagine caring about another person's opinion to the extent that I'd do what THEY want me to do instead of doing what I want to do...

I feel like if I do what I want to do, I'll be at my happiest and ppl will see the REAL me...either you'll love it or hate it.... and I only want those around me who love me and know when and how to "judge" me. Sure, I welcome opinions and questions from those who LOVE me just so I can keep things in persepective, but ultimately I'm going to do what makes me happy... and since I do LONG TERM happiness, I'm always thinking about whether something has the potential to KEEP me happy or give me a momentary burst of happiness and then let me down. I try to avoid the latter!

Anonymous said...

Great Post! Re: Therapy - it's so healthy..I think more African Americans should do it. We all have some issues that can be worked through.

Solomon said...

Glad you are back OG!

I love this post, it sounds like you're really growing as a person, and that you are happy with who you are, and that you don't give two shyts about what others expect of you anymore.

We are all on a lifes journey, and it looks like you and I will both come oput the other side... the side of self discovery, and self love.

I started working on myself in many of the same ways about 3 years ago after a terrible breakup. Once I realized that the other person in any relationship I'm in can't make or break my happiness, and that it all boils down to me loving me first, because if love me, and I am Ok with what Solomon has going on, that I will be truely happy.

Glad you are doing well OG, hope to see you around more.

Have a great weekend.

Keith said...

Glad You're Blogging again...We are on the same wavelength. You have to be who you want to be in the end...and not who people expect you to be...

People get scared when they see you changing and evolving because now they are worried about if they are who they think they's not something that's easy to deal with.

I've been on both sides of that coin. said...

Hi there O.G.!!

I am so happy to hear you say these things.

As you know, I spend A LOT of time at my forum insisting that black women define their lives and their path ON THEIR OWN terms, without asking permission from others. This is hard for many women to grasp... they keep thinking about all the retaliation and emotional blackmail that they will endure if they step out and make THEMSELVES #1.

There isn't any other choice actually!

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!

crys said... imagine feeling this way your WHOLE LIFE magnified by 100X - and then, you get into a whole nother set of issues.....*sigh* welcome to my world!