Thursday, November 13, 2008

One, two, three, four...FIVE

I was going to write a blog about this article but I decided that it might be a good Friday open thread. So read up and let's get ready to discuss it tomorrow.

Today I'm going to talk about an article in Glamour magazine that was featured on the Today show. The segment was a condensed version of what men want in relationships. They came up with these five things for the segment. Not sure what the article said. The segment listed these as the five things men want.

Back Them
Men want a woman who will support them when they take risk.

Let him keep secrets
Allow him to keep things from you, like secrets of his friends or details of boys trips.

Let him have his me time (boys night out)
Men still need connection to their pre-relationship life.

Let him know when he needs to just listen or needs to provide feedback.
Men need to know when you need them to fix the problem you are talking about and when you need them to just listen to the problem.

Give him the freedom to be himself.
Don't try to change the things about him that he views as part of who he is.

I'm not a man nor a relationship expert, but all five of these make sense to me. I would say when I was married I didn't do many of these or at least not all at once or for any sustained period of time. Viewing this list it is everything I do with TOM A.

However I am older now and I know me now and I am more secure. As a younger woman I wasn't secure enough in myself to understand those things. Or maybe it was my sheltered southern upbringing that made me think marriage or relationships could only be one way. I don't know. I just found the list interesting and wanted to know what you guys thought. Is this a good list? What do you women think? Is this how you operate in your relationships?

Tell me I really want to know, especially from people like Keith and Raven who are married and seem to have a pleasant experience under their belts!

Be EZ,
OG

10 comments:

The Professor said...

I think these are ideal and the way things should work. Esp the idea of having time apart and not talking about what you do for guys night out. Age and insecurity have alot to do with why these things dont work out in some relationships. Glamour got this right, these are some esential elements.

SLC said...

Hi OG
I don't mention family much, but I've been happily married for almost 15 years. My wife has been married for 15 years and I think they've been happy for her also.

I think we unofficially subscribe to 4 out of 5 of these. The exception being "Let him keep secrets". There has never been a question she wouldn't ask, with her viewpoint being we are one so tell me even if your boy said not to.

Over the years she's learned how to get me to listen without trying to solve by starting out the conversation with, "Ok listen. Don't say anything. Just listen. I don't want you to fix it. Just listen. You got that? Just listen."

Hmmmmm. After writing that I realize I must've been a major pain in the neck.

Also add this to the list. Build him up when he screws up. Stroke that ego when he's down.

SLC

Smokie said...

You know I'm just a newlywed, but I'd say yeah, men need these things.

As far as letting him keep secrets is concerned.... well, I ask questions. And quiet as it's kept, I THINK he enjoys gossiping to a certain extent, TOO. I'm sure that if there is something he doesn't want to tell me, he just won't tell me. I don't know if I get the option of LETTING him keep a secret. lol But I do ask a lot of questions and I've yet to hear, "Baby that's private... I can't tell you ____'s business."

At the same time, I'm not all in my husband's business either. And that's only because he's extremely accountable and I just feel real secure. If I didn't, I'd probably be a snoop.

As far as giving him the freedom to be himself ... my 87 year old grandmother gave me one piece of advice when I got married: "Live and let live." Best thing she could have told me.

NoRegrets said...

Back Them
Makes sense. My ex went by 'trust but verify' which I hated, but I did the same thing. So, I think we kinda didn't make this one.

Let him keep secrets
My ex had no secrets to keep. Which made him a little boring (dont' tell anyone...)

Let him have his me time (boys night out)
My ex didn't have that - I organized things for him. Ugh I want to vomit just thinking of how many times I did that. His time was always alone.

Let him know when he needs to just listen or needs to provide feedback.
We didn't learn that until too late in the relationship. For several years I was a bitch to him because he couldn't figure that out himself. Duh to us both.

Give him the freedom to be himself.
I so did not do that. And it's a mistake. A huge one.

Chi-Chi said...

OG, I completely agree with those 5 things.

1. Back Them
Men want a woman who will support them when they take risk.
I married him because I believe he's capable, intelligent and that he always has my best interest at heart. Any risk he takes will be calculated and he will have put a whole lot of thought into it. Why wouldn't I support him? Especially when I know he'd support me!

2. Let him keep secrets
Allow him to keep things from you, like secrets of his friends or details of boys trips.
Yes . . . some things should be kept private but only if they don't impact me in any way. It's interesting to know the gory details of his friends' live but not crucial to my existence. No pressure from me to share.

3. Let him have his me time (boys night out)
Men still need connection to their pre-relationship life.
Yes! I know his life didn't begin when I stepped into it . . . by all means, he should have his friends and his own time--we should never *always* be up under each other.

4. Let him know when he needs to just listen or needs to provide feedback.
Men need to know when you need them to fix the problem you are talking about and when you need them to just listen to the problem.
I know this is true but honestly, I have to work on making it explicit what I need from him.

5. Give him the freedom to be himself.
Don't try to change the things about him that he views as part of who he is.
I totally agree. This doesn't mean that I don't ask questions and I don't address things that annoy me but .. . he's fundamentally who he is. And that's what attracted me to him in the first place. His quietness was sexy to me then . . . I'm going to have accept his quietness even when I want him to be more vocal.

Great topic!! :)

Jim said...

I don't get the secrets stuff.

If there are things that you are doing that you can't discuss maybe it won't work out!

I always said no secrets, just the mention of secrets and keeping things from one another sends my red flag flying.

I always told my wife she could do whatever she wanted as long as she was honest about everything.

If my wife wants to do things that she is embarrassed about me knowing about, or if she does things with others that she won't do with me, that is a deal breaker!

That is what my whole life has been, SECRETS, I don't do secrets.

What would be so bad that the other partner couldn't be clued in.

I'd say, if you want to keep secrets, I'll go find someone else.

I've said again and again, my wife can do whatever she wants as long as she is honest with me.

And again, secrets spell behavior that she won't do with me, so she doesn't want me to know about it. If it that bad it ain't gonna work, Im sorry!

All the other things on the list are excellent for maintaining a healthy relationship.

As for me,
I want support when I take a risk

As I said, I would never keep a secret from my wife, and I would expect the same from her.

Everyone needs their me time, both parties, him and her.

I'm also all abut communication, from both.

Everyone needs the freedom to be themself, male and female, if you are backed into a corner and the thngs that you do that define you are slowly taken from you, the relationship will suffer in direct relation to what is being taken from that person.

All of these suggestions go both ways, everyone needs to be given the freedom to be themselves and to have their own friends and their ME time.

Jim said...

And when I say no secrets, I don't mean that every detail of every meeting with freinds needs to be disclosed.

My thing is, if the other person is doing things they won't do with you, because you wouldn't approve, that is a secret. If it is within the framework of whatever the two of you have determined to be acceptable behavior, then who cares. If you'd do it when he or she is in the room, but you just don't want to go into details about stuff, who cares.

If it is something that would be a dealbereaker if the other party found out, something that you are ashamed about, or something that you won't tell because you know the other party would be upset, that is a different story.

Keith said...

This is an excellent list...OG,My wife has always given me time to myself..Some people say, too much freedom..but we also have time that is just ours. She however does like to know my secrets..Nobody is perfect, so I let that one slide. She understands that I need to know if I can fix the problem...I also understand when she just needs me to listen.
I think we both came to this through growth. We were both 30 years old when we got married..but
we've been together since we were
21 or 22. I did a lot of living prior to her as my blog has indicated and all of these experiences helped to make me right for her when she came along.
(The charactor, "Sheila" in my current story is partially based off of Mrs. Keith)Excellent Post and very good article.

Mizrepresent said...

I happen to agree with the article, the segment and see it as something both men and women would want in a relationship. In fact, in many ways it was enlightening for me...something i will put into affect with my new relationship...i'm sure dude would appreciate it!

Raven said...

LOL!!! I'm way behind!! Okay...here goes...I agree with the article. The funny thing is when my hubby starts to tell me some things about his boys...I cut him short. I tell him I don't need to know it...although it does give me great material to write about. I agree with SLC on the cheerleader thing. I feel that there are times in society where our men are kicked around so much by those with assumptions... so him having a cheerleader in his corner never hurts (dressing up like one helps too...LOL)
I love what Smokie said as well. Hmmm...I wonder if men's mags have articles with tips to keeping us happy...
WHAT WOMEN WANT
#1 Always always always settle a disagreement with, "I'm sorry honey, you are right. You know what...I saw those shoes and the matching handbag you liked...we should go get it"

#2 No matter what...it is our fault

#3 Jewelry is more than just a word that begins with the letter J.

#4 The toilet seat...it belongs down

#5 Changing the TP roll really isn't that hard...we should do it more often.

#6 Picking up our own socks really is fun.

#7 Her having 20 pairs of black shoes isn't insane...it actually makes sense

#8 Sometimes when she tells you her problems...she doesn't want to hear our solutions...she just needs a listener...and a hug

Any more ladies???