Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Healthy?

The thing is I truly believe that healthy is different for every one. And I am going to not try to get way to deep on this one because I think a healthy relationship is simple. I think a healthy relationship has to be one in which YOU are happy. Not all the times, but a good amount of time. A healthy relationship has to be the relationship that fits what you want for you and yours. And as I learned the hard way one person’s healthy is another person wildly dysfunctional.

The thing I have learned, and I am learning, is in order to be in a healthy relationship you must first KNOW what you want and then secondly be able to communicate to those looking to fill the position about what you are looking for. It’s just like when you interview for a job there is a job description that goes with the job at hand. You also have to be willing to know when you are being unreasonable or when you are the one changing up the description on folks.

If being taken care of is what you want then you are never going to be in a healthy (happy) relationship with a man who can not take care of you. Not even for one second.

If laughter is important to you then you are never going to be in a healthy relationship with a man who has no sense of humor.

If being an equal contributor to the partnership is primary to you, you will never be in a healthy relationship with a man who believes you are secondary as his mate.

Hell, if you like to get your Bobby Brown on you are never going to be in a healthy relationship with a man that won’t even take an Advil or walk through a smoky room.

For me when I think about the healthiest relationships I have had in my life (romantic and platonic) and the thing that they had in common were that they were what I wanted. Now sure this whole healthy what you want theory is predicated on the assumption that you are a healthy person. That you know what your flaws are, that you know what a healthy you wants, and you know the difference between help and enabling.

I think KNOWING who you are is the start to building all healthy relationships.

So the thing that I find the most comforting in building this relationship is that TOM A is truly a sounding board for me. He is honest. He doesn’t judge and for the first time I feel it is ok to be imperfect. The fact that he views me as being perfectly human is what I love most about our friendship and will be the foundation of any relationship we build. The fact that we love each other and our relationship looks NOTHING like a traditional relationship is a testament to my growth as a woman and makes me smile. I am the happiest I have been in a while. The absence of drama even though things are not as he would wish makes me even happier.

What he reminded me of when I told him about being bothered about my unwarranted mistrust of him; this is me and you right now. We can’t worry about yesterday or tomorrow. Which is funny, when he said that it was like being hit in the head with my own words. I thought I am always living my life in this moment trying not to let my past lead me or my future break me but just be present in the NOW. Yet somehow I got so caught up in how great we felt that I became preoccupied with how long this would last. I was completely missing my happy now, worrying about the possibility of an unhappy future.

The one thing being married taught me was that just because society says it is so doesn’t make it so. I mean if that was the case I should still be happily married.

What is healthy really has to do with the people involved, like I have an ex-coworker that swings. This is his second marriage and he is EXTREMELY HAPPY and I would say he and his wife have a healthy relationship, for them. I’m not one of those people who projects society’s mores or what I think is right or healthy on others. If you like it I love it. They have been together forever and are married and besides the fact they like to do God knows what with God knows who it seems like a pretty normal marriage.

I said all this to say this. You gotta know what YOU WANT and COMMUNICATE THOSE WANTS otherwise you are not going to be able to enter into a healthy relationship. You just gonna be spinning a roulette wheel with your happiness. Nobody wins big on roulette. Do they?

To me a healthy relationship involves team work. To me for better or for worse means there may be a time where something life altering changes if you can work or talk or walk or anything imaginable. If you aren’t a team from jump then well that incident could be the end of you. If you are a team then you are honest. If you are a team then you know how to take help and receive help. Teammates accept each other and learn each other’s strengths and weaknesses. They capitalize on the fact that you have a quick first step or that your blocks lay fools out, or that you cut to left quicker than anybody this side of the mason Dixon. They sometimes pass the ball and sometimes they catch the ball. However it really doesn’t matter who does the passing, as long as you score. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!

To me a healthy relationship contains two people who are one, just like a team. My victories are OUR victories because we are friends. There’s no I in team. Your mate should be your teammate. I do really think the fact that many straight women don’t grow up playing on teams is a slight disservice to learning team dynamics. After all men grow up that way and we see it in the way many socialize. I think learning what team work really is could help us learn a lot about looking for mates and creating healthy friendships and relationships. Learn about picking up slack and having our slack picked up. Enough!

I just wanted to talk about something besides the obvious pink BLUE elephant in the room today. Plus those two make a great team. I love the fact that Michelle was the BREAD WINNER, making twice as much as her husband at times. However she knew the content of character he had and believed in him.* She was on team Barack and never stopped rooting for her Pumsky. Just for the record so am I!**

What say you, is healthy in the eye of the beholder or is it a standard we have to meet?

Happy Election Day!!

People often say that, in a democracy, decisions are made by a majority of the people. Of course, that is not true. Decisions are made by a majority of those who make themselves heard and who vote -- a very different thing. - Walter H. Judd

Be EZ,
OG

* I stress content of character please don't use the last part to support some man who's only content of character is OE and the meat loaf you cooked last night. And put some kind of timetable on getting on your feet or whatever. This is a double edge sword so don't go playing this invest in a man game too many times. *lol*

**I had to make the obligatory Barack Obama tie in. It is election day! Here are some quotes about election day, sorry that's all the election day hoorah I'm giving you, I've voted now its time to see what this election do.

13 comments:

Sister Girl said...

Healthy is whatever works for the two of you !

You often now have women whom are the breadwinners & house husbands that tend to the "family", and I just love when it's coordinated.

Happy Election Day !

T.

Bus Chick said...

I completely agree that what is considered healthy varies from couple to couple. "Society" can sanction or prevent certain activities (defining who gets to be married, for example), but they don't get to decide what makes people happy. That said, I happen to think there are certain basic requirements for a healthy relationship: that both people know what they want, are respected, and have their needs met.

Thanks for the diversion today. If I wasn't on the verge of throwing up, I'd be drinking a cocktail right now.

P.S. - I am so glad that YOU are happy. :)

Keith said...

OG- You said something that really resonated with me...About knowing yourself. Most people don't know themselves and their partner doesn't know him/her self either when they get in relationships. All they know is that they know they like what they see at the time. That's why so many relationships implode seemingly overnight...

(The love story I've been writing in Escapades recently deals with a
man who suddenly realizes who he could be and on becoming that better self is able to find fulfillment and redemption in love
(I just tossed the sex in to keep folks interested.)
This post shows that great minds think alike because I've been pondering self awareness in relationships for a long while now.
Excellent Post gurllll!!!-lolol.

Keith said...

Oh an another thing- Healthy is a standard we set when we finnally realize who we are and what we need. Another word for that is "Standards"...We have to set standards and a few requirements.
Like you said...If you like to get your laugh on...you can't be with a
dour humorless man.

CurvyGurl said...

How true, OG. I realized a while ago that I'm not all that clear on what I want,but I sure know what I don't want. Thanks for the insight, this has given me a few things to think about.

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

@All I hope tomorrow is a GOOD DAY!!

@SG- You are right. As long as you two coordinate you should do JUST fine! Or at least I hope you do.

@Bus Chick- hey you!! Keep it positive, our boy gotta pull it off. You should have a drink or five, I know I will when I make it to the house. I’m so glad I’m happy too!!

@Keith- Thanks! And yes you gotta know you! I see that in your story and one of the reason I like it is because it feels authentic, including the sex *lol*

@Curvy Gurl - You know I use to think it was good enough to know what you didn’t want but what I realized its best to know what you do and not so much the details but the essence of what makes you happy. That’s what I’m learning.

-OG

Somebodies Friend said...

Great post OG,

I really dig what you're saying about being in a healthy relationship and knowing what is expected of each other before things spiral out of control.

For the most part I know what I want in a relationship, but because of so much past abuse, drama and confusion I have a terrible time communicating what I want out of a relationship.

It is so bad hat I get extremely anxious and all I can think of (If I can't think of anything, imagine an empty head, or it seems to come out the wrong way. Or because of past experience I just get all nervous and start studdering and stamering. It is really very embarrassing.

If it is a conversation of extreme importance in te relationship I just freeze up.

I am a lot better than I use to be, but I still have a long way to go, let me tell you.

You see when I was young, I was the skinny, pimple faced, shy, awkward kid, the one everyone teased to know end. It took it's toll on me, let me tell you.

I was a late bloomer, now all the cute girls smile at me and I can tell they think I'm HOT, I have gotten to the point were I don't have much trouble talking to them, but I freeze up when it comes to asking them out.

I don't know who gets more frustrated, me or them, I can see the frustration on their faces.

But the few times I have ask one of them out, and these were girls that were beaming when I even said anything to them, they seemed to deflate after I popped the lets go out on them.

So this has gotten me really confused. I think I am getting what they want, but I am still apprehensive, to say the least!

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

@SF- I was somewhat of a late bloomer or late to notice I had bloomed. I get you on working through that!

-OG

SLC said...

My late aunt and uncle had a weird relationship. She seemed so difficult and stubborn, while he seemed patient and softly persistent. They never seemed to agree, he never won, and never cared. It was like entertainment for him. I thought of them when I read, "one person’s healthy is another person wildly dysfunctional."

You know when I meet a couple that says they've been together 30 years and never argued, I always look at them and think, you had boring marriage and a staid/nonexistent sex life. I mean can it (relationships or sex) be normal, which is predictable, and good?

Great post. Glad you're happy you're way.
SLC

Somebodies Friend said...

Again, I loved this post, and most of the comments are right on time also!

Very encouraging.

@SG You are so right! Sometimes the husband just needs to tend to "things" lol

@bc It's all about the diversion, we wouldn't want you throwing up!

@Keith Yes, It is all about knowing yourself, you can't love anybody else if you don't love yourself first and foremost!
And I love your stories btw...

@CG It's all about finding and asking for what you need, I am coming to terms with that myself!

@slc I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt, I really am! The story you tell about them reminds me of a friends aunt & uncle, ;) May she rest in peace.

And I like what you said about ouples that have never had a fight, BORING.... lol

Raven said...

It took me a while to realize that only my husband and I can dictate what is "healthy" for us. When we first got married it bothered me (only a little) that I wasn't a great cook...okay, not even a good cook, but that was okay with him. We threw all "rules" aside and just allowed ourselves to set our own standard. So he cooks and I like to fix things around the house...Different? Maybe...but it works for us.

Raven said...

Oh...and I love that last bit about the man and his OE and meatloaf. HILARIOUS!!!!

blackgirlinmaine said...

I really needed to read this. Good post.