Sunday, September 21, 2008

Grey Area

Well folks, next Thursday my favorite TV drama comes back for its 4th season. I don’t really blog about it much, but watching it makes me feel ok about me as I learn and grow and become a better person. I mean the thing about wanting to grow and be better along the road you are gonna run into some dark parts of yourself, past hurts, and some things that many of us just rather keep deep down inside to fester and eventually manifest into some sickness (mental or physical). Anyway, I like Grey’s Anatomy because once you strip away all the unreality needed for TV show medical dramas, you know the pass around sex, the really really big traumas ( that conveniently happen during sweeps weeks), the long monologues disguised as speeches ( I mean who let’s a person talk that long with not so much as a mm hmm) and the way out medical diagnosis and miracle life savings surgeries, the relationships and characters feel authentic to me. I mean when I look at the friendships, sex-ships, and relationships on that show the characters say things that sound real to me you know believable and true to who their characters are, but I guess that’s why they call it good writing. Not too sunny. Not to gloomy. But real.

I think I really like Grey’s because I indentify so much with the characters and the choices in their live. I so identify with the Meredith Grey character. She is the flawed protagonist, she is smart and successful and on her professional game but when it comes to love she is flawed (what I thought might be tragically flawed judging from the first four seasons, well until the last episode of season four). The thing about Grey’s is Shonda Rhimes, the creator, and head writer gets that not all people are sunny, happy, warm or fuzzy , however love can bring that out of the most cynical of us. You see love when in dark times which I think is very interesting. To me those are the people to watch. I love every character for a different reason and I love the interaction between all of them. Grey’s is the only television series besides SATC that I own all the available DVDs. For the record Heroes, Entourage, Weeds and the complete series set of the Wire are on my list to buy not just watch. *lol*

Anyway the last episode of the season resonated with me so much. At the end we have a Meredith who has fought being loved by the man, Derek. Derek is like the prince charming kinda perfect Dr. and he LOVES him some Meredith and the problem has been that Meredith can’t believe this. I don’t blame her I’d have a hard time believing someone like Derek was real. Of course because it TV she had a great monologue to tell Dr. McDreamy she was ready to go all Tevin Campbell on him (I’m ready to love…) . The thing is while she was talking I identified with the small, mousy blonde, hair, cynical, brilliant, guarded Meredith Grey as she was being all uncharacteristically happy and sunny. I have to say I am in a very unfamiliar happy sunny place whenit comes to love right now. She told Derek two things that really stuck in my head. She said to him I want to trust you…but I don’t know if I can... but I’m going to try.


I think trust is very hard for black women. I think because of the sad situations, abuse, and strained relationship of black men and women, we often find trust to be the hardest thing. And as I hope we ALL know no relationship can survive unless you can trust someone with your heart. Trust, Meredith can’t just trust or even allow herself to try and become one of those sunny happy people in love. You know the ones the rest of us side eye, she is one of those people when she is with Derek. When she told Derek I want to trust you …but I don’t know if I can, but I’m going to try. See that’s the issue, no one wants to try, it seems like we are all afraid of being hurt. We are all afraid of looking silly. What if this doesn’t work? What if I really am incapable of being in a relationship? What if it does NOT…. however , we never ask ourselves the opposite What if it DOES…

What if DOES work out? What if HE is who I’m made for? What if we stay together forever? What if he does love as much as he says he does, if that is possible? What if we are for each other?

I honestly believe that many black women spend so much time trying to protect our heart from heartache and disappointment that we never try. We get stuck wanting to trust but just not being able to trust. No relationship can survive without trust. I know, because I was like Meredith I wanted to trust him. I wanted to believe that the extraordinary circumstances were just that and that he did love me as much as he said he did. I wanted to put my heart out there. I wanted to love him, but man I was scared. Once you have a divorce under your belt you don’t feel so sure about yourself as a good partner. I was like Meredith because I decided to try. I spent time getting whole and healed (unlike Meredith I did it for me and not to because my McDreamy was moving on) when I realized just how much baggage I had. I mean I wasn’t carrying it but I most certainly wasn’t straying too far from it, just in case I needed to grab a bag or two. I spent some time understanding loved him for real loved him enough to want to try, and when I made the call to tell TOM A I cared and I would always be here if he needed me, THINGS STARTED CHANGING for us.

The difference between Mer and Der and me and TOM A is we both were very afraid to try and I think we have both spent our time pulling and resisting as we walk down our road together. However even if it was to end today I wouldn’t regret any of this and if it last forever I will always be SO GLAD I tried. The way I look at love now is it has to be how I take the rest of my life. I mean after all, not tooting my own horn, but professionally, financially and socially I have done ok for myself. TOOT TOOT heeeeeeeeeeeey BEEP BEEP

I took all those things moment by moment one day at a time. I never got ahead of myself. I never said I’m never going to be successful or I’m never going to have a crew like family or I’m never going to have manageable debt (soon to be no debt!! YAY!). I always said what do I do today to get me closer to my goal of X? How can I be a better friend than the last time? What adjustment s can I make so next time this is better? So one day a light bulb went off for me, stop trying to anticipate what a man is going to do in order to protect myself, handle my love life the same way I handle the other things that I am successful doing. What am I going to do to get myself one step closer to being loved like I want to be loved today? Put making friends with men above trying to be IN LOVE. I always have believed you HAVE to be friends before lovers, but you also have to have that special LOVE. That’s the kind of love that gets you past the dark days when you aren’t trying to be friends.

In the beginning a lot of those steps were focused inward on making sure I loved me as much as possible, because you CAN NOT love anyone until you TRULY love yourself, ALL of you, not just the good things but the things people don’t like about you. We all have dark parts we don’t want to expose, but I really think we have to go there in order to get to a place where we are ready to love and be a part of productive and happy relationships that make each other better. Then I began to take steps towards letting relationships just unfold, not read too much into actions but pay attention to signs. I know that sounds crazy but I hope you feel what I’m saying. Anyway , there came a moment where I decided I was going to try. I looked at the odds for me and TOM A and I said well this is worth the risk of it not working out. After all if it doesn’t , it ain’t gonna kill me. I’d been through heartache before and lost a piece of my life when I left my marriage, so I figured it’s worth the risk.

Even now as we take it day by day and I realize how much I love him, as a man, not MY man but just because I think his soul and heart are beautiful, I know there is still a risk. We are still very new to this, we both are guarded about it and don’t know what to do. However, I wouldn’t trade this for nothing. If you said I had a choice of being with him for these few years (with all our ups and downs) or being with someone one who I was just eh about for the rest of my life. I’d choose two minutes of loving him like I do over someone I was just wasn’t really passionate about. I really think the divorce is so high because we DON’T wait, we don’t wait for the love the REAL love the love that stands moods, dumb decisions, bad choices, and stupid mistakes. The love that prevents us from making the dumb decisions, bad choices, and stupid mistakes in the same numbers we did before. The kind of love that makes each of us extraordinary, or as I like to call it, the Bonnie and Clyde effect. You know the love that drives each person to be better because you truly believe its Team [insert your last names here].

I believe we can be extraordinary together, rather than ordinary apart.

-Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

Well time for me to make it. If you have never watched Grey’s, tune in this Thursday see how you feel about it. If you do watch Grey’s here are Shonda Rhimes blogs about the last episode. I think they are so interesting. I LOVE her, she is such a great writer.

Be EZ,



SaneAndSingle said...

Grey's Anatomy is also one of my faves. The relationships do feel real, and the show always manages to pull a tear from my eye. It's not always a sad tear though!

Anyone who has ever been betrayed or hurt in any fashion will have trust issues. That is something I am working with myself...that and lack of patience.

quarter-life-crisis said...

I too love Grey's Anatomy and have been waiting all summer for it to come back. However I feel myself becoming more and more like Yang. Cold inside not wanting to show individuals my feelings. Acting like I am strong when everyone can see right through the act.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

never liked the show, but my problem was i thought it was about the book i had to study in college and grad school

NoRegrets said...

I seem to cry every time I watch Grey's Anatomy. OK, well, the last two weeks. I gave it up for a year or so when it got stupid with the whole Izzy thing, and I'm getting sucked back in.

I don't think it's just black women btw.

And I know what you mean. I had a love of my life that I threw myself into. It didn't work - he rejected me. And then later he died. And a friend said to me, well, good thing you didn't marry him because then you'd be a widow now. And I just thought to myself that having 7 years with him would have been worth the heartache. I am glad to have truly madly deeply loved someone, so I'm hoping and praying I can do it again.

Keith said...

Before I won at love, I had to lose a lot of times and each time I "lost"...I tried to find out if I'd learned anything...I usually did and I took what I learned into another relationship. In effect,I was better or I tried to be..Each time around. So I guess that means I was perfect for my wife? Probably not...but better than than
I was before. To love is to take a risk and taking risks are not for the meek..It takes courage to put yourself out be vulnerable..So be of good courage.

PS- My wife and daughter love "Greys Anatomy"...I'm sure that when it comes back on, they'll be in front of the big screen with bated breath.

Mizrepresent said...

OG, first of all i have always loved Grey's of my fav shows, for all you pointed out...and it's funny i always felt like Meridith, she kind of reminds me of Ally McBeal which was also one of my fav shows...quirky, smart and yet still falling over themselves and making mistakes, not perfect, but perfectly them. I so long for that love that you speak of...i'm waiting for it, and i am so happy to hear that you are at that place! This has to be one of my favorite posts from you girl, cuz you broke that shit down...and crossed the finished line! said...

Hey there!!

I don't own a television so I have only seen one episode of Grey's and it was in the first season when I was at a friend's home and I didn't know it was in its fourth season!!

I think that people who have a hard time trusting anybody are often those persons who do not have confidence in their own judgment. We need to truly examine that.

The other issue we have to consider is the one that I keep bringing up at my women ASSUME an emotional contract exists that was never in existence and then when their needs or expectatiosn are NOT MET, then they want to tell themselves that so-and-so should not have been trusted.But THAT does not address the core issue!

Is the man TRULY untrustworthy? Or did you fail to establish an equitable emotional contract from the beginning? Did you ASSUME a contract existed simply because he was coming over every night and paying lots of attention intially? THAT doesn't mean a contract exists! I have said this to women sooo many times.

I ask them: "How did you foster the emotional contract?" They give me a blank look.

Okay...NOW that is a place to start thinking.

I love that you mentioned the trust issue. There are sooo many layers to peel away and learn from.

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!