Well, I was so planning to blog about absolutely nothing today, this week has been junk food blogging for me, nothing to heavy with NO nutritious value, you know the delicious with out the nutritious. The random ish, not talking about Obama catching the heat that I knew he would eventually catch (he’s a politician folks), not talking about the Olympics or the recent bloodshed in China, not talking about the accusation of the fake letter created by the Bush administration to aid in invading Iraq. Not talking about it, not blogging about it, although I have been reading about it. Hell I ain’t even talking about Morgan Freeman’s car wreck or Queen Latifah’s gay marriage, Christina Applegate’s breast cancer, or the latest in Hollyhood and Hollyweird. Not talking about Heath Ledger’s performance as the Joker or the Olsen twin asking for immunity before she’ll give up the goods on where Heath was getting his drugs. Although I will say OMG Ledger in Dark Knight makes Nicholson’s Joker look like a clown for real and not even one of those cool Cirque De Soleil clowns I’m talking BOZO!!
However my hand has been forced. I mean really, I don’t bang. I rock the dope rhymes and now my fellow bloggers Keith, Zack, and Black Girl in Maine have forced my hand. Actually if you really want to blame someone BLAME Keith he did a jedi mind trick on me. Before reading his post this morning I was all set. I am telling you I WAS ALL SET to blog about my new Instinct and how I think I like it and how I was worried maybe I should have just took the pipe and got a Crackberry like every other urban dwelling professional thirty something I know, but hey I’m different (and cheap) so I went with the Instinct and LOVE it. I planned to blog about how my backordered Steve Madden shoes came yesterday; they are inspired by the Dior Gladiator sandal that Carrie rocked in SATC. Oh the hotness! I was gonna blog about any and everything but the fact that on a whole we women have got to get our weight up! For those who are not familiar with that slang and think I am trying to start some obesity campaign. Get yo’ weight up, means you need to get ready for battle. It is in reference to what boxers do before their title bout they try to get their weight up while still remain in tip top fighting shape or something like that. My BFF is always saying black women are under attack and we are in so many ways, its why we gotta get our minds right and get ready to do battle! Anyway…womanhood is my topic today.
First a disclaimer I’m probably not the broad to be talking about this, because as I told Keith I’m all Ciara on this one, like a boy. However it has always IRKED me beyond belief at how many women just GIVE their power away. This is going to be a mind dump and I can not guarantee what conclusion I will end with because this blog is pure emotion and me straight of the top of my dome..freestyle baby! So bear with me! I'm working this problem out on paper, about to carry the one. Feel me?
We are powerful creatures what we have is the missing link when it comes to men. We are, after all, if you believe in Adam and Eve, we are the rib he is missing. When you look at Sarah and Abraham we are the reason for strife in the Middle East (it was Sari who suggested to Abram that he have a child with Hagar and not wait on Jehovah to fulfill his promise). To get hood with it, really pussy rules the world. A woman who understands the power of the P (what movie was that from?) is a woman who understands her worth. Actually, really it’s not that graphic but I’m a writer not biter for myself and many, (umm saying that just made me a biter. Oh the irony) but I had to get you with something salacious.
What’s Happening to our Sisters?
First things first we know that black women are single at alarming rates. We know that there is this new breed of woman who looks sexually empowered on the outside but ain’t nothing but insecure little girls looking for love in all the wrong places on the inside. We know there are women out there who are nothing but prostitutes selling their body for dinner, apartments, Gucci and Prada. We know there are women out there who have made themselves nothing but a pretty package to be passed around and admired for her wrapping that will whither away, sag, and grow old. We know there are women out there that are emasculating our men and taking independence to a new level snatching up pants and busting balls. We know there are women who’s complete net worth (financially, physically and emotionally) has been built on their bodies. We know there are women who think themselves better because they have repressed all sexual urges and look down on women who have found freedom in who they are sexually. We know there are women who have been victims of abuse so long that they have gone all Patty Hurst on us. We know…we know… we know, but Do you know what kind of woman you are? Do you know who is watching you? Do you know where you going to, do you like the things that life is showing you?
I could sit here and blame this patriarchal society especially the largely misogynistic black community, which is crazy because I find these days that many of our women are peddling misogyny like its going out of style. Or we can blame ourselves. As black women why are we so afraid? Now, please know all this is generalization needed to get my points across, this is not aimed at any particular woman, more at behaviors that I think at some point one or all of us have gone through collectively. However when you know better, you do better. If I hit you with an accusation just accept it and decide if you cool with it or if you wanna change it, no need to fight about why you do it or make excuses, that’s the first mistake.
Anyway I wanna talk about respect. Stop looking for respect, respect is not something that is to be found under a rock. Respect is not something that is given out like flyers after the club. Respect is to be earned, demanded, commanded but very rarely are men just giving out respect, plus why is somebody ANYBODY going to give you respect if you don’t respect YOURSELF. I know I know this is where you ask me why do you continue to sing this song of self-love OG? Because to me it all starts and ends with you. You came into this world BY YOURSELF and you will leave BY YOURSELF so why in the hell don’t you get comfortable with yourself and learn to love you. Trust! NOBODY can love you better than you can love yourself. No one can respect you more than you respect yourself and if we had more self-respect we would know when to pull up and cut ties with those who don’t respect us.
I don’t think there is anything wrong in being sexy or using your assets to get ahead, but as with anything there is s point where you sell your soul for what? Many women use their bodies to get what they need because men are ridiculous and well some men pay. Some of those women don’t respect those men and so the disrespect they receive from a man making it rain on thier azz don’t mean shyt because it’s tantamount (another FAVORITE word of mine) to a little dumb bratty kid calling you a doodoo head.
What you really want to look at is how some women who do some of the most disrespectful things to themselves, their bodies, their minds manage to be respected. That is where the answer is. I mean I know women who have done shyt that is SCANDOLOUS with men and I have seen those same men try to take that woman home (Keith I know this kinda contradicts what you said, but ride with me, let me show where we kick it at). It’s true I mean it has to be true, why would men utter this phrase to there homeboys You can’t turn a ho into a housewife. *lol* I like to think of life more as one man’s ho is another’s housewife. Anyway, what you need to know is that respect is the key. You need to define what you do and don't do, and your moral code and live by that, living by YOUR moral code and adhering to it even if it is considered disrespectful by others insures YOU get the respect you want. If you like some things that others don't, don't let THEM define you, you tell them to kick rocks. I would have to say I HOPE your moral code is tied to something besides Lil' Wayne videos.
If you make the rule of thumb never to be with someone who disrespects you then it doesn’t matter how you deal with one another you will be ok. That’s how I feel so please weigh in. Every person has their own meter. Some people are really sensitive and other people lay in the cut and only make a fuss when they think shyt REALLY matters. I charge women to find out where their respect meter is.
We can’t blame this all on men, I mean I am a firm believer that people treat you how you LET them treat you. I also believe you should treat others as you want to be treated. Because I believe the latter I often play mirror with men I have just met. If you make a date with me and break it, I’m not pressed but you best believe if you get to make another date I’m gonna not be pressed either. Maybe I’ll be there, I may reschedule, or I may be late. I mean really it is OBVIOUS to me that you think disrespecting time is cool. I dare you to say something about it, because you set the tone. If its okay to do something to me IT IS OBVIOUS you are ok with it being done to you.
We can’t blame men, because if you shut yo’ shyt down and a man likes you or half way likes you he will COME CORRECT. The bonus is if he doesn’t come correct you have saved yourself lots of heartache and worry.
We can’t blame men. All this he says that and this and he just can’t right now and the time ain’t right shyt. Shut yo’ shyt down. Oh and as always I am a proponent of ACTION not words. It was a common theme in my marriage. My ex was slick talker. He thought it was about words and for me it was about action, of course in my old age I realize it’s about both. A man’s words must line up with his actions otherwise what he is selling you is like ocean front property in Arizona. If a man wants you, believe you will know don’t make excuses for being unhappy as the terminal jump-off, girlfriend, fiancé, or unhappy wife. Speak the phuck up! I’m sorry but I just think we as women have it all wrong sometimes. And we conveniently blame it on men being dogs.
Naw, homegirl it ain’t that simple. It ain’t. If it was then we wouldn’t be in this conundrum chasing men, trying to be cute for men, trying to have a girlfriend for men ( has anyone else notice THAT phenomena in younger women how is cool to be bi-sexual because dudes dig that and the possibility of threesome…really? Why can’t you just be bi cause you want to or because you freaky why you have a girlfriend cause you dude thinks its sexy..-AB4AD). Dogs only do what their owners allow them to do. Some dogs are excellent pets. Dogs are loyal. Dogs can be trained. So if men are dogs why don’t you take them mongrels to the pound with the other scallywags and find you a show dog?
Ain’t nobody gonna love me on their terms
That ain’t love. I’m sorry maybe this means I am going to be single for the rest of my life, but NO MAN is going to love me or define me on his terms. I control who I am. I control how I want to be loved and I control my destiny and who I give me too. It’s just that simple. As my grandmother put it I can do BAD all by myself. I mean this doesn’t mean that I am not gonna be supportive through his bad times and phuck ups and mistakes. I understand so well about mistakes and being human, but there comes a time where all the understanding has to go out the window and you have to love you. Put a timetable on whatever you doing. It could be a timetable to put a timetable. But if you want to be married to him and he is strolling then to yourself be like if he doesn't do this and this and this then I am SHUTTING that shyt down. And then here is the BIG catch actually SHUT THAT SHYT DOWN. Move on. Get to going on with your life and loving you. I love me and if I NEVER get married or involved again I will be fine. I will.
I say if you happy in your casual relationship, no matter what that status is then continue, but if you ARE NOT happy. If you want or need more that what you are getting. Open your mouth. Get the answers and then make the decisions. And really listen to answers because many men will say whatever they need to say to keep you on the team. If the answers and actions don’t line up like I do love you but I just got married to another woman. Make the decision. If you happy on the side, do you (although I have to suspect that will get old at some point some type of drama will ensue).
I’m not here to tell you to stop doing anything of what you are doing because well I’m a realist and I understand there are indeed different strokes for different folks. What I am trying to say is whatever you do make sure you are happy doing it, that you feel good inside about the choice, that you don’t feel torn or less than because of your situation. That’s all I’m asking. I ask that you respect yourself. And in return I won’t judge the level of respect you have for yourself (well I don’t judge). To those who are judgmental remember respect is personal and I will admit there are some basic respect limits however the only thing you should say when you see disrespect is to ask the person why they do or don’t feel disrespected before you start the pitty party. However I really do believe in minding your own business and informing people of things. Everyone is not gonna drink your Kool-Aid or drink from the pond you have led them too. Just do your duty to inform, not judge.
Anyway the one thing I have to say is respect yourself at all times. If you do that I think you change the game. If someone disrespects you and can’t give you the respect you want break camp. Love you first. Realize you are beautifully and fiercely made and that you are worth something. You are worth being treated how you WANT to be treated. Get up, get out and love yourself. Be the best you can be.
I will end with this story. My dad was always brutally honest, just real. I remember having a talk about a C. It was mid semester and my 7th grade progress report had me at a high C in some class, I was like C is cool, mind you I had only ever made one C in my life and it was a 79 in Mrs. V Miller's class in third grade. He looked at me and said Ok so you are cool with being average? More hallmark moment shyt happened and eventually he got to the Army speech. Be all that you can be honey. Then he looked at me and said what ever you do NEVER be half assed. Never. He looked at me in my young 13 year old eyes and said, even if you decide you wanna be a ho BE THE BEST HO YOU CAN BE. Have niccas lined up around the corner to get a piece. Something about the rawness stuck. I guess it let me realize he was gonna love me no matter what and freed me to always strive for greatness at all things even the bullshyt. I don’t know maybe I shouldn’t have ended with that, but I did. And it is what it is!