Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Love and Labels: I think I might be Halle Berry

No fools not in the physical sense! *lol* I don't ever expect to hear you look a lot like Halle unless it is from Stevie Wonder and we won't even go down that road as to why I would be meeting Stevie but you know the position, so go ahead and assume it for me AB4AD!

I say that I am like Halle because I think that I don't know if I won't get married. You know I can see myself in a relationship living and loving and never being married to that person. Me and the crew were discussing, yes e-mail chat again, marriage after Crys sent an article to us.

We started talking about marriage, my thought was that I did have this fear of being a Spinster, because a few of the women in my family have gotten divorce and now are completely single, no boyfriend, no maintenance man, hell not even a vibrator. I fear that because I am so happy by myself, but I am not really by myself so maybe that's the difference.

Any way Halle talks about how she doesn't plan on marrying saying she doesn't believe in marriage anymore. That's how I feel, but doing the CC (crew chat) I had a thought that maybe what if my "want" to not be married had less to do with my not believing in labels and more to do with me being afraid.

Yep, here comes the moment of 360 degree clarity. Maybe I am afraid to be married because I know how much it takes. I know the sweat and toll it takes to hold a healthy relationship together. I know the shyt you have to do, the attitude you sometimes have to take, and the pure exposure you get to someones private person. It's hard. So I have always said I don't want a relationship because I don't want the responsibility takes. I want don't want to be obligated to do kind things, I just always want to do kind things. And if it gets to the point I don't want to do those things, I can easily remove myself from the situation. Not be forced to do it because of some label. But at that moment, at that glorious 360 degree Matrix moment for me I realized maybe just maybe I don't want to get married again because...

Because I am afraid. I am afraid that I will marry someone and just like the first time I will not find a man who is willing to love me hard enough to know they he is never gonna wanna stop trying. That he is always going to want to do kind things cause he wants to, even when I am being a bytch or having a PMS meltdown or just in general not being the me that he fell in love with.

I know close your mouth. Its quite a revelation. Maybe just maybe "I don't believe in being married again" because I think, just like the first time, I believe I am too difficult to love through the bad times. Deep down inside my very complex self.

Mandy has said about my ex that he only new how to love a one dimensional me. That he only knew how to deal with the nice OG. That he didn't know how to deal with the other me's, because as she said I'm real complex bytch! I know, oh yes I am... oh yes I am...

I have already mentioned my flaws. I know what they are. I can be bossy, aloof, overbearing, and generally just annoying. Most of the times I catch myself before it too much but sometimes the ones we loved the most get it the worst.

Well, I'm not totally sure that is why I don't like lables, but I have to think a healthy view of your views meaning knowing all the reasons you may have them is a good one. I think I am very ready to go down this road, NOW.

But this could change tomorrow, because I'm also flaky when it comes to boy girl things!

Be EZ,


sdg1844 said...

Isn't that the fear we all have though? If we show our "true" selves, that we will be rejected and not "worthy" of love?

I've felt this way many times because I can be difficult as hell.

However, if you aren't willing to deal with the TOTAL me, then I have to question your commitment in the 1st place.

I don't hide or disguise who I am. Folks know from jump what they are dealing with. I'm very upfront about who I am. LOL

We all want to be loved and accepted @ the end of the day. Hang in there OG and don't give up.

As for Halle, well she has "stuff" she needs to address on the mental/emotional plane.


Sister Girl said...

I can dig where you are coming from in this,& you know that we will continually come back to this fork in the road at some point.

For myself,I've found so much contentment in being by myself. One reason is that "IF" there ever comes a day that I marry again,one of us will have to die out of it. I guess in today's standard,that's just a little too much to ask. Being "set in my ways" as I am, I'd give it up for love anyday.

But that comes with condition because material things don't mean jack to me because I have all I want/need, and there is no price you can put on that "something" that he makes you feel. We have been conditioned to guard our heart(Lord knows I have)& we as women always fall into that rut of fear of letting go.

I'm damn sure seeking mine,so you better get yours too !

Keith said...

Never say Never...Anything can happen..and being an Aries, you know that our minds and hearts can change just like that. You can be just need to fin someone wwho can match that passion you have.

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

@sdg- Yep I think you're right we all are to some degree. I guess now I am truly examining my whys and making sure my fear isn't an unhealthy level. I'm not really afraid of much in life its just not in me. So when the thought came I felt it was very necessary to really start examining WHY I have this I'm never getting married again attitude. Because its not healthy. I mean I don't want to be married right now but now and I believed I wouldn't because I just don't know if its in me, but maybe it is.

@SG- missed you girl! That is how I feel the next time I get married divorce really is not an option. I said it the first time but still kept it in my pocket cause I felt uneasy, this time you better believe if I give myself like that to a man he will have to be special and I will know that there is no other like him. I see one of those LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG engagements in my future.

Girl I have let my guard down and I am doing things I haven't done since I was in my twenties, before my heart got all that damn scar tissue. *lol*

I'll invite you to my wedding if you invite me to yours! *lol*

@ Keith- I know I change with the blow of the wind especially when men are concerned. That's ended with me being flaky about boy girl things. TOM A is the first time I have had the same feeling for this long and he just knows how to handle my ARIAN ways, so you are right, never say never. I feel you FO' SHO on that one.


Sister Girl said...

Darling, I always act WAAAY younger than I am because it helps to keep the cobwebs out of my ass(LOL).

You know that I'll be blinging at your wedding in that dress made from crushed vodka bottles & the darling earrings made from mini-bottles of Ciroc ! I'll be vying for a mention on Hot Ghetto Mess....not even(ha ha)

Let your guard down a little....and everything else in the way(ha ha). Scar tissue can be removed & love through positive motivation conquers all.

Often times we are too critical of ourselves to allow anyone to reveal what really goes on inside of us. I've had guys that told me EXACTLY to the letter what my issue was & it was really scary to see that he could "read" me like that.

Take what you want,but get what you need(smile).