No fools not in the physical sense! *lol* I don't ever expect to hear you look a lot like Halle unless it is from Stevie Wonder and we won't even go down that road as to why I would be meeting Stevie but you know the position, so go ahead and assume it for me AB4AD!
I say that I am like Halle because I think that I don't know if I won't get married. You know I can see myself in a relationship living and loving and never being married to that person. Me and the crew were discussing, yes e-mail chat again, marriage after Crys sent an article to us.
We started talking about marriage, my thought was that I did have this fear of being a Spinster, because a few of the women in my family have gotten divorce and now are completely single, no boyfriend, no maintenance man, hell not even a vibrator. I fear that because I am so happy by myself, but I am not really by myself so maybe that's the difference.
Any way Halle talks about how she doesn't plan on marrying saying she doesn't believe in marriage anymore. That's how I feel, but doing the CC (crew chat) I had a thought that maybe what if my "want" to not be married had less to do with my not believing in labels and more to do with me being afraid.
Yep, here comes the moment of 360 degree clarity. Maybe I am afraid to be married because I know how much it takes. I know the sweat and toll it takes to hold a healthy relationship together. I know the shyt you have to do, the attitude you sometimes have to take, and the pure exposure you get to someones private person. It's hard. So I have always said I don't want a relationship because I don't want the responsibility takes. I want don't want to be obligated to do kind things, I just always want to do kind things. And if it gets to the point I don't want to do those things, I can easily remove myself from the situation. Not be forced to do it because of some label. But at that moment, at that glorious 360 degree Matrix moment for me I realized maybe just maybe I don't want to get married again because...
Because I am afraid. I am afraid that I will marry someone and just like the first time I will not find a man who is willing to love me hard enough to know they he is never gonna wanna stop trying. That he is always going to want to do kind things cause he wants to, even when I am being a bytch or having a PMS meltdown or just in general not being the me that he fell in love with.
I know close your mouth. Its quite a revelation. Maybe just maybe "I don't believe in being married again" because I think, just like the first time, I believe I am too difficult to love through the bad times. Deep down inside my very complex self.
Mandy has said about my ex that he only new how to love a one dimensional me. That he only knew how to deal with the nice OG. That he didn't know how to deal with the other me's, because as she said I'm real complex bytch! I know, oh yes I am... oh yes I am...
I have already mentioned my flaws. I know what they are. I can be bossy, aloof, overbearing, and generally just annoying. Most of the times I catch myself before it too much but sometimes the ones we loved the most get it the worst.
Well, I'm not totally sure that is why I don't like lables, but I have to think a healthy view of your views meaning knowing all the reasons you may have them is a good one. I think I am very ready to go down this road, NOW.
But this could change tomorrow, because I'm also flaky when it comes to boy girl things!