Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Labels and Love

So first off, I must apologize for the Blogger issues. I had written this and saved it I thought but it looks like for whatever reason the second part of my blog about relationships was wiped out! I swear there are gnomes in my laptop or maybe I should stop blogging so late at night who knows. Anyway here is part deaux of Love and Labels, appropriately called Labels and Love, yeah I do slight of hand tricks like that to keep it new and exciting.

The second part of this is really more about when you find yourself looking for the label or not looking for the label it could be a sign that you and your partner are out of synch. I mean I can’t tell you how many men I have met and either I thought our timing was off or they thought our timing was off. I had met them earlier or later in their life because they were either too immature or I was too mature or I didn't have the immaturity or maturity needed to work at a relationship with them. Sometimes they were unavailable, and well...I don't do drama.

I have found one of the keys to healthy relationships is undoubtedly being on the same page. Learning to enjoy each other and making mutual decisions about where you are in your relationship, but a label IS NOT required, at least not in my eyes. I mean there is nothing wrong with kicking it, one person asking the other say well I’m not there yet and the other shrugging his/her shoulders and continuing to kick it and enjoy what is happening with out pressing for the next thing to happen.

The issues come when you fight either the label or you push the label. When left alone relationships happen. One day you look up and someone says "what are we doing?" The other goes I guess we are together and you agree or disagree. Or the answer is we are enjoying each others company and the other person agrees or disagrees. I don’t think there is anything wrong in taking a health check of a relationship and moving it forward.

However what some people do-women do, since I am woman I’ll speak from my POV, we stay in the relationship even though the answer is different than what we want. I have found the best thing to do in a situation where you feel its time for more and he feels its cool like it is, is to leave the situation. I mean if you are not comfortable continuing on at the lowest common denominator of your relationship, you need to go ahead and leave the relationship. If you leave then it would mean that you can start getting ready for the inevitable which is you probably won’t make it to the next phase in the realtionship. Instead of telling yourself all these complex reasons as to why he isn’t ready to put the gf sash on your shoulder you should take yourself out of the running.

Doing that helps you two fold, the first is it helps you distance yourself before you become to intertwine to see your situation objectively, sometimes this back fires and you realize you don’t want him or you can’t live without him. Depending on who you either one can knock you for a loop. The second plus to removing yourself from the situation instead of fighting about it, it makes the other person realize if you are truly instrumental to your future. I always think of a friend I had that I said, well if we are going to friends I will put the onis on you. I stopped all the extra and well I have never heard from him again. It was cool becaue when I said I will let you drive this relationship if you want it, I knew he was not that into me. I had cried tears way before the declaration. In hindsight I am glad I did that. I think I would have missed so many other valuable realtionships with men because I was always secretly holdin gout for him to come in and say stop this.

There was a time when I stopped talking to Tom A and he wasn’t talking to me, however in hindsight I saw him removing himself from our situation was a way to show me how much I did need him. At the very same time I was removing myself from the situation becaues I felt like he wasn't respecting our friendship. It was a traditional broke back mountain moment where I metaphorically said I wish I could quit you. I was fine with out him but then I realized I wasn’t so fine and eventually after a few months of not doing us, I had to break down and leave a message. The words I left in that message were a turning point for us. One of us had to give and be the bigger person and put pride aside and admit that we cared for the other. I offered an olive branch of friendship and he quickly accepted with way more than olive branch. It was evident we both missed our friendship.

The next time we talked I got a lot I didn’t ever think I would hear from him. However we continued to move on as friends, and I realized that I was happy with him and there were a few things I could do to show him that. I am WILD and crazily spoiled. I must admit I have the slickest mouth in the world sometimes. I have the tendency to talk to men like, well a man. I say crazy stuff and men normally because they are men deal with it or don’t the difference is unlike most men, I cared if TOM A, were to leave. I really wish I could quit him.

I have learned to ask myself if I am being unreasonable with him. I remember once early inour relationship I said something to him he didn't like. And he was like you don't even get it do you know you are the only one of my friends I talk to every day. My reply was what does that have to do with me? I don't care about others...I care about how you treat me. I was insulted he wanted me to feel special because he made efforts to talk to me. Sure I didn't have to be flattered but I could have just appreciated the fact he did like me like that. Oh well I learned the hard way. I have a hard head, funny his head is harder than mine. I wish it was just a little soft so his life would be a little easier.

This loving somebody shyt, label or not, is one of the most humbling and vulnerable places to be in the world. This loving somebody shyt is one of the most grounding and substantial things in the world. That is why I feel some people want kids so bad because the beauty and feelings that come from giving and receiving real love- well, nothing can compare to it. The thing is loving yourself is cool and fulfilling but if you can manage to love someone else while loving yourself it is UNREAL. Nothing in this world compares to having a relationship of any kind of capacity where you both love yourself and the other person. Self love makes the relationship stronger and better whether it’s parental, platonic, or romantic relationship. Self-love is the key to healthy love.

The point of this blog is to say don’t get so caught up in your head trying to define and manipulate your situation. Just sit back and live life easy as it comes. Don’t become to preoccupied with your future or too invested in your past, life is a fine line of learning from mistakes and having fun making them, or so that’s what I think now.

I don’t regret failing at anything I have ever failed at, as a matter of fact I think my failures have been my greatest lessons in life about love, loss, and happiness. So if anything I am always willing to take a chance and step out of my box. This whole TOM A is so completely outside my box, but I figure if I can get up and move cross country in three weeks, why can’t I take a chance on loving a man until something gives. What’s the worst that could happen?

I mean I guess he could not love me back and then what, well he didn’t love me before and life went on so really I don’t have anything to lose if you weigh it against what could happen if he decided to love me. I really have nothing but gain as long as I am smart and use my head when making decisions. Well I guess that has to be the hitch, apparently using your head when love is involved is something that is not very easy for most folks, here’s to hoping I can break the trends and gain forward motion in love instead of lose my mind!

Be EZ,


sdg1844 said...

Very insightful post OG. I've learned that you attract what you are. When I was younger, I attracted alot of emotionally unavailable cats. That's because I was playing games and didn't want to acknowledge the truth.

I think it's cool to just chill and let flow, but to also check in with yourself and your partner to make sure things are on track.

If they are not, I agree that you need to move on. We will NEVER make anyone into what we want them to be. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

Have enough respect for yourself and the relationship to let it go when it no longer offers up what you want. People cling for various reasons and most of them aren't good.

Mizrepresent said...

Great post lady. I agree with you on the labeling, although i often want to know at what point does it move from dating and become a relationship? Hmmm, i've been pondering that question in my head for awhile now, and i guess it is as you've said, when you both realize, "Hey, i guess we are together".

Crys said...

does TomA know that you blog? and sometimes blog about him and ya'll?

i wonder that......i also wonder if sometimes hipsy is lurking too! lol

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Of course you would ask that! Now girl you KNOW TOM A can't access any blogs right now and to use your term Hot Water Heater, the internet is like a hot water heater to him!!

Does he know I be kinda sorta talking about MY business (since it’s my feelings about him)? I doubt it and since the name TOM A applies to whoever is the object of my affection at the time, I can always say I wasn't even talking about you! *lol*

Girl if HR is lurking let him lurk!! I'm like Katt trying to get more haters in my mix. so I KNOW I'm on my grind! It they ain’t hating I’m not on my grind enough!

I doubt it, but I don't care if he is or isn't! However I am entertaining to read I wouldn’t be mad if he was!! Look at that... GROWTH.


NoRegrets said...

Very nice post. It all sounds so 'easy', but boy it's hard to go through the emotions.

Sister Girl said...

Si Senorita !!!!

Awesome post,OG...but what else can one expect coming from the insightful prowess !

I'm a firm believer that in order to get to something,you have to go through something. How would your life be different today as the lady you are had you NOT gone through the fire ? Like the cultures that walk across hot coals,you are conditioned over time for it.

And you know that I live my life in La-La Land. My thoughts are carefree but not "careless",as we both know they are completely different. I'm so grateful because now I know how a precious commodity TIME is because that clock don't stop. The older you get, the faster time will fly (you'll see when you reach my age)...just wait,baby girl !

The more you represent yourself to your TOM A, the more he'll appreciate you. Girl, it must be something sexy because you KNOW that I say what I want however & WHENEVER I dang well please. I can't sit around all "demure" with crossed ankles and stuff. I'm more the type that will beat him at strip poker & make the loser (him) take it A-L-L off and let me see what I've won (LOL)