So I was on the phone with my friend Bus Chick talking. Life, mainly work, kids, and four thousand miles, keep us from chatting on any kind of regular basis. We tend to talk at least monthly or when something important happens, which ever comes first. The impromptu stuff takes at least two voice mails and a couple of text to set up the actual call.
A few things happened this weekend when talking to my friend. As many of you know I've been having some milestone things happen in my life, well just some cool things maybe not milestone. This weekend seemed like a good time to give the life update to my girl. We chatted as usual and caught up on what's been happening in each others lives. Hers of course filled with the typical lentement things mixed with the cool exciting life as a professional writer. It's funny we hardly ever talk about her day job, I guess that how I know that writing is her true profession and I definitely knows it the one she loves. I think she will do it. She's already my Carrie Bradshaw ( well, the kinda black, environmentalist, transit version), now she's on the buses in Seattle (just like Carrie) and she is on her way to a conference to pitch her book to an agent. I am so proud to call her my friend! Did I mention she also has a weekly column in Real Change, a free paper in Seattle. Anywho
As we were talking I mentioned something about my married life and when I finished she tells me that she almost forgot I was married. I took that statement as positive, because it means my references to my old life are fewer and farther between, at least to people I don't talk to regularly. I mean I doubt Mandy will ever forget I'm married (oh the price one pays as a BFF). Anyway, I think that means I'm healing. I won't say healed because only a fool would believe they are completely healed over something without doing the real evaluation that one needs to do to pronounce themselves healed. I haven't done that self-evaluation yet. I've started it, but lets just say the kinda evaluating that I have to do is going to take real deep thought, meditation and prayer. Good news is...I feel I am almost there.
The other thing that came to mind while talking to Bus Chick about life, is that I am really a grown up. I am a full functioning self-sufficient grown up. When I think of my life as a kid and thinking what my grown up life might be, I have to admit this is not at all what I imagined. Actually it is better than I imagined. I have a life that has been full of ups and downs and all the way arounds. I have a life that is full of love and solid relationships. I have people in my life who understand who I am and who have the same mindset I do. I have people in my life who ask me the hard questions because they know it will make me better. I have people in my life who love me, flaws and all ( had to get my Beyonce love on there!!). I have people in my life who I love and respect not because of who they are or the cool things the do but because of the content of their characters and the brightness of their souls. Wow I am an adult. I am a happy adult. And I am a blessed adult.
Sure my life is not perfect and this world is far from it, but I can say that I am happy with me. Sure I need to improve on things and no one is perfect, but I am so comfortable in my now. My life has room for improvement, I got all kinds of thAngs (yes thaAngs are super serious things) happening around and to me, but I am happy with me. Everything I can control in my life I am controlling. And not over controlling it.
I think before I went overboard my idea of control was perfection. The things I could control I obsessed over and tried to make them perfect. I tried to be the perfect friend, employee, person. Then I realized that control is not perfection and if I stopped trying to be perfect and just tried to control the controlable things, then I would be fine. The problem with chasing perfection is its a double edge sword. It makes you better and more driven but it also can make you unrealistic in your view of things and expectations of people. Whoever said relax, relate, release was a GENIUS!! Because nothing will ever be perfect becasue that would mean the things you can control and the things you can't control have aligned perfectly for a moment of serendipity that only happens in the movies.
However it doesn't matter how controllable the things in life are, the uncontrollable things will interfere with them. If you are chasing perfection an uncontrollable thing can wipe out your controllable world. If your aim is just to control things an uncontrollable thing will make you make adjustments. I hope that all made sense. I just was thinking. You know since now I am a real live adult I figured I'd do that, I was told that's what adults do, THINK.