Friday, June 27, 2008

Mirror Gazing

When I look in the mirror I am uncomfortable. Not because of what I see, but because of who I am. No I'm good. I'm so at one and at peace with who I am as a person, the good, bad, and slutty of me. When I say I am uncomfortable I mean in my natural thought process paying attention to myself is not comfortable. It's only something I have realized and been able to put in to words since I have been working on paying attention to myself, oh the irony of that. Something else that I am not comfortable with putting my feeling into words, well at least the hard ones. Feelings are different than opinions I put opinions out into the blogsspere ALL DAY. However talking about my feelings especially the ones that matter, much harder for me. You see tending to other people, helping other people, making other people laugh, making others happy (even at my own happiness's expense) that's my comfort zone. I think when I was younger I was so much that way (something that is perceived as great trait) it was my fatal flaw. However, these days I'm finding the balance.

My old thought patterns use to be if I told someone I'd be there I'd be there even if my arm was hanging by its skin. These days I have learned in social situations its okay when shyt comes up or to simply just change your mind, it's a social situation. I have to think in my later years I have unwound significantly. I am much more free. Easier. I have to thank my BFF for that. She is easy, she has the ability to chill and her temperament is one i envy. She is easy like a Sunday morning. Very hard to rattle one way or another. Me, I usta be easy like a Monday morning at rush hour. These days I'm way more laid back than I was when we met 10 years ago.

I guess I usta see self anything as selfish. These days I realize that you have to take care of you in order to take care of others. I still don't look in the mirror often, usually only when I'm in the bathroom or when I get ready for work. I may even stop by and look at a mirror or a window when I pass one, something I never really thought to do years ago.

I like this new balance, no I love it. I also feel the peace that balance brings me. It really helps to not only know who you are but be able to put that in words. Helps with communication and growth. And I love growth. I love evolution. I love change. It's fun to watch and reflect on my changes in the last 10, 15, 20 years. I'm happy gazing in the mirror. I mean I wasn't sad before, so I guess I should say today's mirror gazing, whether it's literal or figurative, is extremely comfortable to me. Have a good weekend.

Be EZ,

6 comments: said...

Hey there OG!

Thank you for sharing this!

I was trying to write a post this week on the psyche of the black woman and it was SO DIFFICULT to even capture what goes on inside of our minds!! *LOL*

We are complicated! *LOL*

I tried it in two parts and I still couldn't pull it off! *LOL*

You said something profound that I tried to convey in my essay:
I guess I usta see self anything as selfish. These days I realize that you have to take care of you in order to take care of others.

So many black women have been taught it is WRONG to put themselves and their needs first... and this teaching is destructive and harmful mentally and emotionally...

Maybe our mothers and grandmothers embraced it but TRULY....we are in a NEW era than they were in and we CAN let that "put yourself last" motto fall by the wayside...

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!

Mizrepresent said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with self-reflection, in fact i believe it is required...we let ourselves go, we care for others, care about others, but what about us, what about you! I'm learning to do this as often as i can, an each time i delve into that mirror i discover another piece of me.

Sister Girl said...

How ironic that you would write about this because just the other day I was thinking "I wish my eyes weren't as puffy as they are".

But you know why they are so puffy ? It's because of smiling & laughing all the time, & I wouldn't give up ANYTHING on this earth to remove one wrinkle in the corners of my mouth.

I'm gonna laugh until Gabriel blows his horn & even then he'll have to cover my mouth to make me shut up because I'll be somewhere trying to make someone laugh(LOL).


sdg1844 said...

Good for you OG. You know, I spent the first 30 years of my life as a people pleaser.

It was all about keeping the peace and worrying about the love leaving if I didn't.

Taking care of me is NOT a bad thing.I was burned out, miserable and tired from swallowing my tongue all the time. Be easy girl and enjoy.

Felicity said...

Start looking at yourself for five minutes a day and start saying affirmations such as I am black and comely, until you get comfortable with yourself. Write down and put on your mirror. I am fair and beautiful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, eventually you start to celebrate yourself. Don't feel guilty it is good to look at yourself and admire yourself, you are a work of art.

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Ladies thanks for the feedback. I am comfortable with myself it's just the remembering to pay attention to myself more than the standard times. I'm searching for that middle ground between completely utilitarian checks and pure narcissism. I would like to get in the habit of looking maybe between going to the bathroom or checking myself in a window when I pass. *lol*