I am a divorcee and have not been in a relationship since I was married. When I first started blogging I did lots of writing about my divorce and when I first started dating I did lots talking about it mostly because I knew it was a way to make men not want to get involved to deeply with me and partly because I needed to vent about the experience. In these years since the split I have run from being something to someone other than a casual fling. My ex wasn't a bad person and he loved me fiercely, but I was definitely not a mature woman, not immature, but not at all ready for marriage. He didn't know how to help me grow and we really didn't understand what it took to be together until death do us part. Today, I would describe myself as the eternally single girl.
If I would have stayed married, I would have been in year seven. Instead I am almost in the fourth year of being newly single. I have to admit I am completely and totally happy with my life and don't regret my decision to not continue in my marriage one bit. Sometimes I feel incredibly guilty for not missing being married at all. I asked my BFF is she thought something was wrong with me because I had absolutely no desire to be in a relationship and she assured me when the right man came along I would. The thing is I am almost sure the right man has come along. We have known each other for two years. Our friendship has gone up and down and back again. We love each other and yet I have no desire to be his girlfriend or wife or any of those labels I should want to be. Now before you get your panties in a wad, he is NOT pressuring me to be his girlfriend. We are happy being friends right now and neither one of us feels a need to be proclaimed as the other's S.O.'s. I mean for me the fact there is no pressure to be a girlfriend gives me a lot of freedom to live and love with out all the girlfriend expectations.
When I went home last weekend we spent it together. It was the first time we had spent that much time together uninterrupted. When we first met we saw each other every day, sometimes twice a day, for over a year. But we never spent 3 days 36 hours (give or take a few) together straight. The thing about it is it was completely easy. I feel completely at ease and myself with him. Something I never felt when I was with my ex or any of the men I have dated since and something I had only felt once before. It is not the giddy love I had with my first love but it does remind me of us in the fact that we are friends first and foremost. And like my first love I think we will always be friends, no matter what happens romantically.
He and I are like peas and carrots as Forest would say. He totally makes me feel like a woman. I really truly GET that Aretha song now. Which for me is hard. I realize as a woman I am hard to date. I'm opinionated, strong, fiercely independent, bull headed, a know it all, and the list goes on. I think some men are annoyed and or intimidated by that. I don't do traditional woman things like worry about the small shyt. Now don't get me wrong I have, but when I matured in these years and worked on being the kinda woman I really wanted to be and not who the world expected me to be, I realized so many things really aren't that important to me. I do know I am a good woman and if you can get through all my armour, you will find that out. However I like and am most comfortable as one, a single girl. I think because my person is the one thing I have the most control over and I like to be in control of myself and my life as much as possible as long as possible.
I don't need you in my face all the time. I don't care if you do your own thing for days at a time. I don't expect to talk to you everyday or for hours on end. I don't even care about what you are doing when we aren't together. As long as I feel loved and respected and you pay attention to me, somewhat, when we are together I'm cool. I am not even that shaken by infidelity, maybe because I realize that sex and love are different. I understand that intimacy is far greater than slapping happies together. Now don't get me wrong I LIKE slapping happies, but if you don't have intimacy its just random sex. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
He is not at all threatened by my career success or my education or my intelligence because he knows who he is and is comfortable being that. He thinks I'm the shyt and understands and is proud every time I move up the ladder, a ladder I just realized that I was really climbing. He thought my sudden move to Boston was awesome and couldn't wait to be able to come visit me here. That is a pretty big thing to me, because my ex thought in order to be the man he had to be the breadwinner. While I thought we both could win "the bread" together. Even now the men I date often think I am cool, until they begin to realize how self-sufficient and low maintenance and sane I am. I think that the absence of drama scares them. He knows I'm a good woman and tells me. He tells me how much he appreciates me and he loves me and how important our friendship is to him. He is quite refreshing to me, after dealing with men who claimed not to care about my independence or earnings, but their actions said otherwise.
Anyway I am not really sure why I am writing this other than for the first time in a long time I love a man. And he loves me. It doesn't matter that we are not boyfriend girlfriend or husband wife. I doesn't matter about labels, what matters is I am happy. Plus I would never start a relationship while I am away from home. I don't think its fair to him or me. I LOVE that he doesn't feel the need to try to lock me down so I won't date here. I secretly think he knows that no one can compare to him, so date on if you must silly girl. I know that is how I feel about him and what he may be doing back home. I love that we can talk about anything. I love his confidence and swagger. I love that despite his flaws, hang ups, and situations he still commands my respect and my love. He is going through a lot of things right now and I find satisfaction that I can be his friend.
He told me I was the first woman he had ever been with who was his friend, he told me that all his life he had viewed women as pretty much play things. He told me that our friendship was the most important thing to him. He held me and I felt safe. I laid on his lap watching TV on a lazy Saturday afternoon and I felt it was ok to be all the things about women that I hate. If you know me, which most of you don't, you would understand.
Since you don't I will tell you that I decided as a girl that being like a boy was the way to go. Maybe it was watching my mother be mother and father to my brother and me or maybe it was watching my father womanize and discard women and raise me like his little Jr. I very much am a Charles Jr. I know how to take care of myself and I don't need any help and even when I do, I figure out how to help myself as much as I can, so I need as little assistance as possible. I know that my independence is and has been a deterrent to many men. I have had some tell me and others show me. I know my independence is both my strength and curse.
But with him I'm okay being weak and dependent and touchy feely and giddy and scared and VULNERABLE. I am ok laying on his chest as the morning sunrises. No, I am at peace laying on his chest in the morning sunrise. I love him with no expectations of him loving me back. I love him like blood and if he never loved me back I'd be okay, but it feels good that he does. Yes, my friends, I have always talked about what true love is and he let's me know I am capable of it. He lets me know that I am not cold and uncaring or broken. And for that I am grateful. No matter what happens to us I will always love him. That to me is enough. If we are never IN LOVE doesn't really matter to me.
I suppose that sounds a bit crazy and I must admit the fact I am even sharing this like some "woman" is a big step for me, but I feel I must share it. I feel I need to say it, I have to say it. It's part of growing up and facing your emotions. Its part of not worrying about what the world thinks of me. It's part of not being beholden to my ego which thinks being a silly, sappy woman loving someone and giving them a chance to hurt me is not being who I am. However, who I am is who I am and if I am a silly, sappy woman who loves someone with no expectations, then that is who I am. A woman who is whoever she is and what ever she feels. And knows what ever she feels is neither good or bad, but just that what she feels at that moment. It feels good. I feel okay about it, not like some whimpering sap.
Thanks for swirling around in my head with me today. I hope you have a happy Memorial Day and I'll talk with you guys later.