Sunday, May 25, 2008

Real Talk

I am a divorcee and have not been in a relationship since I was married. When I first started blogging I did lots of writing about my divorce and when I first started dating I did lots talking about it mostly because I knew it was a way to make men not want to get involved to deeply with me and partly because I needed to vent about the experience. In these years since the split I have run from being something to someone other than a casual fling. My ex wasn't a bad person and he loved me fiercely, but I was definitely not a mature woman, not immature, but not at all ready for marriage. He didn't know how to help me grow and we really didn't understand what it took to be together until death do us part. Today, I would describe myself as the eternally single girl.

If I would have stayed married, I would have been in year seven. Instead I am almost in the fourth year of being newly single. I have to admit I am completely and totally happy with my life and don't regret my decision to not continue in my marriage one bit. Sometimes I feel incredibly guilty for not missing being married at all. I asked my BFF is she thought something was wrong with me because I had absolutely no desire to be in a relationship and she assured me when the right man came along I would. The thing is I am almost sure the right man has come along. We have known each other for two years. Our friendship has gone up and down and back again. We love each other and yet I have no desire to be his girlfriend or wife or any of those labels I should want to be. Now before you get your panties in a wad, he is NOT pressuring me to be his girlfriend. We are happy being friends right now and neither one of us feels a need to be proclaimed as the other's S.O.'s. I mean for me the fact there is no pressure to be a girlfriend gives me a lot of freedom to live and love with out all the girlfriend expectations.

When I went home last weekend we spent it together. It was the first time we had spent that much time together uninterrupted. When we first met we saw each other every day, sometimes twice a day, for over a year. But we never spent 3 days 36 hours (give or take a few) together straight. The thing about it is it was completely easy. I feel completely at ease and myself with him. Something I never felt when I was with my ex or any of the men I have dated since and something I had only felt once before. It is not the giddy love I had with my first love but it does remind me of us in the fact that we are friends first and foremost. And like my first love I think we will always be friends, no matter what happens romantically.

He and I are like peas and carrots as Forest would say. He totally makes me feel like a woman. I really truly GET that Aretha song now. Which for me is hard. I realize as a woman I am hard to date. I'm opinionated, strong, fiercely independent, bull headed, a know it all, and the list goes on. I think some men are annoyed and or intimidated by that. I don't do traditional woman things like worry about the small shyt. Now don't get me wrong I have, but when I matured in these years and worked on being the kinda woman I really wanted to be and not who the world expected me to be, I realized so many things really aren't that important to me. I do know I am a good woman and if you can get through all my armour, you will find that out. However I like and am most comfortable as one, a single girl. I think because my person is the one thing I have the most control over and I like to be in control of myself and my life as much as possible as long as possible.

I don't need you in my face all the time. I don't care if you do your own thing for days at a time. I don't expect to talk to you everyday or for hours on end. I don't even care about what you are doing when we aren't together. As long as I feel loved and respected and you pay attention to me, somewhat, when we are together I'm cool. I am not even that shaken by infidelity, maybe because I realize that sex and love are different. I understand that intimacy is far greater than slapping happies together. Now don't get me wrong I LIKE slapping happies, but if you don't have intimacy its just random sex. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

He is not at all threatened by my career success or my education or my intelligence because he knows who he is and is comfortable being that. He thinks I'm the shyt and understands and is proud every time I move up the ladder, a ladder I just realized that I was really climbing. He thought my sudden move to Boston was awesome and couldn't wait to be able to come visit me here. That is a pretty big thing to me, because my ex thought in order to be the man he had to be the breadwinner. While I thought we both could win "the bread" together. Even now the men I date often think I am cool, until they begin to realize how self-sufficient and low maintenance and sane I am. I think that the absence of drama scares them. He knows I'm a good woman and tells me. He tells me how much he appreciates me and he loves me and how important our friendship is to him. He is quite refreshing to me, after dealing with men who claimed not to care about my independence or earnings, but their actions said otherwise.

Anyway I am not really sure why I am writing this other than for the first time in a long time I love a man. And he loves me. It doesn't matter that we are not boyfriend girlfriend or husband wife. I doesn't matter about labels, what matters is I am happy. Plus I would never start a relationship while I am away from home. I don't think its fair to him or me. I LOVE that he doesn't feel the need to try to lock me down so I won't date here. I secretly think he knows that no one can compare to him, so date on if you must silly girl. I know that is how I feel about him and what he may be doing back home. I love that we can talk about anything. I love his confidence and swagger. I love that despite his flaws, hang ups, and situations he still commands my respect and my love. He is going through a lot of things right now and I find satisfaction that I can be his friend.

He told me I was the first woman he had ever been with who was his friend, he told me that all his life he had viewed women as pretty much play things. He told me that our friendship was the most important thing to him. He held me and I felt safe. I laid on his lap watching TV on a lazy Saturday afternoon and I felt it was ok to be all the things about women that I hate. If you know me, which most of you don't, you would understand.

Since you don't I will tell you that I decided as a girl that being like a boy was the way to go. Maybe it was watching my mother be mother and father to my brother and me or maybe it was watching my father womanize and discard women and raise me like his little Jr. I very much am a Charles Jr. I know how to take care of myself and I don't need any help and even when I do, I figure out how to help myself as much as I can, so I need as little assistance as possible. I know that my independence is and has been a deterrent to many men. I have had some tell me and others show me. I know my independence is both my strength and curse.

But with him I'm okay being weak and dependent and touchy feely and giddy and scared and VULNERABLE. I am ok laying on his chest as the morning sunrises. No, I am at peace laying on his chest in the morning sunrise. I love him with no expectations of him loving me back. I love him like blood and if he never loved me back I'd be okay, but it feels good that he does. Yes, my friends, I have always talked about what true love is and he let's me know I am capable of it. He lets me know that I am not cold and uncaring or broken. And for that I am grateful. No matter what happens to us I will always love him. That to me is enough. If we are never IN LOVE doesn't really matter to me.

I suppose that sounds a bit crazy and I must admit the fact I am even sharing this like some "woman" is a big step for me, but I feel I must share it. I feel I need to say it, I have to say it. It's part of growing up and facing your emotions. Its part of not worrying about what the world thinks of me. It's part of not being beholden to my ego which thinks being a silly, sappy woman loving someone and giving them a chance to hurt me is not being who I am. However, who I am is who I am and if I am a silly, sappy woman who loves someone with no expectations, then that is who I am. A woman who is whoever she is and what ever she feels. And knows what ever she feels is neither good or bad, but just that what she feels at that moment. It feels good. I feel okay about it, not like some whimpering sap.

Thanks for swirling around in my head with me today. I hope you have a happy Memorial Day and I'll talk with you guys later.

Be EZ,


Sister Girl said...

Hey my sista !

At the age of 46 years here,if I was still married on 5/31 would make it 18 years for me(imagine that). But like you, mine lasted 2.5 years & I never give up hope for it to happen again. If it does,cool...if not,cool too.

Honestly,I'm very happy just like it is. My youth left with my childbearing years & I know that love & respect is ALL that I can offer anyone. We all want to be loved & needed, but I just don't see why some people cannot fathom that you are truly "happy" in this moment & that's okay !

Keep doing what you do...

Danielle said...

Love, respect, acceptance, appreciation. Is there anything better?

Good for you. It sounds like a very mature relationship. said...

Hi there Glamazon!

This is my first visit to your house!

You have really put a lot out there for thought! Do you mind if I link to this post on Black Women Blow The Trumpet when I do a piece on singleness and black women?

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!

OG, The Original Glamazon said...

Hey sister girl!! I see you've really been catching up on me today! *lol* Just read all your comments to all my blogs and as usual LOVE YOUR FEEDBACK

Danielle, you are so right there really isn't anyting else.

Lisa, I tried to get to your blog to tell you yes you are more than welcome to link to my blog whenever you feel like it.

quarter-life-crisis said...


I really needed to hear something like that. I hope that one day I can experience being TOTALLY comfortable being by myself so that I can truly experience something special.

ZACK said...

This is excellent O.G.! Some real gangsta talk on here.

I like how you opened up for us. For a minute, I thought I was the only person on the 'net spilling my beans. But to hear a REAL perspective on what it is to be a woman makes me apologetic for judging y'all (in my May 12 post). [Sorry, I gotta plug my blog]

In some ways, it is TOUGHER for the woman than the man. As men, we tend to be blaze about relationships, but women really want a decent guy..who is willing to accept that she may or may not be as decent as he is. And that's where the growth comes from- admitting that you are a work in progress.

I wish you the best in finding happiness. Keep blogging- and GO BACK TO WORK! J/K :)

Leva said...

Hey OG! Girl you’ve said a mouthful right here. I would’ve never thought that I could be love unconditionally; especially being single. Not saying that I’m single, but you know it has taken a whole lot of work WITH MYSELF to get to where I am and accepting the love that I have in my life. You sound like you have a winner there too. Thanks for sharing!

Crys said...

yes very insightful!

Ms Sula said...

I loved it. Every piece of it.

It was like writing a letter to myself (save the marriage, :)). And I so feel you.

Especially this part:

I don't even care about what you are doing when we aren't together. As long as I feel loved and respected and you pay attention to me, somewhat, when we are together I'm cool. I am not even that shaken by infidelity, maybe because I realize that sex and love are different. I understand that intimacy is far greater than slapping happies together. Now don't get me wrong I LIKE slapping happies, but if you don't have intimacy its just random sex. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I'm happy for you and I really hope that your sacred friendship thrives and keeps making you happy.

Keith's Space said...

Thanks for the comment on my Blog-
"Keith's Space" -Like you, I too am
a fellow Aries. I like your blog and I will be visiting it quite often in the future. Please feel free to check my blog out too.
Thanks again.

Eb the Celeb said...

This is really close to my heart... I feel you on the hard to date part and all the characteristics of that you stated after... I feel that way all the time... and finally got to the point where I stopped dumbing myself down and putting up with ish just to have a social life... I am so much happier because of that. Thanks for sharing this... it made me find something within myself.

Beautifully Complex said...

Wow, I really needed to read this today. So very insightful. I found you accidentally when I read your comments on another site about hair weave & followed the link. I have been divorced for 2yrs after 10 years of marriage & this post spoke to me & was very encouraging in many ways. I just got started blogging again, but I spend most of my time reading others. Thanks for sharing such a deep part of you.

Mizrepresent said...

Wow, i so understand this...2 years divorced, but finally finding my way around the single life...feeling more free than i ever felt, want somebody, but don't need nobody, but it would be nice to have a friend. That was so cool!