Ok! So I was reading my one of my favorite blogs a few weeks ago and her post, like many of her post, touched on something I wanted to blog about. The blogspiration is shared from reading her blog and Babs Walters recently revealing her affair with a MA senator so long ago that if they had a child it would be old enough to be somebody’s grandparent.
Anyway, Barbara’s revelation got me to thinking and then Sister Toldja’s post got me to develop that thought. I’ve never been a woman who looked for other women’s men, however they always seem to be looking for me ( I think this is true for most women) and because this blog is semi-anonymous I won’t really go all into my sorted personal business too deep. I think my mom may read this and I KNOW my Godmother does occasionally, if you are either of those women or friends of those women, please skip all the way through this to the part of the blog and begin where it starts with "Be EZ". I must warn you if you choose to read this is about to be what is called Real Talk! I told you this blog is about it all the good, the bad, and well you know the rest! I try to give the full picture of myself if nothing else when I write.
The AFFAIR, the Mistress, and the man.
As most of you know I am pretty honest and open about who I am and what I’ve done with in reason. I don’t try too put on to many heirs about who I am and what I will and won’t do, because the one thing I have found in my 35 years of roaming that anything can happen. And while I don’t expect there will be a day where I am walking around yelling at the top of my lungs “Momma I smoked the TV!!” I will not sit here perched a top a HUGE box of Tide doing cape swirls with my cloak of self-righteousness about too many things.
When I was younger I had all kinds of what I would and wouldn’t do’s and I wish a negro woulds, but lets just say some of those things all so confidently KNEW I wouldn’t not do, I have not only done. Some of those things I am STILL doing and loving every minute of it. I mean you name it from sexual positions, you want me to put my foot where?, to sexual partners ,I would never let him get it, , from food, I don’t do sushi, from only dating men 2 or more inches taller than, girl he is too short to go out with me. I have learned to eat my words. Lets put it this way I love sushi and my ex was 3 inches shorter than me. In an effort to keep some decorum I won’t comment on the other stuff I mentioned up there. Like I said I have a laundry list of nevers that turned into maybes and hell yeahs! Hell even Oprah said she smoked crack once and I’m telling y’all that is on my least likely things I’ll ever do list, but I ain’t saying NEVER, because you know THE MINUTE you do…
Anyway, if you use those examples as your basis then I will say it would be fair for you to make the assumption that I have been the mistress of a married man or two (or probably more, cause I’m sure I’ve dated a man who had a wife and didn’t tell me). I have been the “other girl” to a man with a significant other a time or two as well (again I invoke the same maybe 10 or 20 rule here, as it seems many of us, men and women, apply what she don’t know won’t hurt us rule to many of our relationships). And I will even go ahead and let you presume that I have been those things knowingly a few times in that lot.
Now, just because I have been all those things doesn’t mean I plan on being any of them again or I thought it was ok to be any of them in the first place, but what I think it means is that for what ever reason we all get caught up. I think every woman has her weakness, maybe she can stand firm in never dipp in another’s cookie jar, but perhaps she just walks around doing dirt in other ways. Who knows? How can a smart, intelligent, self-assured woman get caught up with Somebody Else’s Guy? I think that answer is simple.
First, I would like to say I have walked in each pair of these women’s Jimmy Choo’s, the mistress, the other girl, the wife, and the girlfriend. I would like to think because of this my perspective is one from all sides. I have always been level headed in my expectations, or should I say I have lived with no expectations while being the mistress, other girl, and girlfriend. I must be honest and say as the wife I EXPECTED but not really when it came to fidelity. I know thats odd but that's me. I have never expected that, not sure why. However I should say for the most part I have received fidelityin most of my relationships, but not always.
The answer is there really isn’t anything as I am too pretty to be second or I have more self respect than that. The answer really lies in what your needs are as a woman. I know and have know for quite sometime that I can have a man on whatever level I chose, as a friend, friend with benefit, boyfriend, or husband. Maybe not the exact man I may chose but a man. I actually believe that all women can, but that is a debate to have in another blog.
With that being said I have never been a sit around and wait for my prince charming to come kinda girl, I have been a move around and bump into someone that seems cool for me to kick it with kinda girl. I don’t have these long lists of what my man can and can not be and I don’t have a vision board with men in suits and abs of steel posted in my room or filed in a mental folder marked husband.
Not to say that I have always been like this, let’s just say a life of dating, marrying and divorcing gives a woman a different perspective on life and love. My requirements for a man are simple and have been for quite sometime, someone that I enjoy spending my time with. I don’t need him to make as much or more than me, I don’t need him to have job that requires a white collar, advance degree, or expense account. I don’t even need him to take me on a date and pay for me. I mean all those things are nice but when we talk about needs vs. wants. All I need from a man plain and simple is to be able to fully and wholeheartedly enjoy his company, if things are real good that would be BOTH mental and physical, but sometimes those two things are mutually exclusive with some men. Again another blog for another day!
So back to Ms Walters and her disclosure of her affair with a black man from Massachusetts, I think often for women who are ambitious an affair is the perfect vehicle to operate a relationship from. Men, despite what they say require a lot of time and ego boosting. I am not at all saying what she did was right or what I have done was right I am saying the dynamic is not that of your typical mistress/some other woman’s husband relationship. I know when I had the affair I had it was because it allowed me to get lost and be a woman in those few times we were together. His wife had deal with all those nasty realities, that as someone else’s ex-wife, I wasn’t that good at. I liken being a mistress to visiting New York, it’s a fun place to visit but you don’t want to LIVE there.
Well, I was happy being visited because that allowed me all the other time to live. When I was married I caught my ex-husband in his little trysts, and I totally wasn’t mad at him for that. My life motto has been shyt happens... deal with it. I was mad at his smug attitude and trying to blame me for his choice. Had he come at me truthfully and said I made the choice maybe we could have worked it out. I know when I had my affair I always said if his wife ever called me up, ala Woman to Woman, I would agree I was wrong apologize and stop the relationship. I mean eventually I did stop the relationship because he, as so many men do, wanted to have a wife and girlfriend too. To many of you that might seem odd. I was not his girlfriend. To me a girlfriend is beholden to her boyfriend a mistress is not. A mistress is a single woman who is dating people and one of those people is a married man, she may even be sexually monogamous to that person, like I was, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t free to date and even leave her married man for a single man and become the single man’s gal.
Anyway, I was happy being a mistress; I never demanded any time I only took time he had. I never asked or wanted him to leave his wife. Hell he was the one wanting to leave her and I was the one asking him why and praying he didn’t. I know it sounds a bit woe is me to be saying this, but I didn’t want him to confuse our weekend romance with nuts and bolts of love (what I call the day in, day out kinda love). I think I know why Barbara shared her adulteress past with us, I think it was to let us know she is human and for women like myself to stop beating ourselves up about sometimes making the wrong choices. It is clear that Ms. Walters didn’t set out to destroy any families and I am glad that someone who has such a reputation had the guts to admit a wrong doing. I mean after all no one really cares, I mean other than Star Jones and don’t even get me started on that woman.
I mean her even sharing her story has allowed me to kinda come out and share this story, something very personal and hard to own up to, but life is gray and the older I get the grayer it seems to become, no pun intended. I think that is what I want anyone reading this to remember.
I think when I was younger I saw life a lot more black and white and pretty much everything I have stood on my soapbox ranting about while twirling my cloak of self-righteousness about I have had to re-evaluate. And I wouldn’t change it for the world!!
Ok this is enough honesty for a lifetime of blogs, back to the light stuff. I’ll be drinking Vanilla Stoli and Ginger Ale all weekend while watching Season 2 of Weeds, and standing in line to see SATC!! So expect some fluff next week people and maybe a few stories about the people at the movies! *lol*