Sunday, April 20, 2008

Who AM I?

Well I am 35. And in my road to 35 I have come to the conclusion, not to sound divine, but I am that I am. I’m just me, I am not black, female, Texan, tall, smart, pretty/ugly(that’s in the eye of the beholder, but I like to think I’m easy on the eyes), or fat/skinny (again, that’s in the eye of the beholder, but I could stand to lose a few lbs). I am me. And who I am has nothing to do with my physical make up, my lineage, or where I come from. It has to do with the soul inside. It doesn’t have to do with the thoughts and things I associate to being me, it has to do with being aware that those thoughts are not me but my mind’s projection of me.

Not until recently, did I realize that when God told Moses “I Am that I Am” in response to Moses asking who should he tell the Israelites He was, how much that phrase related to me. I mean after all, He did create me in His image. So everything He is, is replicated in me. He created everything and I am one with everything He created. The Buddhists call it Zen. It’s the reason that I was disgusted (now I just feel sorry for those people) by people who believe they are better than others for arbitrary reasons. Its part of the reason I am uncomfortable with excessive praise, something that was recently pointed out to me by someone who is extremely close to me. The minute you latch on to whatever it is that you think makes you better, class, education, degrees, intelligence, race, gender, economic status, is the minute you lose yourself. You are no longer you, your essence. You think you are those things. And as we know all things fall away. I am, and now that I fully understand that, I feel I will have peace no matter what surrounds me. Peace and happiness are within me, I was created with that in tact.

Recently, I wrote about my journey to me and my realization of how all the things and trappings in life can not and do not define me. It has been one that I have been on since I turned 30. I think that is why 30 is a big milestone, it’s a time in life where we, well most of us, transition into what I call being GROWN, you know as opposed to just being an adult. Monday I finally got around to reading Tolle’s A New Earth, I’m about half way finished. I was amazed and astonished that he had put into words what I had been doing these past five years. He had given my journey a description and me confirmation. I think I had spent much of my life trying to identify myself and find my happiness with external things. You know doing the right things. Living the life I thought I should live based on the people who were already living the life I wanted and what my family thought I should be doing based on who I had presented myself to be. Crazy huh? I know crazy but true. Just sleepwalking through life.

While I realize I have peeled much of this stuff away and I am no longer letting things on the outside define me, I also realize there is still more work to do. But it does feel really good being present in my life. I have never understood the term awakening more than I do right now. I see why so many women enjoy their 30’s and why 30 is the new 20 and all that jazz. I don’t need to do all that. I just realize life should be enjoyed in the present, what has happened in the past has happened and can’t be changed. What is in my future will happen and the only way I can change my future is to live the best present I can. More than ever I am living in the moment and understand one day at a time.

Well I gotta go. Thanks to all of you for all the birthday wishes. For the record, I spent a pretty quiet 35th birthday in Boston. It was fabulous. I will be going home for the weekend on Thursday, and I plan to party and celebrate life, not just turning 35, when I get home. If you are in the H I hope to see you there, Identity Bar on Friday. Sorry I don’t know what the cover is, but I’ll be there. Have a good week and as always

Be EZ,

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