I think that in these modern times being a modern woman many people peg me all wrong. The thing is that I might be an I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T woman, but I am so old fashion when it comes to love. I think because of my strength and my demeanor many people would assume I’m a ball BUSTER extraordinaire, you know Hilary in black face. Actually I am far from that, but what I have realized in my old age it takes a MAN a real man some might even say a REAL NICCA (this right here is a WHOLE other blog into itself....what is a real nicca!?!), to truly recognize that if there was ever a more traditional chick in the world when it comes to love, it’s me. I guess that’s probably why I am not in a relationship and only love from a safe and secure distance, also known as from a far. The kind of man it takes to handle me isn’t just sitting around looking for me and even if he was I come in a LOUD OBNOXIOUS SHOW ME Package so you really gotta want to know me to love me.
The thing is I am all about order, but unlike most I don’t assume the fact that you posses a Y chromosome makes you my instant protector. It doesn't give you the know how to protect, bring or restore order to my life or this world. I would love nothing more than to meet a man who would, and most importantly, COULD take care of me. The problem is that I do such a great job taking care of myself many don’t even bother. This is fine with me, one day I hope to find a man that KNOWS he can do it and isn’t worried about his independent dime buying him a Coogi sweater.
I WAS married so I know that men can say they can take care of you and FAIL at it miserably. The thing is this, I am a TOTAL and complete bytch, I can be difficult but really all that is my defense mechanism. It’s so funny you can stop all the bytchiness and difficulties by simply being a man and asking me what is up or telling me to get in line. I have realized that why I understand and crave order and by order I mean Man, Woman, and then child , I need to know that you can take care of me as well as, if not better than, I can take care of myself. The sad thing is there are a few men out there who can and what is even worse is there are more men who can than there are men who actually think they can.
The thing is I have succeeded at most things in my life; however I have yet to succeed at what I would consider a healthy relationship where I was able to trust my man had my back. What is sad is the more successful I get the more I think I won’t be able to find that man and what may be really sad about that is I AM COMPLETELY OK with that. I am totally and completely cool with it. One, I am not a chaser I am southern to the core so anytime a man asks me to buy, give, or be something (as in be something I am not, a sugar momma) I shut down. I have helped a few men out and the thing I find amazing is many men expect that. When did this happen? Now don’t get me wrong I have no problem giving and helping but it needs to be in an effort for us. I can’t take care of you , I mean that my being, my pride, my upbringing won’t let me physically TAKE CARE of you if I love you like that. I guess because I can not respect a man I have to TAKE CARE of like a child. Now that doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to TAKE CARE of my man. The thing is like a child, a child has no intention and really no obligation to take care of you back. That is the thing, Taking Care of an adult means that you feel that if the tables were turned they would indeed repay the favor. That’s the difference if I take care of you like a child the thought of you repaying the favor never comes to mind because if you are a child to my adult you will always be a child. I hope that wasn’t too random.
The other is I am not a maker. I am far too old to create or build a man from a scrap of man.
I am far too old to try to grow or change my man. I read on a blog once this woman said she just needed a piece of man she could do the rest! OMG the idea of that scares me to the core of my being It’s almost incestuous to create a man. I want my man to come with the things I admire and respect then I know who he is IS WHO HE IS. If you “make” him, clean him up, grow him up, then who is the real him ? And more importantly when will the real him show up? And MOST importantly when the real him shows up will you still LOVE him in the morning?
ANYWAY since I believe in order as in the man being the head of the household I have to know, that the man I love can be the head. That doesn’t mean take care of me financially that means make sound decisions for OUR future. It means that I need to look up to him and respect his opinions and who he is, his game plan and what he has planned. I need to know that he is a forward thinker and not a crowd pleaser or follower. I need to feel comfortable giving him MY CHECK (sans a little $$$ for a shoe and a purse here).
The way I do that is be me. I feel like if you can handle me, the me that is out in the world competing with men. The me that is out there making decisions for my household of one, then you can handle ANYTHING the world throws at US. If you can handle me then you get all of me, you get the me that bakes cookies and makes beds, you get the me that brings home big money from corporate America, you get me the shyt talker and me REALITY bringer, you get me the supportive wife and me the wife who says its time to live up to your potential, you get me the wife willing to do whatever it takes to make your dreams a success. You get the me that is not only your better half but YOUR BIGGEST SUPPORTER!!
The problem is I don’t think that lady I just described will EVER get to see daylight. The more I live the more complacent I have become with myself. I’m not saying a companionless life, but I am saying that I’m not willing to settle. I am not willing to live a life out of order as far as being in a real relationship and I am not willing to pretend a one dimensional relationship is anything more than it is.
Some people have taken my thoughts as almost defeatist, but to me they have set me free. I just am not who I use to be. I guess before I was married I never thought about or gave partnerships/relationships much thought or respect. Sometime I wish I could go back to that. It made my existence much easier and much simpler but it also set me on a road for disaster. Since I had never really thought about it I never really recognized its power. A great relationship is ONE of the MOST powerful things in the WORLD!
Now, as a wise old spinster, I have far too much respect for real and true love to play games in a relationship with someone that I didn’t LOVE unconditionally. Sad huh, I mean it really is sad, because feeling that way takes the fun out of dating. Its not about learning about men its about respecting love. I think the male/female relationship and love is a precious gift from God. We have clouded it with all kinds of WORLDLY things and it seems every time we disturb the order which God intended we end up in a WORLD of trouble.
I mean think about it. Adam listened to Eve – Man’s fall from Paradise. Abram (Abraham post Isaac) listened to Sari (Sarah post Isaac) - no peace in the Middle East. I mean it just seems when we MUCK with the order its crazy, but at the same time as a woman we need to be looking for the Adam who would have told us to put that apple down and STOP talking to that DAMN serpent. We need to find the Abraham that would have said LOOK woman God said he would do it and he will, now will you and Hagar go somewhere with all that plotting and scheming. Does that make sense? The problem for me is that man or men like those are few and far between. I mean for some women that man is any man, for me that man is once in a very blue, blue moon.
Ok I’m out enough about order. I wish I KNEW what made me even ramble like this.