Thursday, January 17, 2008

Just something I noticed...and lived

Ok, so today I somehow found myself reading an article about Kimora Lee Simmos and Djimon Hounsou. It was your typical Harper’s Bazaar Hearst publication fluff piece,but what Kimora was saying got me to thinking about when I re-entered the dating world after 6years with my ex and other thoughts I have been having about the difference between men and women in the aftermath of divorce or LTR breakups.

I mean I most certainly don’t look to Hollywood for guidance or confirmation about how I am or should be “Living my Best Life”, but I do think that Hollywood is nothing more but a microcosm of what is going on in the world. I mean really it is, Brittney isn’t the first woman to go crazy after her man left her. Anyway the thing about Kimora that stands out is how she talked about NOT LIKING the dating thing!! I can totally relate. The other thing that I have noticed, in both my own personal life and the lives of the rich and famous, it almost ALWAYS takes the woman considerably longer before she settles down in another LTR or gets married.

I have a theory as to why. My thought about men who marry is this. Men marry because they have made a decision to retire from the pimp game. Generally most men I know got into the marrying frame of mind and then got married to the first woman who met all the wifey criterion. This DOESN’T always happen. Sometimes there are women who CHANGE a man or show a man a new life, but this mostly happens in movies, usually movies written by women.

Women pretty much are born wanting to partner up, NOT ALL WOMEN (because lord knows I didn’t think that would be me. Never thought I was wife material, whatever the hell that is?). There goal in life is to find a man who has made that decision, and then BINGO, JACKPOT, YOU GET TO BECOME MRS. JACKSON, Ms. Jackson if you’re independent wit’ it. Anyway, as I was saying I think for men its not so much who they are married to or are with as having someone to be with. I think with women when LTRs and Marriages don’t work out we kind loose our belief in the fairy tale. You know we wake up from this dream and since I think women put way more emotion into marriages (at least in the beginning) we tread very lightly before jumping back in. The heartbreak and devastation is often life altering even if the love wasn't.

It has been proven that the happiest, healthiest and longest living creatures on this planet are married men. There are countless studies that show the many benefits of being a married man. There are also countless studies that talk about married women being some of the least happy creatures in this world, and especially so if the marriage is not what they signed up for.

So it makes total sense to me that while Eddie was almost immediately partnered up with his beard extraordinaire now pseudo ex wife, Tracey, Nicole has dated several men none for an extended amount of time. Or as Nick LaChey and Vanessa (I think that’s her name I don’t know) are living together and decorating trees Jessica is on her fifth boyfriend. Or as Russell seems to be settling in with his please distract them from my homo tendencies plaything Kimora has taken a minute before she settled in with her new HUNK of a man. I really think women have far more emotional recovery from LTR break-ups than men, especially if you are a traditional type chick who is use to letting men run the show and show you they WANT YOU.

I definitely believe in letting a man decide, but men are notorious for being plug fillers, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER. They aren’t necessarily in love with the uniqueness that is you as they are with how you fit in their world, so it’s much easier for them to interview and find a new replacement for the last chick that didn’t work. I think women are looking for something more than a space filler to keep time with after the heartbreak, break up, betrayal, revelation or whatever it was that ENDED the relationship.

OK now I am totally speaking for me, for me I can NOT get around all the things I want. I think that early in life women learn to settle and we keep that momentum going. He’s not that cute but he’s this or he’s not that but its ok he makes me smile. What I realized is its not hard to find someone for you and the real trick to things is has he made that decision yet, you know to retire his pimp cup. Some men NEVER make that decision, so you are forced to settle if you can’t stand hanging in there. However some men do.

At this point all I know is I’m not settling. I’m not liking because he like me or growing to love. None of that if it turns out he ISN’T what I want then we will be friends and I will move on, I wish I would have come to this revelation YEARS ago, but alas I didn’t.

I’m out, maybe next time I talk about race, religion, or politics. That seems to get peoples juices flowing!! Anyway…

Be EZ,


Renee said...

Damn girl... I've missed your blogs, way too insightful... so I wonder what do we as women do to make it benefit us as well... is that something on the front end? during the relationship?

renee said...

so great to see you come by! Girl, you need to update include the information about how Tracey would not sign a pre-nup... I know its bad to read but its too hilarious guilty pleasure that is probably sending me to hell...

Forever Kelz said...

You definitely hit the spot with that one. I too miss your insightful blogs. I can admit to settling for some things in my relatinship, but I also feel like I never quite fit into that perfect position for my husband, just because I'm constantly redefining myself. But, I come to realize that he loves that about me. Or maybe that is just what I think, lol! Who knows? Anyway, I wouldn't recommend anyone just settling, how about changing the list. You see we all have this list of things that we want to have in a man, but maybe the man you're interested in doesn't fit the requirements. So, I guess we may need to adapt the list, but atleast keep to the minimum standards.

Sister Girl said...

Ms Lady,

I couldn't have said it any better than you did, and I'm 12 year post-divorce !

Often I try to open my heart to give again,but once you find out that "iron is hot" because you were told..but you just HAD to touch'll never forget. But I always try to remain optimistic that someday/perhaps that someone will enter my world.

However,I'm enjoying my life as it is...completely DRAMA-FREE & doing it MY way (and that's a sweet feeling).