Thursday, November 25, 2010

Non-Thanksgiving Things

Since its still Thursday and this holiday has other shit on my mind. I'm at what should be one of the happiest points of my life and I am feeling real unthankfu and I know it. I mean don't get me wrong but I'm thankful for so much and I have so much more than I ever dreamed of in my life, both materially and spiritually, but emotionally. Emotionally, I feel like I'm lacking, like I'm missing a piece, like I'm unbalanced and well thats what I'm thinking about today.


This sucks for me because really there's nothing I can do about a missing piece but everything. And that pisses me off. I am the capatain of my own mutha fukkin ship and for what ever reason I can't helm this bitch for shit. I make a choice everyday to be happy. And it fuckin pisses me off that some days it doesn't matter what choice I make, I'm sad. However that's life and thats why she really is a bitch. This emotional shit is hard. Nobody prepares you for this. Nobody says make sure you're XYZ, always do ABC. 
There is no repeatable scalable solution for emotional health.
Everyone can tell you how to get smart, a career, some money...no one can tell you how to get love, but you.

Sometimes its hard to be the bigger person and chose your joy. Sometimes its easier to just take the happy. But man that pure joy uncut is just... I don't want to just be happy. I want joy. I want to ENJOY my life and everything about it. I'm sure someone who is downright miserable with his/her life thinks I'm an asshole for wanting to be more than happy with my life but that's why you're miserable in the first damn place. Too busy worrying about what I want to do with my life and not worried about yours. Anyway I'm tired of just being happy and as thankful as I am for it, I need to find my joy in life again. I've seemed to have lost it. 



Be EZ,
OG

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Here we go again...maybe

I probably shouldn’t be sharing this, but here I am putting all my business out in cyber space for people to gawk at.  The fact is that according to my friends, my life is always full of some shit that never happens to anyone but me.  In actuality is seems quite normal and mundane to me, at least it does at the time. Ok sometimes it does seem like some fuck shit* as I’m living it, but most of the time it’s only after I have moved far beyond it that I look back and think how the hell did I get there and let THAT happen, but that’s life. Isn’t it?  I mean I have always felt my life, littered with it's random choices, was as it was suppose to be. How else do we really learn to live, love, and laugh? 

I remember a simpler time when I would just come home and write and share way too much information about the machinations that were my life.  I wondered who was reading, but really most of the time I wrote like this was my personal journal.  Writing has always helped. It has always kept me as close to center as girl like me can be. (Truth of the matter is I’ll never be centered way too much fuck shit in my life to ever think I was “normal”) 

The thing is, a demanding career, that I dreamed of but never quite believed would materialize, has taken over my life.  It’s cool because I love it, but it also has pushed out some of the things I really love, mainly writing, especially blogging.  If it were not for Twitter and my ability to share my ridiculous randomness with mostly strangers in 140 bite snippets, I’d probably blog more or be really insane because I can’t make/find/create the time to write.   However like a good mistress, Twitter allows me to engage in fuck shit and commentary on my fuck shit without any real or true commitment to the love of my life, writing. 

Lately I’ve missed her. I’ve missed the way I could play with her and not be tied to rules about how much I could say in an hour.  So I’m here.  I’m here writing way over the limit about absolutely nothing.  I like that, maybe I’ll do it more often and share some of the fuck shit that is my life. Maybe I won’t. I guess I’ll just have to keep living and see what happens.  

Be EZ,
OG

* Oh yeah and just to clarify fuck shit is neither good nor bad  but  is what makes life go. I know it’s so very Zen of me and Oprah and Tolle would be proud of my take on it.  I’m sure of it!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

3 more years to get it right

Ok I'm not going to even address the ridiculously long time it’s been since I posted an original entry. I mean really, I’m way to shame to count up the months. There is only one reason I happen to be putting thoughts to laptop right now (my modern day phrase for pen to paper) and that is because I had a birthday. The one thing I have been doing consistently for the last 5 years of blogging is recording who I was and where I was on or around my birthday. I usually read all my previous birthday posts before I pen the next just to give me some perspective, however this time I didn’t. It wasn’t planned, but since I have a free hour to write uninterrupted and I’ve managed to catch up on all my Sister Toldja, Lauren, and Belle blogs, I thought why not buck tradition and write with out review of my previous birthday feelings. I’ll read what I sounded like and where I was and how I formulated my ideas when I pull all the links to those post for this blog.

I LOVE my birthday. Not necessarily the celebration of it or the hoopla that I usta bring around it in my 20’s. I just love that for me it is a day where I level set and really do a true inventory of the woman I am today and the woman I dreamt I would be 5, 10, 15, 20, 25 years ago. I always say my life is nowhere what I dreamt it would be. And for me that’s a good thing because my life is WAY better. Most birthdays I look at my life and I am happy at where I am for a late 30 something black woman from Baytown, TX. I could be doing a lot worse and still feel better and I could be doing a lot better and feel much worse. That made sense to me.

Anyway I guess for me the biggest change has been around my home life. My big little brother rents a room from me. I haven’t had a roommate (or housemate in this case) since before I was married. For those who would like to do the math I moved in with my ex-husband in 00. Anyway I love living with my brother its comfortable and our relationship as adult siblings is more of friendship than kinship. We are more alike than not. Its sometimes scary for me though, because my mom and her brother lived together when my mom was the same age I am now. I remember because I was a kid back then. Its nice to have someone who gets you. Most of the time I don't pull the big sister card on him, but even when I do he gets it. I am totally proud of the man he has become and is trying to become. It is not easy to be the gay man in a southern black family deeply rooted in the homophobic Baptist church from a small town. However he does it with the style and grace,only a butch queen can.

As for my personal growth, I am, and have been for a minute now, on the other side of depression. I have been out of therapy since December and I feel good about how I handle my situations. I feel positive about life and while sometimes I have my bad days, for the most part they are fleeting moments. I think I have fully embraced living for me, which was hard. I have also realized that everything in life is MY choice and I don’t have to do ANYTHING but be black and die, everything else is optional.

There is something freeing about understanding that one doesn’t have to do anything but what one wants to do. It definitely takes resentment out of the picture and it gives me a clear picture of who and what is in my life. If I don’t want to do it, I don’t. There use to be a time where I would still do something, even when I didn’t want to. What part of the game was that? I’m glad I have learned to do me while I can. If I ever get a man, dog, or child I realize I will have to amend those rules a bit, but right now as long as I’m SANGLE …Imma do me until somebody make me want to do them!! PUN INTENDED

I guess another thing is my relationship with TOM A. Those who read read know TOM A and I have a long history together of almost there. We are still friends and probably will always be, however how I look at TOM A and what he wants, or should I say doesn’t want for his life, has changed. I am completely ok with the fact that I love him. I make no apologies for what we are or are not to people. I don’t try to define us. To many folks waste energy trying to define shit, right now in my life I don’t need to define a relationship. I just need to be at peace about it. I can’t worry about anything happiness in the now. I can’t worry about what the world says he should do to make me happy. Only about what I require to make me happy and to be honest I don’t require him to make me happy. Maybe that will change one day and maybe it won’t. Our time together is whatever it turns out to be and I have no expectations of what we will or won’t become.

Lets see what else, this blog is more for me so I can remember what was worth documenting at 37, I apologize for not pushing you personally with some mind shattering thoughts, but sometimes its gotta be about me.

I have managed to spend these last 5 single birthdays pretty well. Well my 32 wasn’t that great newly single not even fully divorced, my 33 was crazy I lost a friend I considered a sister and mostly because she was not on the up and up with me about her actions, 34 To be honest I really can’t remember what happened when I was 34, 35 my career broke wide and that was great, 36 I crashed and burned but got my phoenix on and rose from those ashes. I’m kinda excited about 37. Right now I’m in a real good place mentally, spirtually, and professionally. Next step is to truly get back on my physical grind and take care of my body, after all I only got 3 years to get to fineness that is 40 these days. (I mean really Halle, Stacey, Demi, and the lot don't make it easy for a girl coming up in the age ranks)

Be EZ,

OG

*for those who care here are my blog post from last 5 birthdays!

Glam at 32

Glam at 33

Glam at 34 (I think Yahoo ate it... When 360 died.)

Glam at 35

Glam at 36

Monday, March 22, 2010

Its the REMIX baby

The following is something I wrote in 2006. Blame the #futurehusband Trending Topic on Twitter for why I'm re-posting something that is almost 4 years old.

And to be honest I'm not quite sure I'm still waiting on this man physically. Sometimes I feel he is in my life, he just isn't where he needs to be emotionally (which really means he ain't the one, I'm just letting myself down easily. However love is hard to let go, but not impossible) That is all!

Here it is,enjoy:

April 25, 2006

An Open Letter

This weekend...I decided to do a little soul searching and I asked myself what would I tell the next man who dared to try to love me. This is what I came up with. It was very therapeutic. Not sure if I want to love anyone, however I am learning that sometimes things don't happen when you want them to. I just like flexing my creativity in different ways...hope you like


To the man who will make me love him:

Hey, we don’t know each other yet. I mean you don’t know how much you love the nerdy little things I do. You don’t know that you like the fact that my inside voice and my outside voice only barely differ. You don’t know that you love my outspokenness and the way I have an opinion about every phucking thing in the world. You don’t know you love the way I always seem to let you be you, no matter what. You haven’t felt the comfort of my love yet. You haven’t felt the warmth of my touch and how much I care. You don’t know that you phucking hate my outspokenness and how I have an opinion on everything. You wish you knew how someone so strong, independent, and obstinate to others could make you feel like you are “Da Man” when it came to dealing with things concerning me and you. You don’t know you are the only one to see my vulnerability, tears, and fears. Or that your voice calms all those things.

You don’t know that when I look at you, you can feel my love surround you. You don’t know that you have experienced an ally so strong and a friend so great, that you wake up to check every morning and see if I am real. You don’t know that you make me crazy with desire when I think about you thinking about looking at me. You don’t know that when I look at you that all men will fail in comparison. You don’t know that when you touch me, I am ready to rock that all night.


You don’t know that my love will open up a world that we’ve never known, because it will be different because my love for you will be unconditional, many have experienced my loyalty, my kindness, and my like; but FEW have experienced my love. The only reason I am writing you before this love of ours starts is, I may get cold feet and I may get changed before I meet you. I may decide love is not worth the toll. I may decide that love is not meant for me or that love is only for those who look, act, or live a certain way.

So just in case I forget how alive loving you will be, or I let someone take my ability away, I want you to make sure that you are you. I want you to make sure you don’t change anything about yourself. I want to make sure that you don’t let them change you; because I know that if you remain who you are, there will be no way that I can do anything but love you. If you are you then there is no way that I can’t love you. It won’t matter what the world does to me or how it may make me doubt happiness and all those things people write about, if you are you- I will love you, because I have no choice.

I will have no choice to love you because when I look into your eyes I will know that you were made for me. When you touch me my heart will flutter and my soul will smile. I may put up a front at first, because many will have come to steal the love I have for you from me, but I will know. All I say is just let me be me and love me, because I will recognize you by your love, the look in your eyes, and the warmth of your embrace. . It won’t be easy loving me, but it will be very worth it.

Ok, well I have to go now, I am not sure if we have met yet. I am not sure if I will even like you when I meet you, however I am sure that if you love me just a little perhaps I might give up the armor around my heart and trust you with it, just remember I do all this heart protection because love is life changing and loosing love is gut wrenching, two things that really scare me. I don’t want fear to make me miss you, but maybe it already has. If it hasn’t and you are still around, just lean in, look me in my eyes and say “Monique, just take a chance and trust me with your heart.” I can’t promise I will, but I will try to trust you with my heart and hopefully love you and that is more than I have done in a very long time.


Your love,

The eternal optimist


Be EZ,

OG

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Happy Black Girls Rock Red Pumps!


Today is Happy Black Girl day and National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day (NWGHAAD). In honor of two fine occasions, I post.

HIV/AIDS is an epidemic that is killing women off. Every 35 minutes, a woman test positive for HIV/AIDS in the US. And new statistics show that HIV/AIDS cases in the some parts of US are outpacing Africa. True Story! 1 in 4 Americans living with HIV are women.

What’s even more alarming to me, as a Happy Black Girl rocking her red pump is, is how HIV/AIDS is ravaging my sisterhood. Do you know the statistics for Black women and HIV/AIDS? Well let me share some

HIV is the:

§ Leading cause of death for Black women (including African American women) aged 25–34 years.

§ 3rd leading cause of death for Black women aged 35–44 years.

§ 4th leading cause of death for Black women aged 45–54 years.

§ 4th leading cause of death for Latina women aged 35–44 years.

§ The only diseases causing more deaths of women are cancer and heart disease

§ The rate of AIDS diagnosis for Black women was approximately 23 times the rate for white women and 4 times the rate for Latina women

§ In 2006, teen girls represented 39% of AIDS cases reported among 13–19 year-olds. Black teens represented 69% of cases reported among 13–19 year-olds; Latino teens represented 19%.

And sure I’m sad as a woman that 280,000 of the 1.1 million people with HIV/AIDS in the US are women, but it breaks my happy little Black girl heart that in 2005 Blacks and Latinas accounted for 82% of the estimated total of AIDS diagnoses for women while only making up 24% of the population (based on 2005 census). As much as this Happy Black Girl likes to stay happy, the thought of losing even one Happy Black Woman to HIV/AIDS makes me sad. It makes me want to share my good news.

See the spread of HIV/AIDS is preventable. You see this Happy Black Girl doesn’t need to be sad because other Happy Black Women can be abstinent or use condoms and dental dams when having sex. Most importantly Happy Black Women can get tested and know their status so they will not unknowingly spread the disease to their partners/spouses. Happy Black Women can also rock some red pumps today in honor of National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day.

Thanks to The Red Pump Project and their drive to get 500 blogs to sign up and spread the word and statistics about HIV/AIDS many more women and girls will understand about HIV/AIDS and take the precautions to prevent it from spreading.

You can find out about all the cool things Luvvie & Karyn are doing today and through out the year to raise awareness of HIV/AIDS among women and girls by clicking here. As a Happy Black Girl I am always happy to celebrate the day by big upping Happy Black Girls that are making a difference in our community! Happy Black Girl Day! Know your status.

Be EZ,

OG

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Unpowerful

I spend a good amount of my spare time on the internets (no typo-I love Lauren for this) and I am a people watcher, so this post comes from something yet nothing in particular. Authenticity seems to be something everyone pushes yet is there really a way to tell. I expect almost everyone online to be presenting a version of who they believe themselves to be or who they WANT to be or a mix somewhere between the two. Some people are completely grounded in who and what they are and others are not. What is more worrisome is that many people put us in a choke hold about who and what we can and can’t be, based on who and what we have presented or even worse based on who they believe us to be. They have written our stories before engaging in conversation with us.

It’s worrisome sometimes, because for me who I am is a twirling tornado of nothing but contradictions. I am book who does not indeed match her jacket (notice I didn't say cover). Who I am changes as I gather information on things and develop myself, I believe it is called growing or evolution. As someone who is not concerned with boxes for me or people I meet, the backlash of social media is sometimes troubling. You see, I am some what of a thinker, or at least I believe myself to be. The older I get the less I judge any one, because the longer I live the more I see it’s easy for some things to happen to some people. It by no means excuses wrong, for wrong is wrong, however when we can we should view wrongs in the context of life with lenses of humanity applied. While I am sure there are a handful of things that will never happen to me, they’re also a shit load of things that could happen to me and the only reason they probably didn't was because, like Helen Baylor, I had, and still have, a praying grandmother.

I always remind myself I am not greater or better than anyone and conversely they are no greater or better than me. To me that is where my authenticity lies. I am unapologetically the best me I can be today, some days I’m better than others and well that is just life. I got into this habit in my late 20’s of questioning my hate/love for things. You know playing the devil’s advocate of why I believe things I do, who told me what I believe and what was their agenda for sharing, what things I believe come from MY experience, why do I think this about that. I started asking myself are there facts to support my views or is it just something I believe because someone I know, love, and/or respect told me it was so. When I come up with my opinions of something they are usually thought out, but always up to be changed. I do not ever want to be as static as someone who believes what they believe and does not want to hear opposing views. I don’t want to believe that we can change folks by not listening to or trying to understand an opposing view. The minute any one tries to “help” some one with out loving/listening to who that person with the differing view is the minute we lose.

It’s the minute we become preachy to that person. It’s the minute we assume a “my way is the best way” posture. And it’s hard for me to look at people do this to others while it’s being done to them. We are often caught in a world where we as blacks are both oppressed while we oppress those with in our communities. Oppression is a slippery slope where those being oppressed become so happy to oppress someone else that we forget the sting of oppression. However oppression is power and nothing feels as good as power to those who were kept from power & liberation. I see it everywhere. I see it between black men and women, black educated and black uneducated, black upper class and black lower class; actually I see it in all black errythang. We are so busy trying to tell others what they need to do we can’t even give America a collective voice that says she in fact is the one who needs to shape up. We are so busy in fighting with out listening. Pointing fingers at others and pulling skeletons out of closets that we fail to have healthy dialogue to move us forward. When something is touted as wrong or bad we are so quick to jump on the “do better bandwagon” that we are shouting at people from our glass penthouses and diamond encrusted Tide boxes instead of listening to the hows and whys of how people got to where they were and offering healthy solutions in a dialogue.

Nope we are quick to hop on what ever is selling to make a buck, instead of listening to why people are doing what they are doing and being who they are being. We are not listening to one another. Some of us believe that black is a monolith except for us, you know we are always the exception. “They ain’t talking bout me!”

We have opted to stay disjointed and because of THIS we stay unpowerful, not powerless, as a race. We’ve abandoned “Each one Teach one” and have moved to “This shit is all YOUR fault”. It’s problematic and worrisome and human all at the same time.

Of course I don’t know how to fix it. I barely even know how to address it. Maybe y’all can help me out here.

Be EZ,
OG

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Priorities & Options

Again you all have a fabulous blogger to thank for this wonderful post today. I was over reading this on (not)Happy about this, one of the few blogs my work lets me pass my time reading. Her blog is really about that space the space between "Hey how you doing? My name is" and “I want you to be my gal/woman/or whateva is hot in the streets to call your lady these days”
This is such a long and complex and deep subject I’m gonna try to really edit this post, so my points don’t get lost in fervor I have for this topic. I could talk, preach, scream all day on this ish right here. Really Imma try to edit this down so it’s not such a daunting read. No Promises. Here we go.
No matter where you are in a relationship there are a few rules to that should help you survive period.
Never make anyone a priority that makes you an option
This is my favorite and the primary rule that I live by. When you first meet someone and you are dating they are just an option in life. I mean you can chat with them, wash your hair, go out with them, wash your clothes, hang out with them, wash your dishes, have sex with them, wash your va-jay-jay all interchangeably, just depends on when they catch you.
As you can see in my world there’s a whole lot of washing going on when I’m not dating. You can also bullshit with your friends, play on twitter, write a blog, or listen to the sounds of your breath (breathe in, EXHALE out…never wait to exhale never) with your dating options. That’s really all up to you.
Anyway as you spend time with someone you like and you’re in the same place romantically well the actions of BOTH of you will change. I mean if you find yourself making more of an overall effort than the other guy, then you are making an option a priority.
If you find yourself not doing other equally as fun things with out old boy, yet he seems to be doing all kinds of equally as fun things with out you, well you’ve made your option a priority.
I think this works for both sexes, but I’m not a man, so I can only speak from what I see out my window.
Here’s a story I’m sure some women may know too well:
Boy meets Girl A. Boy and Girl A like each other but both Boy and Girl A don’t want a relationship. Boy and Girl A casually date. Boy and Girl A like each other and before you know it Boy and Girl A are almost living together. Meanwhile boy meets Girl B and things change with Girl A. Girl A ask boy wassup? Boy tells Girl A utter bullshit and continues to see if he likes Girl B more. Then either Girl A finds out about Girl B= drama. Girl B finds out about Girl A= drama or Boy moves on and marries Girl C, the girl that basically said if you wanna play in this sandbox you better come correct and promptly removed her toys and left the sandbox once when she realized he was playing with every letter in the alphabet.
Sure there are variations on this story and trust in my life I have been EVERY letter of the alphabet. The best solution to all of this would have been to have a real honest talk. Listen to the answers and if they don't match up well don't make excuses. Women love to make excuses when men's words and actions don't match up. He's confused, he doesn't know its too soon. ; This leads me to my next rule, men should covet you.
Men should covet you!
My dad told me a long time ago as a young girl, if you gonna be a hoe make sure you’re the BEST damn one around. If you ain’t got men lining up around the corner to pay for it, then you ain’t doing your best!* True story. He also told me that nothing can scare or stop a real man for asking for what he wants, including his feelings of ambivalence about you.
Here’s a story from MY LIFE.
My ex –hubby, HR, and I dated casually for a long time, mostly because I wasn’t sure he was the one (talk about not following one’s right mind). I mean HR was nice, he was sweet, he worshipped me, and he took me on dates. However I was not interested in trying to be his gal, when people would ask I would say he’s just a friend *cue Bizmarkie*. Until one day he was just fed up and started a conversation about dating with me and my roomie at the time. I knew why he did it. I engaged and basically said if a man wants me to be his gal, he needs to open his mouth and say so. I do not read minds nor do I assume from actions that a man likes or wants me to be his girl. I only go from what IS SAID to me (and yes I know a lot of jerks LIE to get the p*ssy. How 7th grade is that)
The next hour (ok the next time we were alone) HR said well um I want you to be my gal. And I straight Juelzed him, I was like no thanks I don’t wanna be in a relationship right now. And had HR been smart, he would have left my non-committal luke warm for him ass RIGHT THEN!! However he didn’t he stuck it out and was my friend and then my dad died and he was there to wipe my tears and the rest was history. Problem is I was never fully committed to him, he was just an option I chose to exercised. I mean I just recently looked at my wedding photos and my face says it all. I scoured for that "he is my priority" look in my eyes, but it really wasn’t in any of those pictures. I mean I was happy, but even then it didn’t read HE IS MY PRIORITY in my eyes. I know many men both married and divorced who had the same looks in their eyes when they got married.
Anyway the moral of that was HR asked me. Even though he dilly dallied around, he asked me once he found out that was what I was expecting, to be asked. He did it. If a man sees you are still living your life as a single woman, which I think EVERY MAN you are not exclusive with should both see and feel. If he wants you to SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN, he will ask and some men will tell you. Point blanks no matter how he feels. If he doesn't say that he wants you to be his woman, that should let you know where you are in his life, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the station or it won't change, BUT JUST BE AWARE. I’m not ready for love means just that, please KNOW you and your self proclaimed magical p*ssy will NOT change his mind about you being his girlfriend. Sorry ladies it does not work that way. Your cooking won’t change his mind, your caring for him and loving him won’t change his mind. There is one thing out there that might change a man’s mind if he’s unsure on commitment (and not just unsure on you) and/or save your life if he ain’t shit. And that my friends is YOUR ABSENCE (it can make a heart grow fonder if there’s something there), which leads me to my next point, moe around.
Move Around
That’s right girls, I am the queen of MOVING THE PHUCK AROUND. At the sign a dude is going some ol' shady ish. I simple just disappear. Like I know a few things like Karate, and Karazy and Karackhead. I also know when a man acts flaky with you just move around. And please don’t announce it like the lames who announce they are unfollowing people on twitter. Just do it. If he can’t give you what you want and he can’t love you how you want to be loved after you have expressed this in your four page letter sealed with a kiss, MOVE THE PHUCK AROUND!!!! One of two things will happen when you do this, the dude will see how wonderful and great his life was with you and get it together and come at you correctly (However sometimes he should stay gone. Sometimes your lot in life is to make a man a better man for another woman. I’m still waiting on HR’s new wife to send me some kind of thank you gift or card or something. Oh well *glamazonshrug*) The other perk of movin around is you will actually do just that. You will live your life and find out after the suck of another peen biting the dust that there is probably someone out there better for you and that someone is YOU ! The realist in me must tell you this is probably what WILL happen when you chose to move around in a weird situation, because a lot of men are full of shit, but to be honest a lot of WOMEN are also on some bullshit too when it comes to relationships, me being one of them. I’m pretty sure the man that gets me to act like I know is gonna have to really just charm the shit out of me way past liking him and all that biz. He probably gonna have to get me on some of that date for 8 years shit. And I’m pretty sure we will be perpetually engaged. Blame my father, I do. All that puts me at my final point of this post, do you.
Do You
The number one thing we all need to remember male and female that we can NOT love anyone until we LOVE ourselves. That’s it. Point Blank. I mean as you may have seen in my previous post, I’ve spent sometime on the couch and wella I know this to be the healthiest mental mindset out there. (Just so you know my Therapist pronounced me healthy and whole at the end of 2009, until I feel unbalanced again Imma ride with her diagnosis) How you feel about ANY situation should be the main contributor to any decision you make about your situation. If a situation does not feel right to you NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS you do what’s right for you. If a situations feels right to you NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS you do what’s right for you. I mean I live a very unorthodox life period. Men, women and dogs don’t get how or why I live my life like I do, but I like it. I’m sure some would call it #hoshit others would call it random or weird or masculine, however I don’t care what anyone calls it or says about it ONLY HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.
That is what thousands of dollars of therapy have given to me, the freedom to be completely secure in the odd ball that I am. I am who I am and what I am and I will not apologize for not conforming. I do what I want to do, when I want to do it, with whom I want to do it with and sometimes I do it WHERE I want to do it. You can judge you can turn your nose up, you can make jokes you can laugh, but since you ain’t paying nary bill in my house and most certainly aren’t drying my tears I really don’t care. And you can even give me an opinion on my life I will smile and take it review it and I may even use some of your pointers IF they work for me, however whatever you have to say about me and my life and my happiness is just that to me, something YOU said. Not gospel, not law, not anything but unsolicited advice. Now if I’m not happy of course that’s a different ball game, but you gibronies smell what I’m cooking.
So with that I am done. I bid you farewell and wish you much fun. And as always
Be EZ,
OG
P.S.- I’ll be taking questions in the comment section until I post again feel free to converse with or with out me. Please tip your bartenders. Thanks!
* This has NOTHING to do with my point or this post other than to let you know what kind of real talking man helped RAISED ME! and to shock the shit out of you. However things like that got his point across to me early, which was basically be the best at what ever you do and I will be proud of that no matter what it is. Along with the advice on men.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

My Personal Haiti

I think the one thing Haiti has done for a lot of people is put there lives into perspective. I mean really, if you are young or in the middle of a big growing pain something like Haiti helps put your problems in check real quick. I can not tell you how many tweets about Haiti I have seen that say before Haiti I complained and thought about the minutest shit. For some they have had a fairly good life, a life that can't comprehend the devastation and despair that is now front and center on their TV screens. A lot are not people who have had what I would call their personal Haiti. I mean after all many of us have been in the place Haiti is right now emotionally. We have had our worlds shaken to the core. For some it was losing a parent or close loved one (through death or divorce), for others it was just the overwhelming weight of your life sitting on an unstable foundation and for others it was being a the brink of deaths door (by your hands or someone else's).
And as someone who has been so sad and felt so alone and close to giving up, the strength and determination of the Haitian people makes me cry with admiration. It makes me proud to see how the people of the first recognized black Republic DO NOT DIE. After all the Diaspora is strong especially those on this side of the Atlantic. Descendants of the fittest of the slaves who mange to reach the shores of the new land. Haitians are strong in spirit and I feel their hope as much as I see their despair in the streets. Survival has become synonymous with Haitian to me, as I watch stories of people who are being pulled out the rubble days after recovery specialist expected to find life, defying the rules/laws of nature. Their will to live should serve as an inspiration to any one going through anything emotional right now or who has ever survived a core rattling event in life.
I remember being buried in the rubble of my life, thinking that I could dig myself out, not even thinking I should ask for help. I remember thinking I have been in rubble before and got out, never mind this rubble was the equivalent to being under a collapsed hotel. I remember thinking I got a stronghold and a leg up only to fall back into the pile of trash that was once my life. I remember thinking it was better to just die than to try and get out the rubble. I remember thinking it would be easier because the task at hand, saving myself, was one I was just to tired to do, not once thinking to scream for help.
However one day after a very intense day, a day that I sat in my car and thought, as watch the garage door close, "if I don't turn off the car right now I could die and this, this horrible useless worthless feeling would go a way I would go away. hmmm". Wow that looks more horrible when I type it out. I mean I assure you it was a fleeting thought, like running down options to buy a good pair of black pumps. Not dramtical (yes I know that's not a word) and Lifetime movie like. However it still was a suicidal thought. And for me having that thought, like a real I should just end it thought made me decide I needed to ask for help. Man, I remember crying and feeling like a failure. I remember thinking how foolish I would look to my friends and family, I mean I had been "acting" fine all this time all these months. Now they were going to see I was weak and I needed some one to fix my head. They were going to judge me as crazy or even foolish because of the trigger event that sent me into the tailspin. I just cried. I never cry, I was raised by a man who raised my like a man in many aspects and one of those was crying was for the weak. However even if I didn't have a bout with depression I would soon start crying, thanks to my hormones.
I remember telling my best friend, Mandy, I'm crying right now telling you about this. I dunno know it just seemed like telling her was the hardest thing I had to do. I felt like I had failed her and now here I was looking foolish over "this" of all things. Over everything she had seen me go through in my life, I mean everything. She had watched me bury my father, get married, get a divorce, leave one home and build another, and even move to a city with out knowing anyone there. Now, she was seeing something as simple as "this*" break me down to my core. Break me so hard I needed help. I just felt silly, for crying, for letting my life get there and for not being strong enough to course-correct. One day I'll blog on being strong and what it doesn't get you (AB4AD).
Her response was the best and exactly what I needed, she said she was glad I was getting help and sometimes we need help. And to be honest "I'm glad to know you are human and have feelings. We can't all be superwomen all the time." After that it was like I could see the daylight outside and I could hear the rescuers outside to help me. What a relief. I'm so glad I chose to shout out through the rubble of what was my life and ask for help. I was so relieved after I knew I was gonna get help that I actually felt a change immediately.
Really to be honest what triggered my depression was so deep and wrapped up in my childhood it blew my mind. I was sitting here thinking "this*" was the trigger when in reality he had to do with some unresolved Daddy issues, that I wasn't FULLY aware I had until I started peeling the layers with my therapist. The work I did with my therapist to be able to cope and deal with things that for most of my life I never dealt with or even thought I had issues with was instrumental in me pushing forward to this next new phase in my life. I've said this before many years ago, growing hurts. I'm convinced it is why we do most of it as children because it physically hurts and mentally hurts. Eventually the physical stops, oh but the mental growth should continue, well in my opinion.
Before therapy bad shyt would happen to me and I would deal with it, but I wouldn't emotionally process it. Meaning I would create a plan on how to deal with whatever happened, you know a plan B, but I would never feel about that situation or even address I felt some kinda way. I'd just be like ok so we're not going to be married any more. That means I should figure out how we are gonna split assets, when should we file, what will we share.... I never felt oh my God I am a failure at this. I can not manage to chose someone to spend my life with. I can not love someone unconditionally. I have lied to God. I mean that's what I felt... failure.
Unfortunately I think what I did often happens in the black community. We have been told and designed to well "get over it" for lack of better phrase. Not necessarily process it, but get over it. Or we don't want to feel the emotion, because we don't want to be labeled as a victim or weak or crazy. Well I take that back maybe not the black community but my personal local black community. Many of us just think going to a therapist means we are crazy. Again my personal local black community.
I don't know in these days in times I think its best that you just ask for help whenever things feel wrong. There are so many people out there waiting to help you dig out your rubble. Sometimes you don't even need professional help; I was the kind of person who never asked friends for anything, while giving everything. And not because I don't have friends that will help me out and do for me, but because my mom and dad raised me that you can only truly depend on yourself. However through this episode in life I have learned to open my mouth when I'm hurt even if it means others are not comfortable. I have learned that no man is an island. (I have this urge to quote Andre 3k here...Peninsula maybe// It makes no sense, I know crazy// Give up all this pussy cat that's in my lap//No lookin' back// Spaceships..." Every time I say/type/think no man is an island, that verse pops into my head.) I do realize everyone does not have the strong support system of friends and family I have, but no matter what you think you have open your mouth and talk about it, cry about it even be a bitch about it, sometimes that can help keep you from slipping.
In hindsight and with therapist help I realized that I had gone through a lot of emotional stress and never released, never really work through all of my issues. And at 36 I'm happy to say that I feel well adjusted and healthy and happy. I love my life. It doesn't mean I don't have those Fuck My Life days. I also now allow myself to feel and cry and be weak, something that was very hard for me to do. Something else uncovered in therapy. I think these days I am much better at being well rounded emotionally. I have learned to take from my friends, because they are interested in a give and take. Real friends want to help as much as they want to be helped. I have learned to cry when I'm sad for as long as I think I need it, not just right before I beat a bytch down. And I have learned most importantly to only worry about what's going on now, more than what went on and what will happen. I mean I have goals and I know my past, but I never let what will or didn't happen completely CHANGE my trajectory, only guide it. I can only live and exist in this moment that is happening right NOW. Not my past a minute ago and not my future in the next second.
That's all I have for today. As I watch the physical pain and suffering in Haiti I feel blessed that my personal Haiti is a Haiti and not a Vietnam. For when I see the Haitian people I also feel the re-birth and renewal I see the hope in their spirits. It's a good feeling and it makes me smile the same way I did when I finished my therapy. You know like a Phoenix from the ashes and all that jazz!
Be EZ,
OG
*- This is the event that triggered my massive depression. Something that I felt should not have made me fall into the depression I fell into. It was in the same vain of a similar depression I managed to pull myself out of. And one I thought I had protected myself from ever going through again.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

In Response to Why Were Not Friends

I just can’t blog in people’s comment section anymore. The following is a response to this post . Lauren is my #twittertwin and if you haven’t checked out her blog you should. She has some good points but I kinda didn’t all the way agree with her post, I went to comment and had so much to say- well it turn into this, my second post of 2010 ( I know Imma lame). So this post really won’t make sense unless you have read her post. It may not make sense even if you do read her post, I'm cryptic that way. Anyway go there THEN read my response in this blog. Please get you some in the comments section (hers, mine, or both). Think of this as a cross over blog post. Enjoy!

My Response to this lovely post

I dunno #twittertwin I think it can be done and done well *brushing my shoulders off* I really don’t get offended in my old age and for the most part I am friends with most of my exes, well besides the BIG EX (the ex-hubby) and that was his choice, not mine. Well kinda mine too, he’s totally not cool enough to let bygones be bygones, which is one of the reasons we split. We really did have irreconcilable differences.

I guess you are saying there should be a certain amount of time before you’re friends with a man that has put it on you, makes sense. I just don’t think it requires another person to come in and knock your back out better, before you engage in the friendship. Then again my pride is the only thing stronger than my libido. I can do all things with a Hitachi Magic Wand that strengthens me.

I am trying to keep in mind how I live and date has never been the norm, I have been known to date men for long periods of time and never once request or think I’m his woman. I’ve dated men and refused to be their lovah. Mostly because I take that whole relationship thing seriously and for me to even want to be a man’s one and only, takes a GREAT movement of the world. My family often jokes how my ex went from being my friend to my fiancĂ©, like there was no courtship period. #truestory

I guess the problem to me is women don’t really know how to enter into the friend zone, maybe its dick whippedness, maybe it’s the longing for the romantic comedy ending, maybe its just pure stoopidness. It’s the same reason I don’t go handing out the he’s my man title to every man that likes to spend time in my face (or spend his time burying his face in me). I mean we really can be friends, until you can be the kinda dude I looking for in man. As a matter of fact as long as you don’t have no issues with me seeing others and quite possibly bedding someone else (safely of course) while you trying to step your game up, we all good. I come from the school of shut that shit down. I think all women ho or angel will tell you if a man is doing what he is supposed to he can shut that outside shit down no matter what his title is. (that’s AB4AD)

Actually me living my love life that way really helps me determine the wheat from the shaft (ha ha ha I said shaft) in love and it really helps you determine the men who should be in my life and the men who shouldn’t (in all capacities). Because if a man is really serious about you and he sees you out there still looking either he will step his game up and tell you he wants you to be his girl and ask you what it takes to be your man or you will know he really ain’t that worried about you and hopefully you will cease and desist with the sweatin’ him and increase the application taking. Or at the least adjust your feeling accordingly. But Imma ho, so what do I know.

Personally I know it can be done, I have put one of best d*cks I ever had on friend zone status and lord it made my p*ssy walls quake to do so. I mean as far as sexual chemistry WOOWZA!! However he was back and forth in his separation with his wife and I didn’t like the way it was making me feel. Then he was demanding that I stop dating other folks while he was trying to date me and still work on it with his wife. GTFOH with that mess… DENEID. So finally one day when he was on the phone with me complaining about me dating others I said, its obvious you can’t handle this arrangement, lets just be friends. He agreed, probably because he thought I didn’t have full control over my loins and would cave. However the one thing my divorce taught me is MEAN what you say and SAY what you mean.

He eventually stopped calling after it was clear that I was serious about being friends and ONLY friends. I believe the last thing I said to him was “Big Dick Bandit*, I told you I am not having sex with you anymore. What’d I say!” And since it was like 3 in the morning when I said that half sleepily in the phone, I’d say he got the point. Once you can’t manage to talk a semi-celibate half sleep always horny for you woman out of her draws at three in the morning, I think you know it’s probably over. And I do miss him sometimes, but not that much. Like I said, my pride beats the p*ssy errytime (ok almost errytime)

I really think you should not be going into a friendship with a man if you think it will take you back down memory lane, however if you are woman enough to do it, go for it. My friendships with former lovers have happened both instantly and on delay, it really depended on the kind of friendship we had before we was doin it and doin it and doit in like LL.

I love for men to put me in the friend zone though because most of them are the ones that can’t handle it. The number one rule is if we’re just friends I will see you when I feel like it point blank period which is different if were dating. SELFISH game on propah! If were dating I take your feelings into consideration. However, at the beginning of an after romance friendship you at ground zero with me, you gotta earn me giving a phuck about your feelings. I mean why should I, you apparently didn’t give a phuck about mine and then you decided we’re over and I should be good with just hanging out until I just get the hint and disappear. Grow a pair!

My rules for an after the love friendships are simple. I pretty much let HIM initiate all contact in the beginning, one that tells me if he is serious about being friends. I usually don’t hang out with him on the first invite either, just another way to tell if he really wants to be friends or he’s just too chicken shit to man up and end it. So far handling the friends thing this way has worked for me. I think before, when I was younger, I took lets be friends as that and was calling and setting up time to hang out hoping it would end like the some movie I’d seen. WRONG WRONG WRONG ! I once told someone that the friendship was on him and I wouldn’t be calling, IMing, or texting unless he text me first. I haven’t heard from that man yet and that was like almost 5 years ago. *lol* Its funny to me now, but its where I learned how to put together a friendship with a man who has seen your phuck face. He and I went back and forth forever (Well I went back and forth, cause in hindsight he wasn’t doing shyt but answering the phone and hanging out with me when he felt like it.)

The key to the friend thang, for me is let the man initiate the hang out time, otherwise you are doomed. Because what happens is YOU call, YOU make the plans, he says sure. THEN something else comes up (the new chick he wants to get on top of) and he bails on you and you feel stupid because you can’t say nothing cause YOU’RE friends and you really just trying to keep your foot in the door. Point blank if a man says he wants to be friends after it’s over, YOU let him do the legwork. I find men don’t just call women they don’t want to spend time with. And hey Imma a cool chick that you might want keep around even if we can’t play the love game together we most certainly CAN watch some stupid shit on TV, listen to the Roots (or even some ignant stuff), and pass the dutch.

It’s tricky to master this friends after lovers thing, because men DO spend time with women they don’t want to spend time with. Face it men are LAZY so if YOU call and they ain't busy and they wanna shoot the shit or pass the blunt with someone who doesn’t have a Y chromosome and hasn't bust the windows out their car, you could be in like flinn. Sadly, that means nothing other than he ain’t got nothing better to do. If you’re doing the calling and making the plans for y’all 's friendevous, then he’s probably just bored and nice. Most men don’t really know how to end it; no guy wants to be the asshole that destroyed your Princess and the Frog dreams.

Trust if a man picks up the phone to arrange anything with you in person (not a late night text or thirst lined phone call) he probably does want to be your friend in some capacity. That capacity can range from date for the office parties to smoke buddy to Bestie, so don’t get ahead of your self. He may also be lonely too, but if you just view it as someone to pass the time with, then you shouldn’t get your feelings hurt when/if the new chick pops up. Don’t mistake those actions for love but it most certainly can mean he wants you in his life as friends. Sometimes being friends is the best space for both of you. I am friends with the ex love of my life and we have been for many many years (like 15 years man). We don’t hang out a lot, we mostly text or IM etc and happy hour occasionally. He is married with kids now, but I call him friend. (He’s in my top five on the headboard banger scale). Anyway I dunno how I got here in this comment section, I think Imma make this a blog post response. I said ALL that to say it can work, but not everybody is grown enough to do it. So boys and girls just listen to Lauren and do it her way. It will probably save you some heartache.

Be EZ,

OG

Monday, January 18, 2010

Service


Well, today is King day and I feel the commemoration of Dr. King’s birthday and the aftermath of the quakes in Haiti are great reasons for me to blog. I warn you now that this blog has not been outlined or even conceived in my head. It’s a straight of the dome blog for me today. I’m stepping in the booth with no paper and just what ever flows outta my heart will be what you read today. Yes folks, Im going Wayne* on y’all today. I’m gonna be all over this blog like “sprankals”!

Service. Service is what I wanna talk about on what would have been Dr. King’s 81st birthday. In my life I believe that service is the foundation of all. I believe that in this life God has put us here to serve/bless others and through service we gain something valuable in ourselves, for in service is freedom. Through unselfishly giving our time, talents, and/or thoughts to help move others forward we propel ourselves light years into the next phase of growth in our life. In service we learn that if we had made a left instead of a right, told someone yes instead of no, or been at the wrong place at the wrong time we could be the one in need of service instead of serving.

In service we learn there is nothing special about us that places us atop our platinum pedestal. We meet people whose stories mirrored ours; great family, great job, great life, and great friends. Stories that mirrored ours until- UNTIL the recession came, until the earthquake came, until the hurricane came, until the levees broke, until it ALL FELL DOWN. In service we realize that life could change for us in a blink of an eye. And because we serve others we not only help others get through their rough times, we teach ourselves appreciation at the most rudimentary level. It is service that teaches us to be grateful. It is service that teaches us to be thankful. It is service that teaches us to hold the ones we love a little tighter and be cheerful while we give to those who looked like us only yesterday. Through true service one will not only serve his/her fellow man they will truly understand how humanity works.

So on this very special day commemorating a man who chose to serve his community and gave his life in service of that community, I ask you to take some time and serve your community today. What am I doing today? you ask. Well, I plan on going somewhere and lending my hands and giving my things to those in Haiti, many who were in need of my service before the quake.

I think in a very non-Pat Robertson way, maybe this earthquake will end up being a good thing for Haiti. Sans all the pseudo religious racist subtext of that phrase when Robertson delivered it, Haiti being on the world stage is a good thing (as long as the worl respects their humanity-which sadly they have not). Haiti should have long been on our minds as black folks** and well, now it is. I wish death and destruction did not have to come, but since they have your attention… now some of us realize how much our Haitian brothers and sisters need our service, needed our service. Perhaps now you know your black history a little better and understand how the formation of the first black republic in the world aided America in her most significant growing pain. The relationship that we as black American share with Haiti is quite an interesting one. Stuff that books are made of, get you one if you don’t know. Perhaps now you not only understand the plight of Haiti, you want to change it beyond earthquake relief.

Or maybe you don’t, maybe you just think it’s the “thing” to do, a way to floss and show that you are on your perch bestowing the have-nots with the remnants of your have (also known as shittin’ on these hoes). If that is you, I pray that at some point while twitpic’ing your donation and letting us know of your benevolence via your FaceBook status you will also GET. A. CLUE.

Happy King Day! Be of good service this day. It will change not only the world, but your world.


Be EZ,
OG


*-Yes I o realize the extreme irony of mentioning Wayne in a MLK post. I’m from the South sue me!

** Everyone really, but I’m not speaking for white people. I’m not white.