Thursday, November 25, 2010
This sucks for me because really there's nothing I can do about a missing piece but everything. And that pisses me off. I am the capatain of my own mutha fukkin ship and for what ever reason I can't helm this bitch for shit. I make a choice everyday to be happy. And it fuckin pisses me off that some days it doesn't matter what choice I make, I'm sad. However that's life and thats why she really is a bitch. This emotional shit is hard. Nobody prepares you for this. Nobody says make sure you're XYZ, always do ABC.
There is no repeatable scalable solution for emotional health.
Everyone can tell you how to get smart, a career, some money...no one can tell you how to get love, but you.
Sometimes its hard to be the bigger person and chose your joy. Sometimes its easier to just take the happy. But man that pure joy uncut is just... I don't want to just be happy. I want joy. I want to ENJOY my life and everything about it. I'm sure someone who is downright miserable with his/her life thinks I'm an asshole for wanting to be more than happy with my life but that's why you're miserable in the first damn place. Too busy worrying about what I want to do with my life and not worried about yours. Anyway I'm tired of just being happy and as thankful as I am for it, I need to find my joy in life again. I've seemed to have lost it.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Ok I'm not going to even address the ridiculously long time it’s been since I posted an original entry. I mean really, I’m way to shame to count up the months. There is only one reason I happen to be putting thoughts to laptop right now (my modern day phrase for pen to paper) and that is because I had a birthday. The one thing I have been doing consistently for the last 5 years of blogging is recording who I was and where I was on or around my birthday. I usually read all my previous birthday posts before I pen the next just to give me some perspective, however this time I didn’t. It wasn’t planned, but since I have a free hour to write uninterrupted and I’ve managed to catch up on all my Sister Toldja, Lauren, and Belle blogs, I thought why not buck tradition and write with out review of my previous birthday feelings. I’ll read what I sounded like and where I was and how I formulated my ideas when I pull all the links to those post for this blog.
I LOVE my birthday. Not necessarily the celebration of it or the hoopla that I usta bring around it in my 20’s. I just love that for me it is a day where I level set and really do a true inventory of the woman I am today and the woman I dreamt I would be 5, 10, 15, 20, 25 years ago. I always say my life is nowhere what I dreamt it would be. And for me that’s a good thing because my life is WAY better. Most birthdays I look at my life and I am happy at where I am for a late 30 something black woman from Baytown, TX. I could be doing a lot worse and still feel better and I could be doing a lot better and feel much worse. That made sense to me.
Anyway I guess for me the biggest change has been around my home life. My big little brother rents a room from me. I haven’t had a roommate (or housemate in this case) since before I was married. For those who would like to do the math I moved in with my ex-husband in 00. Anyway I love living with my brother its comfortable and our relationship as adult siblings is more of friendship than kinship. We are more alike than not. Its sometimes scary for me though, because my mom and her brother lived together when my mom was the same age I am now. I remember because I was a kid back then. Its nice to have someone who gets you. Most of the time I don't pull the big sister card on him, but even when I do he gets it. I am totally proud of the man he has become and is trying to become. It is not easy to be the gay man in a southern black family deeply rooted in the homophobic Baptist church from a small town. However he does it with the style and grace,only a butch queen can.
As for my personal growth, I am, and have been for a minute now, on the other side of depression. I have been out of therapy since December and I feel good about how I handle my situations. I feel positive about life and while sometimes I have my bad days, for the most part they are fleeting moments. I think I have fully embraced living for me, which was hard. I have also realized that everything in life is MY choice and I don’t have to do ANYTHING but be black and die, everything else is optional.
There is something freeing about understanding that one doesn’t have to do anything but what one wants to do. It definitely takes resentment out of the picture and it gives me a clear picture of who and what is in my life. If I don’t want to do it, I don’t. There use to be a time where I would still do something, even when I didn’t want to. What part of the game was that? I’m glad I have learned to do me while I can. If I ever get a man, dog, or child I realize I will have to amend those rules a bit, but right now as long as I’m SANGLE …Imma do me until somebody make me want to do them!! PUN INTENDED
I guess another thing is my relationship with TOM A. Those who read read know TOM A and I have a long history together of almost there. We are still friends and probably will always be, however how I look at TOM A and what he wants, or should I say doesn’t want for his life, has changed. I am completely ok with the fact that I love him. I make no apologies for what we are or are not to people. I don’t try to define us. To many folks waste energy trying to define shit, right now in my life I don’t need to define a relationship. I just need to be at peace about it. I can’t worry about anything happiness in the now. I can’t worry about what the world says he should do to make me happy. Only about what I require to make me happy and to be honest I don’t require him to make me happy. Maybe that will change one day and maybe it won’t. Our time together is whatever it turns out to be and I have no expectations of what we will or won’t become.
Lets see what else, this blog is more for me so I can remember what was worth documenting at 37, I apologize for not pushing you personally with some mind shattering thoughts, but sometimes its gotta be about me.
I have managed to spend these last 5 single birthdays pretty well. Well my 32 wasn’t that great newly single not even fully divorced, my 33 was crazy I lost a friend I considered a sister and mostly because she was not on the up and up with me about her actions, 34 To be honest I really can’t remember what happened when I was 34, 35 my career broke wide and that was great, 36 I crashed and burned but got my phoenix on and rose from those ashes. I’m kinda excited about 37. Right now I’m in a real good place mentally, spirtually, and professionally. Next step is to truly get back on my physical grind and take care of my body, after all I only got 3 years to get to fineness that is 40 these days. (I mean really Halle, Stacey, Demi, and the lot don't make it easy for a girl coming up in the age ranks)
*for those who care here are my blog post from last 5 birthdays!
Monday, March 22, 2010
April 25, 2006
An Open Letter
This weekend...I decided to do a little soul searching and I asked myself what would I tell the next man who dared to try to love me. This is what I came up with. It was very therapeutic. Not sure if I want to love anyone, however I am learning that sometimes things don't happen when you want them to. I just like flexing my creativity in different ways...hope you like
To the man who will make me love him:
Hey, we don’t know each other yet. I mean you don’t know how much you love the nerdy little things I do. You don’t know that you like the fact that my inside voice and my outside voice only barely differ. You don’t know that you love my outspokenness and the way I have an opinion about every phucking thing in the world. You don’t know you love the way I always seem to let you be you, no matter what. You haven’t felt the comfort of my love yet. You haven’t felt the warmth of my touch and how much I care. You don’t know that you phucking hate my outspokenness and how I have an opinion on everything. You wish you knew how someone so strong, independent, and obstinate to others could make you feel like you are “Da Man” when it came to dealing with things concerning me and you. You don’t know you are the only one to see my vulnerability, tears, and fears. Or that your voice calms all those things.
You don’t know that when I look at you, you can feel my love surround you. You don’t know that you have experienced an ally so strong and a friend so great, that you wake up to check every morning and see if I am real. You don’t know that you make me crazy with desire when I think about you thinking about looking at me. You don’t know that when I look at you that all men will fail in comparison. You don’t know that when you touch me, I am ready to rock that all night.
You don’t know that my love will open up a world that we’ve never known, because it will be different because my love for you will be unconditional, many have experienced my loyalty, my kindness, and my like; but FEW have experienced my love. The only reason I am writing you before this love of ours starts is, I may get cold feet and I may get changed before I meet you. I may decide love is not worth the toll. I may decide that love is not meant for me or that love is only for those who look, act, or live a certain way.
So just in case I forget how alive loving you will be, or I let someone take my ability away, I want you to make sure that you are you. I want you to make sure you don’t change anything about yourself. I want to make sure that you don’t let them change you; because I know that if you remain who you are, there will be no way that I can do anything but love you. If you are you then there is no way that I can’t love you. It won’t matter what the world does to me or how it may make me doubt happiness and all those things people write about, if you are you- I will love you, because I have no choice.
I will have no choice to love you because when I look into your eyes I will know that you were made for me. When you touch me my heart will flutter and my soul will smile. I may put up a front at first, because many will have come to steal the love I have for you from me, but I will know. All I say is just let me be me and love me, because I will recognize you by your love, the look in your eyes, and the warmth of your embrace. . It won’t be easy loving me, but it will be very worth it.
Ok, well I have to go now, I am not sure if we have met yet. I am not sure if I will even like you when I meet you, however I am sure that if you love me just a little perhaps I might give up the armor around my heart and trust you with it, just remember I do all this heart protection because love is life changing and loosing love is gut wrenching, two things that really scare me. I don’t want fear to make me miss you, but maybe it already has. If it hasn’t and you are still around, just lean in, look me in my eyes and say “Monique, just take a chance and trust me with your heart.” I can’t promise I will, but I will try to trust you with my heart and hopefully love you and that is more than I have done in a very long time.
The eternal optimist
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
HIV/AIDS is an epidemic that is killing women off. Every 35 minutes, a woman test positive for HIV/AIDS in the US. And new statistics show that HIV/AIDS cases in the some parts of US are outpacing Africa. True Story! 1 in 4 Americans living with HIV are women.
What’s even more alarming to me, as a Happy Black Girl rocking her red pump is, is how HIV/AIDS is ravaging my sisterhood. Do you know the statistics for Black women and HIV/AIDS? Well let me share some
HIV is the:
§ Leading cause of death for Black women (including African American women) aged 25–34 years.
§ 3rd leading cause of death for Black women aged 35–44 years.
§ 4th leading cause of death for Black women aged 45–54 years.
§ 4th leading cause of death for Latina women aged 35–44 years.
§ The only diseases causing more deaths of women are cancer and heart disease
§ The rate of AIDS diagnosis for Black women was approximately 23 times the rate for white women and 4 times the rate for Latina women
§ In 2006, teen girls represented 39% of AIDS cases reported among 13–19 year-olds. Black teens represented 69% of cases reported among 13–19 year-olds; Latino teens represented 19%.
And sure I’m sad as a woman that 280,000 of the 1.1 million people with HIV/AIDS in the US are women, but it breaks my happy little Black girl heart that in 2005 Blacks and Latinas accounted for 82% of the estimated total of AIDS diagnoses for women while only making up 24% of the population (based on 2005 census). As much as this Happy Black Girl likes to stay happy, the thought of losing even one Happy Black Woman to HIV/AIDS makes me sad. It makes me want to share my good news.
See the spread of HIV/AIDS is preventable. You see this Happy Black Girl doesn’t need to be sad because other Happy Black Women can be abstinent or use condoms and dental dams when having sex. Most importantly Happy Black Women can get tested and know their status so they will not unknowingly spread the disease to their partners/spouses. Happy Black Women can also rock some red pumps today in honor of National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day.
Thanks to The Red Pump Project and their drive to get 500 blogs to sign up and spread the word and statistics about HIV/AIDS many more women and girls will understand about HIV/AIDS and take the precautions to prevent it from spreading.
You can find out about all the cool things Luvvie & Karyn are doing today and through out the year to raise awareness of HIV/AIDS among women and girls by clicking here. As a Happy Black Girl I am always happy to celebrate the day by big upping Happy Black Girls that are making a difference in our community! Happy Black Girl Day! Know your status.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
It’s worrisome sometimes, because for me who I am is a twirling tornado of nothing but contradictions. I am book who does not indeed match her jacket (notice I didn't say cover). Who I am changes as I gather information on things and develop myself, I believe it is called growing or evolution. As someone who is not concerned with boxes for me or people I meet, the backlash of social media is sometimes troubling. You see, I am some what of a thinker, or at least I believe myself to be. The older I get the less I judge any one, because the longer I live the more I see it’s easy for some things to happen to some people. It by no means excuses wrong, for wrong is wrong, however when we can we should view wrongs in the context of life with lenses of humanity applied. While I am sure there are a handful of things that will never happen to me, they’re also a shit load of things that could happen to me and the only reason they probably didn't was because, like Helen Baylor, I had, and still have, a praying grandmother.
I always remind myself I am not greater or better than anyone and conversely they are no greater or better than me. To me that is where my authenticity lies. I am unapologetically the best me I can be today, some days I’m better than others and well that is just life. I got into this habit in my late 20’s of questioning my hate/love for things. You know playing the devil’s advocate of why I believe things I do, who told me what I believe and what was their agenda for sharing, what things I believe come from MY experience, why do I think this about that. I started asking myself are there facts to support my views or is it just something I believe because someone I know, love, and/or respect told me it was so. When I come up with my opinions of something they are usually thought out, but always up to be changed. I do not ever want to be as static as someone who believes what they believe and does not want to hear opposing views. I don’t want to believe that we can change folks by not listening to or trying to understand an opposing view. The minute any one tries to “help” some one with out loving/listening to who that person with the differing view is the minute we lose.
It’s the minute we become preachy to that person. It’s the minute we assume a “my way is the best way” posture. And it’s hard for me to look at people do this to others while it’s being done to them. We are often caught in a world where we as blacks are both oppressed while we oppress those with in our communities. Oppression is a slippery slope where those being oppressed become so happy to oppress someone else that we forget the sting of oppression. However oppression is power and nothing feels as good as power to those who were kept from power & liberation. I see it everywhere. I see it between black men and women, black educated and black uneducated, black upper class and black lower class; actually I see it in all black errythang. We are so busy trying to tell others what they need to do we can’t even give America a collective voice that says she in fact is the one who needs to shape up. We are so busy in fighting with out listening. Pointing fingers at others and pulling skeletons out of closets that we fail to have healthy dialogue to move us forward. When something is touted as wrong or bad we are so quick to jump on the “do better bandwagon” that we are shouting at people from our glass penthouses and diamond encrusted Tide boxes instead of listening to the hows and whys of how people got to where they were and offering healthy solutions in a dialogue.
Nope we are quick to hop on what ever is selling to make a buck, instead of listening to why people are doing what they are doing and being who they are being. We are not listening to one another. Some of us believe that black is a monolith except for us, you know we are always the exception. “They ain’t talking bout me!”
We have opted to stay disjointed and because of THIS we stay unpowerful, not powerless, as a race. We’ve abandoned “Each one Teach one” and have moved to “This shit is all YOUR fault”. It’s problematic and worrisome and human all at the same time.
Of course I don’t know how to fix it. I barely even know how to address it. Maybe y’all can help me out here.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I just can’t blog in people’s comment section anymore. The following is a response to this post . Lauren is my #twittertwin and if you haven’t checked out her blog you should. She has some good points but I kinda didn’t all the way agree with her post, I went to comment and had so much to say- well it turn into this, my second post of 2010 ( I know Imma lame). So this post really won’t make sense unless you have read her post. It may not make sense even if you do read her post, I'm cryptic that way. Anyway go there THEN read my response in this blog. Please get you some in the comments section (hers, mine, or both). Think of this as a cross over blog post. Enjoy!
My Response to this lovely post
My Response to this lovely post
I dunno #twittertwin I think it can be done and done well *brushing my shoulders off* I really don’t get offended in my old age and for the most part I am friends with most of my exes, well besides the BIG EX (the ex-hubby) and that was his choice, not mine. Well kinda mine too, he’s totally not cool enough to let bygones be bygones, which is one of the reasons we split. We really did have irreconcilable differences.
I guess you are saying there should be a certain amount of time before you’re friends with a man that has put it on you, makes sense. I just don’t think it requires another person to come in and knock your back out better, before you engage in the friendship. Then again my pride is the only thing stronger than my libido. I can do all things with a Hitachi Magic Wand that strengthens me.
I am trying to keep in mind how I live and date has never been the norm, I have been known to date men for long periods of time and never once request or think I’m his woman. I’ve dated men and refused to be their lovah. Mostly because I take that whole relationship thing seriously and for me to even want to be a man’s one and only, takes a GREAT movement of the world. My family often jokes how my ex went from being my friend to my fiancé, like there was no courtship period. #truestory
I guess the problem to me is women don’t really know how to enter into the friend zone, maybe its dick whippedness, maybe it’s the longing for the romantic comedy ending, maybe its just pure stoopidness. It’s the same reason I don’t go handing out the he’s my man title to every man that likes to spend time in my face (or spend his time burying his face in me). I mean we really can be friends, until you can be the kinda dude I looking for in man. As a matter of fact as long as you don’t have no issues with me seeing others and quite possibly bedding someone else (safely of course) while you trying to step your game up, we all good. I come from the school of shut that shit down. I think all women ho or angel will tell you if a man is doing what he is supposed to he can shut that outside shit down no matter what his title is. (that’s AB4AD)
Actually me living my love life that way really helps me determine the wheat from the shaft (ha ha ha I said shaft) in love and it really helps you determine the men who should be in my life and the men who shouldn’t (in all capacities). Because if a man is really serious about you and he sees you out there still looking either he will step his game up and tell you he wants you to be his girl and ask you what it takes to be your man or you will know he really ain’t that worried about you and hopefully you will cease and desist with the sweatin’ him and increase the application taking. Or at the least adjust your feeling accordingly. But Imma ho, so what do I know.
Personally I know it can be done, I have put one of best d*cks I ever had on friend zone status and lord it made my p*ssy walls quake to do so. I mean as far as sexual chemistry WOOWZA!! However he was back and forth in his separation with his wife and I didn’t like the way it was making me feel. Then he was demanding that I stop dating other folks while he was trying to date me and still work on it with his wife. GTFOH with that mess… DENEID. So finally one day when he was on the phone with me complaining about me dating others I said, its obvious you can’t handle this arrangement, lets just be friends. He agreed, probably because he thought I didn’t have full control over my loins and would cave. However the one thing my divorce taught me is MEAN what you say and SAY what you mean.
He eventually stopped calling after it was clear that I was serious about being friends and ONLY friends. I believe the last thing I said to him was “Big Dick Bandit*, I told you I am not having sex with you anymore. What’d I say!” And since it was like 3 in the morning when I said that half sleepily in the phone, I’d say he got the point. Once you can’t manage to talk a semi-celibate half sleep always horny for you woman out of her draws at three in the morning, I think you know it’s probably over. And I do miss him sometimes, but not that much. Like I said, my pride beats the p*ssy errytime (ok almost errytime)
I really think you should not be going into a friendship with a man if you think it will take you back down memory lane, however if you are woman enough to do it, go for it. My friendships with former lovers have happened both instantly and on delay, it really depended on the kind of friendship we had before we was doin it and doin it and doit in like LL.
I love for men to put me in the friend zone though because most of them are the ones that can’t handle it. The number one rule is if we’re just friends I will see you when I feel like it point blank period which is different if were dating. SELFISH game on propah! If were dating I take your feelings into consideration. However, at the beginning of an after romance friendship you at ground zero with me, you gotta earn me giving a phuck about your feelings. I mean why should I, you apparently didn’t give a phuck about mine and then you decided we’re over and I should be good with just hanging out until I just get the hint and disappear. Grow a pair!
My rules for an after the love friendships are simple. I pretty much let HIM initiate all contact in the beginning, one that tells me if he is serious about being friends. I usually don’t hang out with him on the first invite either, just another way to tell if he really wants to be friends or he’s just too chicken shit to man up and end it. So far handling the friends thing this way has worked for me. I think before, when I was younger, I took lets be friends as that and was calling and setting up time to hang out hoping it would end like the some movie I’d seen. WRONG WRONG WRONG ! I once told someone that the friendship was on him and I wouldn’t be calling, IMing, or texting unless he text me first. I haven’t heard from that man yet and that was like almost 5 years ago. *lol* Its funny to me now, but its where I learned how to put together a friendship with a man who has seen your phuck face. He and I went back and forth forever (Well I went back and forth, cause in hindsight he wasn’t doing shyt but answering the phone and hanging out with me when he felt like it.)
The key to the friend thang, for me is let the man initiate the hang out time, otherwise you are doomed. Because what happens is YOU call, YOU make the plans, he says sure. THEN something else comes up (the new chick he wants to get on top of) and he bails on you and you feel stupid because you can’t say nothing cause YOU’RE friends and you really just trying to keep your foot in the door. Point blank if a man says he wants to be friends after it’s over, YOU let him do the legwork. I find men don’t just call women they don’t want to spend time with. And hey Imma a cool chick that you might want keep around even if we can’t play the love game together we most certainly CAN watch some stupid shit on TV, listen to the Roots (or even some ignant stuff), and pass the dutch.
It’s tricky to master this friends after lovers thing, because men DO spend time with women they don’t want to spend time with. Face it men are LAZY so if YOU call and they ain't busy and they wanna shoot the shit or pass the blunt with someone who doesn’t have a Y chromosome and hasn't bust the windows out their car, you could be in like flinn. Sadly, that means nothing other than he ain’t got nothing better to do. If you’re doing the calling and making the plans for y’all 's friendevous, then he’s probably just bored and nice. Most men don’t really know how to end it; no guy wants to be the asshole that destroyed your Princess and the Frog dreams.
Trust if a man picks up the phone to arrange anything with you in person (not a late night text or thirst lined phone call) he probably does want to be your friend in some capacity. That capacity can range from date for the office parties to smoke buddy to Bestie, so don’t get ahead of your self. He may also be lonely too, but if you just view it as someone to pass the time with, then you shouldn’t get your feelings hurt when/if the new chick pops up. Don’t mistake those actions for love but it most certainly can mean he wants you in his life as friends. Sometimes being friends is the best space for both of you. I am friends with the ex love of my life and we have been for many many years (like 15 years man). We don’t hang out a lot, we mostly text or IM etc and happy hour occasionally. He is married with kids now, but I call him friend. (He’s in my top five on the headboard banger scale). Anyway I dunno how I got here in this comment section, I think Imma make this a blog post response. I said ALL that to say it can work, but not everybody is grown enough to do it. So boys and girls just listen to Lauren and do it her way. It will probably save you some heartache.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Service. Service is what I wanna talk about on what would have been Dr. King’s 81st birthday. In my life I believe that service is the foundation of all. I believe that in this life God has put us here to serve/bless others and through service we gain something valuable in ourselves, for in service is freedom. Through unselfishly giving our time, talents, and/or thoughts to help move others forward we propel ourselves light years into the next phase of growth in our life. In service we learn that if we had made a left instead of a right, told someone yes instead of no, or been at the wrong place at the wrong time we could be the one in need of service instead of serving.
In service we learn there is nothing special about us that places us atop our platinum pedestal. We meet people whose stories mirrored ours; great family, great job, great life, and great friends. Stories that mirrored ours until- UNTIL the recession came, until the earthquake came, until the hurricane came, until the levees broke, until it ALL FELL DOWN. In service we realize that life could change for us in a blink of an eye. And because we serve others we not only help others get through their rough times, we teach ourselves appreciation at the most rudimentary level. It is service that teaches us to be grateful. It is service that teaches us to be thankful. It is service that teaches us to hold the ones we love a little tighter and be cheerful while we give to those who looked like us only yesterday. Through true service one will not only serve his/her fellow man they will truly understand how humanity works.
So on this very special day commemorating a man who chose to serve his community and gave his life in service of that community, I ask you to take some time and serve your community today. What am I doing today? you ask. Well, I plan on going somewhere and lending my hands and giving my things to those in Haiti, many who were in need of my service before the quake.
I think in a very non-Pat Robertson way, maybe this earthquake will end up being a good thing for Haiti. Sans all the pseudo religious racist subtext of that phrase when Robertson delivered it, Haiti being on the world stage is a good thing (as long as the worl respects their humanity-which sadly they have not). Haiti should have long been on our minds as black folks** and well, now it is. I wish death and destruction did not have to come, but since they have your attention… now some of us realize how much our Haitian brothers and sisters need our service, needed our service. Perhaps now you know your black history a little better and understand how the formation of the first black republic in the world aided America in her most significant growing pain. The relationship that we as black American share with Haiti is quite an interesting one. Stuff that books are made of, get you one if you don’t know. Perhaps now you not only understand the plight of Haiti, you want to change it beyond earthquake relief.
Or maybe you don’t, maybe you just think it’s the “thing” to do, a way to floss and show that you are on your perch bestowing the have-nots with the remnants of your have (also known as shittin’ on these hoes). If that is you, I pray that at some point while twitpic’ing your donation and letting us know of your benevolence via your FaceBook status you will also GET. A. CLUE.
Happy King Day! Be of good service this day. It will change not only the world, but your world.
*-Yes I o realize the extreme irony of mentioning Wayne in a MLK post. I’m from the South sue me!
** Everyone really, but I’m not speaking for white people. I’m not white.