Friday, January 8, 2016

I am just a mess of emotions today but not in a bad way. This morning I woke up to a slight chill in the air, not cold enough to turn my heat on or search for socks but just cold enough to notice that socks would cure the problem but this blanket will have to do…maaaaybe

Anyway I woke up flooded with emotions but just full of happy.  I started reading Year of Yes last night, it’s something I have wanted to do since I saw Shonda on OWN talking with Oprah about it.  Yesterday I saw a tweet of her showcasing her awesome book tour looks and decided last night was the night to do it.  Like why not?  So this morning during my morning reading I just became overwhelmed with joy and happiness and belonging and knowing I’m on the right road and I need to stay this current course, even though it feels uncomfortable

I’d be lying if I didn’t say I haven’t been second guessing myself lately.  I’ve been at a top tier firm for almost 6 months now and I haven’t booked an engagement really.  I’ve been selected for a few but the projects got cancelled.  Then I found a gig myself, I found one through a website we have for non-billable work.  It was a perfect job for me, but I wasn’t the perfect job for it.  It was in OKC and for the first time in my life I experienced flat out blatant institutionalized racism.   And man did it shake me.  I’m not saying it hasn’t happened before, but I think I didn’t view it in the same way I do now.  I always viewed it as I just wasn’t good enough and needed to improve and do better.  However what has become painfully clear to me in the aftermath of this incident is that it was far less me.  I know that was cryptic, but I’m not really ready to talk about my incident.  Mostly because I’m still in it so while I pride myself on being fair and objective I am still too close to this to be fair.
    
I will one day…but today I just woke up happy and grateful and hopeful for what will come next to me.  I also woke up thinking I will not spend my time worrying about what that will be but preparing for it.  That’s what I will do

G!


Wednesday, January 6, 2016

hi

Something happen to me recently at work, it was racial.  While I can’t prove it and would dare to delve in the psyche that thinks racism or any ism is ok, gotta be really dark and painful in there, I'm pretty confident it was issue of race.  Anyway that incident has jostled me out of my internet silence via blog. 

To be honest I just haven’t had anything to say that I thought was new or different than the many voices out there.  I didn’t have anything to contribute to the conversation that would be seen as anything other than amens and hallelujahs.  I have spent this last five years living my life without the need to document much of it outside the occasionally IG pics and a few poignant tweets here and there between a whole lot of fuckery.  I've posted here and there but really posting...I haven't. 

But my voice … I need to hear it … I don’t need to be heard, but I need to hear it. I need to hear my thoughts on the things and I need to make sure that it makes sense.  You see I don’t need to blog so you can read, I need to blog so that I can read and read in a place that accessible to anyone- some of my truths need to be out in the open.  The thing about personal blogging that is different than journaling is that for someone like me it makes me accountable for real.  I journal to work things out I blog to push things forward.  I always come back to the keys and here.  This blog.  I've tried to move on to another blog a different name a different girl, but there's a reason this one has never left. This one is home for me. My little corner of the world wide web, mostly undisturbed. 

I have had this blog for some time now, it has chronicled so much of my life.  I’m not even the same person I was in some of those posts, I have grown up and gotten over myself.  I have gotten older and hopefully wiser and I have become a better me, or at least I hope I have.

But I want to start writing again because I want to start talking about the space that black women in corporate America occupy and how navigating that path to leadership is a different beautiful unique struggle.  A struggle where you want to not only do a great job but you also want to maintain who you are inherently.  Is it really a win to rise in the ranks of leadership if you had to give up all parts of you and assimilate into the fold?  I don’t know I guess some would say it was.  I don’t know but those are the things I want to unpack here. 

The microaggressions in the work place are real.  And I have spent much of my career thinking it was just me, but now what is painfully and obviously true is that sometimes it isn’t.  Oh well, that’s life.  However that’s the life I want to start documenting out loud.

Anyway, hi I’m back for a little while I think…

G!