April 25, 2006
An Open Letter
This weekend...I decided to do a little soul searching and I asked myself what would I tell the next man who dared to try to love me. This is what I came up with. It was very therapeutic. Not sure if I want to love anyone, however I am learning that sometimes things don't happen when you want them to. I just like flexing my creativity in different ways...hope you like
To the man who will make me love him:
Hey, we don’t know each other yet. I mean you don’t know how much you love the nerdy little things I do. You don’t know that you like the fact that my inside voice and my outside voice only barely differ. You don’t know that you love my outspokenness and the way I have an opinion about every phucking thing in the world. You don’t know you love the way I always seem to let you be you, no matter what. You haven’t felt the comfort of my love yet. You haven’t felt the warmth of my touch and how much I care. You don’t know that you phucking hate my outspokenness and how I have an opinion on everything. You wish you knew how someone so strong, independent, and obstinate to others could make you feel like you are “Da Man” when it came to dealing with things concerning me and you. You don’t know you are the only one to see my vulnerability, tears, and fears. Or that your voice calms all those things.
You don’t know that when I look at you, you can feel my love surround you. You don’t know that you have experienced an ally so strong and a friend so great, that you wake up to check every morning and see if I am real. You don’t know that you make me crazy with desire when I think about you thinking about looking at me. You don’t know that when I look at you that all men will fail in comparison. You don’t know that when you touch me, I am ready to rock that all night.
You don’t know that my love will open up a world that we’ve never known, because it will be different because my love for you will be unconditional, many have experienced my loyalty, my kindness, and my like; but FEW have experienced my love. The only reason I am writing you before this love of ours starts is, I may get cold feet and I may get changed before I meet you. I may decide love is not worth the toll. I may decide that love is not meant for me or that love is only for those who look, act, or live a certain way.
So just in case I forget how alive loving you will be, or I let someone take my ability away, I want you to make sure that you are you. I want you to make sure you don’t change anything about yourself. I want to make sure that you don’t let them change you; because I know that if you remain who you are, there will be no way that I can do anything but love you. If you are you then there is no way that I can’t love you. It won’t matter what the world does to me or how it may make me doubt happiness and all those things people write about, if you are you- I will love you, because I have no choice.
I will have no choice to love you because when I look into your eyes I will know that you were made for me. When you touch me my heart will flutter and my soul will smile. I may put up a front at first, because many will have come to steal the love I have for you from me, but I will know. All I say is just let me be me and love me, because I will recognize you by your love, the look in your eyes, and the warmth of your embrace. . It won’t be easy loving me, but it will be very worth it.
Ok, well I have to go now, I am not sure if we have met yet. I am not sure if I will even like you when I meet you, however I am sure that if you love me just a little perhaps I might give up the armor around my heart and trust you with it, just remember I do all this heart protection because love is life changing and loosing love is gut wrenching, two things that really scare me. I don’t want fear to make me miss you, but maybe it already has. If it hasn’t and you are still around, just lean in, look me in my eyes and say “Monique, just take a chance and trust me with your heart.” I can’t promise I will, but I will try to trust you with my heart and hopefully love you and that is more than I have done in a very long time.
The eternal optimist