Wednesday, December 19, 2007

What’s up fam ?!?!

I want to blog today but I don’t know about what. I have some topics I want to blog about but I am not in the mood to talk about any of those today. When I write it has to be inspired, I almost never publish the stuff I sit down and write about like a school assignment. I really like the blogs to just come from what I’m feeling today or what I read or what I was chatting with Crys about on IM or what I did or what someone I know did. So as I am typing this my brain is racing a million miles a second trying to come up with something to write about before I run out of words and just get stuck watching the cursor on this page blink at me.

Man, a blinking cursor is like the WORST to a writer it signifies BLOCK. As long as I can keep the letters moving on the page the less anxiety I have about this being a neat and tidy little ditty for you to read. Oh well I have nothing, like Whitney.

Falling in love again!
I’ve been in NOLA for the past two nights and I have had fun it was quite an adventure but not one for the blogs but I learned a lot stuff, lets call it research for my new book, How to do it BIG in the BIG EZ. *lol*

Parents just don't understand?
Anyway the baby Spears is pregnant. I mean what can I say about that other than you can take the girls out of the trailer park but you CAN NOT take the trailer park out of the girls!! At least she can afford to provide for it. I mean really you already phucking!! Will Nickelodeon be writing that into the script of Jamie’s show? And who told her mother she could write a parenting book anyway. I mean what publisher thought that was a good idea? Maybe it was being sold as satire. I mean Lynn Spears was writing about raising Brit to be the wild woman she is today? I think they should release the book under the genre of HOW NOT TO RAISE your kids. I mean they just need me to write a brief foreword it would say This book is an opposite book!! Please use accordingly. Thanks and good night.

The Random Shyt
Let’s see what else is going on…the holidays. I don’t really celebrate Christmas and all that is the TURNING WHIRLING COMMERCIAL giant. I prefer Thanksgiving any day. My life has been so stress free since I decided not to be caught up with Christmas Cheer, that was oh so many years ago. It makes so many people uncomfortable when you say you don't celebrate it. Especially here in the south, where the CHRIST in CHRISTMAS abounds. I'm all look I diind't say I don't beleive there was a birth I just said I don't celebrate the birth. Its fine if you do really it is.

I am such a different person than I was 5 years ago. I mean this is not where I saw myself in 5 years, but it is really so much better. I mean I’m about to be 35. 3-5…I don’t think this is how I imagined my life to look or life in general to look. I definitely thought we would be in flying cars by now, but hey I had no idea that I would be texting on my phone instead of talking ( have I ever mentioned how much I prefer the text to the talk? WELL I DO!!) or even cell phone technology outside my car. WOW !!

2007
Man this has been a good year. I was able to cross off my number one goal this year (this has been on my list for two years), home ownership. Now the next goal is making the house a home. Its coming along slowly, but surely.

I think 2008 is when I really get serious about going back to school to get my MBA and developing my side hustle in real estate. I would like to be COMPLETELY debt free (sans home) by 2010. That includes the last of my student loan and my car. If I can reach it earlier that will be great. If I can be debt free by then I will be ready to take a loan to go to business school .

I also want to really become more serious about establishing routines for myself from health to house cleaning. I need my life to work a little more like clockwork.

Well I gotta hit it now I have a plane to catch, so I maybe my next blog will be more 2007 in review and more 2008 plans…hell I won’t know until I sit down to write it!

Be EZ,
OG

Monday, December 17, 2007

What I know about Love...This is a quick read cause it AIN'T much!

I am quickly approaching 35 and I like the prospect of being 35. I think at 35 I finally know who I am. I think in my 20s I thought I knew who I was but it was so surface. I think when I turned 30 was when I really realized I had NO IDEA of who I was and what I liked or didn’t like. I think I realized in my late 20’s early 30s that I was who the world expected me to be. I was who my education said I should be, I was who my upbringing said I should be, I was who my family expected me to be. I was not who I wanted to be. Not because my family wouldn’t let me be or not love me if I was. I wasn’t who I wanted to be because I hadn’t quite figured out who she was or that who she was could exist. If you know me I am walking contradiction, but the older I get the more I think this is more a norm than an exception. I am wonderfully GRAY in all its many different shades and I now love and embrace that about me. Instead of trying to be either or I have learned that I can be either some days and or on others!

Today, I thought I would share some notes from my journey to gray. Theses are all still things in progress but I think fun to share, because what I am learning with every waking breath we really are a lot more alike than we are different. Today I am going to talk about love because it is the latest equation I am working out in my life. I am learning how to love and be loved as an adult woman and it is so hard. Because I have loved before on a few occasions ( very few, so I guess this probably why LOVE is kicking me in the azz) I know my way around the emotion but really being loved for who I am not who I should be or who I am supposed to be that is new and scary to me. Well by a man, my friends have long LOVED my silly azz.

So here are OGs very brief observations and notes on love:

Love is EXTREMELY humbling.
I am realizing to truly love someone is probably one of the most humbling experiences ever. Love makes you do and say things you don't want to say. It makes you feel weak and it EXPOSES the most vulnerable parts of you. You realize that with all your self control and discipline your emotions can still control you.

Love shines the light on all your flaws and insecurities
Well true love does that. Because what I am realizing is that when you love someone, you start to look at all those things you don’t like about yourself. Well, I do. I look at all my negatives as potential reason that love might not be returned, some you can change but others are just you.

The thing about mature love is if you LOVED yourself you will have gone through these things with yourself before and you will be ready to be honest and already know those things about yourself and know if they are things you can/should change or if they are things that are you and need to be loved because that is who you are.


Love is one of the BIGGEST gambles we take in life
When you feel like no one else matters but the one you love, it certainly feels like putting all your eggs in one basket. And if they love you back it definitely feels like hitting the jackpot. However, love really isn’t a game of chance. It is beyond the physical to me. I think when you love someone you find something in them that reflects you. I think that is why it is hard for someone who doesn’t love himself/herself to truly love another.

Love really is blind…but not the way I thought it was
It’s funny at my age and station in life; love makes me forget who I am. It seems that love has reduced me to this chubby pre-pubescent little girl in pigtails. Not at all looking at the things I bring to the table and why he might love me. I was so busy look at all the things and reasons he has not to love/like me and obsessing over them. Love is crazy that way. Thank God I have friends to remind me well of course he wants to be with you look at you! You are [insert all the good things about yourself that you have forgotten because love has you so scared ] !

Still today, despite being happy and feeling very loved, I have resigned myself to a life of never finding a man that makes me feel comfortable being myself and more importantly loves my awkwardness and internal contradiction. I’m sure that isn’t healthy but its how I have chosen to deal with things. It’s much easier to prepare for the worse and than it is to get blindsided while still in the warm afterglow of love. Well maybe it isn’t.

Anyway, no matter what this journey of learning how to love and more importantly learning how to be loved brings me it, I am sure it will make me a better person. I think in the end, for me, my GROWTH as a human being is all that really matters!!

Be EZ,

OG

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Random & Inappropriate Thoughts

From Free to RIP
Today Pimp C will be laid to rest in P.A.T! If you know me you know I was all about Pimp and UGK if you don’t believe me here is some proof of my love and some more proof of my love
There is even more proof of my love but hell I ain’t gotta prove NOTHING to NO one!! RIP Pimp C Imma miss ya REAL GOOD!!

Here are some RANDOM inappropriate thoughts I had this morning concerning Pimp’s memorial service. Only because I am me and I am real will I even share them.

I wonder how many bytches will go there trying to bop?
You know if there is any promise of ballers being around, BOPPERS will appear NO MATTER what the occasion or how INAPPROPRIATE it is for them to be there.
I wonder how many will look like they are at the club and not a funeral?
This is COMPLETELY RHETORICAL we all know most will be there scantily dressed and many will think the addition of a black hat, sunglasses and the fact that their outfit is black makes their ensemble appropriate! Hey I like T&A at the funeral it breaks up the monotony when people watching. I know when I catch a nip here and there it helps me collect myself through the grief!
I wonder if I ever inadvertently meet Pimp or Bun when in high school ?
We are the same age and our schools were in the same district so I played lots of basketball in P.A.T. and went to lots of football games there too. On second thought, scratch that question, I think I would have KNOWN if I met Pimp C even back then.
I wonder what Bey is wearing to the funeral?
As you can tell my borderline Beyonce standom does sometimes get in the way of my decorum and upbringing! I’m sorry I really want to know.
I wonder how many people will rush out and scan the funeral program and how long it will be before I get that scan?
I think tons will scan and I think I will see the program before the day's end or by tomorrow morning, even though I am not on any official ghetto hotlines. If I was I would say I’d have the e-mail of program by days end no doubt!
I wonder who will get thrown out for trying to take unauthorized pictures?
Oh COME ON y'all KNOW somebody gonna try! Look I do NOT want to see any of these MORBID azz pictures I am already mad at my memories of Cocaine is a Hellluva Drug Rick James and Thundercat James Brown being replaced with those MORBID AZZ death bed pictures that were sent to me!! I need to remember Pimp FULL OF life. However, you already know my nosey azz will look if somebody snaps a shot !!! DAMN me and my inability not to want to KNOW - I wonder if Bey will be wearing all black ( see what I mean!!)

Ok Ok Ok enough with that moving on to something else…

You will be missed Pimp

You better learn how to work that pole!

There seems to be some trouble in paradise with Tony Parker and Eva Longoria. Click here for trouble! Some model jumpoff is spilling the beans about her and TP. Then Eva of course is DENY, DENY, Denying- IN DENIAL about the incident!!

Look the jumpoff says Eva don’t like phucking in the mirror and she don’t like cum on the face, based on those two things being fact, Imma say TP is getting freaky with someone else. Rule number one is if you are not doing things your man (in this case your HUSBAND) likes then guess what, he eventually is going to be weakened by some ho who not only does those things but thinks those things are normal. Trust me I know, I’ve been that ho!!

Now when you add the fact that TP is a professional basketball player on top of that!! I just think Eva must want to be a real life Desperate Housewife otherwise she would learn every trick them hoes do on the road plus an extra one or two only she can do!! I mean I say she got off easy if he just like watching himself phuck her in a mirror and cumming on her face, come on I know bytches that was doing that in the 7th grade!! LAWD !! It's your husband Eva!! And I am sure based on the acting skill I see on DH you did a few tricks on the casting couch! Then again so much of Hollyweird is gay maybe you didn't !!

Look I am a divorcee and there were there things I wouldn’t do with my husband yes, most included video tapes and boy am I glad I didn’t because that little bitter azz ample hipped midget threatened to post the few clips of my naked breastessezz that he had online when we were breaking up, but for the most part I tried to be open minded. I mean imagine if I had let him film the nasty walking porn show I am (well actually I wasn’t so nasty with him- why that’s a WHOLE ‘nother blog).

Anyway I feel like this, you need to know the nature of men and the nature of your man to truly survive and thrive in this relationship game. I think all men like new pussy and then every man has those things that turn them on specifically. You have to do your part to keep their inner potential to roam and bone down. I mean if you keep it fresh and new if you seem open to most things they want to try (notice I say most, cause I don’t want NONE of you bycthes blaming me for any kinda kinky barnyard sex your man might be into! I WILL NOT take responsibility for you phucking any OTHER SPECIES). I mean at least listen and if you can’t do it, try to find a middle ground! Maybe he can’t phuck you in the ear but tell him you will jack him off on to your ear. SEE THE COMPROMISE!!

I mean, men will be men we know they look, they flirt and some will even do dirt. However we, as women, need to do our part. I by no means am taking responsibility for any fool that cheated on me, however if I hadn’t been giving him all my love dedication, and my sex game was not A-1, Pimp Tight, Porn Star Grade A then Imma take a little bit of culpability for his indiscretion(s) (SECRETLY of course) but by no means am I gonna accept or say I drove him into another woman’s arms, but I am gonna say I did leave the garage door open, the car door unlocked, and depending on who we talking about I may have left the keys under the seat.

I see it this way, if it is your husband, especially, or significant other why not put it all out there and do what you do. He shouldn’t judge you for trying to explore your sexual limits together or for trying to fulfill his. Isn’t part of a relationship about learning what pleases each other and what makes each of you happy? He likes freaky sex you like expensive bags find a way to make that work for both of you...like saying baby you know what makes my booty cherry WET, he will IMMEDIATELY ask you what, this is when you respond a brand new set of Louis Vuitton luggage! See how that works for EVERYONE involved!

I mean after all its between you two, well depending on how you get down it may be between you three or four or you, him and German Shepard- but I digress, and as long as you guys are happy with what you are doing PHUCK what your friends, family, or the world say ( well don’t phuck what yo’ momma say. Just lie to her and DENY, DENY, DENY any freaky shyt that could get back to her. Don’t break yo’ momma’s heart! On second thought , yo’ momma probably already know you’re a ho. )

Ok enough about me and my incredible WHORISH thoughts and advice!!


Be EZ,
OG


Disclaimer: This blog was mostly written to make you gape and gawk and by no means reflects my true sexual character. My true sexual character is much worse than any of this shyt I put in print!!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

I will take the...

I have been ordered to keep this blog semi-current at best, so since I have ONE loyal reader (besides myself), I will try to blog on a semi-regular basis. So in an effort to please the masses or in this case the un-masses (one person has to be the un-masses right?) I give you today’s blog:

Choices, life is so full of choices there are so many and so many ways to go. Being a normal human being I rarely think deeply about others and their choices or lack of choices until I’m forced to. I am not saying I don’t notice peoples choices I’m just saying I wouldn’t notice your choice unless there was something about the choice that stood out, like it was something I WOULD never choose, or it’s something that I never thought about choosing, but now that you have chosen it I think I should try that, or it is the SAME choice the chooser always makes. I think the latter of those three choice alternatives is the most upsetting to me because of how I grew up. My family, my dad especially, always taught me about not wanting to be average. He always taught me about the good in being different. (Hindsight: I know they taught me that because I would always be different I’m very tall for a girl and I was no waif, so a life of always being noticed was destined! I guess it the same reason that I NEVER had bad posture like so many tall girls who slouched to look shorter and fit in! Or the same reason I was really ok with dating shorter or smaller men from time to time, because their stature never made me feel uneasy about mine!) Anyway….

So, all my life I always grew up kind of different and I never felt bad for that. He taught me to try something before I decided I didn’t like it and he also just always pushed me to be outside my comfort zone, but as I became older inevitable human nature set in. The desire to be safe the desire not to want to take a chance because of all the bad chances did come to me. The comfort of knowing that choosing this will mean that will happen. So I too have been guilty of riding in my comfort zone until the WHEELS FELL OFF!!

I have a friend who is really trying to grow outside her box, and I see it is truly a struggle for her. She had a MAJOR win today, one small step for her is ONE GIANT STEP for her kind!! The thing is going outside our box is struggle for most, but for her I think what gets her is fear. What if this is not good, or what if I get hurt, or what if I make the wrong decision. I think what she doesn’t see is all the positives of making choices. I mean sure you make the same choices everyday because they work for you and they seem to be solid choices but what if there is a choice out there that is EVEN BETTER, does more than work for you, makes you happier than you ever have been, or instead of looking at a bad choice as a failure why not see it as confirmation that your choice was the RIGHT one. To me I don’t see failure as bad or horrible I see it as an opportunity, you know like that Dyson commercial about failure where he talks about how they learn from failure. So I guess that is why choice doesn’t scare me as much and if someone points out me riding dirty in my comfort zone I am quick to reevaluate and chose something new, if I haven’t ever or haven’t in a while!

I look at life like this, sometimes we are not going to make the right choice but the battle is in knowing what we are choosing. Like with me and men. I will pretty much go out on a date with any man who asks me. It’s my one date rule. I know that in one date I can size you up, generally I can size you up in less than that, but because I never want to be closed minded I go out with 95% of my askers- ok 90%.

I guess I am the same way in life, my ex use to say I was always looking for the next best thing, but really I feel if you don’t have a new goal after you meet your goal you will be stagnate. I mean when I bought my first house I knew that it was going to be for the next 7 years at the most if I would have stayed married in it, because in seven years I wanted us to be doing so much better that we needed to start making a plan to move into a new house in the next three years. Even in my house now. I just moved in but I have so many to dos on my list to make that house even better that I can’t rest. I mean what if Bey would have been happy just being in Destiny’s Child I mean really they are the greatest GIRL GROUP in pop music history now! Think of all the fabulousness that we would be missing now !! Look I know there are some places in my life where I am stagnating, like men.

I am so afraid these days to make choices or push outside of the box because I don’t think I am strong enough to stand the pain of heartache. I don’t know if I am strong enough to pick up the pieces if I make the wrong choice, but I constantly remind myself that what if I never have to pick up the pieces, what if I am making the right choice, or what if I learn what the wrong choice is for me, saving me a lifetime of repeated heartache.

I think it’s funny how the smaller things in life are noting but microcosms for the BIGGER things in life. It all boils down to moving outside of your comfort zone and being able to grow and see new things, whether those things are people, places, or foods!! *lol*

Be EZ,
OG

Monday, December 10, 2007

Circle of Trust

Well, I said I would start blogging here! There is just LESS going on here! Blogger being a real blog site means that I have less social obligations as opposed to other social networking sites that offer the ability blog. Here there are no messages about how cute I am or people who want to be may friend because they think their man likes me, or people who attach a price to their cyber friendships like commenting on their blog or writing a 87 blogs a day!

Look I have a life and while I would LOVE to blog everyday if you saw the list of shyt I need to do, you would tell me to skip blogging too! Plus for me my blogs aren’t polls or chats or a way to feel loved by a bunch of random people in the world I know my blogs are therapy and real talk. They are things I say, share, and think that for whatever reason I feel need to be elaborated on and worked out literally (and I mean that literally, literally as in through my literature (writing)!) Anyway my blogs are fun for friends in strangers alike, friend can tell what’s up with me and well strangers can laugh at me and all my neurosis, which is much better than waiting for the short bus to stop in front of your house! Anyway on to today’s topic…trust

I was talking to one of my friends today about men…I know shocker two single, thirty something, black, women were talking about men! Anyway were talking about putting things out there to make sure our heads and our hearts match, you know reality. I mean really if you have been a single woman of any length of time as an adult you understand what men say and what men do are different. You also realize that sometimes men say what they say to manipulate certain feelings or actions out of you. I think that in general I try to take what is said to me to heart, but at the same time I DO NOT… I repeat DO NOT TAKE IT AS TRUTH, until I see evidence to back it up. Its like when I was married, my ex told me how much he loved me just diarrhea at the mouth about it, however his love for me wasn’t even strong enough to set aside a time to honeymoon until our impending divorce then he wanted to go on a honeymoon and take a vacation – feel me. I don’t like men who just talk about stuff, I must really have been born in Missouri and not Texas, because YOU GONE HAVE TO SHOW ME, not just tell me.

Anyway, I was asking my friend why she had made a certain decision and I was like do you believe that or is this something you are telling yourself because now you see there are strong possibilities of reality creeping into your fairy tale. Of course I didn’t say it like that; I don’t want you to think I'm sitting around talking to my friends like this. She said yes, its my head putting my heart on the same page.

My response was remember when life was simple before all the heartbreaks and lies and relationships gone bad, where your heart didn’t have to be slowed down. You just believed what he said and it was true. There were no insecurities or real talk to think about, no wondering if this was just a line cause he was collecting hoes like baseball cards. You simply checked Yes…No… or wrote MAYBE *smiley face* and proceeded to be someone’s gal!!

No worrying about being accosted while out on the playground by his playhouse baby momma’s friends or worse his playhouse baby momma. No worries about opening up his locker and finding a pair of draws. NONE OF THAT well maybe for some women , cause I understand some dudes do START “THE GAME” quite early, but at least NONE of that in elementary school (again I repeat: well maybe for some women , cause I understand some dudes do START “THE GAME” quite early) . Sometime I wish it could be that simple the honesty of elementary love. No worries about being damaged or scorn later or feeling made a fool of!!

I will one day get to that point with a man where I love him and I can trust what he says because it ALL lines up! Like for real for real it ALL lines up!

Be EZ,
OG

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Adjusting!

I know it's been a minute. Well more like a minute and a half since I have checked up with anyone. I'm here. I'm living. And I'm doing fine. OMG I am adjusting. As some of you guys ALREADY know I just moved in my new spot. What is crazy is the adjustments I am making. The thing is building this house and moving in was very cathartic for me. It was a part of my healing from my divorce.

I left everything when I divorced. I walked away from my house because it was pawn. I have heard and read my ex say many times I left to whore. But the truth was I left my house because I couldn't live there. I mean after him placing taps on my phones and setting traps to see what I was doing, I knew if I stayed there he would monitor me, well unless... until he healed, or found a Philly to get him over it. Not over me, but it. I don't think he was so concerned with loosing me, I think he was concerned with looking like a failure. Hey I don't think he's bad for feeling like that because I felt the same way.

I totally agree because that was the main reason I never made moves to leave him before the incident where he gave me reason to leave, because I didn't want to be a failure. I didn't want to say that I didn't think getting married through or that I didn't truly respect it. Back then when I married I did what I was supposed to do. I had checked everything off on my list and getting married was on my list. He was nice, I loved him (probably not enough to marry him- but I wasn't complex or mature enough to even know that back then) and he loved me. GETTING MARRIED was the obvious choice.

Anyway back to me and this house, I left my house and basically as far as a homestead was concerned took a step backwards. For me having a home again and accomplishing that made me feel like I had rebuilt my life. You know for some its remarriage, for others its cleaning up their divorced riddled credit, but for me building a house and having a stable place that was my thing. However, I guess I didn't realize how much running a household differs when there is just one person running it. Mandy often talks about her thought about homes being for married people, which if you think about it, especially me thinking about it right now, I CAN TOTALLY SEE WHY. I mean when I was married there was help. Even though now I make a little more than what we made together did 6 years ago, a second income still helps. I mean there were bills when I was married I just wasn't responsible for, I couldn't even begin to tell you what my light bill cost back then or my phone. Anyway, owning a home as a single person, well it's different. I like it but it's a BIG ADJUSTMENT. BEING completely responsible is AWESOME in so many ways but so SCARY in a lot of others. You have to pay attention to your spending. You have to be aware of your surroundings and who you bring into your house. There is whole level of security you lose being one. I mean some of this I have worked through when I first split from my husband, but at the same time unlike an apartment there is no apartment gate code or neighbors who share your wall or that might check on you if they heard your screams or cries. Ok enough doom and gloom.

I have just been ADJUSTING, while at the same time I've been preparing for my side hustle. My dad was a side hustle kinda guy and now I got me a side hustle. While building my house I developed a LOVE for real estate. I mean I had it before but kinda from a far, I was scared to really try to flip a house or buy some land and rent, but now I am so ready. I know the housing market is in turmoil, but not in Texas and what I'm trying to do is revitalize some spots in the inner city for young black professionals who want to live inside the loop, don't mind older quiet neighborhoods that are logistically convenient to city living but still considered the hood. The thing is where I'm located and trying to build would be consider transitional. I'm hoping it will transition a little more, not so much like Mid-town, which if you know your Houston geography you know mid-town use to be a 4th ward "hood" of Houston so to speak minutes from down town. Even if it doesn't the property value should stay steady and appreciate decently and even if it doesn't I love my neighborhood, my moms is down the street and it's a place I can stay and if I move on up, will have no problem renting/leasing out. So as I finish adjusting to my life by myself for myself I am ready to start doing more things that perhaps one person shouldn't do by herself, oh well.

The one thing I have learned is that being with me makes me happy. Sometimes I question if I am broken because I have no desire to be married again. Friends say its because HE hasn't come along, but I don't know I have had a few "He's" and they haven't made me want to be married. I know that sounds horrible, especially for a country girl raised in the Baptist church who loves sex. That pretty much means I will spend a majority of time on my knees, having fun and asking God to forgive me for that fun, but oh well.

I have co-workers, friends, acquaintances who want to settle down and have a family. Even my best friend from high school seems to be looking for a mate to make an honest woman out of her. Me, I like my life like it is. I still can't get myself to want a full fledged I'm your woman you my man relationship. I assume it's because I haven't found him. I refuse to make the same mistake I made when I got married (I was in the same frame of mind when I met my ex). I thought he was ok and I dated him, but I never was head over heels in love with him. Even now there is a man that I love, but we won't be together we will probably be friends for a long while, but I doubt if we will ever even be married And I probably love him more than I have loved a man since I was in college. In my younger days I would have tried to make the round peg fit the square hole, but today I enjoy what we have until it expires or fades away. That is kind of the attitude I've been taking on about love. I plan on seeing if this is unhealthy and just talking to someone, but I think its ok.

Adjusting! I had quite an interesting three years when I think back. Three years ago I was married having Thanksgiving at my house. Wow! Three years ago I was decided to really try to make my marriage work and stop playing around and dilly dallying! LOL!
I never realized how much adjusting I had to do, that I had in front of me.

Two years ago I was exchanging e-mails back in forth with my ex arguing about stuff in the divorce decree. Letting him upset me with his pot shots and his low self esteem.

A year ago I was CELEBRATING making it through whole year of a new life. I guess I'm just happy to be free and happy to be me.

What is really comical to me is I can't remember if that is right like if my years are right. I can't remember when I left, I mean I know when I got married and I know how long I was married on paper so I always work backwards. My ex remembers the date like somebody stabbed him. *LOL* Hopefully he has forgotten but every time I interact with him he seems like he hasn't it seems like HE HATES me. Its so funny because I don't hate him, I may not chose him to hang out with, but hate... NAH.

So many people places and things in these last few years are a fog to me, that could be because I'm over it, it also could be because of my extracurricular activities (if you know know me YOU KNOW what I'm talking about! *lol*) My friend was asking me recently about my life back with my ex…who they so lovingly refer to as Hipsy Russell (LOL) anyway. It was so hard for me to remember details like when he proposed or what he said or our dating life. I remembered I cried and I remember the EXACT conversation that Mandy and I had before going in. Maybe I'm getting old. However what is crazy is I remember with crystal CLEAR memory when my college ex and I decided to be a couple and conversations we had… the brain is so RANDOM to me.

Anyway this has now BECOME a ramble. I mean I guess I am wondering if I will ever be completely adjusted, I guess not because life is a changing moving thing. I mean I think I am adjusted enough and healthy enough to be over my old life, but how do we really know? I do know one thing I am HAPPY and I have an inner peace that is beautiful. I guess to me what is special is I have that in me, I give it to me, so no one can take it away by not loving me, or not being my friend anymore. I think I have always had that but for the FIRST time in my life I understand what it is. I KNOW who I am. You know no question who I am no question of my character, doesn't matter what others say. I think that has always been me to a degree but I never really had to battle or prove that to anyone before. The adjusting and self reflection BEAUTIFUL! I wish it for ALL!

I guess that was the point of this blog… I really don't know WHAT the point of this blog is ANYMORE!!

Be EZ,
OG