Friday, January 19, 2007
Recently a very good friend’s mother lost her battle with cancer. It was a long hard fight and she was a great woman, mother, and wife. While she didn’t always do the things that we modern girls consider to be cool, she was a phenomenal woman.
This world is full of different women, women who move, women who shake, women who nurture, women who bake, women who are all about raising our children, women who are about raising their net worth, women who steal, women who give, women who brighten our days with a smile or a flip of their hair, women who demonstrate strength and courage on the daily, women who are afraid to be strong, women who are afraid to be weak, women who inspire us through their actions, and women who inspire us through their non-action.
We never see our mother in any of those women; well I never did until I became a woman. As a girl I was always quite judgmental of my mother. I had no idea how easy she made being a mother look. As girls it is so easy to pick out the faults in our mothers and look at their cracks and bad decisions and say in an all too haughty voice, I’m never going to let that happen to me, I am going to be different. How can she be so weak? And I would be a liar if I didn’t say that much of my success has been because I didn’t want to end up like my mother. However, as I grow older I realize that being my mother wouldn’t be such a bad thing. The things I saw as weak as a girl look like strength through the eyes of a full grown woman. The actions I saw as negatives as a girl I now understand ,as a woman, were must do’s in order to keep my (her child) life positive.
The mother daughter dynamic is such a touchy one; there is no rule book on rearing children and there definitely isn’t one for handling the surge in estrogen that we all get as tween-age girls, also known as puberty. There is no one to tell you what the outcome of your actions will do its all trial, error, and prayer. It's a completelty subjective job where your input can make a huge difference or none at all.
As a woman who was blessed enough to have become friends with her mother in her adulthood, so many of things I never understood or misjudged as a girl I can totally relate to. Its funny but I guess its true some things you just can’t understand until you live through them! And some things you don’t appreciate until you realize they may not always be there!
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Saturday, January 13, 2007
I’m telling you now this blog will be long for the following reasons:
I love to write
I love to write for people to read
Blogging is my outlet for my first two reasons
Writing relaxes me
I have had a lot stuff going on since the last time I blogged (random thoughts, life events, and just your general non-sense)
I have had a super busy last few weeks at work
I am pretty much always long-bloggeded (I know, I just made up that conjugation. What can I say I have a lot to say! *lol*)
So in an effort to unwind, distress, catch up those who care about my life, and wind down for my 3 day weekend I present to you a very looooong blog!!
First things first
Last week, my very dear friend, no my sister, lost her mother. I have written about buschick, her mother, and her family a lot in the past year, because they are family. I met BC when I was 17 (5 days shy of my 18th birthday) and she was 19. She was cool and she and her friends adopted me on my weekend welcome to Rice visit. If you don’t know the story, just know we’re great friends.
Caroline was diagnosed with breast cancer several years ago. She never seemed to gain the upper-hand on it and after several rounds of chemo and a very vigilant fight her cancer spread to several spots on her body, namely her lungs and on Jan 3, 2007 we lost a great light. To be honest one of the main reasons I hadn’t blogged was because I wanted my next blog to be something dedicated to Carla (buschick) and Caroline, but despite a few attempts I haven’t got that special piece just yet, you will know when I do. I will be in Seattle for a memorial service in a few weeks so it will be a bittersweet moment for me to see my friend. Anyway I wanted to start of this blog saying you will be missed Caroline!! Your legacy lives on in your wonderful children and many kind deeds. Here is BC’s blog tribute to her mommy! Love you Carla!
Lets talk about Work
Let’s not and say we did!! *lol* Work has been super busy, I mean like crazy busy. Then there has been all kinds of work drama that has nothing to do with work. I don’t know if you guys remember when I was saying how I was enjoying my downtime to the fullest because I KNEW there would come a day when I would be working NON-STOP!! That day has arrived. The thing is, as stressful as it is and as mentally taxing as it is, I like what I do. I mean I love what I do when I really get to do it, but I mean love in terms of job love, not love in terms of love love!! *lol*
Now don't get me wrong, I have plenty to complain about, but I know there are LOTS worse places I could work. I definitely like the people I work with and isn’t that half the battle? Enough talk about work, or as I refer to it these days HOME. I should just stick all my shyt in storage and sleep under my desk I mean I already spend more time there than in the place I pay money to live!
Speaking of HOME…
My house is going along nicely, suppose to be meeting with the architect soon. I have pictures of my lot and my neighborhood; I guess I could load them up after I finish this blog. Wait ‘til you see my Oak, it is majestic! Anyway, right now I am working on a book of all my selections and stuff. Building custom is great because I am not limited to the choices that are in the design center. I get an allowance for a lot of those things, which is great because I’ve got big ideas about how I want this house to look. This will be a chance for me to truly flex my interior decorating muscle.
In my first house I did the basics, back when we bought that house dark cabinets weren’t even available now that’s all you see. I originally was thinking about dark cabinets but now I think I am gonna take a new approach, like I said a chance to get my inner decorator on! Now once y’all see my house I will be available for hire. This is way more fun than my first house because I have a little more money to work with and it’s also an investment for me as well as a place to live. I picked out the most fabulous floors last night at a local retailer. Why did I just type local retailer? I know …Imma dork ANYWHO… I have a vision of wide plank dark hardwoods with a 3 inch base board that has quarter round at its base. I was going to carry the wood through to the kitchen but I really want some natural stone in my house, it’s a bungalow and it reminds me of arts & craft type home, so I think stone would be a good fit for it. Ok, ok enough design talk, maybe I let my inner Martha back for blog about my vision for my house.
I’m so glad that Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream. Of course for the MOST OBVIOUS reasons as a black woman, but I am also glad because I work at a bank and I get the day off!! I believe the holiday is old enough now that lots of businesses don’t observe it. I guess that is good and bad, I mean think about the other holidays that we don’t get anymore unless you work for a municipality or bank. I assume that EVERYBODY got ‘em off when they first became holidays and eventually they became one of those holidays that retailers have sales on! Although it’s not as catchy to have an MLK Day sale, doesn’t roll off the tongue like saying President’s Day Sale.
What I do wonder is how many years was a holiday like President’s Day or Columbus Day observed before corporate America stop giving it off. Anyway weather you have the day off or not, you can still honor Dr. King!! Me I’ll be honoring him big time relaxing on my day off. I’m attending a program at Rice, put on by the BSA, to commemorate the holiday. It’s a silent march to the Rice Chapel and then a program! I remember planning those things when I was an undergrad. It was one of my favorite events!
Speaking of Rice
I’m doing some really cool volunteer stuff as of late. I’m sitting on a few planning committees for big celebrations at the university this and next year. I actually like my volunteer alumni work. I know that may seem strange, but for me it seems right. I went to Rice on a full academic scholarship. My tuition was paid for by a scholarship named after some lady who went to Rice or her rich family liked Rice or perhaps her children, grandchildren or great grandchildren went to Rice and they wanted to honor her by funding a scholarship for someone like me. You know poor not so little black girl from a small country azz Texas town who had big dreams of doing better than where she was. I one day hope to get to a point where I too can fund that scholarship!
So until then, I volunteer my time at Rice because I think of it as my gift back. The one thing I wish I had saw more of when I was an undergrad were alums that looked like me. I can tell you how many black alumni I saw on campus when I was an undergrad, 3 ok maybe 4. Let me tell you seeing those 4 was like bright lights at the end of a dark dank tunnel. So, for me that is why it is important for me to be involved. I feel bad because my time has lessened a bit since I was married, but according to my co-worker I am super alumna. In reality I’m nowhere near that, I’m still wondering how some of these Rice alumni find the time do it all. Its hard for me to find the little time I do find to volunteer.
Did you know…
That I have been blogging since December 2004? I know that’s a long time that is what thought too. When I first started blogging I was over on Spaces. Here you go click here and you can go check some of my old blogs out. Then I moved to 360, click here to check those blogs out! When I started blogging I was trying very hard to be happily married on the outside *lol* I began blogging just as my marriage began falling apart. I went back and read a few old blogs and boy has this been a journey. Reading my old blogs made me look through old journals too, it is amazing how perspectives and priorities change with age and maturity and GROWTH!! I am so glad that God allows the non-physical to continue to grow even though the physical shuts down.
I’ve been thinking about moving to blogger, mostly because the extra social networking of 360 is becoming a bit overwhelming for me. The friend request (I’m sorry I have no room and I refuse to make a second page. My page is open to the public for the most part, so just drop in and comment. You don’t have to be my friend to do that. Hell you don’t have to be my friend to send me a message. I guess all this just ain’t that crucial to me. You know to be locking my shyts down. *lol* I know … I know GAW some of us have our reasons. ) and the messages and the chopping block feel of it sometimes. Anyway I haven’t truly decided, right now I’m double posting, and so we’ll see. I really don’t know but you guys will be the first to know, ok maybe not the first, but you will know if I do move blog spots!
Well, I guess this wasn’t as long as I thought, but I definitely feel much better after writing it! Feel free to comment on any portion you want or don’t like I said this one was more for me than it was for you! You guys have a great weekend and I’ll see you…when I see you!
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
I am not sure how other women feel, but I spent a good deal of my life thinking it was about those things. That love was about being the beauty in the eye of your beholder or the success, or the girl who can do that thing with her tongue. *lol* The thing is that most of my post divorce dating life I had put love as a thing that needs a reason. What I have realized in these last 6 months is that love has no rhyme or reason. I came to a conclusion that I had tremendous negative talk when it came to men and relationships. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to tire of me, for him to be the same as the others. Today, I did something that was hard, but I made a decision and that decision was to never settle again under the guise of something to do. In 2007 if it doesn’t look or feel right I’m not making excuses for it.
I think as women we like to make excuses and what I have come to realize is that when in doubt, walk away and if it’s more than all those surface things you think people like you for, that person will follow you. Not saying that doing that doesn’t hurt, in October 2005 I walked away from a “friend”. He claimed we were family and he claimed I was a great friend and there was lots of drama around our friendship. Then one day I got clarity and while on the phone told him that if we were to stay friends he would need to make the effort, I was done making efforts based on his empty words.
That “friend” never called or contacted me again, me the so called family, me the good friend, me, the idiot! I guess I thought I would hear from him last December (2005) and then I thought maybe in six months and then it really didn’t matter. It was the best thing I could have done. If I hadn’t I probably would still be in a terrible toxic pseudo relationship friendship. You know as women, we often hang around. We wait …we make excuses…we accept crumbs. Why I don’t know. Well I know for me it has to do with objectification.
I know that I am not an ugly woman. I know that men do find me attractive and that as far as traditional standards of beauty are concerned, some might say I am pretty. The problem with that is that being those things are not things of substance. I guess as women we are trained to go to the man who thinks us to be a shiny new thing. We buy in and eventually we get dull and they throw us away. The problem is we buy in and then once we are dull we will do anything to get that shine back.
Desperation. Not all desperation is a woman who does incredible HORRIBLE things to keep her man. Desperation comes in all forms. How many women have settled for friendship because a man doesn’t want more? How many women have stayed around in hopes that he would catch the settle down bone? How many women have taken the crumbs left from a relationship because they feared the unknown? Let me tell you that I don’t know how many have, but I definitely have lived that in my life.
My husband made me feel like an object a lot, like a thing he brought out to amaze friends and family. After the divorce I realized that it wasn’t him so much, but me and my insecurities. Since then I have worked on it, but it’s a hard thing to shake. Society builds us this way. Society makes little girls think that they need to be something extra, to make “him” love them. We think the key to a man’s heart is our beauty, or our sex, or our ability to cook and clean, or our ability to earn more than our share, our potential to be great mothers to their children, I could go on and on for days, because we think it’s about all these extraneous things.
What I have come to realize YEARS later is that love, real love, is pure and honest and when someone can’t love us how we want to be loved, we should walk away. I know that’s a hard thing, especially if you have bought into the dream, but if someone can’t love you like you want or need to be loved then you should walk away. The pain is serious but the pain of sticking around and getting crumbs is worse far worse. So, since I have walked away from my “friend” who was family I have realized life goes on and I have also realized that sometimes we have to walk away and love ourselves more! I won’t lie it does hurt because I did believe him when he said those things, however I learned better 1year ago when I didn’t hear from him again.
I’m not going to lie I still get irked by men who approach me and don’t read my blogs who treat me like a shiny thing ,who tell me everyday I am so this and that with out much as knowing one thing about me. In my old age I have realized the hard way that all those things on the outside mean nothing. When someone loves you they love you and love is not about all the things we work on to get ourselves loved, it’s those things that you don’t see until the shine wears off.
In 2006, I have changed, and keep evolving, into a woman who feels pretty on the inside. I mean that is what love is about love is about the inside and lust is about the outside. Anyway it feels good to make decisions and take control of how I live life. I am the captain of my ship, making decision for my self that are hard in the short term but have been so beneficial in the long term.
I am changing even more than I thought I was. I never thought I would have strength to tell someone if I am not enough for you then you should move on. No more sticking around trying to be enough or trying to show my value. Either someone thinks you are valuable or not, it’s that simple. If they don’t, then you should move on. Sure its going to hurt the ego but that is just temporary, believe me your self –esteem will thank you in the long run. Enough rambling I better go.